(Audio) 283rd Date: You Don’t Want Them… But You Don’t Want to Lose Them Either

[00:00:00] Speaker A: Yes. [00:00:00] Speaker B: You wanna know. You wanna know who somebody. No, you wanna know who gave me hope? You gave me hope because we kept hanging out. You kept netflixing and chilling. We weren't having sex or nothing, but you kept showing up because you was my. You kept hanging out. [00:00:12] Speaker A: What's up? [00:00:13] Speaker B: Nah, that's why. That's why I don't want my roadie. [00:00:18] Speaker C: You know my favorite word? Hey, bookie butt. [00:00:20] Speaker B: No. No new friends. No new friends. I don't need. I don't need no more friends. [00:00:26] Speaker A: You blush every time we say that. [00:00:28] Speaker C: Hey, Don. [00:00:33] Speaker A: So, you know you like that name. I don't know why you. [00:00:35] Speaker B: This. So this particular kind of imbalance, can it create control, insecurity, and constant reassurance seeking? Because that's what I think. I think like a person who's not liked as much. Welcome to relationship status. It's your boy Yousef in the building, [00:00:55] Speaker A: and I'm here with angel and Chanel. Hi. [00:00:59] Speaker B: And of course, you know, we back here again to give y' all some great conversation. So sometimes, you know, somebody could check all the boxes, they could treat you well. They're there consistently. They genuinely likely. I'm sorry. They genuinely like you, but you simply don't feel them in that way. You know, there's sometimes those situations I've been on both sides of that start out. Chanel, do you owe someone a chance simply because they're good to you? [00:01:33] Speaker A: No. That. Simply put, simply, I don't owe it. [00:01:41] Speaker C: No. [00:01:41] Speaker B: Just because it gets you, you don't owe. [00:01:43] Speaker C: No. [00:01:43] Speaker B: What about you, Angel? [00:01:45] Speaker C: I have to agree. No. [00:01:49] Speaker B: Okay. [00:01:49] Speaker C: I don't. But like me sometimes be like, well, dang, he being so nice. He doing all of this. And then the other side of me be like, I don't care. That's on him. So I don't know. [00:02:04] Speaker B: Okay, so let's talk about it a little bit. Chanel, have you ever been in a situation. Of course you have. We just said that you do. What did you do in that situation where the guy liked you more than you liked him? [00:02:14] Speaker A: So, I mean, if you've been tuning in on the show, I'm very much blunt. [00:02:18] Speaker B: Yeah. Okay. [00:02:22] Speaker A: I tend to get a little irritated when it's something that I don't like. So before I get ugly, I would rather just tell you I'm not feeling you versus me trying to string along a situation I know I'm not comfortable with. So when I was in that situation, I did. I ended it real quick. [00:02:38] Speaker B: You ended it quickly. Yeah. What about you? [00:02:40] Speaker A: When I realized it was past friendship, and he liked me more than I was into him. Let's go and cut this short, because I know I ain't feeling you. And I know me, when I get an attitude, I got a real attitude. So, yeah, ain't no need to mistreat people for no reason when they didn't do anything wrong. [00:02:55] Speaker B: But is. Is it mistreatment or like. Like you. Like. It's just not like you like it, [00:02:59] Speaker A: but it's just not when you get irritated. Like, say, for instance. I mean, I know for me, if I know I don't like an environment and I'm in it for too long, I get irritable. So I don't. I don't want to deflect on someone my energy when I already know this isn't what I want. And I know I can get. I can turn into that person when I already know it's not what I want. So it's best for me to go ahead and dismiss it and put it on a level that I know I'm comfortable with and say, hey, this is what it is. This is what it's not going to be. And either you cool with that or I'm out. But I definitely ain't going to string somebody along. I wouldn't want it done to me. I'd rather you go ahead and, you know, hurt my feelings softly now than break my heart later. [00:03:40] Speaker C: Right. [00:03:42] Speaker B: About you. Angel, what did you do, like, in your. Like in. In that particular. Have you been on. Well, first off, before we get it, have you been on the other side of it where you've liked somebody more than they've liked you? [00:03:53] Speaker C: No, I haven't. [00:03:54] Speaker B: Okay, so you've been on the. On the pos. On the negative side of it. So you. [00:03:58] Speaker C: Not negative side. [00:03:59] Speaker B: Well, I mean. Because I think. I ain't gonna lie to you. Like, I've been on both. I've been on both sides. I've been on a situation where somebody's like me more than I like them, but they were such a good person. Not necessarily to me, but they were just such a great, like, just individual. And they were cool and whatever, but it was something that I just couldn't. I couldn't turn the corner on that would make me go, okay, I'm all in on this person. [00:04:28] Speaker C: So [00:04:30] Speaker B: that was difficult on my end. On. On that aspect. Because you didn't want to hurt the person's feelings. I didn't want to hurt their feelings, which eventually I ended up doing. And I ended up. I would say it ended up coming out worse. [00:04:43] Speaker C: Right. [00:04:44] Speaker B: Because of the fact that I wouldn't. Because I was trying to make it a situation where I was kind of like, well, nobody's going to be perfect. Right. There's no such thing as the perfect relationship. There's no such thing as the perfect person. So maybe this is me. This is where I need to get off of my thing of being picky and having this and having that. I need to come up off that particular part of it and just accept this person because they're such a good person. Person. And I just. It was just something that I could never really. I could never really turn on. And then, and then I've been on the other side where I've liked somebody more than they've liked me. The worst part is you don't never know until you know. So you're of the opinion you're just liking this person, but they're spending time with you. They're, you know, you're saying, hey, let's go out, let's do stuff. They're doing that they may even be physical with you and you. And everything is going fine until it's not. And then it's like, boom, at this moment, it's cut off or there's a ghosting that happens or, you know what I'm saying? Then. Then it's a. Well, I don't want no relation. So now all of this stuff comes to play at that moment because you find out later on. So I've been on both sides of it. And one, liking somebody more than they like you hurts a lot more. It's a lot more difficult to deal with the realization of, especially in today's landscape where I would say, especially as we get older, because there's a short amount of. It's shorter time, you know, time isn't guaranteed. I think I posted about it the other day. I was like, man, as I'm sitting here, I'm realizing I got more yesterdays than tomorrow. [00:06:26] Speaker C: Right? Right. [00:06:27] Speaker B: And so I don't have time to be out here wasting time with people or wasting people's time. [00:06:32] Speaker A: Right. [00:06:33] Speaker C: I think in my situation, it just kind of like I was honest. Like, he never said that he wanted a relationship and I didn't. We both was like, we don't want a relationship. But I could tell by his gestures and the stuff that he was doing that he wanted, like, he actually liked me more than I like him. I wasn't mean or anything. Well, sometimes it was a little irritating. And I was like, dang, is it my menopause or is it just. I don't know. Because stupid thing he caught. He called me one day and I was doing something, either I was going to go on rehearsal, whatever, and I said, I'll call you back. [00:07:22] Speaker B: So. [00:07:23] Speaker C: So when I called him back, I could say he was in the middle of a conversation with somebody. Like, you know, you answer phone and like you could tell somebody was talking. And then like he was laughing. Like it was like a, like a, A belly laugh, like he was coming. And I was like, hello? And he was talking. I just hung up the phone. I didn't say hello, I didn't say nothing. Like, I just, I don't know why that irritated me. [00:07:46] Speaker B: He called you called him back? [00:07:48] Speaker C: I called him that because when he called me, I wasn't. It felt like I was getting ready to go into rehearsal. [00:07:52] Speaker B: So why would you be irritated? You called that man? He instant before. [00:07:54] Speaker C: But listen, when he answered the phone, he didn't say hello. Like I could tell he was in the, like in the middle of a conversation. And then I was like, hello? And then I just heard all this loud laughing and talking and I just hung up the phone. And then he text me back. He was like, did you hang up on me? And I was like, yes, I did, proudly. [00:08:17] Speaker A: Yes, I did. [00:08:18] Speaker C: I said, yes, I did. And he was like, wow. And then he tried to call me back and I kept sending him the voicemail. And like two hours later I finally answered and he was like, are you okay? [00:08:27] Speaker A: That's when you don't like the person. Cuz you, yeah, you ain't, you ain't letting it happen. That one that you like, you ain't like that. Boy, I could have been kikiing all day long in the background. [00:08:36] Speaker C: You right there waiting, like, hey, babe, I know. Like in the moment I was literally questioning my, questioning myself. I was like, no, it wasn't even that serious. Every time I flip, I was like, what? Literally I'm asking myself, what the hell is wrong with you? Like, why'd you do that? Like, it wasn't like, why did they justify it? Like, I don't know. No, but when I, when I say I was annoyed, it annoyed me. The fact that it was, it was more than just chatter. Like it was a lot. And I tell you, it was to [00:09:09] Speaker A: the point of sound. Everything about his voice, it was like, [00:09:12] Speaker C: oh my God, it irritated me. Like in that moment, it was like this laugh. [00:09:17] Speaker A: See you a Sagittarius. You just don't know it. [00:09:22] Speaker B: Well, tonight we're talking about all Day long. Tonight we're talking about or today or whenever you're watching this, we're talking about what happens when the person isn't necessarily wrong for you, but they're just not right for you. [00:09:37] Speaker A: I do wanna add something to what you said about being a good person. People have to realize that just because you're a good person don't mean you're good for me. Yeah, well, there are a lot of good people out there and they reevaluate themselves the moment someone says, hey, I don't wanna be with you, like I'm a good person, right? Why wouldn't you wann Cuz you good for somebody else. That don't mean you're bad. You can wine and D me, you can take good care of me, you can do all the right things. But it could still be a personality clash. It could be just something that I need that you're not providing. That you can't provide because you ain't the person. [00:10:12] Speaker B: Okay? [00:10:12] Speaker A: And it has nothing to do with [00:10:14] Speaker C: you right as people. [00:10:16] Speaker B: Wait, hold on. But, but it does. [00:10:19] Speaker A: It doesn't. Because sometimes you like the real person. [00:10:22] Speaker C: I ain't going to lie. It's me. [00:10:23] Speaker B: No, listen, it. [00:10:24] Speaker C: But I'm not even gonna hold you. [00:10:26] Speaker A: You should never internalize the fact that somebody feels like you're not the person for them. [00:10:33] Speaker B: It's not even an internalization. But if you're saying if you're. If. If the statement is you're not for me, there's nothing. [00:10:41] Speaker A: Let me say it like this. [00:10:42] Speaker B: There's nothing. [00:10:42] Speaker A: It's not you, it's me before I break up with you. [00:10:47] Speaker B: But even that's nonsense. But because it, it has to be me. Because if I was the type of person that you could be with that you wanted to be with, than I would be. So. [00:10:57] Speaker A: There's something about people start on breakups like that. Baby, it's not you, it's me. [00:11:01] Speaker B: No, it's. It's you. [00:11:03] Speaker A: I just need a break. You ain't heard Turn the best in the song. [00:11:05] Speaker B: Oh God. [00:11:07] Speaker A: What's the name of the song? [00:11:08] Speaker C: Which one? [00:11:11] Speaker A: I can't think of the name of it. [00:11:13] Speaker C: I don't know. [00:11:13] Speaker A: Well, he called on the phone talking about he need to take a break. Just being mad about it. [00:11:18] Speaker C: Yeah, just being mad. That's one of my favorite songs. Oh, when? [00:11:21] Speaker A: Oh, okay. Yeah, that song. [00:11:24] Speaker B: Oh, here we go. [00:11:25] Speaker A: That's what, that's what I'm talking about. You need to understand that it was. [00:11:28] Speaker C: I done had church in the car. [00:11:29] Speaker A: He wanted to Go ho around. It wasn't Tony. [00:11:31] Speaker C: It was. I have had church in the car over that song. Don't get me started. Okay, I say church in the car. [00:11:39] Speaker A: Yes. [00:11:40] Speaker B: So can you genuinely enjoy somebody's company without actually being romantically interested in them? [00:11:46] Speaker C: Yes. [00:11:47] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:11:49] Speaker B: Don't enjoy my company. I. Nope. [00:11:52] Speaker C: You. You want somebody just to always think about other things other than just enjoying you as a human. That's absurd. [00:11:59] Speaker B: Here's my thing. I got enough friends. [00:12:02] Speaker A: Then don't. [00:12:04] Speaker B: No, and that's valid. So I won't. I'm just like, y' all said, yes, you can. [00:12:09] Speaker A: And I think that I have to revise my comment. It's not me, it's you. [00:12:13] Speaker B: No, I think. I think that. That it's. I think that some women. I think most women can do that before a man can do it because men. See, men are more apt to. We're more apt to go, okay, this can go somewhere. Rather than the woman, pretty much. She. She just want a good time. She just want to go out and eat. She just want to go to the movies. She's. [00:12:33] Speaker C: And y' all just be wanting sex. What you mean when. [00:12:35] Speaker B: Y' all be wanting just a good time. [00:12:37] Speaker C: Now, come on. [00:12:38] Speaker B: No, no, no, no, no. [00:12:39] Speaker C: Listen. Come off that. That's not. [00:12:41] Speaker B: That's not. [00:12:42] Speaker A: I wasn't even talking about. [00:12:43] Speaker B: I wasn't even talking about. Talking about. [00:12:45] Speaker A: Sexual version of. Okay, can y' all just hang it out? How'd you say it? [00:12:49] Speaker B: No, it was the question. [00:12:50] Speaker A: Without being romantic, is. [00:12:52] Speaker B: Is it possible to wreck. I'm sorry. Can you genuinely enjoy someone's company without actually being romantically interested in them? [00:13:02] Speaker A: Now, let me rephrase it for you. Can you Netflix and chill without. [00:13:06] Speaker B: No, that's not the. Rephrase. That's not. That's not the rephrase. [00:13:11] Speaker A: You can't do. [00:13:13] Speaker C: Okay, so what do you mean, romantic? What do you. So you mean to say you cannot hang out with a woman without feeling a different way about her? [00:13:24] Speaker B: What do you. What I see. You need to use actual words. [00:13:27] Speaker C: So you can't. So you mean you can't. The only woman that you would hang out with in that manner is someone that you feel that I'm pursuing. [00:13:35] Speaker B: At this age? Yes. At this age, yes. Because. No, not if you. [00:13:41] Speaker A: If. [00:13:41] Speaker B: If we've been friend. No, if we've been friends and you my dog or whatever. Like, how do I make you mad? [00:13:48] Speaker A: I'm just being like, what is wrong with that? [00:13:51] Speaker C: Like, I'm not. [00:13:52] Speaker B: I'm not saying. [00:13:53] Speaker C: Are you trying to get married on Saturday at 5. I'm not. [00:13:56] Speaker B: I am not. [00:13:56] Speaker A: I mean, I think he already got it booked. [00:13:59] Speaker B: I am not saying no. I, I'm. No, I'm not. I'm not trying to get married on Saturday at 5 o', clock, but I'm intentional about what my outcome is supposed to be. So at the end of the day, I get it. Everybody's not with that and that's fine. And that's why I spend a lot of time by myself. [00:14:15] Speaker A: But I mean, maybe some women want to actually enjoy your company before I want to get to the next level. [00:14:24] Speaker B: No, no. When I'm saying. Listen, listen. I'm saying like you're misinterpreting. Y' all are missing, Y' all are missing the question. The question is, can you hang out with somebody without romantically being involved? Without, without having, basically having romantic interest in them, without pursuing? [00:14:42] Speaker A: You say no. [00:14:44] Speaker B: I say no. Because if I am, if I am pursuing, like you're saying, hey, we're hanging out to see where we're going to go, right? [00:14:50] Speaker A: Yes. That's the reason why we can. [00:14:52] Speaker B: So, so that's us pursuing. We're figuring it out. We're trying to feel, Feel each other out until we figure out where it goes. Correct. That's the beginning. I'm not talking about the beginning. I'm talking about with months down the line, you've decided that I pretty much. I like you more than you like me. [00:15:08] Speaker C: That's why you didn't give us a timeline. [00:15:09] Speaker B: I'm not saying a time. It's the same thing. [00:15:11] Speaker C: You just said months down the line. [00:15:13] Speaker B: No, but I'm saying it's the same. [00:15:15] Speaker A: Your original question was just cut and dry. You didn't say no, but I mean. [00:15:18] Speaker B: No, but I thought that wasn't implied. [00:15:21] Speaker C: No, no, because we're talking about. [00:15:23] Speaker B: But we're talking about somebody liking you more than you like them. [00:15:26] Speaker C: Just cause you like somebody. That's lying. [00:15:28] Speaker A: That's in the beginning stages. [00:15:30] Speaker B: No, but if you like. No, not if, not if somebody likes you more than you like them, that means it's been some time vested in the situation. [00:15:36] Speaker C: I don't know. Some people fall for people quicker than others. Now you can't. [00:15:42] Speaker B: Whether it's a week, whether it's a week or two or three or four, it's like, so maybe there's some we, [00:15:47] Speaker A: 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 10, 15, 20 in them first couple of months. Yeah, I can hang out with you and not be romantically interested in you, but once there is a time limit that has lapsed. I do realize that I'm either going to have to stop hanging out with you because I know I'm not interested, [00:16:04] Speaker C: you know, it's not going anywhere. [00:16:05] Speaker B: But see but that's the thing. Like I don't, I don't, I'm. What I'm trying to figure out is. Where is it that. And this is where we end up with the like of people where there's an imbalance in energy as far as the liking is concerned. Is one person you're looking at it as, hey, I, that's my friend. I like spending time with my friend. Da da da da da. The other person. If it's a person like me who's being extremely intentional about yo, this is, you know, I don't want to be running around, I don't want to date multiple people. I ain't with none of that nonsense at this, at the age that I'm at now and even in a few years prior. But since I don't want to be in that space, I'm not in that space. So with, for me it's like, oh shoot, she must like me. She keep coming over or we keep going out, we doing this and we doing that and blah blah, blah. [00:17:12] Speaker A: I wouldn't hang out with someone like him. I'm going to hang out with people who are like minded, people who understand that this is what we're doing. I will not hang out with somebody who already know they got a 90 day plan on when they're getting married and where we're going on the honeymoon. I'm not going to go see somebody like that. I'm not going to hang out with somebody who already know they got a game plan that's getting ready to go. [00:17:33] Speaker B: That is an extreme. That is. That is an extreme. That is set. You saying a 90 day game plan or I'm exaggerating? [00:17:41] Speaker C: It's an exaggeration. But I do understand what she's saying. It's like when you first see when you first lock eyes to somebody and you ask them out. Now I'm asking you when you ask somebody out on a date and when I say date, I mean like you say, hey, I booked, I made a reservation for us to be at whatever restaurant at Wendy's. You need to. [00:18:06] Speaker A: That's why you can take it. [00:18:08] Speaker C: I swear to God, I can't take it. You need to wear this, you need to whatever the date is. Are you saying that you are only pursuing women that you actually see something with like, is that like when You. [00:18:28] Speaker B: Initially. Initially. When I'm. Well, first off, the initial attraction is physical, so. [00:18:32] Speaker C: Right. That's what I'm saying. So when you see. [00:18:35] Speaker B: So when I see somebody and I'm initially attracted to him. [00:18:37] Speaker C: Right. [00:18:38] Speaker B: I'm not talking marriage with the person. [00:18:40] Speaker C: No. [00:18:40] Speaker B: Okay. [00:18:40] Speaker C: So, like, that's. So let me finish my question. So I said, when you see somebody. [00:18:45] Speaker A: Another face, and you want to throw stuff at you. [00:18:48] Speaker C: I'm asking because I. I generally want to know. Go ahead. If you see somebody that you're physically attracted to and you're like, I want to ask her out on a date, are you only asking this person out on a date because you want to see what's going on and. And you may want to see a future with them, or you're just asking because you just genuinely like how they look and you want to get to know them. [00:19:12] Speaker B: I want to get to know you. [00:19:13] Speaker A: Or you have an automatic romance. [00:19:15] Speaker C: Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Or is it automatic, like, oh, hey, oh, I want to take her out on a date. And then this. It like, this going to be the woman. [00:19:22] Speaker B: No, no, no. I. No, but if I. If I find. [00:19:25] Speaker C: So then what's the problem with hanging out with her? With not being. [00:19:28] Speaker B: Hold on. [00:19:29] Speaker C: Romantic. Just hanging out with her, like, without having romantic intention? [00:19:33] Speaker B: Because I'm taking you out because I think you're. You're cute. I think you're. Or whatever it is. So that's the reason why I'm taking you out. So that means I'm taking you out with the intention of. Okay, let's get to know her to see if this is a person that I can be with in some form of capacity. [00:19:49] Speaker C: So I'm saying. So on your first, second, third date, you're saying that you. [00:19:53] Speaker B: If it's not working out, I'll be out. [00:19:56] Speaker C: Okay, but. So I'm asking you if it's got to a third date. You're saying that you cannot sit with this woman and like she said, you Netflix and chill without thinking about sex. And now y' all only knew each other for two weeks. [00:20:11] Speaker B: Now, see, now you're. You're including. I didn't include sex at all. And none of that. [00:20:16] Speaker C: Okay, so what does romantic mean to you? You said without being. [00:20:19] Speaker B: Without. Without being romantic. [00:20:21] Speaker C: Yeah. So what does romantic mean to you? [00:20:23] Speaker B: Romantic means you see that person in a relationship capacity. That doesn't mean that it's physical. [00:20:28] Speaker C: Only after two weeks. [00:20:30] Speaker B: It could be after two weeks. What are you talking about? You can. You. So you mean to tell Me? You've never been in a situation. Not you. Cause you've been married for 19 years, but you've never been in. [00:20:40] Speaker A: I'm about to say no. No. [00:20:43] Speaker B: So you've never been in a situation where you've met a person? Cause I have. I've met a person. And we talked and we spent a bunch of time. My ex wife, we met. And then that first week, I drove two hours after work every day just to see her. And it wasn't even sexual at that point. [00:21:02] Speaker A: At the same person. You took the Wendy's? [00:21:04] Speaker B: No. So but at the end of the [00:21:07] Speaker C: day, I want to know what a person that you took to Wendy's. [00:21:09] Speaker B: We ended up together for eight years. Two kids, great woman, enjoyed, had a great life. Just ended up being that we didn't. We weren't for each other. That's just good friends. Now [00:21:22] Speaker A: we need to bring her on the show. [00:21:23] Speaker B: She's been on my show. She's been on my show before. I will share. I will share the episode. [00:21:29] Speaker A: I'll share the episode. [00:21:30] Speaker C: So I will. Will say my. Not my ex boyfriend, but like, not my ex husband, but my ex boyfriend. It was kind of like, I don't know, something that attracted me to him, but it wasn't sexual. Like, I couldn't figure out what it was. And it was after two days, which is weird. And then I was like, what's wrong with me? What's going on? Like, and we only just talked on the phone. [00:22:08] Speaker B: That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. I mean, it doesn't have to be. Is that there's not a time. I don't think there's a time frame on when you fall for somebody or whatever, because it could just like sometimes you just turn around and be like, what in the hell am I doing right? You know, so you can't say that it was that it's like, nah, that's not right. [00:22:29] Speaker C: I was just asking, like, you, like, you ain't got no. Like, if somebody be like, hey, you're still like, let's hang out. Let's do something. You'll be like, you say, no, [00:22:41] Speaker B: if we're. If. If it's not. If his, his, his. And I say this again. I. I don't. I have enough friends, like, circle of people people. And I. And I. I'm gonna say this. I count friends as people where. Like, hell, if I'm gonna get evicted tomorrow and I need the 500 today, I can call you and get this 500. Those are friends or if you have in a bond and you need me to come move something for you, I'll be there to do whatever it is. That's how I consider. That's how I consider. [00:23:19] Speaker A: So crazy. [00:23:21] Speaker B: But those are, those are, those are my, those of my friends. Okay, so. And I'll come back, I'll finish up my statement. But I looked at the definition of romantic feelings, actions or settings related to love or ideas that are idealistic and not based on reality involving love and practical idealism. Like it's just basically the feelings and actions towards love. That's what romantic is. But I mean, I mean don't, don't [00:23:50] Speaker A: get it twisted that we don't understand where you're coming from. We just. [00:23:52] Speaker C: Yeah, I just, we're just saying that [00:23:54] Speaker A: we can actually go out and hang out. [00:23:58] Speaker C: Like I've been, I've been on an out of town trip with somebody. [00:24:03] Speaker A: I don't date with intention. I do date with intention. I do want a real relationship. You know what I'm saying? But that doesn't excuse the fact that if somebody called me up and said, hey, you want to go hang out? You know, let's go to the right. [00:24:15] Speaker C: I'm like, all right, cool. [00:24:16] Speaker A: I'm cool. [00:24:16] Speaker C: I'm just hanging out like with no problem. I'm. [00:24:20] Speaker A: I'm cool with that. [00:24:21] Speaker C: I was a plus one at somebody with. And we just, I mean, you know, he was like, hey, you know my cousin get married. Like I don't want to go by myself. Like, you know, he was like, I ain't want to look like the, the lame person there. Like I want. I was like, sure. Oh no, let's go. [00:24:34] Speaker A: You said no, that's what I'm saying. Yes, we get where you're coming from because for someone who wants at a [00:24:41] Speaker B: wedding, it's like stuff like a wedding where I don't care who you go. [00:24:45] Speaker C: We had a ball. [00:24:46] Speaker A: I don't care. [00:24:46] Speaker B: I don't care who you go with. When you go. You go to a wedding, there is a feeling that you get just something broke. [00:24:54] Speaker A: Not saying that. [00:24:55] Speaker B: You're not saying that you're going to act on it. I'm not saying that nothing else is going to happen. [00:25:00] Speaker A: I look at it a celebration. It's. [00:25:02] Speaker C: I legit like the, the wedding was ceremony. [00:25:05] Speaker B: The, the, the after stuff. I'm not worried. I'm not talking about the ceremony in itself. I'm talking about the ceremony in itself. I think that. [00:25:13] Speaker C: So am I broken? Because no, that's just you being like. But you said when you go to a wedding, you got to fit. [00:25:20] Speaker B: I didn't say you got to. I said when. I said if you don't, you. You don't. Okay, fine. When I go to a wedding, there's a feeling that comes up. Oh, man, that's. I went to one of my homeboy's weddings and his wife came, was walking, was coming down, was. His wife was coming down the aisle. And you know how you got away? How? The man's supposed to wait at the top. He. He didn't wait. Like, this dude started crying and walked, like, went to leave the, the, the. [00:25:45] Speaker C: The altar. [00:25:46] Speaker B: The altar to walk down, to grab her from all the way down the thing. And they was like, no, no, no, no, no. Stand right here. He was ready for his wife. You know what I'm saying? My other homeboy got married. They got married. Dude I thought would never ever get married forever. And I went to his wedding and he had a set up where it was only a few select people could be at the, at the, the ceremony. And then there was a break and then it was. Then everybody could come to the reception. So. And it was on the water. It was on the lake. Super romantic. I was like, no, no. I said, this is some, there's some dope. [00:26:27] Speaker A: Did you cry at your wedding? [00:26:28] Speaker C: Did you. [00:26:28] Speaker B: No, I went to the, Went to the damn. Oh, we went to the, the people in downtown. [00:26:34] Speaker C: You mean at the court? [00:26:35] Speaker B: The courthouse. Yeah, it went down to the car. I didn't handle. Damn wedding. [00:26:37] Speaker C: Did you cry at your wedding? [00:26:38] Speaker A: So I did cry, but my husband cried too. But I had done bully him. I was like, listen, if you don't be happy when I come down that aisle, I'm telling my dad today in the morning, we go get there and shame you. [00:26:50] Speaker B: But I just. [00:26:50] Speaker A: By some, I got him and his brother was crying. [00:26:53] Speaker B: But that's what I'm saying. If somebody has romantic feelings for you, yeah, you might be cool hanging out with them, but I don't think it's cool for them to hang out with you. [00:27:02] Speaker A: I get, Yeah, I get what you call. [00:27:05] Speaker B: And that's. And that's what we talking about as far as this imbalance is concerned. I think that a lot of times the person that is not is the person that with on the shorter side of the imbalance. This person likes you and likes you and they treating you and they're doing this and y' all are doing that. Like, okay, you go out. No, no, no. I'm about to ask you, I'm about To ask you, y' all hanging out? You going to hang out? Who paying? [00:27:32] Speaker C: Wait, who's asking me? Did he call me and say, hey, you want to go to dinner? [00:27:36] Speaker A: No, no, no, no. [00:27:37] Speaker B: You said hang out, we hang out, we go to dinner, whatever. Who paying? Whether I ask you, you ask me. Who paying? [00:27:41] Speaker C: It doesn't matter. It just depends. Guess who pulled their car out first. But most of the time, when gu it, [00:27:50] Speaker B: we friends. Dutch, it's your birthday. Maybe I'm. [00:27:54] Speaker A: I'm going tell you like this. Now, if somebody calls me and say, hey, you want to go out? This, that, and the other, if you asking me that, I'm assume that you're going to pay. But I don't ever leave home without [00:28:04] Speaker C: enough money to pay for my own. [00:28:08] Speaker B: So here we go. [00:28:09] Speaker A: But on the flip side of that, I am that friend that I have called homeboys and be like, I really want. I love scary movies, and I like going to the movies. [00:28:19] Speaker C: Right? [00:28:19] Speaker A: You don't go to the movies with me. And I have paid. Right, but that's my homie. [00:28:23] Speaker C: Like, I don't. [00:28:25] Speaker B: Is this the homie that you've known for years? Or this is somebody that you just started or that in relation. In relation. In relation to the homies? [00:28:33] Speaker A: Yeah. It done been more than one situation. It'll been my homeboy over years. That, and then it's been a potential that I knew like me. I like him. And you know what I'm saying? [00:28:41] Speaker B: But like you said, I like him, he like me. [00:28:44] Speaker A: We talking about that level yet. But you still just kick it. [00:28:47] Speaker B: Yeah, but that's. That's different. I think when you get to the part of the imbalance, it's like when conversations got to be had. Hey, look, this is where I'm at. Where are you? [00:28:55] Speaker A: I'm gonna give you another one. Okay, so. Because I ain't trying to tell all my business, but let's say, for instance, yeah, we gonna do it like that. If I want to do an outing or whatever, you know, I still have a son at home or whatever, and I want to take my son out, but I invite my male friend to go along with me, I will pay for it. One, because my child is there, and I would have to pay for his little raggedy behind anyway, you know what I'm saying? I wouldn't expect for him to pay if I invited him on an outing with me and my child, but if he invited us, [00:29:32] Speaker C: yeah, go ahead. [00:29:34] Speaker A: You get what I'm saying? But, yeah, I. I think it's certain unspoken Rules to that? [00:29:45] Speaker B: Yeah, I guess so. I'm just, you know. So can you build a healthy relationship with someone you don't feel strongly about? [00:29:54] Speaker A: No, no, absolutely not. [00:29:57] Speaker C: That's not healthy. It's not healthy. [00:30:01] Speaker A: You can build it and you can [00:30:02] Speaker C: be strong, but it won't. [00:30:03] Speaker A: But it won't be at all. [00:30:05] Speaker B: But what happens when, like, one of the people is. Is consistently trying to create a deeper connection that just isn't there? [00:30:10] Speaker A: Like I said in the beginning, you're going to have somebody who's going to be irritable because it's not what they really want. I don't care. What nobody say in an uncomfortable environment would cause irritability. I can't say it. You're. You're not going to be able to function properly when you're in an uncomfortable environment. And that creates that environment. You're not happy. So a lot of times you're going to lash out a person who is hindering you from being happy or who you feel like is hindering you from being happy. [00:30:36] Speaker B: So what's worse? Hurting someone with the truth today or potentially hurting them much more six months from now? [00:30:43] Speaker A: Six months from now is worse. [00:30:45] Speaker C: Yeah, that's gotta hurt me today. Yeah, just tell me today. Don't string me along. Six months, that's half a year. [00:30:52] Speaker A: I'm one of them people. Just rip the band aid off. Deal with it later. Rip it off. [00:30:56] Speaker C: Just tell me. [00:30:58] Speaker B: Well, I just think it's. Sometimes it's when you're. When you've created patterns for yourself and you're trying to break your patterns or you're trying to break this. This thing about you that still has you single, so to speak. And you're figuring out that the majority of the reason why you're single is because of yourself and things that you've. You know, you might have had a good woman at this point because you couldn't get out your own way, or because you had some materialistic thoughts or it was very. Or you were shallow at the time in your life. And so when you end up in the situation where this person is an amazing person, they have an amazing personality, they're great for you, they're great for you, they help you. They, you know, they, They've. They've. It's not what they've brought to the table, but they've elevated your table, and you're. And you're sitting there and you're going, okay, all right, I got to figure this out. Because this could be me just being. Oh, my God, here we Go again. Let me get out. Or am I being picky again? Or am I being shallow again? Or, you know, or is this really not the person for me? And so you spend time going, okay, well, let me give it some time. Let me. Let me see if we can get there. Let me see if I can get there. And then time rolls on, and you realize that you can't. [00:32:17] Speaker C: I get it. [00:32:19] Speaker B: So I think it is. It is. Oh, no, it's definitely worse because the. The person is gonna feel is hurt by the fact that you kind of knew this all along. [00:32:30] Speaker A: Right. [00:32:30] Speaker B: But she didn't say anything, and you didn't say anything. So it becomes a little bit more dicey. And that's why I think it kind of. It's kind of tough to navigate, in essence. [00:32:43] Speaker C: I agree. [00:32:46] Speaker B: Okay, people, you know what time it is? It's time for either or the favorite segment. [00:32:52] Speaker C: We even wasn't gonna go there. [00:32:54] Speaker B: Segment that everybody loves. So we're gonna move a little quickly here. [00:32:59] Speaker C: Jesus. [00:32:59] Speaker B: What you mean, Jesus? This is good stuff. This is good, good, good quality. [00:33:04] Speaker C: I always feel like I end up being, like, the bad person or something. [00:33:08] Speaker B: Oh, no. All right, so here we go. Be loved or love more. Well, I'm sorry. Be loved more or love more. [00:33:17] Speaker C: I want somebody to love me more. [00:33:20] Speaker B: Oh, so you with y' all with the toxic. All right. Great chemistry with poor compatibility or great compatibility with average chemistry. [00:33:30] Speaker A: Great compatibility with average chemistry. [00:33:36] Speaker C: I have to agree. [00:33:38] Speaker B: Okay, tell them immediately you're not feeling it or give it three dates. [00:33:44] Speaker A: Tell them immediately. Ain't no grace period over here. [00:33:47] Speaker C: I'm giving three dates. It depends on what it is. I'm like, well, wait, what was. I ain't no grace period over our next date schedule. I'm like, okay, I'm gonna give him. Like, it depends on what's going on. [00:33:58] Speaker A: Date. [00:33:58] Speaker C: I love a good date, so I [00:34:00] Speaker A: like a good date, too. [00:34:01] Speaker C: Me too. [00:34:02] Speaker A: I like. [00:34:02] Speaker C: But it's okay. [00:34:03] Speaker A: Only. [00:34:03] Speaker C: But it's only three days. [00:34:06] Speaker A: No, it's only three. That's a lot of time. Girl. I got. [00:34:09] Speaker B: You don't know how much. You don't know how much time is going on. [00:34:11] Speaker C: You could have had, like, Friday night, and then you could have went out with them like, all right, I'mma try this again Sunday. And I'm like, all right. [00:34:17] Speaker A: Went out with somebody else on them same three days. [00:34:20] Speaker C: I be like, oh, no. [00:34:20] Speaker A: That was. If you need a grace period over here, don't come over here. [00:34:25] Speaker C: I'mma do this. I do the three dates. [00:34:28] Speaker B: Someone who is Obsessed with you or someone who keeps you guessing and be obsessed with me. [00:34:35] Speaker A: Be obsessed, baby, you so obsessed with me. [00:34:40] Speaker C: Hey, I don't know. Listen, you ain't killing me. [00:34:45] Speaker B: With no faces. [00:34:45] Speaker A: He hate us so much. [00:34:48] Speaker C: You hate me real bad. [00:34:49] Speaker A: We be vibing together. [00:34:50] Speaker C: You hate me real bad. Listen, I don't know. Cause the obsession can get a little strange. [00:34:56] Speaker A: Well, I don't want to be be guessing either. At least I know you like me for real. [00:34:59] Speaker C: I know. But sometimes it be a little bit too much like, I don't know. [00:35:04] Speaker A: I want you to be obsessed. Just don't kill me. [00:35:06] Speaker C: Right? See, that's why I'm like. When I think obsession, I be like, don't kill me. [00:35:10] Speaker A: Don't kill me. [00:35:11] Speaker C: Like we. [00:35:13] Speaker A: I ain't gonna cheat. Don't kill me. [00:35:14] Speaker C: Like you like you broke into my house and I went home and you took a pair of my thongs out my dirty clothes. I don't know. Like, it's just. [00:35:19] Speaker A: I mean, you can have them. I'll leave some, Baby. I'll give you some. [00:35:27] Speaker C: Like, I swear. I don't know. Keep me guessing. I don't want the obsession because it may go left. Yeah. [00:35:35] Speaker B: Break the heart with honesty or slowly distance yourself. [00:35:40] Speaker C: I slowly distance myself. [00:35:44] Speaker A: That's a hard one. [00:35:45] Speaker C: I don't know, I just. Slowly distance. [00:35:47] Speaker A: It depends on what I have to be honest about. But I know we got to pick [00:35:50] Speaker C: either or I'mma slow. [00:35:54] Speaker B: Okay. Date someone who's perfect on paper or someone you have undeniable chemistry with. [00:36:03] Speaker A: Undeniable chemistry with. Cuz that paper can have some errors. [00:36:11] Speaker B: No, they're perfect on paper. [00:36:12] Speaker A: Huh? Yep. It was a typo. [00:36:17] Speaker C: Oh gosh. [00:36:19] Speaker A: Wait. [00:36:20] Speaker C: Say. Ask again. Ask me again. I'mma read. Ask me again. [00:36:23] Speaker B: Date someone who's perfect on paper or someone you have undeniable chemistry with. [00:36:38] Speaker C: Is he broke? Okay. I'm just kidding. I'm just. Because when you say perfect on paper, you got all the things that I. [00:36:46] Speaker B: Yeah, you got all. You got all the stuff. [00:36:48] Speaker C: I got all. You got all the things. [00:36:49] Speaker B: All the things I'm gonna do. [00:36:51] Speaker C: Perfect on paper. Because if he got all the things, then I'm gonna have chemistry with him. [00:36:55] Speaker A: I don't want to be. [00:36:56] Speaker B: Okay. [00:36:58] Speaker A: He got all the things. [00:36:59] Speaker B: I don't know. [00:37:00] Speaker C: Then that's chemistry. That's everything that I want. If he's. [00:37:03] Speaker B: Nope. No, no, no, no, no. No chemistry. He's just perfect on paper. Stop creating. [00:37:10] Speaker A: You don't get the chemistry. He just. Perfect on paper. But you have no chemistry. Or you choose the chemistry. I feel like if I got chemistry with him, he might just be perfect for me. We gonna roll with it so hard. [00:37:25] Speaker C: I can't give me perfect on paper. Okay, I'll play the devil's advocate. [00:37:31] Speaker B: Stay because they're good to you, or leave because your heart isn't in it. [00:37:35] Speaker C: I' ma leave because my heart ain't there. [00:37:36] Speaker A: Yeah, I' ma leave. [00:37:37] Speaker C: I'm out. [00:37:39] Speaker B: Okay. [00:37:40] Speaker A: I might stay a little longer because he good, but eventually. [00:37:47] Speaker B: Okay, last one. Be someone's safe choice or someone's exciting choice. [00:37:53] Speaker A: Their exciting choice. [00:37:55] Speaker C: I want to be excited. I don't want to be safe because you're just doing something just because it's safe. Like, because you ain't gonna be safe over here. Right. [00:38:02] Speaker A: It's gonna be a little dangerous. [00:38:04] Speaker C: Okay. A little dangerous somet. [00:38:11] Speaker B: Well, thank y' all once again for [00:38:13] Speaker C: playing me over the balcony. [00:38:14] Speaker A: I'm just. [00:38:15] Speaker C: Sorry. [00:38:18] Speaker B: If you want to submit some either or questions, go ahead and do so. Just email dilemmas at relationship status podcast.com that is dilemmas relationship status podcast.com. all right, so eventually, this person likes you more than you like them. You continuing to hang out with them. [00:38:42] Speaker C: Eye rose is killing me and kills [00:38:45] Speaker B: me stringing them along. And what happens when you don't deal with it? [00:38:54] Speaker C: How is that stringing somebody along? [00:38:56] Speaker B: No, I'm saying, like, because if. If you continue, like, if, you know, like you talking about your friend Prior, prior to us, you know, brought us recording, and that's what kind of prompted this conversation. And she's in a situation where she [00:39:13] Speaker C: needs to tell him, but she really does, like, no, she really does like him, just not as much as he likes her. He just liked her more than she liked him. Like, they're always hanging out. They're always doing the game. She was like, I love hanging out with them. She's like, but I just think he likes me more than I like him. [00:39:33] Speaker B: And what I mean by that is eventually it's going to show. Like, he's going to feel it eventually. And then, Then. Well, at that point, doesn't. It doesn't. Resentment setting. [00:39:44] Speaker A: Yep. [00:39:45] Speaker B: Because now he bought her a car. Oh, Lord. [00:39:51] Speaker C: He wants to upgrade her car. He ain't say, okay, that is buying her car. Yeah, you're right. But you offer. [00:39:58] Speaker B: I. I will. [00:39:59] Speaker C: If you offer to buy me. If you offer to upgrade my car. [00:40:03] Speaker B: And if you. [00:40:04] Speaker C: I'm like, no, no. [00:40:07] Speaker B: Say no. If you. If you know that you're not in the same space. [00:40:11] Speaker C: But what if I needed a car, though? [00:40:13] Speaker B: What if I know that you're not in the same space because all you're gonna do is. Because me, I'm. I'm. I am petty. Well, so the second I get an inkling that this ain't what it is, because first off, when I buy the car for you, upgrade the car, you're only getting one key. [00:40:31] Speaker A: Ain't no upgrading. [00:40:32] Speaker B: That's the first thing. [00:40:33] Speaker A: Upgrade from mine to ours. [00:40:34] Speaker B: Yeah. So they keep yours. No, but I'm just saying, like, all jokes aside, but. Because then resentment's gonna set in. And I understand that he's a guy with money, but don't nobody like getting played either. [00:40:48] Speaker C: I know, right? Because what if. [00:40:53] Speaker B: But, but the reason why I say getting played and you say played himself because y' all see it as he should have never got the car if he wasn't sure how she felt. Correct? [00:41:02] Speaker A: Right. [00:41:03] Speaker C: Why would you. Why would you offer somebody car after y' all only been on four days? You want to upgrade somebody. [00:41:09] Speaker B: But on the flip side, why would you accept the car from somebody that you know you're not feeling like that to even accept the car? [00:41:17] Speaker C: Because I like the car. [00:41:18] Speaker B: Then. [00:41:19] Speaker C: Then you playing I'm sorry. [00:41:21] Speaker B: Then you playing, and then the consequences. Then you wonder why people go crazy. [00:41:27] Speaker C: Okay, question. [00:41:29] Speaker B: All she could say, she. She need to say, hey, look, you do know, like, I'm not feeling you like that. [00:41:34] Speaker C: But she said she really does like him. But she don't like him enough to upgrade his car. [00:41:39] Speaker B: To accept the car. [00:41:41] Speaker C: She just said she really likes being [00:41:43] Speaker B: with them enough to accept the car. A car, I guess, but not as much. No. [00:41:49] Speaker C: Okay, question. [00:41:51] Speaker B: So should I you would accept a guy you do not like whether you need the car or not? A guy you were not feeling like that. Like, you're not feeling him the way he feels? [00:41:59] Speaker C: She just said she likes him a lot. [00:42:00] Speaker B: I. I get that. But she does not feel like if you're not on the same. If you're not on the same level with somebody, that means that there's something stopping you from getting there. That person is going to continue to grow. You're going to stay where you are. At the end of the day, this person, because you're not getting there, is going to become, what? Annoying to you. [00:42:18] Speaker A: But that's the point she's trying to make to you. What you're saying is not wrong. I agree with what you're saying, but what she's trying to clear up for you is the particular situation where her friend is. She's not saying she don't like him, he's just a step ahead of her. She may gradually get there. She just hadn't gotten there. [00:42:34] Speaker C: She said she didn't feel herself getting there. But she say he's a step ahead. [00:42:42] Speaker B: Until she's there. She doesn't need to accept a car. That's what I'm saying. Because you don't know if you're. But you don't know if you're going to get. If nothing is guaranteed. You don't know if you're going to get there. [00:42:53] Speaker A: So the reason why I probably wouldn't accept the car in that particular situation is because he's still married. So I wouldn't accept the car. [00:43:00] Speaker B: But that. But we're talking about in the sense [00:43:02] Speaker A: of just the situation that you're saying. If it's somebody who likes me and I know I'm not feeling them, I'm not gonna accept gifts from someone who I know I don't like. Because, one, I ain't want you come over here trying to claim your number Two. Yeah, I ain't coming over here trying to claim me. So. So I'm not gonna accept something for somebody I don't like like that, no matter how much they try. Because I do feel like even though we hear. They hear you saying no, no, no, they feel like their actions can somehow persuade you to change your mind. [00:43:33] Speaker B: You want to know why? [00:43:34] Speaker A: So I'm not going to. Because I know me taking this is going to give you hope that I'm going to change you. [00:43:40] Speaker B: You want to know. You want to know who gave me hope? [00:43:43] Speaker A: Your grandmama? [00:43:43] Speaker B: No, no, no. Yes. You want to know. You want to know who gave me hope? [00:43:47] Speaker A: Somebody prayed. No. [00:43:48] Speaker B: You wanna know who gave me hope? You gave me hope because we kept hanging out. You kept netflixing and chilling. We wasn't having sex or nothing, but you kept showing up because you was my. You kept hanging out. [00:43:58] Speaker A: What's up? [00:43:59] Speaker B: Nah, that's why I don't want. [00:44:03] Speaker C: You know my favorite word? Hey, bookie butt. [00:44:06] Speaker B: No. No new friends. No new friends. I don't need. I don't need no more friends. [00:44:12] Speaker A: You blush every time we say that. [00:44:13] Speaker C: Hey, hey. [00:44:15] Speaker B: Don't do that. [00:44:19] Speaker A: So you know you like that name. I don't know why you. [00:44:21] Speaker B: This. So this particular kind of imbalance, can it create control, insecurity and constant reassurance seeking? Because that's what I think. I think, like, a person who's not liked as much is going to always be seeking the reassurance that. Okay. Are you good? Is this okay? Is that, okay, they're always going to be looking because they're going to feel insecure because they're not getting back. The same. The same thing they're putting out, they're not getting back. [00:44:47] Speaker A: Right. [00:44:48] Speaker B: And they could feel. You can feel when somebody's not with you. You know what I'm saying? You can feel when they're not. [00:44:56] Speaker A: But some people live in a delusional world. They really do like that any type of people live. [00:45:01] Speaker C: Any kind of attention is good attention. [00:45:03] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:45:04] Speaker C: Like people literally live in Deluland. And I'm like, wow, that's a real place, huh? [00:45:10] Speaker A: I mean, you could literally go hang out with somebody and say, we're going to the movies and be sitting just as far as we are apart. And they were like, she was all up on me in their head. [00:45:18] Speaker C: Swear to God. Yeah, right. [00:45:20] Speaker A: Like what? In their head? [00:45:23] Speaker B: Like you said, I. You just said it. You said, a person can. Hey. If I just keep doing. If I keep loving them or if I keep loving them more, eventually, you know, they'll. They'll turn the corner and they'll come around and they'll love me as much as I love them or they'll even. They're not in love with me, but they'll love me. That never works. [00:45:47] Speaker A: Never. Now, I haven't ever been in a situation like that as far as dating, but in my marriage, I have felt that when I realized that my marriage wasn't going the way I wanted it to go and I started internalizing feeling like maybe I need to do this more. Maybe I should present this a different way or maybe I should be less argumentative or maybe I should. Maybe I. Maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe. Maybe I should get rid of this nigga. That's when I woke up. That's when I woke up. But that's how it is. Sometimes we live in that delusion and thinking that we have to do something until we get the change that we wanna see. So people who are interested in you and they think that even though I hear you saying, no, not right now, or no, we hear, no, not right now. But you heard me when I said I don't want a relationship. [00:46:35] Speaker C: But you heard me loud and clear. [00:46:36] Speaker A: Not right now. So you figure I'm gonna keep feeding her this and this and this and this. And when she see what I got, then eventually she's gonna say, I want to live that lifestyle. I want a man to take care of me the way he's taking care of me. No, I still don't want it. But if you're gonna give it to me, I'm having a hand out. [00:46:53] Speaker B: We're gonna have a quick call back. Remember the key? You said. You said. You said, I don't want no relationship. [00:46:57] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:46:58] Speaker B: And what did he hear? [00:46:59] Speaker C: Not right now. [00:47:00] Speaker B: Yeah, remember we had a whole episode on right now. [00:47:04] Speaker C: Don't say not right now. [00:47:06] Speaker B: Don't say not right now. [00:47:07] Speaker A: Because it gives you false hope. [00:47:08] Speaker B: It gives hope to people who. [00:47:10] Speaker A: But you have. Like I'm saying, you have those people who are delusional and who hear what they want to hear, no matter how you word it, because they really want to be with you. [00:47:20] Speaker C: Okay, so let me ask this, cuz you was like, accept against. Whatever. What? So I went on a date. Might have been March. I think it was in March. And I had been not really knowing. I'm kind of. For maybe like six years. But not just kind of like, he'll hear my inbox. Hey, how you doing? Whatever. Throughout the six years. And maybe like two years pass. And then he popped back up. Hey, whatever. So he asked me on a date, so I agreed to go. Like, we had, like, a few conversations between the time that we actually went, because he lives in a whole nother city. Still in South Carolina, but a whole nother city. And so we met in a mutual spot. When I got to the date, like, he got me a gift. Like, it was a first. It was a first date, but then he got me a gift. Like, was I supposed to give it back to him? [00:48:15] Speaker A: I don't think so. [00:48:15] Speaker C: Not. [00:48:16] Speaker B: And that's in that sense, because y'. [00:48:18] Speaker A: All. [00:48:18] Speaker C: But you said, why did I accept that? I didn't even know I like him. Like, it was our first date, but [00:48:22] Speaker B: it was the first. [00:48:24] Speaker C: It was a very expensive gift. [00:48:26] Speaker B: Well, some. Well, some people lead with money, and I get that, but it's the first. [00:48:31] Speaker C: It was our very first. [00:48:32] Speaker B: No, but what I'm to. Did that. You asked the question. Let me answer it. I'm saying you were surprised by that particular thing. Y', all, this is the first thing. Some people come to a first date, whether it's flowers. Some people come with a. A bracelet, which I think is weird. But, you know, I think it's extremely weird to come to something with, like, jewelry or whatever, because. Yeah, yeah. You know, dang. They trying. At that point, I think they're trying to buy you. You. But, you know, flowers is something. Maybe candy. That's old school. Whatever. But so in that sense, I don't think it was wrong of you to take it. I Don't think that's wrong. [00:49:09] Speaker C: Okay? [00:49:10] Speaker B: But I think if you're on, like, date five or six and you know that the feeling, his feelings are way further ahead than yours at that point. If he gives you things, if he's giving you things at that point, it's because he has these feelings for you at that point. Even though this is a culture he's created, at that point, you know that by continuing to do these things, you're feeding him and his desire of you. And that's where. That's where I think you got to kind of be careful with receiving things, especially if you're not feeling the person. Because then it's almost to a sense of, well, I bought you this and I did that. And I, you know, in their head, not saying they'll say that to you, but in their head, it's like, like, damn, all the stuff I don't did for this girl. So now and then, if you don't know, if somebody crazy, you're gonna find out, right? [00:49:58] Speaker C: And I do. I. Everything you said, I wholeheartedly agree with it. I was just asking. I was like. Because that was a gift on the first date, and it was a very expensive gift. I'm like, was I supposed. I was like, oh, thank you. Like, it was surprised. Like, I was like, in my head, I was like, dang. Should I accept it? I don't know. Like, we don't even. Like, this is like, in my head, I was going back and forth, like, do I be like, oh, no, you shouldn't have to do this. Like, give it back. But I was like, would I be insulting him if I don't get. Like, it was kind of like I didn't know what to do. So I just. I took it because I didn't. I wasn't sure. [00:50:33] Speaker B: Okay. [00:50:34] Speaker C: It was a pair of diamond earrings. [00:50:36] Speaker B: Okay, well, yeah. All right. [00:50:38] Speaker C: And some very expensive perfume. [00:50:40] Speaker B: And I was like, well, I mean, now, if that's. If that's the case. Me, I can only speak for myself. I probably wouldn't have. Then again, anybody, you know, anybody get me nothing. But, you know, I would. I. I probably. Knowing. Knowing that I probably would not. I probably wouldn't have. And I would have told him that's not. That's not that type of party. [00:51:04] Speaker A: I mean, to each his own. [00:51:07] Speaker C: But it was like a first date, so how would. How was I supposed to know that we weren't getting to that type of. [00:51:12] Speaker B: No, no, no. I'm saying this. If it's. If you. If you open it and it's like some 3, 400 perfume and some diamond earrings that, you know, cost a grip. At that point, it's like you're allowing him to lead with money, right? And if that's not what you want, somebody who's going to feel like they can buy you. [00:51:33] Speaker C: Oh, sorry. [00:51:34] Speaker B: No, if somebody feel like they can buy you. [00:51:36] Speaker C: Sorry. [00:51:37] Speaker A: It's okay. [00:51:38] Speaker B: Listen, if that's, if that's the way a person needs to. To lead with. To be with you, then that's what they need to do. [00:51:43] Speaker C: No, but what if that's his love Sand? [00:51:45] Speaker B: What if that what I think. I think he got the money to spend money. His money, too. [00:51:54] Speaker C: That's what I'm saying. Let me. [00:51:55] Speaker B: I'm not saying. I'm not saying the man went broke and didn't pay his car. [00:51:57] Speaker C: So that's what I'm saying. So let me be clear. To some people, they feel like $100 is a lot of money, but some people think it's a dollar. Some people think $1,000 ain't a lot of money. So that's what I'm saying. [00:52:08] Speaker B: Like if, if I'm not saying it, to me, it's the acceptance of an expensive gift. It's not the gift. [00:52:18] Speaker C: But what if he didn't think it was expensive, though? That's what. [00:52:21] Speaker B: But the fact that what I'm saying, [00:52:22] Speaker C: I did, because I don't. I dag on show, don't make the kind of money that he made. [00:52:26] Speaker B: No, no, no, I get what you're saying, but what I'm saying is he's leading with money. He's not leading with genuineness to me, but to a guy who has money, that probably they can do that. And I'm not saying, but I think, you know, people who, who. There's people middle class who lead with money. That's the reason why they drive the kind of car they drive. And that's the reason why every night, you know, when they go to the bar, they got to buy everybody drinks and they got to buy women drinks, and they got, you know, saying they're leading with their money. This guy led with his money. And you accepting it set the tone for you guys, friendship or whatever, it ended up being because he knows that you're going to accept whatever gifts he gives you. And so now it looks like. And I'm just speaking. It looks like you can be bought and not necessarily courted. [00:53:18] Speaker C: Well, we just. I think we might have went on three dates and that was it. [00:53:22] Speaker B: Like, it wasn't like, I'm not saying. I'm not saying anything negatory. I'm just saying. Negative. I'm just saying that the whole. The, the, the, the point of it was. The point that we're talking about is imbalance in energy of who, when, when liking somebody. And I think if you accept that on the first date, you're already setting a precedent that's going to be difficult to come back from because he's going to feel like he can leave with that money all the time. You know what I'm saying? And that's why I say sometimes. Sometimes you can say no. You know what I mean? [00:53:52] Speaker A: That's what I'm saying. [00:53:52] Speaker C: I was going back and forth in my head. I was like. [00:53:55] Speaker B: But you ended up keeping it. So let's go. Let's, let's go with some rapid fire questions. [00:54:00] Speaker C: I'm actually wearing the perfume right now. [00:54:03] Speaker B: All right, so some rapid fire questions. What's one sign you're dating someone out of guilt? [00:54:09] Speaker A: My leg. [00:54:12] Speaker B: What's one sign that you're dating somebody out of guilt? [00:54:17] Speaker A: One sign that I'm dating someone out of guilt. One sign that I give off. [00:54:24] Speaker B: Yeah. Once. No. One sign that you are, like, to [00:54:27] Speaker C: yourself, you'll be like, oh, man, I'm just doing this. [00:54:30] Speaker A: I'm easily irritated. [00:54:33] Speaker B: All right. One sign that someone is settling. [00:54:37] Speaker A: Huh? [00:54:38] Speaker B: One sign of someone settling. [00:54:39] Speaker C: A sign of somebody settling. [00:54:43] Speaker A: A sign that someone is. [00:54:45] Speaker C: Because they know that it's probably not what they want, but they're just like, you know what I think when I [00:54:50] Speaker B: think when they're always compromising what they want? [00:54:52] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:54:52] Speaker C: Like, you know, it's not what you want. [00:54:54] Speaker B: Yeah. They're always compromising what they want. Like, if you want. If you want kids, but the person that you're dating doesn't want kids. [00:54:59] Speaker C: So you just, you go, okay, well, I'm just not kids. Right. So you just, Just whatever. [00:55:05] Speaker B: What's one thing people confuse with love? [00:55:11] Speaker C: Money. I'm just kidding. I really. [00:55:13] Speaker A: I swear I was about to say that. I was about to say infatuation. [00:55:16] Speaker B: Infatuation. [00:55:16] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:55:17] Speaker B: Okay. What's one thing people should never promise when they're unsure? [00:55:23] Speaker A: Loyalty. Yes. [00:55:30] Speaker B: Okay. What's one sentence you can use to respectfully tell someone you're not feeling the same way? [00:55:39] Speaker C: Hey, so I know, like, you know, we've been hanging out, but I'm just not in the headspace. [00:55:44] Speaker B: One. One sentence. [00:55:45] Speaker C: Take this any further. That was a long. It was a sentence. I mean, it was a comment in the middle, but that was sentence. Just cut my sentence. Off excuse. [00:55:55] Speaker B: What you got say? Cut it down to one sentence. [00:55:57] Speaker C: Cuz it was. It was a comma. [00:56:00] Speaker A: Why can't we be friends? [00:56:02] Speaker B: No, [00:56:06] Speaker A: I ain't got nothing I don't know what to tell you about. [00:56:08] Speaker C: That's what I'm saying. [00:56:09] Speaker A: If I don't like you, we just going to be friends. [00:56:11] Speaker C: That's what I'm saying. Hey, we been hanging out like, you know, but I just. I'm not in the head space for a relationship. Boom. [00:56:18] Speaker A: But see, that'll be a lot on my part because I am in a headspace for a relationship, just not with you. [00:56:23] Speaker C: So I'm not. [00:56:24] Speaker A: Why can't we just be friends? Homie, gonna go shoot pool. [00:56:29] Speaker B: Okay, I got. Here's mine. [00:56:32] Speaker A: We can go fishing. [00:56:38] Speaker B: Come on, man. [00:56:38] Speaker A: I don't know who to tell. [00:56:40] Speaker C: Like, that just depleted me. Nothing. Fishing. [00:56:42] Speaker A: Jesus. Well, that's what I like to do. [00:56:45] Speaker B: Here we go. Here's mine. Here's mine. [00:56:47] Speaker C: I'm scared. [00:56:48] Speaker B: I'm not feeling this. And I kind of really don't have the time to pretend that I do. [00:56:52] Speaker A: So that hurt my feelings. You said you was pretending for me the whole time. [00:56:58] Speaker B: You got time to pretend. [00:57:00] Speaker C: That's the same thing I just said, like, hey, I'm not feeling this. So I just. I'm not in the headspace. [00:57:06] Speaker A: If he done been on a couple of days with me, he know I'm a clown all day. I'm gonna bust out singing. Bust a beat on the table, right? [00:57:12] Speaker C: Why can't we? Right? Everything is. [00:57:14] Speaker B: So let's get into the final thought. So here's my final thought. Sometimes we think the hardest relationship decision is walking away from somebody who's treating us badly. But sometimes the hardest decision is walking away from somebody who's treating us really well. Because, you know, you don't feel the same way. And that could create. That could create a lot of guilt. You start telling yourself, maybe I should give this person a chance. Maybe attraction will grow. Maybe I'm being too picky. Maybe I'll eventually feel the same way. But here's the truth. You can appreciate somebody without desiring them. You can respect somebody without wanting a relationship with them. And you can recognize that somebody is a great person without behaving, without believing they're your person. The problem isn't that you don't feel the same way. The problem comes when you know you don't feel the same way, but you continue accepting their love, accepting their attention, accepting the effort, accepting the intimacy and commitment because you're afraid of hurting them or afraid of losing what they're giving you. That's not kindness. That's postponing the inevitable. Because eventually somebody's going to get hurt. So if you're the person who likes someone more than they like you, don't try to convince somebody to feel something they don't feel. And if you're the person who knows your heart isn't in it, don't keep somebody around just because they're good to you. Love shouldn't have to be negotiated. Attraction shouldn't have to be begged for. And commitment shouldn't be built on somebody, on somebody hoping your feelings will eventually catch up. You deserve to be with somebody who chooses you. And the person who loves you deserves to be with somebody who chooses them too. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do for someone is tell them the truth. Even when the truth is you're a great person. I'm just not your person. And that's Yoshi's final thought. Thank you, ladies for being here again. [00:58:55] Speaker A: It's not like you took some of your thoughts out of what I said. Gonna be okay. [00:58:58] Speaker B: Hey, listen, I grow with the show. I grow with the show. Okay, I grow with the show. Once again, remember, oh, tell the people how they can find you. [00:59:08] Speaker A: I'm Chanel and you can find me on Instagram with Nelly Pooh, Underscore speaks and I guest host on king me podcast. You can find us on YouTube, Instagram and Facebook. [00:59:18] Speaker B: What about you, Angel? [00:59:19] Speaker C: Hi, I'm Angel. He said you can find me on Facebook at Chrissy Solomon and also on Instagram at a critsy22 and you can [00:59:29] Speaker B: find me at on Twitter. There we go at I am Coachy Underscore. You can find me on Facebook, Yoshi English and Instagram @the9thwonder. You can find the show on all social media platforms at relationship status. Go ahead and visit the brand new website just Launched last week, relationshipstatuspodcast.com if you want to put an advice letter, go ahead and send an advice letter. Dilemma relationshipstatus podcast.com and if you want to be a guest on the show, email us at the Crew Relationship Status podcast.com Don't forget the Patreon patreon.com Relationship Status. As you can see, there's so many places that you can find us. And it is official. It is officially going down October 12th here in Florence, South Carolina singles game night. You are going to see how to sign up. It is an exclude. We're not telling you where it is is because it is an exclusive venue. It's only to those people who get approved to be in. You'll see a link in the car in the description. To fill out the application, you will. Our singles will be vetted. So it is official. October 12, 2026, here in Florence, South Carolina, the first of the monthly singles game nights. Oh, and when you go to the website, go ahead and check out the candles and the T shirts. Next episode. I got a gift. Gift for everybody, including us. Yes, for y'. [01:00:54] Speaker A: All. [01:00:54] Speaker B: Y'. [01:00:54] Speaker A: All. [01:00:54] Speaker C: Here. [01:00:55] Speaker B: I got. I got a gift for y' all next episode. [01:00:59] Speaker C: Jesus. [01:00:59] Speaker B: Okay, did you hear me say next episode? [01:01:02] Speaker C: I know that was aggressive. [01:01:04] Speaker B: All right? But I love y'. [01:01:05] Speaker A: All. [01:01:06] Speaker B: Until the next time, Yalls relationship status. The place where we talk relationships. Until next time, y', all, we're out. Peace. Sam.