287th Date: Did Your Parents Teach You How to Love?

[00:00:00] Speaker A: Imagine if TJ Got in a relationship with somebody. He's seen his parents, they never have this conversation, and the girl cheats on him. He's out. Now on the flip side, Jasmine has learned the opposite behavior from her parents because they communicate in a way where she knew that her dad cheated on him on the mom and her mom and Angela cheated back on Marcus. Right. So what did she do when her boyfriend cheated on her? She cheated on him. [00:00:31] Speaker B: Right. [00:00:32] Speaker A: But still, somebody cheated first, and then. [00:00:34] Speaker B: No, no, no. It was around. Okay, yeah, he did. And then she said she did it back. But what I'm. But still, yeah, if somebody does cheat, they had. Some people are forgiven for and some people are not. It doesn't matter if they have the conversation or not. It's just some people. [00:00:50] Speaker A: I think the reason why I'm using Terry and Diane as opposed to Marcus and Angela is because I think Marcus and Angela's relationship and their loudness caused their kid. Welcome to relationship status, where we are changing relationships one conversation at a time. [00:01:11] Speaker B: I am Angel. [00:01:12] Speaker C: And I'm Chanel. [00:01:14] Speaker A: And I'm your boy Yousef in the building. And we are back once again for a great episode. And, you know, for the most part, some of y' all don't need. Some of us don't need to go to couples therapy. We really just need to sit down with our parents and go, what in the hell were y' all doing? [00:01:32] Speaker C: I agree with you. [00:01:33] Speaker B: Oh, I did that. [00:01:33] Speaker A: I'm like, why was you on drugs? I once had a conversation with my dad. Cause my dad is a notorious. Was a notorious or is notorious the word? I don't think notorious is the word. What's it called? Damn. It's going to escape me. But anyway, he cheated. [00:01:51] Speaker C: Habitual. [00:01:52] Speaker A: Habitual cheater. There we go. As an English teacher, I should notice, but he was an habitual cheater. [00:01:57] Speaker C: And papa was a rolling stone. [00:01:59] Speaker A: Yeah, Wherever that stone could roll, he wrote he rolled. [00:02:03] Speaker B: That's a very good song. [00:02:05] Speaker A: And I asked him one time about it. This is probably a couple years ago. He's married now. He's been married now about seven, eight years now. [00:02:15] Speaker C: Okay. [00:02:15] Speaker A: On his third marriage and, you know, doing well. Has not stepped out. [00:02:20] Speaker C: He got old. [00:02:21] Speaker A: Has not. Just wait. First off, he just turned 75. And I showed you a picture of him. Showed you a picture of him. He don't. My Daddy don't look 75. So he ended up. We had a conversation, and he said, well, son, I'mma tell you like this. What were we brought over here to do? I said, who brought what? What are you talking about? He said, what was the black people, black men brought over here to do when they brought us over as slaves? I said, I work the fields and the house and all of that and, you know, be slaves. He was like, yes, that's one thing, but one major thing you're missing. [00:02:59] Speaker B: Make more. [00:03:00] Speaker A: He said, we were brought here to breed. He said, all I'm doing, all I was doing when I was younger was following in my DNA. It's in our DNA to breed multiple women. [00:03:10] Speaker C: I said, daddy, he ain't had it. [00:03:15] Speaker A: Yeah, no, that ain't it. From your parents not being able to trust people, especially like me. I grew up in a single parent household. I know. I'm not sure about either of you too, because we never really quite talked about it. Uh, we gonna talk about it today. Um, my mom never really trusted anybody. Um, my mom actually did an episode with us about domestic abuse. And there was a point where she was abused by one of her boyfriends when I was a kid. Um, so after that she couldn't trust. She ended up with like a long term boyfriend, Mr. Perry, who was kind of our, you know, he was kind of our pseudo stepdad. Um, that. Then of course, she dealt with my dad. My dad ended up having a child on her. So that was one thing. So it's just a plethora of different things that affected me growing up to where I didn't realize until later on how much it had affected me. What about you, angel? [00:04:12] Speaker B: I. So my parents were married, but they got divorced when I was four and I did not see my dad again until I was 20 years old. [00:04:27] Speaker C: Oh, wow. [00:04:28] Speaker B: Right. My mother got remarried when I was 8, so I had a stepfather. I guess it was just kind of. Even though I had a stepdad, like, I always wanted a relationship with my own father. Still to this day, I don't nearly see him as much as I would like to. Sometimes I'm sad about it and sometimes I'm like, you know, like, what did I do? To where he just felt like he didn't want to. [00:05:11] Speaker C: Right. [00:05:12] Speaker B: You know, see, my sister and my mom often say, it has nothing to do with you, but everything to do with him and decisions that he made. And so as a child, even like, you know, now growing up, my dad, he did give me away when I got married. He did. And then we kind of kept in touch, but he's got personal issues that he's dealing with. And so I haven't seen him since. It's 2026. Last time I saw my dad, he lives in Miami, it was 2021. So it's been five years. I haven't seen or talked to him in like five years. Wow. Yeah. [00:05:50] Speaker A: So, Chanel, what was your first example of a relationship? Your first example. Not, not a relationship you were in, but your first example of a relationship of. [00:05:59] Speaker C: I mean, I guess with my parents, of course, you know, that I can remember with my parents. But I think that would be everybody, you know. Your first relationship would be with your parents? I don't know if you want me to tell you. You know, my, my mom passed away when I was 17, so my parents divorced when I was 7 years old. So I really don't know what caused my parents to break up. I remember rumors, but because my mom passed away when I was 17, I didn't quite reach adulthood to have those questions of what happened. And I think I'm at a point of being afraid to ask because it will be one sided and I don't want to poison my mind with my dad's side and not being able to have my mom's side. [00:06:52] Speaker B: Right. [00:06:53] Speaker C: So I don't think I really want to know. So, yeah, my first experience of relationships or a loving relationship would be my parents, more so my mom, because I was raised mostly by my mom, but my dad has always been a present father. So it's not an in the home father. But yeah. [00:07:09] Speaker A: Well, I think I'm. Our relationship with our parents is different than I kind of want to speak it to is looking at their relationships that they had because they dated and you know, people came in and out of. Of their lives. Like I said, my dad. I attribute a lot of my infidelities when I was young to the fact of the example that he set for me. Even though he wasn't in my life till I was about 16. You know, he was there, but my dad had. He had a lot of issues going on, but even though he was there, but I still saw the movement, movement around of woman to woman. [00:07:50] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:07:50] Speaker A: And having these different women and. And no matter where he was, it was always somebody, you know, it was always somebody else. And it was almost like he was trying to feed an appetite that he couldn't ever get to while my mom was on a different side of it. My mom was a relationship seeker. So she was a person who. So she was a person who. I only known her to date three people. It was, I don't remember a relationship with my dad because they split before I can remember. Then there was and even in that, my mom, to keep the relationship, put up with some stuff. My sister was born by an outside. Is from an outside woman. My mom took my sister in and was gonna raise her like she was her own. But when my dad left my mom, she ended up saying, okay, well, that's fine. Well, you gonna take your daughter with you? Or, you know, I'm gonna take the boys and leave, and y' all could have a house. And so she was willing to keep the relationship going. But I think that comes down to a deeper issue with my mom, between her and her mother and her feeling of not being wanted by her mom because her mom didn't want to be with her because of the mom's relationship with my mother's dad. So the effect of two generations past me, before me, ends up affecting me, because I think I'm the balance of my parents. I'm a person who likes being in relationships. But early on, I was a cheater up until my marriage, you know what I'm saying? So I'm a balance of. I was a balance of both of my parents. And it's just because of the two different situations that I saw and I experienced, especially my mom. Like, you know, the guy that was beating on her, she stayed with him and stayed with him and stayed with him until she couldn't. You know what I'm saying? And then the other guy, she stayed with him for forever. For forever in a day. And then he ended up. I don't even know what ended up happening with them, because my mother never. And that's another thing I could say about my mom. I never knew what the problem was. [00:10:06] Speaker C: Right. [00:10:07] Speaker B: Right. [00:10:08] Speaker A: Until after it was gone. And even after it was gone, my mother still won't say a negative word about Mr. Perry. You know what I'm saying? Like, I still. She'll never say nothing negative about him. I don't know why they broke up. I don't know why they. None of that. So I never saw my mom, like, in a situation where she let us know. She never let us know what was going on. And I think that that's. I've kind of adopted that with my own kids, too. Like, my kids don't see a lot of what goes on in my relationships. They may meet people, but if I can keep the negativity or the talking around them or the yelling and arguing around them down, then they won't see it from me, because I don't want to. I don't want to keep that thing going at all. So how did Your parents deal with conflict? [00:10:58] Speaker C: My parents, like I said, it was a lot of early on stuff. I do remember a lot of yelling and fussing. Like I said, they separated when I was seven years old. But my mom was always the type of person where she tried to shield us from a lot of. So I remember my dad was a drinker. So, you know, of course, if they got into arguments or what not, you know, she would always try to put us to bed and stuff. But I do remember a lot of yelling and fussing and stuff like that. But she was always that type of person of she cry in silence and it's gonna be okay, don't worry about it type of stuff. And I kind of think that's what caused them to. Yeah, I could separate was because she didn't want us to see that, because my mom was one of those children that went through a lot of that too, so. So she didn't want to have that in our childhood, which I think is the reason why she ultimately left my dad. Not to say my dad was a bad person, because again, I don't really know, but I assume that's what it was. But, yeah, we did endure some of that. And they couldn't handle conflict between the two of them. My dad come from an abusive childhood. My mom did too, so they couldn't handle it. [00:12:11] Speaker A: So they were really, like, aggressive towards each other. [00:12:14] Speaker C: Right. So I think ultimately, because of their own trauma, they needed healing of their own, so they couldn't deal with each other. [00:12:23] Speaker A: What about you, Angel? Just. I know you said you're split. [00:12:27] Speaker B: Well, yeah, and my parents got divorced when I was 4. [00:12:31] Speaker A: But your mom had to have other relationships. [00:12:33] Speaker B: So the. And then my mom got remarried when I was 8. And they stayed together from. Until he passed away, I think, when I was 19. And then I haven't. Like, I had my. Saw my mom have maybe like a friend or two, but nothing. She just never, like, after her current husband died. I think I. She may have gone out on a date with maybe like one or two people since then. My mom's 68 years old. Like, she just. She just didn't. [00:13:08] Speaker A: So, I mean, but, like, how. Even with her husband, how did you see her deal with conflict? Or how did you see them deal with conflict? [00:13:13] Speaker B: They. My stepfather and my mom, they. I don't want to say they clashed a lot. It's just. How can I say this in a night. I don't know how to word it? They were brought up two totally different ways, as my mom is from the city. And my stepdad is from, like, the country. And so it was like my mom was like worlds beyond him. And it was. And I don't think he could quite understand, like, the way, like, she did things and the way that she was raising me and my. My sister. I don't think he could quite. And then my mom was much more educated than he was. And so that was a lot of their struggle too, because he. He felt like my mother was always. My mother's very smart, she's very intelligent. And I think he always. When they would get like, in little spats, whatever, I always think that he felt like she was trying to belittle him. And I don't think that's what it was. It's just that he just did not understand I didn't have the education that my mom had. And so when them having arguments, it got kind of. It used to get heated just because he just did not. He couldn't articulate what she was trying to. [00:14:42] Speaker A: So he was unable to talk things out. [00:14:43] Speaker C: So did it. [00:14:44] Speaker A: So he didn't talk things out. Do you think that he kind of. Did he ever go silent? [00:14:48] Speaker B: Yes. [00:14:49] Speaker A: Because, you know, some people will go, like me. You get to yell and I'm gonna go silent. [00:14:52] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:14:52] Speaker A: No. [00:14:53] Speaker B: Yes. And then sometimes he would just, like, you know, leave the house and go back to, like, his sister's house, like in the country or whatever. And then my mom. Well, they were separated, actually, before he passed away. I forgot about that. So he didn't. I can't remember exactly when he. When he moved out, but it was a time that he moved out. And actually when he passed away, they. They were actually not together when he. When he passed away. [00:15:27] Speaker A: So, angel, in your marriage, when you had to deal with conflict, do you feel like you dealt with it the same way your mom dealt with it from what you saw, or do you feel like you. [00:15:38] Speaker B: I don't think so. [00:15:39] Speaker A: So how did you deal with. How did you deal with conflict in your marriage? [00:15:42] Speaker B: We. And I always shield my kids. I think me and my ex husband, we weren't the best, but I think we agreed on not letting our children see us argue. So, like, it was time and it wasn't much times that we had knocked down drag out vice, which is crazy. We just. We never. I think we had our first argument, like, five years into being married. Okay. And so it's just after time, things just started to fall apart. And my sons was like. They would hear us sometime, but it not to, like, the point where they were like, scared or whatever, because I'm a type of. Like, I shut down. Like, I don't want to argue. Like, I can. And this is probably bad. Like, I. I ignore people. Like, you can be talking to me, and I act like you don't exist. It's probably not the best way to deal with certain situations. But I'm stubborn, and I'm. And I'm very adamant about what I say and want to do. So if I don't want to listen to you talk, then I just won't. [00:16:53] Speaker A: Chanel. So on the flip side of conflict is affection. How was. How was it. How has affection shown growth for you growing up? How did it affect how you show affection now? [00:17:05] Speaker C: My mom. Oh, my God. Was always a very loving, affectionate person. Like, I remember, and this is something I believe I have learned to do. When it came to catering my husband, I remember. I remember my mom would cook for me and my brothers and then turn around and cook a whole separate meal for my dad. Run his bath water and everything. Like, she's always been that nurturing person, and my dad adored her for it. And my dad was accepting to that, and he was just as loving and caring. When they had their good moments, they had their good moments. So I believe that's why I'm so affectionate, is because I did witness that side of it, and not just for my dad, but I saw her be that same person with my stepdad. She wasn't married for very long with her second marriage, but I did see her be that same person in another relationship. So I know that's naturally who she was. My dad, who's been married to my stepmom for 35 years, a testament to their marriage. They've been married for 35 years. My dad is an awesome husband. You know, it's just they got married young and, you know, and that was it. [00:18:13] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:18:13] Speaker A: Just kind of. [00:18:14] Speaker C: Yeah. So they have a beautiful marriage, beautiful home. He's retired, she's retired, you know, So I definitely have an example from both sides of my parents just not together. [00:18:26] Speaker A: Yeah, I know. For me, there was a phrase I never heard growing up, and it was, I love you. [00:18:33] Speaker C: Now, that is something my mom undeniable. Every night before my mom went to bed, she told us she love us. I kiss my mama's cheek every day for 17 years. I was 5, 6 years old. My mom still rocked me to sleep. Like, affection was definitely shown. But my dad, on the other hand, I believe, because he wasn't shown that from his father. Still to this day, I'm 45 years old and if I be on the phone and I say, I love you, daddy, he's like, I love you too. And I have a breath. But I think now, because I lost my brother a year ago this month, last year, you know, I lost my brother. He is now coming around to realizing that I need to say it more because that loss was so devastating for him. Even more so. He just lost his baby sister two weeks, almost three weeks before we lost my brother. So he suffered a lot of loss in a couple of weeks that he's realizing, you know, it's present that I need to show more affection and more love and verbalize it more now. But it has always. My whole life my dad has struggled with actually saying the words I love you. Although he shows it right. He hasn't been able to say it. [00:19:43] Speaker A: Good. I mean, I get that I do it now because it affected me and I didn't realize how much I needed to hear it. [00:19:55] Speaker B: Right. [00:19:57] Speaker A: My grandmother never said it. My mom never said it. She just recently, I would say in the last couple of years, last two, three years, has started saying it. My dad, I've only heard him say it once and it was maybe a year ago. But my dad was raised by my grandmother, so ergo, makes sense. And then I started off not really. It made me very unaffectionate towards people. I think me and my oldest daughter's mom, we were two people who emotionally inept. So we showed no emotion, loved each other dearly, never showed it, never nothing. It wasn't until we broke up that she. That we ended. I ended up with a long five page love letter. That let me know how she felt. But before that I didn't know nothing. I didn't know. I had to guess. And it was the same for her because I. I didn't really have that thing and I kind of had to, but I couldn't. I realized that those type of things doesn't allow people to basically trust you. If you're not showing how you feel about them, how can they open up their trust? So angel, did you. Did you learn that love means trusting someone? Or did you learn love like what some people learn? Cause what some people believe is trust is monitoring and love is monitoring them. So it's like early on today we had the Girl Don't Whisper podcast and they were talking about. [00:21:41] Speaker C: I caught the end of that. [00:21:42] Speaker A: KB was talking about how she go check them out. It's two young girls, conversations are funny as crap. But she was saying that she. Even if I Got the code to my man's house. I'm still gonna pop up at his house because what are you doing that you can't answer the phone? [00:22:04] Speaker C: Well, she was saying. Actually, that's what she said. Just because you have the code don't mean. [00:22:08] Speaker A: Don't mean that you should, though. [00:22:10] Speaker C: Like, if it's. For instance, if you give your man a cold. Like I'm giving you the cold, but I don't really want you to come. Yeah. Off an emergency, like a. More convenient. [00:22:21] Speaker B: Like, if you have to. [00:22:22] Speaker C: People do that. They do that. So you'll have the perceived notion that I'm not doing anything wrong. But some people do it just so you will believe or whatever. But if you give me the code, I'm coming because. [00:22:36] Speaker B: And see, I'm not. [00:22:37] Speaker A: But that's what I'm saying. Like, all. All. The whole point I was trying to make was, you have this. I'm trusting you with this, but don't use it. Don't. No, you can come. [00:22:46] Speaker B: But all. [00:22:47] Speaker A: All I was saying was, let me [00:22:49] Speaker B: know right when you. [00:22:50] Speaker A: When you're coming. And she was like, if you give me the code, I shouldn't have to tell you. [00:22:55] Speaker C: I should just be able to use it. [00:22:56] Speaker A: I should be able to. [00:22:57] Speaker C: But, you know, I wanted to say something. She said that because. Listen, I don't know how old she is, but y'. All. [00:23:03] Speaker B: 2303. [00:23:06] Speaker C: I was around about 23, 24. I had my first little apartment, and I was dating this guy. I ain't want to tell him. I'm gonna tell my business because I was in my twenties, y'. [00:23:15] Speaker B: All. [00:23:15] Speaker C: I was. I was living loud and ratchet, little reckless. And the guy I was dealing with had him somebody else, right? But I was single. Follow me. He wasn't single, but I was single. Because I ain't claiming you and you got somebody else. [00:23:27] Speaker B: Makes sense. [00:23:28] Speaker C: I was trying to make him believe that I wasn't doing nothing, right? So he had a key to my house, but I wasn't living a clean life. And that man came walking through that door. And I had somebody else at the house. Jesus, Lord Jesus. I'm over here knocking down stuff. And that bar, how I was. [00:23:46] Speaker B: When he came through that door, I could have clutched my prayer. [00:23:48] Speaker C: And I listen, I had somebody else at the house. Thank God I wasn't doing nothing. [00:23:51] Speaker B: Jesus. [00:23:52] Speaker C: Cause I thought I was gonna die. My soul left my body. I bet he came. [00:23:55] Speaker B: I bet it came through the door. [00:23:57] Speaker C: I was in the living room. Thank God I wasn't doing that Y'. [00:23:59] Speaker A: All. Oh Jesus. [00:24:00] Speaker C: I almost had a flashback. Y' all saw. I almost fell out this chair just now. [00:24:05] Speaker B: Yeah. Woo. You need. She might need it. [00:24:07] Speaker A: I almost lost it so. [00:24:09] Speaker C: But I felt like, she felt like, don't pop up on me. I gave you the key for you to have security, not for you to use it. [00:24:16] Speaker A: Yeah, no, she, she was. [00:24:18] Speaker C: I done learned my lesson. That was 20 PL on the other [00:24:20] Speaker A: side of that, she's the person that was coming over. Like she wanted to come over. [00:24:23] Speaker C: No, I was giving you security, not for you to use it. Don't use it. Don't use it. [00:24:27] Speaker A: Now I was watching recently, I watched that new Tyler Perry movie why did I get married Again? [00:24:32] Speaker B: I did, I finished it this morning. [00:24:33] Speaker A: Finished this morning. I did pretty good watch. But in it Marcus and who? Marcus's wife's name. Angela. Marcus and Angela have a son. [00:24:44] Speaker B: I have a daughter that a daughter and a son. [00:24:46] Speaker A: Daughter and a son. And the daughter's getting married. And what they realize in this is by them putting on this Persona for the kids and everything else and not really telling them about the pitfalls of life and them just noticing cuz they argue loud. [00:25:06] Speaker B: You know, they didn't hire Marcus and Angela gonna argue anyway. [00:25:12] Speaker A: So her daughter's name is Jasmine, is marrying Wesley, which is one of their friends son, a new character to the show, to the movie series. And they end up getting in a situation where they're arguing loud and they pretty much just mimic or mirror what their parents think. Jasmine mirrors her parents relationship. And it's crazy because our children doomed. It just made me think are our children doomed to repeat what our relationship patterns have been that they've seen? [00:25:48] Speaker B: I was just having. That's crazy. After I finished watching the movie, I was actually on the phone talking to one of my male friends about it. My sons have only seen me with two men, their dad and my ex boyfriend. Like that's it. And I never want them to be like, oh well you know, my mom's single so you know, she got this person coming over, this person coming. Like I never want to have my son. I never want my sons to look at me in a different light. Like I'm not, I'm not that type of person. And maybe I get that from my mom. Like she never had, you know, different people. I saw my mom with my, my dad, my stepfather and then maybe like a friend. And that was it from four on up to now. So I never, I always want to. I tell anybody. I always want my sons whenever they are Ready to get married. I want them to say, I want to marry a woman like my mom. [00:26:58] Speaker C: Right. [00:26:59] Speaker B: Like, because I, anybody that knows me, knows me, knows that Kaden and Ashton are my, they are my world. Like, I feel like they are the greatest accomplishments that I've had. Like my, they are to me, even though they can do wrong. But to me, they can do no wrong. Because I've never had an ounce of trouble out of anyone from 4K on up to high school. I've, they've never gotten in trouble. I've never like. So I think they are like, in my eyes, the greatest kids ever. And I just don't want them to, I don't want them to see me in anything toxic because they never have. And now I know that they're 23 and 21. I just don't want to bring any of that energy around them. [00:27:55] Speaker C: I think it's two sides to that because as a female, I, I feel like some of my aggressive ways, [00:28:03] Speaker B: I, [00:28:03] Speaker C: I didn't see that to be a laughable moment. [00:28:08] Speaker B: Sorry. [00:28:08] Speaker C: I'm trying to, I'm trying to find out what was so comical about that Yousef Yoshi. But anyway, I feel like some of my aggressive ways come from my father. Hey, daddy, I know you're looking, but anyway, yes, he's, he's an Aries. He's a fire sign. And I am too. But anyway, yeah, all seriousness, I do, I do feel like my dad's a quick tempered person that I am too, but it's not all negative, you know? [00:28:37] Speaker B: Right. [00:28:37] Speaker C: But I, I do feel like sometimes I can be a very short fused first person. And I have witnessed that from my dad, that sometimes my temper can be just like my dad's. And I feel like I am an aggressive female sometimes. I have witnessed that from him. My mom is a lower demeanor sometimes, but she's more moody. Okay. You know, and I'm not necessarily that way, but I do have her temperament sometimes. But I do feel like all of my sons are just like me in that aspect, which comes from my dad. But when it comes to how I was treated in relationships, I tried to change that because the fact that I was a single mom, I took the time to, when my son started dating to teach them. Like, I remember when my son went on his first date, I, I went with him. He was 15 years old. Me and her mom was there. They went to Texas Roadhouse. Like, I made sure I coached him into opening her door and pulling out her. Most definitely stuff like that conversation when he was 17. Years old, he was about to go off to the army and it was his girlfriend's birthday and I helped him pick out flowers, his outfit. We did rose petals at the. What is the veterans part right behind the civic center. And because he was going off to the army, we catered everything to the whole army thing. My son played the saxophone and it was, you know, special moments that I taught him how to cater to his lady. That I wanted him to understand what chivalry was and how you take time to be intentional about your dates and most definitely catering to your lady that he didn't see a man do for me. But I wanted him to understand that those things were important when it came to having a woman and when you get a wife, that I wanted to make sure he understood. And my other sons, if they didn't have a girlfriend, they watched me do with him so that when they did get a wife and they understood those things so that they wouldn't take the energy of what they missed out on into their relationships because they didn't see it with me. And they didn't have the example from the father. [00:30:49] Speaker B: Right. [00:30:49] Speaker C: You know, so my sons had the [00:30:51] Speaker B: example from their father. Like they, my kids grew up in a two parent home up until my oldest son was 18 and then he left for college and my other son was getting returned 17. So they actually grew up in a two parent home. So. [00:31:06] Speaker C: Right. [00:31:07] Speaker B: My ex husband taught them, like when I'm not there, you pump the gas for your mom. When I'm not here, you go outside and get the groceries for your mom. When I'm not here you open the door for your mom. Like they knew these things because their father actually did tell them, like this is what you're supposed to do. Like you're going up to be a man, this is what you're supposed to do. And so when my sons went on first dates, like we didn't really have to tell them because their father already told them, like, hey, you're a man, like this is what you're supposed to do. So I will say then he was a good example to my sons about how you are supposed to treat a woman. And they still to this day, like when I'm they we don't because they got cars or whatever and they drive. But if we happen to be somewhere and we're all together, like if they riding with me somewhere and I pull up at the gas station, they both immediately jump out of the car and go to like I never have to do any of that. And that's been instilled in them since they were 5, 6, 7 years old. Like, they've been, they've been doing it like their whole lives. [00:32:18] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:32:18] Speaker A: So, Chanel, do you think you've ever caught yourself acting like your mom? [00:32:26] Speaker C: Yes, plenty of times in the relationship. Yeah, I have. [00:32:30] Speaker A: Okay. And what, what capacity? [00:32:33] Speaker C: Like I was saying earlier, the way I have catered to my man in my relationship, I actually see it kind of, if you would say mimicking, because I did exactly what I saw. Because it's almost like a trained behavior. I, I feel like that's what I was trained to do. That's what I saw. So I mimicked the behavior I saw. [00:32:55] Speaker A: Same for you? [00:32:56] Speaker B: Yep. With my mom, with my stepdad. Absolutely. Like, she cooked for him, she fixed his food, she would iron his clothes, she would do like all the things. And so when I got married, I did the exact same thing. Like, without hesitation. Like, no, it wasn't even a second thought because that's just what. [00:33:18] Speaker C: Yeah, it's like a train bear. [00:33:19] Speaker B: Yeah, it's like a train bear. So I've always fixed my husband's food, Fix his plate, brought it to him, washed his clothes, ironed them. Like, what you wearing to work tomorrow? Like, put it on the ironing board. Like, like, I've done, I've always done it. [00:33:36] Speaker A: Okay. I, I, I don't think I, I definitely acted like my dad early in my life. And then I think I mimic my mom now that I'm later in my arm, later in life. Because I think earlier, earlier you think you have more time. And so you're a little bit more free spirited. You're a little bit more, I ain't really falling in love and all of this and that. And I think. But I didn't know what it was at the time until I was, I was getting, I got married and then I ended up after my divorce, I went into, I did some counseling. And that's why I learned a little bit about how my parents, the dynamic of both of them kind of affected me and why my actions were as far as more lean towards my father earlier on and kind of had to do some things to get myself to a better place where I wasn't acting as recklessly as I was at the time. I had a question here. Do we sometimes choose partner who feel familiar, even when familiar isn't healthy? And I would say, like, basically, Basically, are you willing to date your parent? [00:34:49] Speaker C: Am I willing to date my parents? [00:34:51] Speaker A: Yeah. Like, like, like angel said, I wanna, I wanna get, for example, Angel Said I want my boys to marry someone. Say, oh, I want to marry someone. [00:35:00] Speaker B: No, I wouldn't want to marry somebody like my dad. No, absolutely not. [00:35:05] Speaker C: I ain't gonna say my dad might see this. [00:35:09] Speaker B: But what I know, I have a [00:35:11] Speaker A: friend of mine who she says it all the time, like she's looking for her dad, like she's looking for her. [00:35:16] Speaker C: Well, I'm say this. There are certain parts of my dad that I want to be in my husband, but do I want to marry a mini me of my dad? Hell no. I love you, Daddy. [00:35:27] Speaker B: I will say this. My maternal and paternal grandparents, my mom's mother and father, my dad's mother and father, they were married until they died, okay? Both sets of my grandparents, they've lived like they were literally together until they. Both sets of my grandparents have now passed away, but they were together until either one of them passed away. And so I've. That's what I wanted because I always saw my grandparents together, living in the same house. Like, that's. So that's what I was trying to strive for. Because I did have an example with both of my grandparents, like, both sets. And I thought that was just awesome, right? That they literally were both together until one of them passed away first. [00:36:26] Speaker A: I'm a little bit off topic. Do y' all believe forever? Not you, angel. [00:36:33] Speaker C: Cause I know don't do her. [00:36:35] Speaker B: What you be doing me. Like, do you believe forever for you? That we're striving for. [00:36:40] Speaker A: For you. Is forever a thing? [00:36:43] Speaker C: Yes. [00:36:45] Speaker A: You think you can forever? [00:36:47] Speaker C: Can I be with someone forever? [00:36:48] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:36:49] Speaker C: Yes. [00:36:50] Speaker B: Yeah. And I thought I was. I thought I was when I was married. What do you mean? [00:36:56] Speaker A: No, I'm talking about in your current state, being through what you've been through. [00:36:59] Speaker B: Listen, I can't. I don't have nobody to be. [00:37:02] Speaker C: I mean, I. I want forever. I'm pushing for forever. Yes. [00:37:10] Speaker B: All right, so if I happen. Cuz you always be. Not you, angel. If I happen to get married again and I keep telling you, like, it's not. I'm not ever against it. I'm never saying that. You just look how he just roll his eyes and I'm not going to say that right now. Jesus Christ says I could walk out of here today and go out of your run, and then I'll be like, you know what? That's it. [00:37:40] Speaker C: That's him. [00:37:41] Speaker B: It just hasn't happened for me yet. Looking at Jesus. But if it does, that's it. You get tired of me, you better go around and take a nap and [00:37:54] Speaker C: I'm coming around here, aggravate you in the aisle. [00:37:57] Speaker B: If I get married again, this is it. I'm sorry. Yeah, you stuck like Chuck. So if you don't want, like I'm telling you right now, this is it. I'm not. If you decide you don't want to be married no more, then you would have. I'm not doing. Go and get out my face. Go take a nap. You tired, I promise. You better go in the other room. [00:38:20] Speaker C: I'm too old for a divorce. [00:38:21] Speaker B: Right. Go sit in your car. You can go. [00:38:24] Speaker C: Don't kill me either. 25 more lives, I'm coming back. [00:38:29] Speaker B: If you get tired, you can go to the new public. They getting ready to bill. You can go around there and walk around, do something, go take a jog or whatever. [00:38:35] Speaker C: But I'm sorry, I'm about to get off in November. [00:38:38] Speaker B: It is. But right now, at this point in my life, I'm doing. I'm not doing. I'm not. [00:38:46] Speaker A: Okay. [00:38:48] Speaker B: Like no. Forever [00:38:52] Speaker A: anyway. All right, so now it's time for the reason why some of you come to the show. It's the either our segment. [00:38:57] Speaker C: Everybody with us. [00:38:58] Speaker A: Yes. We got got a couple of questions here. You gotta choose either or as quickly as you can. All right, first one. Would you rather have parents who fought loudly or parents who never fought but never communicated? [00:39:15] Speaker C: Y' all can fight loudly. I get some earplugs. Because if they never fight. Hold on, let me repeat this. You say never fought, never communicated. [00:39:25] Speaker A: Yeah, they never fought. They never fought, but never communicated. [00:39:30] Speaker C: Yeah, because I'm. These. Because. I mean, what kind of fighting? Physical fighting or just. [00:39:36] Speaker A: No, just. It's just verbal. [00:39:38] Speaker C: Let's just take it as verbal because they might just. They just might be loud. They just got big mouths. I talk a lot. So yeah, just go ahead and get it out. [00:39:46] Speaker A: What about you, Angel? [00:39:48] Speaker C: Cause I'm gonna need y' all to have some communities. [00:39:50] Speaker B: I would take the opposite. Cuz what if the arguing might trigger me into growing up and being in a relationship? And I think that that's how it's supposed to. Yeah, I don't know. So I don't want to hear you. I don't want to hear it. [00:40:04] Speaker A: Okay. I would say I'd rather have parents who fought loudly. At least I know they're communicating. Next one. Would you rather date someone exactly like your father or. [00:40:16] Speaker B: Hell no. [00:40:16] Speaker A: Or exactly like your mother? [00:40:18] Speaker C: Sorry, I ain't want either one. Cause both of my parents. [00:40:21] Speaker B: Pick one. My mother. [00:40:24] Speaker C: See, I wanna see you playing with my Emotions. Because of course I'm telling mama. Cause she gone. But my daddy ain't that bad. He just a little crazy. [00:40:32] Speaker B: He ain't that bad. My father. [00:40:34] Speaker C: Both of my parents, a little psychotic example. Look at me. [00:40:39] Speaker B: My mom is just so extra drug. [00:40:41] Speaker C: That what I'm saying. [00:40:42] Speaker B: Like, I would rather. [00:40:43] Speaker A: I would rather my mom. I'll be scared somebody like my daddy cheat on me, but I think my [00:40:49] Speaker C: mama was cheating too. Let's be real. [00:40:53] Speaker A: Would you. Would you rather your parents tell you everything about their marriage or keep everything about their marriage private? [00:41:00] Speaker C: Keep it private. I a want to know. [00:41:02] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:41:02] Speaker C: Private. [00:41:02] Speaker B: It's none of my business. [00:41:04] Speaker A: I. I want to know. [00:41:05] Speaker B: I don't. I a know. Yeah. That's. They absolutely. That's their marriage in that situation. I don't. Yeah. That ain't just like, I don't need everybody to know what's going on in mine. [00:41:15] Speaker A: Yeah. I just think that there's value in knowing. Just like in the movie, right. When all. When all of the parents came because all of the kids were. All of the kids were basically mirroring. [00:41:26] Speaker B: Yeah. They had this Persona that the parents [00:41:28] Speaker A: were like, parents were just on a pedestal and nothing was wrong. And they were. [00:41:34] Speaker C: Some things that need to be known and knowing everything still don't need to [00:41:40] Speaker A: know everything in the movie without giving the movie away, cuz, you know, Chanel, you still haven't seen it. There's a part where the. What's the. The. [00:41:51] Speaker B: The. The. [00:41:52] Speaker A: Terry and his wife. [00:41:54] Speaker B: Terry and Diane. [00:41:55] Speaker A: Terry and Diane, you know, they ended up. They cheated the boy. The young. Their son and daughter didn't. Didn't know that. [00:42:01] Speaker B: Yeah. They had no idea. [00:42:02] Speaker A: They had no idea that this even happened between them. [00:42:04] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:42:05] Speaker A: And so it gave them a skewed look of how the fact that the two of them. Nobody couldn't beat. Like, tt was like, TJ was just like, nobody's as good as my mom. So he would never. So every time he approached somebody home, you wouldn't bring nobody home. You're not good enough to meet my. You're not good enough to meet my mom. And the daughter was like, well, shoot, you're not like my dad. You're not good enough for me. So there would always be a breakup. So she could never get through any relationships because they were on a pedestal. So the reason why I would want to know these things is because I need to know that you're human. One, two. [00:42:41] Speaker C: Again, I agree that they need to know their parents are human, but still, there are certain things within their marriage they don't have to know that their [00:42:49] Speaker B: parents cheated to know if they're human. Yeah, absolutely. [00:42:52] Speaker C: But they need to know that their parents are not perfect. But there are certain their infidelity issues are not for the public. [00:43:00] Speaker B: Absolutely, I agree. [00:43:01] Speaker C: I still don't feel like you need to make my mama look like a hoe in order for me to know that she's not perfect. [00:43:06] Speaker A: No, I mean, I'm not saying that, but I'm talking about them communicating with you, not necessarily the world. It's just you. [00:43:12] Speaker C: But I think it was a conversation that needed to be had between a mother and a son to say, hey, mama's not perfect. That there are certain things that you don't know about me that. You know what I'm saying? You should be comfortable having a conversation with me as your mom to know that it's okay for your girlfriend not to meet everything A to Z. [00:43:29] Speaker B: Right. [00:43:29] Speaker C: But. No, but you don't have to know I cheated on your daddy. [00:43:32] Speaker A: Yeah, you don't. I think that. I think that you should. I think that they should know why. Because it. I think so that you can understand that there's a few reasons why. One, yes, because we can go through this thing, such as cheating, that normally breaks people up and come out on the other side. I think it shows that you can work through issues within your relationship. And if you're not direct. Yes. I think that my. I'm gonna get a little personal here. My ex wife told my daughter or told my kids that I had cheated on her in turn. My daughter asked me about that one one day, this is probably a couple months ago. [00:44:21] Speaker B: She. [00:44:22] Speaker A: She asked me. I think we was having a conversation. And I said. And I said something like. She was talking about getting married and stuff like that. She's 18. I said, you got a long way to go, baby. But. And somehow it came up about cheating. I said, listen, I've never cheated in a marriage. She was like, well, you only been married once. And I was like. She said, you cheated on mommy. [00:44:40] Speaker C: Did you? [00:44:40] Speaker A: I said, no, I did not. I did not cheat on your mom. And I think if. If you're honest with your kids in that sense, especially in the sense of Terry and Diane with the pedestal that TJ Put Diane on, and just the both of them seeing how perfect the relationship was without conflict, like, I think it is important for them to bring up the fact that, yeah, you know, Diane said, yeah, I cheated on your dad. And then Terry said, and in turn, I cheated on you. I cheated on. I had Some affairs as well. And so that brings. And it's not only showing that they're human, but it's bringing. It's bringing the kids to. Geez. If the. If the people that I think are most perfect, they're. They're extremely flawed. And the fact that they made it through, because most people don't make it through. And that's what I'm saying. I think that's the case. Like Angela and Marcus don't have that problem because the kid. If you was in an earshot of Angela's mouth, you knew Marcus was a cheater. [00:45:44] Speaker C: Okay. But again, I feel like this. Look at Angela's situation. I haven't seen the movie yet, but I feel like this. When someone knows too much, they're privileged to too much information about you. It opens a Pandora box. Questions that you are not privileged of knowing that they may have because they're not going to ask every question. Hypothetically speaking, let's say, for instance, if Terry cheated on. What's her husband name? [00:46:06] Speaker B: Diane [00:46:09] Speaker A: cheated on Terry. [00:46:10] Speaker C: Terry and Diane. Let's say if it's Diane cheated on Terry, all she said was, I cheated and don't disclose her why. And you leave her son or her daughter to. No, I'm question without having a conversation. [00:46:23] Speaker A: But I'm without conversation. [00:46:25] Speaker C: But what if he's not comfortable enough to say, mama, why did you cheat? [00:46:28] Speaker A: No. [00:46:29] Speaker C: What if her reasoning is not something that she can actually disclose comfortably to her son? There are so many questions that could go unanswered. I'm talking about when you disclose too much information. [00:46:38] Speaker A: No, it ain't you. But that's the thing. I. I think that sometimes we overprotect our kids as. [00:46:44] Speaker C: As. I think sometimes we give out too [00:46:46] Speaker A: much information, as Terry did with TJ. He was like. Like they was like, TJ's afraid to talk to women because t. Because Terry felt like he just overdid it with the protection of him when it comes to women. And the way that he showed his mom, the way he portrayed Diane and [00:47:07] Speaker C: to him, like, I don't disagree with the fact that. Yeah. That they should have a more open communication, but I do feel like sometimes we give people too much information. You're not privileged to know everything. [00:47:17] Speaker A: Yes. I think our children. You don't know. You don't need to know about my sex life. No. Do you need to know everything? [00:47:23] Speaker C: You asking about whether I cheated or not. That's my sex. [00:47:27] Speaker A: No. [00:47:27] Speaker B: Yes, it is. [00:47:28] Speaker A: No, I don't. [00:47:31] Speaker C: Because your daddy got erectile dysfunction. That's the reason why. But I won't get hard no more and I hump somebody else. You think his daddy. [00:47:40] Speaker A: Come on. I would have that conversation with my kid. [00:47:44] Speaker B: That's a bit much. [00:47:45] Speaker C: I'm saying [00:47:48] Speaker B: that you can say things without saying. [00:47:51] Speaker A: But I'm not talking about having these conversations alone. Like y' all are talking about, like having a singular conversation. I'm not talking about having a single. Like me sitting down. I did this. [00:48:00] Speaker C: And it's just because you're comfortable telling somebody something. Don't. [00:48:04] Speaker A: Me and my wife are sitting down with my kids. [00:48:06] Speaker C: But who makes it comfortable for them to have that conversation? [00:48:08] Speaker A: What you mean, who makes it comfortable? [00:48:09] Speaker C: We both. Because you comfortable talking about it don't mean everybody comfortable to receive the conversation. [00:48:13] Speaker A: It doesn't matter. We have to have the conversation. [00:48:16] Speaker C: Why? [00:48:17] Speaker B: Why? [00:48:17] Speaker A: Because so that my kids understand that a you can work through things that cheating doesn't. [00:48:22] Speaker C: Why does it have to be that particular conversation? [00:48:25] Speaker A: No, it does. I. I just think it needs to be about. [00:48:27] Speaker B: So question. Can you just say, hey, me and your mom, we are not perfect. Like, we've made a few mistakes. We can't take them back. But just know, like can is can. Or does it have to be broad and saying exactly what you think? [00:48:41] Speaker A: But that's a broad statement. [00:48:42] Speaker B: But you're saying you don't have to [00:48:46] Speaker C: bring up your sex life to let you know that I'm not perfect. I'm not saying. [00:48:50] Speaker B: But I'm saying is that okay? No, if you just say some mistakes, we're not perfect. [00:48:57] Speaker A: No, because. Not the kid. Because to the kid now the kid is just going, what mistakes? You made a mistake on taxes. You made a mistake. Yeah, it doesn't. It doesn't matter. Like, I think a part of a part of it is. [00:49:10] Speaker C: It's easy to say, son, you're not privileged to know every detail of me and your daddy. [00:49:19] Speaker B: Perfect. Perfect. Everyone's not perfect. [00:49:21] Speaker A: But that's so. That is so vague. [00:49:23] Speaker C: Wow. [00:49:24] Speaker A: So that means that you. So basically what you're saying is you can't have a difficult conversation with your kids. [00:49:29] Speaker C: Yes, you can. It don't always have to be about your sex life. [00:49:31] Speaker B: Yeah, but why do you want you [00:49:33] Speaker C: also teaching yourself that go on behind closed doors meant to be left behind closed doors. But that I don't know who my son humping. [00:49:40] Speaker A: But that's the. See, but that's the thing. I think that like, just like I think. I think Terry said it in the movie. That's the worst thing. That's the worst Thing that was ever put out was what happens behind closed doors, stay behind closed doors, Whatever happens in this house. [00:49:52] Speaker C: Some things that are done behind closed doors. [00:49:54] Speaker A: I think that when it comes to the way that. The way that we raise our kids and the way that what we do affects our children, like his. Okay, let's shake the box. [00:50:06] Speaker C: If you got a gay child, a gay son, and he said, daddy, I ain't bottom. I'm top. [00:50:12] Speaker A: I gotta have that conversation with my child. [00:50:14] Speaker C: I'm bottom, Daddy, do you want to know why I'm bottom. You ready to have that conversation? [00:50:18] Speaker A: I am ready to have that conversation. [00:50:20] Speaker C: You okay with it? [00:50:21] Speaker A: I am okay with that conversation. [00:50:22] Speaker C: And then when he tell you that I ain't never had no. No woman before, then you want to [00:50:26] Speaker A: know why, then I'm good with that. [00:50:28] Speaker C: Would you be okay with it? [00:50:29] Speaker A: I'm okay with it. [00:50:29] Speaker C: But do you understand it's an uncomfortable conversation when he want to tell you how many men he done been with. It's an uncomfortable conversation. All I'm saying is there are some things that go on behind closed doors that everybody don't want to know. [00:50:42] Speaker A: But. But what I'm saying is when it comes to us as parents and what we're going and what we're doing, and I'm. And I'm just talking about in the sense of. As it relates to the, to the, to what I was talking about as far as. As parents, the things, the mistakes that we made. [00:50:57] Speaker B: I've. [00:50:57] Speaker A: I've talked to my son about the mistakes that I made in the relationship with me and his mom. You know what I'm saying? I've talked to. About the mistakes I made with their mom. I've talked about the mistakes that I've made. Like, we've had open conversations where I've had to get honest about the things that I did that caused those relationships not to work for nothing else, as for them to not to be able to say, okay, I seen this happen. I. I know about this. I know about this. And so that through the conversation that I can help them get to the. How I got to the other side and how I'm willing to move forward and how even though I. This. We went through this, it bettered me as a person and I was. Bet I was better on the other side of it. So sometimes you got to go through things. And so. Yes. And not only that, but guess what? That does. The open communication and open honesty on my end opens up for my kids to be honest with me. And a nine times out of 10, a statement like what you said is vague. And the kid, when they talk to you, they're going to come back and give you that same vague statement. I want my daughter, if my daughter, if my daughter's having an issue with a young man, I want her to feel comfortable coming to me. If my son is having some, some sexual issues, I want him to feel comfortable coming to me. I don't want to, I don't want to. I don't want to curate this thing of secrecy. Like my daughter, my daughter think she was in the 10th grade and she came to me one day and was like, daddy, they cur, they call this girl a hoe and she is doing this and she's doing that and said, you doing that too? She was like, no, no, daddy, no I'm not. She's like, you know, I said, I said, you know, you can talk to me honestly if, if, if you were. And then literally in that moment and we had a, a full on blown sex conversation because she felt comfortable with me. And then ever since then, she can have whatever conversation she wants to have with me. [00:52:48] Speaker C: So change. Could you in turn tell her, when I was your age, this is what I did. [00:52:54] Speaker A: I told her that was a part of the conversation and I told her my mistakes. I told her that the way I was acting when I was young was not what you should be doing. Losing my virginity at the age I did and in the amount of things I was doing from that age on didn't make no sense. But showing her that and telling her that and telling her from a young boy's perspective who was trying to be manipulative of women, to get them to bed, to, to get them to the ability to sleep with them, was able for her to be able. And I didn't do it in a manner of all boys are bad. I did it from, hey, this is what I saw as a kid from your dad. So I thought that this, this from your granddad. So this is how I thought I had to act. That's the conversation I was able to have with my daughter. Being honest now, I could have said, well, your daddy did some things with some women back in the day. That's vague as hell. What is she gonna learn out of that? She gonna learn that. So now how is she gonna be prepared to see BS when it's coming to her? How is she gonna be prepared? You know what I'm saying? How is she gonna be prepared? I even told, I even told him. I said, I haven't told my kids I ain't gonna lie to y'. [00:54:06] Speaker B: All. [00:54:06] Speaker A: I said, me and your mom probably got married at the wrong time, but probably should have stayed married. I should have probably worked harder at the marriage and went down the list of things I should have worked harder at. Because the lesson in that for them is, okay, yeah, mom and dad. Dad left. And these are the reasons why dad left. But at least he's acknowledging that there were some things he could have done differently. [00:54:29] Speaker C: See, like a statement like that getting back to the movie, that's something that could be said to prove to their kids that we're not perfect. I just don't understand why it has to be I cheated. [00:54:40] Speaker A: Well, because. I'm gonna tell you why. I think. [00:54:43] Speaker C: I just feel like that makes them see their parents as not loving parents when they're not. [00:54:50] Speaker A: But that's the thing. Like, I think because everybody has. Everybody has this thing that cheating is the end. [00:54:58] Speaker C: If somebody cheats, people who don't have a clear perspective of what marriage is ruin it for themselves. [00:55:04] Speaker A: But that's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. So if they don't learn it from their parents that. Yo. Like, imagine if TJ Got in a relationship with somebody. He's seen his parents, they never have this conversation, and the girl cheats on him, he's out. Now, on the flip side, Jasmine has learned the opposite behavior from her parents because they communicate in a way where she knew that her dad cheated on him on the mom, and her mom and Angela cheated back on Marcus. [00:55:38] Speaker C: Right. [00:55:39] Speaker A: So what did she do when her boyfriend cheated on her? She cheated on him. [00:55:44] Speaker B: Right. [00:55:44] Speaker A: But still, she cheated first, and then. [00:55:47] Speaker B: No, no, no. That was around. Okay, yeah, he did. And then she said she did it back. But what I'm. But still, yeah, if somebody does cheat, they had. Some people are forgiven for it, and some people are not. It doesn't matter if they have the conversation or not. It's just some people. [00:56:03] Speaker A: I think the reason why I'm using Terry and Diane is of a part to Marcus and Angela is because I think Marcus and Angela's relationship and their loudness caused their kids to be okay with behavior. And I think that's the flip side of it. But I think Terry and Diane's situation had it so that you could not. Those kids could not function in a relationship because relationships should be perfect. [00:56:30] Speaker C: That's my whole point. I feel like. And so I'm gonna drive this home one last time. I'm gonna leave it alone. I feel like they could still show their kids their imperfections in a person individually without shining light on them cheating. So that way they don't ever but venture out and cheat. [00:56:46] Speaker A: No, but. [00:56:47] Speaker C: No, no, because they will look at it. I feel like this. [00:56:50] Speaker A: So you feel like if they. You feel like if they see somebody. [00:56:52] Speaker C: Let me say this, let me say this. If I never knew my mom to cheat on my dad and my dad to cheat on my mom when somebody cheated on me, I wouldn't necessarily look at it as a deal breaker, but it would be an unforbidden territory to me. You know what I'm saying? [00:57:08] Speaker A: That doesn't make sense, Chanel. [00:57:09] Speaker C: It does make sense. Because when you don't touch fire because you know it's hot, some people do things. [00:57:16] Speaker A: I don't touch fire cause I ain't dumb. [00:57:17] Speaker C: Okay, you wouldn't cheat because you know it's dumb. [00:57:21] Speaker A: No, I'm just saying, like. [00:57:22] Speaker C: But I'm saying a lot of times we do things. A lot of times we do things because you feel like it'll be okay, I'll be forgiven for it, you know, but that's. You ain't going to go sleep with somebody with HIV because you know you [00:57:33] Speaker A: ain't got no cure for. But I don't think. [00:57:35] Speaker C: Don't do things. [00:57:36] Speaker A: But I don't think that's the lesson that, that they would get from. [00:57:40] Speaker C: I'm just saying Angela and Marcus, they done cheated back and forth with each other and they kids turn around and do the same thing because they know it's forgiveness on the other side. [00:57:49] Speaker A: No, no, no, no, no, no. [00:57:50] Speaker C: Stop. [00:57:51] Speaker A: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. [00:57:53] Speaker C: Because feel like when you tell people that I've done it. Are you following me? When you tell people I've done something, they looking at like, you know what everybody doing it. [00:58:01] Speaker A: I disagree with that because the issue, the issue. The reason I said. Mark, you said Marcus and Angela, right? [00:58:06] Speaker C: I might be got name mixed up cuz I ain't saw the movie, but I seen the other two. [00:58:09] Speaker A: No, no, no. It's the same characters, but Marcus and Angela. That is correct. When you say, hey, they said whatever, blah, blah, blah. The thing was, y' all are missing the point that I'm making. The point that I'm making is Marcus and Angela nor Terry and Diane ever had a conversation with their kids about the situation. They heard them argue about it. They saw they like even Angela and. And Marcus, they heard them argue about it. They heard them be loud about it. But did the parents ever go to Them and say, hey, look, I know you heard us, we cheated. This is why I did it. Or this is why I did it. This is, this is wrong behavior. And, and we're working on ourselves, right? You know, this is how you notice this behavior. This is what brought me to this. This is what brought me to that. That's different than what they did because they were just acting without talking to the kids. I'm talking about communicating with your children and being open and honest with your kids. That's what I'm talking, I'm talking about that part and being, and showing that, yo, there is something to the other side of this. And even if you want your stance to be with your child, hey, listen, cheating is not a, is not an excuse like cheating, cheating. If somebody cheats on you, you know, be out. You know, even if that's the lesson you want them to learn, whatever it is that you feel is right, I think you gotta, you gotta talk to them about that. That's, that's the point that I'm making with it. I'm not saying that their actions or you gotta, you know, I just feel like you got to be open and honest with your kids because now it creates a two way street. Because the worst thing you want is a kid that can't talk to you, right? That's my thing is a kid that can't talk or they believe they can't talk to you about anything. You know, I mean, I, I have a daughter who lives an alternative lifestyle [00:59:57] Speaker C: and [01:00:00] Speaker A: she talks to me all the time about stuff I don't want to hear about. But I know she's talking to someone, right? I know she's talking through it. I know if she has any problem, she's going to come to me. You know what I'm saying? Ask her father. She's gonna come to me because I have created a space for her knowing that honesty and truth is a two way street. And if I. So I had to open that door by giving it to her. And by giving it to her, she's able to give it back to me. Now, do I like everything she says to me? Do I like anything? All of my kids? No, especially my youngest girl, Bray definitely don't like everything. But I don't show it on my face. I don't nothing. I smile. [01:00:45] Speaker C: What? You don't show it on your face? [01:00:47] Speaker A: No, you can't. [01:00:48] Speaker B: You roll your eyes at me every chance. [01:00:50] Speaker A: Well, you an adult. I could do that. [01:00:54] Speaker B: It's okay, bookie, but that's insane because you be like, not you, angel. Like you. You're always pointing me out and then roll your eyes. That's crazy. Oh, see, you just did it. [01:01:06] Speaker A: I did not roll my eyes. [01:01:07] Speaker B: You just did it. [01:01:09] Speaker A: Oh, my God. [01:01:10] Speaker B: Now I'm watching your eyes. [01:01:11] Speaker A: Now you. Why are you watching me like that? [01:01:12] Speaker C: And we both are. We're waiting on it. [01:01:14] Speaker A: All right, anyway, let's. We. We running out of time on this episode. [01:01:18] Speaker C: I bet. [01:01:18] Speaker A: So, all right, let's go into some. Let's go to some rapid fire questions. Let's close up with some rap fire questions. What's one relationship habit you inherited from your parents? [01:01:26] Speaker C: Relationship habit? [01:01:27] Speaker A: Yeah. That you repair that you inherited from your parents? [01:01:31] Speaker C: I think I'm a relationship seeker. My mom was like, I want to be in a relationship. Like, I'm not a angel. [01:01:42] Speaker B: Nothing. [01:01:44] Speaker A: That's an answer. I think I'm the same as you, Chanel. Just relationship seeking from my mom. Like I said, I had two. I was a cheater early, and now I'm relationship seeking. What's one thing your parents did that you refused to repeat? [01:02:04] Speaker C: One thing my parents did I refuse to repeat. [01:02:15] Speaker B: Huh. [01:02:15] Speaker C: That's a difficult. [01:02:18] Speaker B: That's a hard one for me because. [01:02:20] Speaker C: Not take accountability. My dad, Our early years. I'm chewing gum and they about to fall out of my mouth. Early years in our childhood, my mom and dad separated, and my dad wasn't as present as he could have been. And I think now that we're grown, he doesn't fully take responsibility for the time that he's missed. [01:02:45] Speaker A: Yeah, I think that too. It's funny how we agree on that, because the lack of accountability by my dad and his actions and how he dealt with women. Yeah, I think that's. That's probably my thing. [01:02:57] Speaker C: I. I mean, I know my dad. [01:02:59] Speaker A: My daddy blamed it on slavery. [01:03:00] Speaker C: Yeah. [01:03:04] Speaker A: My daddy blamed his cheating on slavery. So [01:03:09] Speaker B: my dad, from what I can remember, the reason that he said that he wasn't. I mean, my sister's lives. Is because my mom picked up and left him. And I said, but you knew where we were. And I was like, she left you for, like, a reason. I'm like, I don't. I was like. But you always knew where we were. Like, we were in New Jersey. You knew that. You knew exactly where my grandparents, like, you knew. So. Yeah, you just didn't try. It was like everything. He was like, when I came home, everything was gone. Mama took everything. All y' all clothes was gone. All y' all hair bowls was gone. Every. [01:03:54] Speaker C: She took. [01:03:55] Speaker B: She took everything and Then I came and I went to New Jersey, and your grandfather wouldn't even let me in the house. And he wouldn't do this. And. But I've never heard him say, she left because I did this. [01:04:07] Speaker A: Yeah. [01:04:08] Speaker B: I've never heard him. [01:04:09] Speaker C: Yeah. [01:04:10] Speaker B: Actually take accountability for it. [01:04:12] Speaker A: Okay. Did your parents teach you how to communicate or how to avoid communication? [01:04:17] Speaker B: Avoid. [01:04:17] Speaker A: Avoid. [01:04:19] Speaker B: Avoid. [01:04:19] Speaker A: Avoid communication. Do you think people choose partners. [01:04:23] Speaker C: Black thing or something? [01:04:26] Speaker B: Avoid. [01:04:27] Speaker A: Do you think people choose partners who feel familiar? [01:04:32] Speaker C: I. I would say yes. I. I think so. [01:04:36] Speaker A: I go out of my way to. To find antithesis to my mama. What's something you thought was normal growing up that you later realized wasn't? [01:04:49] Speaker C: Huh. [01:04:50] Speaker A: Mine would be. Accepting foolishness. I felt like my mom accept. Accepted a lot of things that she shouldn't have accepted. [01:05:02] Speaker C: You know, aggressive behavior. Not necessarily physical behavior, but aggressive behavior. Acting out, yelling and stuff like that. I thought that was passion. You know what I'm saying? People were passionate about something. [01:05:14] Speaker A: Yeah. [01:05:15] Speaker C: If they added aggressively, you know. [01:05:17] Speaker A: Yeah. [01:05:17] Speaker C: I thought that was normal. Yeah. [01:05:19] Speaker A: They just. Aggressive. [01:05:20] Speaker C: Yeah. [01:05:23] Speaker A: Angel or you? [01:05:24] Speaker B: You, I think, because I think I've watched my mom be single more than not. So it's never that I thought it was okay. It was just what I was used to seeing. And then I think that's the reason why I try to hold on to my marriage for so long because I didn't want that. [01:05:51] Speaker A: Okay. [01:05:52] Speaker B: That makes any sense. [01:05:54] Speaker A: Have you ever heard yourself say something to your partner that sounded exactly like your mother or father? [01:06:01] Speaker C: I ain't gonna admit that. I have. [01:06:04] Speaker B: No. Cause [01:06:07] Speaker A: I think [01:06:10] Speaker B: I. Yeah, I haven't because I like. I don't remember my parents, like, arguing. I was four when I got divorced, so I don't remember their. The combat. I don't remember it. So. [01:06:22] Speaker A: Okay. Okay. Well, that was our rapid fire. Close out. Chanel. You need to watch the movie. [01:06:30] Speaker C: I'll be watching it tonight. [01:06:32] Speaker B: Yeah, I cried at the end. [01:06:34] Speaker A: Get you a good listen. [01:06:35] Speaker B: Yes. And just because when I was like. Because Marcus, don't give it away. She ain't seen it, but. Okay. I'm sorry, but that made me cry in the end. [01:06:46] Speaker A: Jesus Lord. [01:06:47] Speaker B: Yeah, at the wedding. That made me cry. [01:06:49] Speaker C: She like. At the wedding. Was getting married. Yeah. [01:06:53] Speaker A: But she don't know. We don't know they make it to the. I didn't know they was gonna make it to the damn wedding. [01:07:00] Speaker C: Sorry. They getting mad. [01:07:01] Speaker A: Hold on. There is. I'm not gonna give it away, but you are going to cry laughing at this one part in the movie. There's one part that is they ain't giving away. [01:07:09] Speaker C: I already know they getting married. I know about the arguments and everything else. [01:07:16] Speaker A: Here's my final thought. Your parents probably did influence how you love. They showed you things. They gave you examples. Some of those examples were beautiful. Some of them were absolutely horrible. And some of y' all are still out here trying to win an argument. Your part. Your parents started in 1997. [01:07:31] Speaker B: But here's where we have to stop 1997. [01:07:34] Speaker A: Here's where we have to stop blaming everybody else. Your childhood may explain why you do something. It doesn't automatically exclude excuse what you do. If you can recognize that you learned to shut down you, you can recognize that you learn to distrust. You can recognize that you learned that love comes with chaos. You can recognize that you watched people stay together while being miserable. But once you recognize the pattern, you have a responsibility to change it because your children are watching you. And that's the crazy part. You might spend your whole life complaining about what your parents taught you about love while teaching the exact same lesson to your children. So before you say, that's just how I am, ask yourself, who taught me to be this way? And I do really want to keep that. And do I really want to keep that lesson? Because your parents may have given you the blueprint, but you're only. You're the only one holding the hammer. This is relationship status. Love better, communicate better. And for God's sake, stop calling dysfunction chemistry. Chanel, tell people how to confide you. [01:08:35] Speaker C: You can find me on Instagram at Nelly Pooh underscore speaks on Facebook, Instagram, YouTube and Spotify with King Me podcasts. [01:08:45] Speaker B: You can find me on Facebook at Chrissy Solomon and on instagram at a chrissy22. [01:08:52] Speaker A: And don't forget that it's still going to be in the in the description. The book given by Terry Whitmire. We are still promoting the book. Go and buy it. The book given by Terry Whitmire. Please go ahead and do that. You can remember you could catch the show on all social media platforms at R e L S tat Podcast. If you have an advice letter, hit us up dilemmasalationship status podcast.com if you want to be a guest on the show, email us the [email protected] join the Patreon relationship status patreon.com backslash relationship status. It's your boy Yousef in the building and I'm here with Chanel and Angel. And we are out. Peace.