156th Lunch Date: “YOU’RE NOT DYING!" How Much Time Apart Is Too Much?

[00:00:00] Speaker A: Welcome back to relationship status. [00:00:02] Speaker B: I am Angel. [00:00:04] Speaker C: Hi. [00:00:04] Speaker A: And I'm Chanel and that's your boy Yousef in the building. And remember, we are here changing relationships one conversation at a time. And sometimes you guys, you email us at dilemmas status podcast.com and you send us a letter or two. Today we got two and we're gonna go through them real quickly for you. Letter number one. I've been in a 17 year marriage. We've had a lot of hard times. My perception of those hard times and my husband seem to be different and it causes me some confusion. I don't know if I try to be the victim and therefore don't see things for what they are or if he does. We both had a son from a previous marriage and that were very close to that were very close in age. And then we had a daughter together. Everything was good the first year or two. Then as our kids became more behavior challenging, I noticed my husband would get super stressed when handling it, especially when his son was over. And I developed really bad anxiety. Then I started to develop resentment towards his son because it felt like it was more tense when his son was here because he did have the majority of the behavior issues and. And there is times I'd have to go to my husband about it and my husband was the one that spanks and could get very authoritarian. Although he doesn't see it that way. Although he doesn't see it that way. Sorry. So I pulled away from the relationship with his son a lot and when he would want his son to come and stay more at and at times even live with us, I didn't support that. I had the hardest time putting my anxiety aside. I think it was so. I was so fearful of the added tension and stress. Two sons are grown now and out of out on their own and his son is struggling pretty bad and he wants to move him in here, which our relationship has been rocky for the past couple of weeks. I've reached out to my husband a couple of times for connection and resolution and he never responds. He has always struggled a lot with communication. He and shuts down. I've been doing some research and I get this deep sense that if I was able to connect with his son, I would turn things around in our marriage and family. So I'm open to doing that. How do I figure out what the real issue is? Why is it so confusing? My husband seems so closed off to me right now, although he's still prepping my coffee in the morning. But there's nothing aside from that. Is there still hope? [00:02:42] Speaker C: Oh, [00:02:45] Speaker A: initial reaction. [00:02:49] Speaker C: Yes, I. Initially, yeah, I feel like there's still hope. It don't seem like they have a major problem between the two of them. It seemed like it's all weighing on the relationship she has with his son. [00:03:00] Speaker B: Right. It seemed like. [00:03:01] Speaker C: And their communication issues. [00:03:04] Speaker A: Is 17 years a long time to have unresolved issues? [00:03:07] Speaker B: Yes, most definitely. [00:03:09] Speaker C: Very long. Especially when you're not being honest about how you feel. [00:03:13] Speaker A: Yeah. Because I don't think she's. According. I didn't see it in the letter, but I don't know. She never addressed it, but she said that she's open up to him. She tried to accum. [00:03:22] Speaker B: Communicate with him, but he's not being community. Like, he's. [00:03:28] Speaker C: It sound like she. Like she made an attempt, but it doesn't seem like it was. It's been. [00:03:33] Speaker A: Well, she said. She said that. She said that when they were younger. [00:03:36] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:03:36] Speaker A: His son had more of the behavior issues. [00:03:38] Speaker B: Right. [00:03:39] Speaker A: So. [00:03:40] Speaker B: And now she. [00:03:41] Speaker A: And she made it so that he couldn't come over. [00:03:44] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:03:45] Speaker A: But now he's. He's out on his own, he's struggling. The dad wants to move him in, and she's like, well, nah. Well, you know, I don't know how to navigate that because I don't want to leave him on the street, but [00:03:59] Speaker B: that's kind of hard. [00:04:02] Speaker C: Extremely. Especially since now he's grown. And dealing with someone who's grown, coming back in the home versus a teenager is way different when you're dealing with a grown adult. [00:04:16] Speaker A: Well, I think that she create. I think that the two of them created this in a sense. Right. But his inability to. But his inability to communicate and then her inability to want to communicate. Right. So she was just like, the only thing she communicated was, he's being bad. Go ahead and beat him. Because you're the authoritarian. [00:04:40] Speaker C: Right. That's what I was saying. I don't feel like she drove it home as being honest about how she truly was. [00:04:45] Speaker B: Clearly, 17 years is a long time for something to actually bother me. [00:04:49] Speaker A: And I was gonna ask you how [00:04:50] Speaker B: much there's been no resolve at 17 years. [00:04:54] Speaker A: Well, how much unresolved resentment can a marriage carry before it kills the relationship? [00:05:04] Speaker C: Honestly, it. It depends on what it's about. [00:05:07] Speaker B: Absolutely. And the people. Because everybody. People are different. Like, I was just saying what she may be able to put up with for her long. I may not be able to and vice versa. So it just. I think it depends on you as the individual and what. And the person that you're Actually married to. [00:05:28] Speaker C: And I think too maybe the reason why 17 years. It has been one. Because for the whole duration of 17 years, he hasn't been there because of course, he got grown and he moved out. He hasn't been there consistently the whole 17 years in and out of the home. Sometimes she said he was living there, sometimes it was just, I'm assuming maybe like a weekend or over the summer type thing. So 17 years hasn't been a day for day 17 years. So I'm assuming they've had some good times where he wasn't around. So, you know, she's been able to endure sometimes. And then when it's not an immediate situation in their life because. Sound like the relationship itself wasn't bad. This was just an issue with that [00:06:12] Speaker A: kind of built up over time. [00:06:14] Speaker C: So you're not talking about marital problems that they're having. [00:06:17] Speaker A: But I think that speaks to the bigger issue here that I think is here that a lot of people deal with, which is what happens when you're dating somebody who struggles with your child. From both. From the first aspect. We'll talk, we'll tackle it. From the first aspect, it's my child. And my child is a challenging child. Like, I know my child is challenging to be able to have and my significant other cannot deal with. To the point where, remember she said in the letter. I think she said something like she would say, hey, he don't need to be over here or whatever. To the point where that's the case. How would you deal with. How would you deal with that? Angel? [00:07:02] Speaker B: I feel me. [00:07:05] Speaker A: Cause all of us are single parents who yeah. Were married, got divorced and are dealing and are out dating and you know, your kids eventually got to meet. [00:07:15] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:07:16] Speaker A: Other if other people at times. Because I haven't really introduced a lot of people to my kids, but. [00:07:21] Speaker B: Right. You know, same. Well, now that my. My kids are 23 and 21, like, I don't. They don't need to be different if they were kids now, but if they were kids, I don't think I would mind. If I got remarried at. When they were 8 and 10, I don't think I would mind my partner discipline them, you know, to a certain extent. Like, if you don't see me doing it, like, don't do it, like, don't do anything that I wouldn't do. [00:07:49] Speaker A: But I don't think I'm talking about the discipline part. I'm talking about the. Like you're seeing it's frustrating them and they're saying, hey, look, your Child can't come over here. [00:08:00] Speaker B: That would probably be a deal breaker for me cuz it's my kid. Okay. Like it's my child. Like what do you want me to. Like what you. Yeah, it's, it's my child. [00:08:12] Speaker C: It's a two sided thing for me. Yeah. If I don't share a child with this person, it would probably be a deal breaker. But like in her situation they share biological child. So it really can't be because I still got to deal with you because I got a child that belongs to you too. So we're gonna have to work through some things because this is my child sibling as well. So initially, yeah, I, I think maybe I probably my first thought would be like I can't deal with him if he can't deal with my child. But I'm, I'm gonna have to make some type of compromise when I have a child in the fight too, you know? So [00:08:53] Speaker B: I feel like that's always gonna cause and it's, it's always going to be a problem because I know that you can't deal with my child. So now I'm always like in the back of my head like what if one day he loses it and flips out on my child? Or what if now we're going to, what if my child did something else and then now we're going to bed arguing about this? Like we can't ever get it together because our main focus is always on the behavior of this child. Like that's all we ever talk about and it's consuming us. [00:09:31] Speaker C: I've had to deal with that a little bit. My, my youngest son has a learning disability, so he has ADHD and he's not artistic, but he is on the spectrum. He's not deemed to be artistic, but he's on the spectrum. So he does have behavior issues. He's starting to outgrow some of it now that he's 18. But when I was married and him being younger, he had a lot of issues that my husband wasn't readily to accept. He loved him, but he couldn't handle him. So my way of dealing with that was not to say that he couldn't discipline him, but I don't have a way to word it other than to say that he had to kind of consult me with the way he handled my son because I knew he couldn't handle him. So no other way to put it. If you can't handle him, then don't handle him. You know what I'm saying? But I think my Husband did do a decent job with trying, but I think maybe it did kind of play some part in some issues that me and my husband had, because one that's not his son. [00:10:43] Speaker B: Right. [00:10:44] Speaker C: And, you know, I think some of his tolerance for him was strained because he didn't know how to handle them. [00:10:52] Speaker B: Right. [00:10:53] Speaker C: So, I mean, when you don't have any biological children with someone, it's easy for them to be ready to, you know, cut their losses and go, because it's just them. [00:11:04] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:11:04] Speaker A: But I think I had an issue in the past relationship where the. It's similar to this, but my daughter wasn't bad. Like, she wasn't. I wouldn't say bad. I don't like calling kids bad, but she wasn't a challenging child, very well behaved. Everything angel and me and this woman, we had a kid together, and she said at one point that, no, like, she don't want her to come over for whatever reason she gave her reasons was. And it marked the beginning of the end for our relationship because I was talking to a friend of mine and he was like. He was like, can you see your daughter if you stay? And I was like, ah, it'll be difficult. He was like, well, can you see both daughters if you leave? And I was like, yeah, then I will leave. He was like, yeah, so then you need to get out. And it. It's difficult when you're in it to. To decipher between, yo, you know, I got a child over here. I want to make sure I'm here. My marriage. There is no issue in. Because she doesn't mention any other issue. [00:12:26] Speaker B: Right. Just the son. [00:12:28] Speaker A: Just this situation with his son. And so it. It makes it difficult for you to walk away because there is no other issue with me. There was other issues that we had outside of this thing. This thing just became the cherry on top after a while. So we end up in this place where it's like, okay, now this is where we are. So it just was really difficult. I did end up leaving it, and for her, I think that she has to decide. What she has to decide is you have 17 years invested, you have children or you have a child together, [00:13:07] Speaker B: and [00:13:08] Speaker A: you have to decide whether this. This time that you've spent with. With your husband is. You're willing to throw it away because in essence, that's what you're doing over, you know, him wanting to bring his son in the house. His son, I'm assuming, is struggling financially and some other stuff. So why not. Why not just do what you got to do? And help him come in the house. But can you be justified in how you feel and still be wrong about what you did with those feelings? Because I think it was wrong of her to tell him that his son couldn't come over. [00:13:50] Speaker B: Yeah, that's. [00:13:52] Speaker A: I think that's. That's wrong. Feel it. Feel how you want to feel. All right, I could give a crap. Feel how you want to feel. You could talk to me about how you feel. But at the end of the day, it's my child. [00:14:03] Speaker B: That's what I said. Like, I would feel like. What do you mean? My child can't. [00:14:07] Speaker C: I think she was. I understand how she felt, and I feel like it was justified in how she felt. But you're right. The way she put it, and it just. All right, say, no, your son can't come over here. That was wrong. Because I feel like you should never put somebody in a place to choose between you and their children. Yeah, but to say that he was, you know, misbehaving the way he was, I don't know, rather. Because see, that's, that's, that's the crazy thing. When a child lives outside of your home, you have no control on how they act in their other living environment. [00:14:38] Speaker A: You don't know what's going on at the other spot. [00:14:40] Speaker C: So when they come into your home and they're acting out, or, you know, they may have a different type of freedom at home, or they may have so many strict rules and regulations that when they come into your home and they're acting this way because they have a sense of freedom that they didn't have at home, you never know why they're at in this way. So until you understand the dynamics of the two, you don't know why they're misbehaving. It could be a jealousy because her son gets something that she doesn't or because his room looks better than. You never know. And until you have that open communication with that child and understand why they're at and where they act and you know, so that's why I say you should never say, oh, well, he can't come over here. And so you understand the reason why he's acting the way he acting. [00:15:21] Speaker B: Right. [00:15:21] Speaker C: But to voice her concerns as to, I don't like the way your son is acting when he comes over here or whatever it may be. I think it's healthy for her to voice how she feels to her husband and say this. Definitely not in front of that boy, but God know, to give him an ultimatum or say, your son can't come over here, or however that may have been worded was outright wrong. But I think it was right for her to go to her husband and say, hey, this is a conversation we need to have. This is how I feel when he's here. This is how my son may feel when he's here. Or what? You know what I'm saying? Because at the end of the day, if that's where she lives, that's where her son resides. Dayto day, it is important for her son to feel safe in that environment as well. And this boy is coming over. Granted, that's his son. This is where her son lives every day. He needs to know that my personal space is not being interrupted. Because a lot of times, for instance, you know, when I had a stepfamily, whenever his kids would come over, they shared a room with my son. So when your son comes over, he's interrupting my son's personal space. [00:16:25] Speaker B: Absolutely. [00:16:26] Speaker C: So I need to make sure that when your kids come over, they respect my son's personal space. Granted, this is their space, and they come over too, but this is his everyday space. They got another home to go to. My son doesn't. [00:16:38] Speaker B: Right. [00:16:38] Speaker C: You know what I'm saying? So I think that does need to be communicated. But there's a way to communicate it without making your children feel like they're not wanted here or that they can't come here. You know what I'm saying? So I. It's a way to put that without shutting them out or making them feel like they're not welcome. [00:16:54] Speaker A: Chanel, do you think she resents him or resents the situation? [00:16:57] Speaker C: Both. [00:16:59] Speaker A: You think she resent. You think she resents the. [00:17:01] Speaker C: After 17 years, I think she resent him, too. [00:17:03] Speaker B: I think she. [00:17:04] Speaker A: I mean, why did she resent the husband? [00:17:06] Speaker C: Because I feel like if there's an [00:17:07] Speaker A: issue, he stepped up. [00:17:09] Speaker C: I feel like after 17 years, whenever she tried to verbalize to him, this is how I feel, and the issue wasn't resolved, and she still felt that way after 17 years. She resents him as well, but he's dealt with it. [00:17:19] Speaker A: She said that if he needed. If there was a spanking that needed to be given, she told him, he went and dealt with it. He did what he was supposed to do. [00:17:26] Speaker C: But sometimes a spanking is given just to say I did something, but not necessarily resolve the issue, because just because I cut your butt don't mean the problem is over. I just did something. [00:17:37] Speaker A: Okay. Angel, can. Can resentment towards a stepchild eventually become resentment towards the spouse? [00:17:44] Speaker B: I Think so? [00:17:45] Speaker A: Well, I mean, that's kind of the same thing, but I don't know. Cause it depends if I'm doing everything I can to help you navigate this. And I, and in this letter, he shut down because he stopped communicating with her about the situation. [00:18:02] Speaker B: Right. [00:18:03] Speaker A: And so that's 100% the wrong thing to do. But if I, if, if I'm doing everything I can, then why are you resenting me if I'm doing everything I can and we're not. And I'm not saying we're blaming to blame the child, but almost it's not on me. [00:18:23] Speaker B: Right. I just think maybe the resentment may come because you are doing it, but sometimes in our head, like, you're doing all, like, why isn't it working? Like, have you done enough? Like you said, you've done everything, but it's not working, so something must have went lacking or you're not doing something. I'm not saying that that is a total right way of thinking, but I feel like that could be part of her. She could resent him because nothing is working. Nothing that he's doing is working. [00:18:57] Speaker A: Okay, well, he hasn't asked for, he hasn't asked for a divorce. He hasn't acted to leave. He's actually. Still makes her coffee every morning. Can he be, can he still love her and be emotionally shut down? [00:19:13] Speaker C: I think he still loves her because he's being intentional about showing some type of effort by still making a coffee, keeping in the routine of things. Like, you say he hasn't filed for a divorce. I think he's just trying to avoid the confrontation. [00:19:32] Speaker A: You think he can't have a difficult conversation? [00:19:34] Speaker C: The confrontation, like he doesn't want to. [00:19:36] Speaker A: Like he, he can't have a difficult conversation. [00:19:38] Speaker C: So maybe, maybe. Or because he, maybe he doesn't even know how to resolve the issue. And because he doesn't know how and he can't find where to resolve it, he's just like, he's stagnant. He's just moving, going through the motions, you know, you know, [00:19:57] Speaker A: is connect. Do you think that she should personally. Here's what I think. And we'll start getting into actually answering the question. Yes, I think she should connect with the son if he's an adult. I think that she needs to probably meet with him and, and do some things to connect with him so that. Because I think the resentment will begin to, Will continue to grow. The gap between her and her husband is going to continue to grow as long as she keeps him out of the house. Is Going to continue to grow. So I think the. The major thing that needs to happen here is I think that she does need to step out and. And get a. And get a grip on the situation, get a handle on her relationship with. With the son. He is going to be difficult. It's not going to be easy because you've known this boy all his life. You've kept them away from, you know, to a certain degree. You have never treated him very welcomely well. You haven't been very welcoming to him. So, yeah, I think that he should. I think she should reach out and, you know, get a relationship with him. What about y'? All? [00:21:11] Speaker B: I agree with that. It's got to be some kind of resolve. If they plan on staying married, his son is going to have to be around. So I think that's most definitely a conversation that she needs to. That they need to have. [00:21:26] Speaker A: Okay. [00:21:26] Speaker B: And they also. They need to go to therapy. [00:21:31] Speaker C: I think their first step, remove the. His and my. And that's your son, too. [00:21:38] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:21:38] Speaker C: Accept him for who he is. 17 years, this has been your son. And form a relationship with him as being your son. [00:21:47] Speaker A: And that's. That's the thing. [00:21:48] Speaker C: I think she's missing the one you birthed. Treat him as if he came from you and develop a relationship with him as your son and treat him as such. [00:21:58] Speaker A: Yeah, that's. That's. That's. Yeah, that's. That's what I would say to do. So definitely reach out and do what you can. So let's get on to the second letter here. It's very short. Is it okay for a week to go by without seeing someone you're dating? When I mentioned it, his response was, you'll be okay. You're not dying. Then he went on. Then he went on to say. Then he went on to say he needed chill time to himself. But we live five minutes apart. [00:22:29] Speaker B: Oh, See, he did just. [00:22:30] Speaker A: He did just overcome a situation that could have cost him his job, in which I think he'd be celebrating instead of creating distance. I don't know. What are your thoughts? [00:22:42] Speaker C: Hit the road. [00:22:43] Speaker B: That was so much going on in that. In that little short letter. Okay, so. So they are dating. [00:22:52] Speaker A: Yes. [00:22:53] Speaker B: And they haven't seen each other in a week. [00:22:56] Speaker A: In a week, yes. [00:22:57] Speaker C: Whole seven days. [00:22:58] Speaker A: Seven whole days, not a word from you. [00:23:02] Speaker C: Come on. Now we got him saying, come on, Tony. And don't be just us. [00:23:07] Speaker B: Come on, Tony. And they live five minutes away from [00:23:11] Speaker C: each other, which means you have to [00:23:14] Speaker B: pass by each other somebody, or you can Cut the corner like you. Right there. [00:23:17] Speaker C: Like it. You can walk there, right? [00:23:20] Speaker A: Sometimes I just need a break. [00:23:22] Speaker C: You said you can have not seven whole days. Why not? [00:23:26] Speaker A: I'm talking to you. [00:23:26] Speaker B: We. [00:23:27] Speaker A: We conversating. It said he just got over something. He just got over something that could have gotten him fired. [00:23:32] Speaker C: Okay. [00:23:33] Speaker A: He could have lost his job. [00:23:34] Speaker B: Well, he said okay. So you said he just got over it, correct? [00:23:37] Speaker A: Yes. [00:23:37] Speaker C: So if you over it's already over it. [00:23:39] Speaker B: So then what? What's the problem? [00:23:40] Speaker C: If you're over it, you gonna need seven whole days. [00:23:44] Speaker B: But you just said. She said he is over it. [00:23:46] Speaker A: No, I said he just got over. Like that means. And just over it means like he's on the other side of. He thought he was gonna lose his job. Whatever happened, it got resolved. [00:23:58] Speaker C: So it's over now. [00:24:01] Speaker A: It's over. [00:24:02] Speaker B: Oh, I feel like I can make it. It's over now. [00:24:05] Speaker C: I don't feel like. [00:24:06] Speaker A: Okay, okay, wait, hold on. [00:24:07] Speaker C: Let's ask the question. [00:24:09] Speaker A: You said seven days, right? You said seven days. [00:24:10] Speaker C: Seven days. [00:24:11] Speaker A: Okay. In a week, if you're just dating, how many times? [00:24:17] Speaker C: So we're not in a relationship. [00:24:18] Speaker A: We're not in a relationship. [00:24:19] Speaker B: We're just casually dating? [00:24:21] Speaker A: Yes. [00:24:21] Speaker B: Is that it? They're not. They're not dating exclusively. [00:24:24] Speaker A: What did she say? [00:24:25] Speaker C: Just know I'm dating somebody else in that seven days? [00:24:27] Speaker B: She said, yeah, I had three other dates. Boogie. [00:24:32] Speaker A: Is it okay to go week without saying, look, these are exact words. Is it okay to. For. To go for a week without seeing someone you're dating? So she said dating, but see, that's what I'm saying. [00:24:44] Speaker C: Your definition of date. And most women, when we say we're dating somebody, we're in a relationship, okay? [00:24:49] Speaker A: So let's take it as we're dating with intention. This is the only person you're dating. You're not in a relationship, but this is the only person you're dating. How many days? That's the question. [00:24:58] Speaker C: Going seven days. [00:24:59] Speaker A: How often should you see each other? [00:25:01] Speaker C: If you're a truck driver or something, maybe come home every seven days. [00:25:04] Speaker B: Maybe twice a week. [00:25:06] Speaker A: Twice a week. [00:25:07] Speaker B: That's good enough, right? [00:25:09] Speaker C: I better be six. [00:25:10] Speaker B: I didn't see you Sunday and Monday too. But I saw you Sunday, but not Monday and Tuesday. [00:25:14] Speaker C: I say at least five days. [00:25:16] Speaker B: Wednesday, but you can go five days, [00:25:18] Speaker C: but I better be talking to you within them five days. [00:25:20] Speaker B: So it's like seeing like I. It's. You say in seven days, two days is enough. [00:25:26] Speaker A: Two. Yeah, I'm good with two. I Would like. I would like. I would like. One reason I say two is at work. [00:25:34] Speaker C: I'm going say yes. We live that close to each other. [00:25:37] Speaker B: Yeah, cuz it's like you live like [00:25:39] Speaker C: an hour away or something. Like I understand being four or five days to ourselves. [00:25:45] Speaker B: Five minutes. [00:25:46] Speaker A: If, if I live an hour away, [00:25:49] Speaker B: one week is feasible. And sometime every other week. [00:25:51] Speaker A: Yeah, every other week. [00:25:53] Speaker C: Yeah, that's what I'm saying. It depends on how far away you live. [00:25:55] Speaker B: But the five it was the five minutes. [00:25:57] Speaker A: I only take 93 gas. Like I can't. You talking about more than, more than once a week. [00:26:04] Speaker C: Cuz if, if you live hour away, I still better see you every week. [00:26:09] Speaker A: Every week. [00:26:09] Speaker B: But the five, man, that's like name [00:26:15] Speaker C: of 30 minutes we can be halfway. [00:26:20] Speaker B: Well two days is good cause it was the five minutes for me. [00:26:24] Speaker C: That's what I'm saying. They that close and I gotta let out. [00:26:27] Speaker A: But I might need this time. Just cause you like right now I might need this time. What do you mean? I need some time. [00:26:35] Speaker C: This might strong. You can hear everything I be saying. I be mumbling. [00:26:39] Speaker B: You saying complexion, aren't you? [00:26:41] Speaker A: That's what, that's what. [00:26:42] Speaker C: I'm light skinned men. [00:26:46] Speaker A: That's what I said. We all the same complexion. [00:26:51] Speaker B: Two shades darker than y' all in your mind. [00:26:53] Speaker A: In your mind. [00:26:54] Speaker C: No, we all like bright. [00:26:56] Speaker A: What's they say? I'm a pimp in my own mind. That's you. [00:27:00] Speaker C: And she even lighter with her blonde hair. She even brighter. [00:27:03] Speaker B: Don't do that. [00:27:03] Speaker C: She even brighter than that. [00:27:05] Speaker A: Okay, now let's say you've expressed your problem. [00:27:08] Speaker B: Okay? [00:27:08] Speaker A: Right. You expressed your issue. You said, hey, we see each other and his response is, you're not dying, [00:27:18] Speaker C: you gonna die today. [00:27:19] Speaker A: What you mean he gonna die? [00:27:21] Speaker B: How you know? [00:27:21] Speaker C: How dare you come at me tomorrow. I ain't dying. [00:27:23] Speaker B: You want to know my response for that? [00:27:24] Speaker A: Oh God. What's your response? [00:27:25] Speaker C: I'm angled. [00:27:26] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah, that's it. [00:27:27] Speaker C: We on the phone. Gotta be. Cause he ain't see me in seven days. [00:27:30] Speaker A: Or it could be text message. [00:27:32] Speaker B: If you ain't seen me talking to me, my response is okay, but the next time you reach out to me [00:27:40] Speaker C: when he called me, I'm gonna say I'm called me. [00:27:41] Speaker B: I'm like, oh, I'm sorry, I didn't answer cause I was dying. [00:27:44] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:27:46] Speaker A: Oh, hush now. You just being extra. [00:27:49] Speaker C: Well he ain't be honest. [00:27:50] Speaker A: Let's just be extra. [00:27:50] Speaker B: Well he didn't have to say that he was being extra first. [00:27:54] Speaker A: He Wasn't being extra. Maybe it might be a bit of sarcasm, but extra? [00:27:59] Speaker C: That was extra sarcasm. [00:28:00] Speaker B: Extra. [00:28:01] Speaker A: I've already explained to you why I need some time to myself. [00:28:04] Speaker B: Well, that was a smart ass remark like you I know I ain't dying. Like you ain't had. [00:28:09] Speaker C: I'm explaining to you why I need some cuddle time and I, I need your presence. [00:28:13] Speaker B: He could have left that part out. You get left that part out. Oh, but you ain't dying. Guess what? [00:28:19] Speaker A: You get it next week. [00:28:22] Speaker B: No. [00:28:22] Speaker C: Oh, what you mean? [00:28:24] Speaker B: I'm good now. [00:28:27] Speaker A: And mind you how, I'm already good. [00:28:29] Speaker B: Listen, I be like, okay. And the next time you be like, no, I'm good. [00:28:35] Speaker C: You ain't gonna win this movie. [00:28:37] Speaker B: I'm good. [00:28:37] Speaker A: What do you mean? [00:28:39] Speaker B: First of all, you know I'm the wrong person to act this angel. You was like, angel? Yeah, I'm good. Okay. [00:28:45] Speaker A: No, because I think that if you, If I just went through something and I need some space. I need a little bit of room to decompress. She. In the letter, she says, well, wouldn't he want to celebrate? Well, sometimes celebration is alone. Sometimes. Sometimes me celebrating is alone. [00:29:02] Speaker B: You can do that. I love that for you. Take all the time you need. [00:29:06] Speaker A: See? Are you just being petty? [00:29:09] Speaker C: You was being sarcastic when you said I ain't dying. [00:29:13] Speaker A: Okay, so what's good for the goose [00:29:15] Speaker B: should be good for the ganza. Dude. [00:29:16] Speaker C: What do you mean? [00:29:17] Speaker A: I got. I'm just saying, like, I don't, I don't get the, the animosity towards we just going seven days. [00:29:26] Speaker B: That's not animosity at all. [00:29:29] Speaker C: Unless you agreeing with your behavior. We matching energy. [00:29:31] Speaker B: Yeah, see? [00:29:33] Speaker C: Not. [00:29:33] Speaker A: See? [00:29:33] Speaker C: Not. [00:29:33] Speaker A: No, you're being petty. [00:29:34] Speaker B: I said, okay. [00:29:35] Speaker A: You're being petty. [00:29:36] Speaker B: Cause I said that's being petty. [00:29:37] Speaker A: Cause your feelings hurt. [00:29:38] Speaker B: Cause I said, okay. [00:29:39] Speaker A: Cause your feelings hurt. [00:29:41] Speaker B: Sometimes I just. Petty is just fun though. [00:29:43] Speaker A: Because your feelings are hurt. [00:29:44] Speaker B: No, you can just do petty stuff. Cause it's fun. [00:29:46] Speaker A: Yeah. Okay. Okay. [00:29:49] Speaker B: Trust me. [00:29:50] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:29:51] Speaker B: Huh. [00:29:51] Speaker A: People do a lot of shit, I promise you. [00:29:52] Speaker B: All my friends ask me, you petty. I know. [00:29:57] Speaker A: So we had two letters, similar discord. Why won't my husband connect with me? And why won't the man I'm dating make time for me? [00:30:05] Speaker B: A man makes time for what he wants to. [00:30:09] Speaker A: That's everybody. Everybody makes time for. Exactly. Don't get me started. [00:30:14] Speaker B: Look, you. We were asking about men, so I'm answering that question. [00:30:18] Speaker A: The question wasn't about men. I did not say men in the question. [00:30:22] Speaker C: You said man. [00:30:23] Speaker B: And you said my husband. [00:30:25] Speaker A: Yeah, okay, I'm sorry. My. You got that. [00:30:28] Speaker B: Okay. [00:30:29] Speaker A: But I'm saying. No, but you can't make the statement that men. Men make time for asking question. [00:30:34] Speaker C: Say man and boyfriend. [00:30:36] Speaker A: You're right. I said. You're right. I did say. I said men in this question. But the statement you made in your retort was men. As if to say women don't. When y' all know that y' all do. Y' all make time for exactly what you want to make time for. [00:30:54] Speaker C: People do that. [00:30:55] Speaker A: Yeah, exactly. I agree. [00:30:57] Speaker B: I agree. [00:30:58] Speaker A: People do that, not just men. So don't put that as a man thing when women do it, too. [00:31:03] Speaker C: It's a Yoshi thing. [00:31:04] Speaker A: It ain't. No. It ain't me. It's a good place to put some. Either or. Cuz I was going to get started with that. People make time for. [00:31:14] Speaker C: We ready today? [00:31:15] Speaker A: Y' all ready today? [00:31:16] Speaker B: Okay, I'm on it. [00:31:17] Speaker A: Okay. Either or. Best segment in the world. All right, number one, your partner needs a week alone. Either. Hold on. Either respect the space or assume something's wrong. [00:31:33] Speaker C: Assume something's wrong. [00:31:34] Speaker B: Respect the space. [00:31:35] Speaker A: Respect the space. [00:31:36] Speaker C: No, something wrong with you, boy. [00:31:38] Speaker A: Respect the space. Your spouse refuses to communicate during conflict. Give them time or demand a conversation. [00:31:45] Speaker C: Give them time. [00:31:46] Speaker B: Give them time. [00:31:47] Speaker A: Give them. I agree. Give them time. Your partner makes your coffee every morning but won't talk to you. That's love. Or that's breakfast with benefits. [00:31:54] Speaker B: That's. I ain't drinking it. I'm sorry. [00:31:58] Speaker A: Why you not drinking it? I'm sorry. [00:32:00] Speaker C: You say that's. That's what now? Yeah. That's love. [00:32:03] Speaker B: Is that love or you making me coffee but ain't talking to me? [00:32:06] Speaker C: Nah. [00:32:07] Speaker B: I got questions. [00:32:08] Speaker C: Why that's love? You just. You just ain't ready to talk. [00:32:11] Speaker B: Yeah, I don't know. That's love. Sorry. I be. I watch a lot of. Never mind. [00:32:18] Speaker A: Your spouse wants their struggling adult child to move back home. Family comes first or marriage comes first? [00:32:25] Speaker C: Marriage comes first. [00:32:26] Speaker B: Marriage comes first. [00:32:27] Speaker A: Marriage comes first. Okay. Partner says you're not dying. Is this an honest reality check or an emotional red flag? [00:32:35] Speaker B: An emotional red flag, cuz. Don't say no stupid. [00:32:38] Speaker C: Don't say that. Almost pissed me off. Don't I say it for. Don't say no stupid shit like that. She be scared to cuss. I'm a sad dog on it. [00:32:50] Speaker B: I'm a curse it, but I'm trying to do better. Yeah. [00:32:52] Speaker C: Don't say I ain't ready to change. [00:32:53] Speaker B: Right. Don't you right. Don't say that shit to me. Cause I promise you my response is going to make you tuck your tail. [00:33:02] Speaker C: I promise you Clutch your pearls. [00:33:04] Speaker B: Yeah. Don't do it. Don't do it. Okay. Nigga ain't lying. [00:33:10] Speaker C: I ain't lying. [00:33:11] Speaker B: Watch this. [00:33:12] Speaker A: Okay. You believe reconnecting with your stepchild could save your marriage? Either give the relationship another chance or don't make the child responsible for the marriage. [00:33:28] Speaker C: Are you asking, should we? [00:33:29] Speaker A: Yeah, that's what she. Do you believe reconnecting with your stepchild could save your marriage? Do you, A, give the relationship another chance or B, don't make the child responsible for your marriage. [00:33:41] Speaker C: Give the child another chance. [00:33:43] Speaker B: Give the. Yeah. [00:33:44] Speaker A: Okay. Yeah. Last one. You're constantly questioning whether you're the problem. Do you A, self reflect or B, you've been gaslit? [00:33:55] Speaker C: Self reflect. [00:33:56] Speaker B: I'm never the problem. [00:33:58] Speaker A: Oh, shut the hell up. All right. [00:34:08] Speaker C: You ain't see the neck roll. I'm never the problem. [00:34:13] Speaker B: On that note, why you rolling out of me? [00:34:16] Speaker A: My final thought. Oh, my God. Love isn't just about whether someone is still there. Someone can make your coffee every morning and still be emotionally absent. Someone can ask for space and still love you. Someone can need their child and still need their marriage. And you can have anxiety, resentment, fear, or insecurity without automatically being the villain. The question isn't who's the victim? The better question is, what is each person responsible for? Because relationships don't get better when everybody is busy building a case against each other. They get better when somebody finally asks, okay, enough with proving who's right. What are we going to do about what's wrong? And that's where the real work starts. Chanel, tell the people how they can find you. [00:35:00] Speaker C: You can find me on Instagram at Nellipoo Underscore Speaks. And you can find me on Instagram, Facebook, Spotify and YouTube at King Me Podcast. [00:35:11] Speaker B: You can find me on Facebook at Chrissy Solomon. I might start this Facebook date net. That's a thing. And also on instagram at a chrissy 22. [00:35:23] Speaker A: Facebook dating app be matching you with people you ain't even heart. [00:35:27] Speaker B: Really? [00:35:27] Speaker C: Yeah, it does. I was on there. I was on there. I actually match with some cool people that I'm. I'm still cool with today. [00:35:34] Speaker B: I've never. I've never been on a dating app before. [00:35:37] Speaker C: I have dating apps. Listen. People talk trash about dating apps. [00:35:41] Speaker B: Is it fun? I just never did it. Is it fun? [00:35:43] Speaker C: It was fun for me. It was fun for me. [00:35:46] Speaker B: Gosh. [00:35:46] Speaker C: Because I actually met some cool people. I met some frogs. I ain't kissing none of them because they ain't turning the princes. Prince. Prince. Whatever. But anyway, it ain't. It ain't all bad, but it's true that you probably ain't gonna find your match, but you might find some cool friends. You know what I'm saying? [00:36:06] Speaker B: I don't think I need no more friends. [00:36:08] Speaker C: But, you know, I think it's rigged. You ain't really gonna find. You know what I'm saying? Your one. [00:36:16] Speaker A: And you can find my Instagram @the9th wonder. You can find the show on all podcast platforms at Relate R e L S T A t podcast. If you want to write, if you want to send in a letter, email us dilemmas at R e l at relationship status podcast.com if you want to be a guest, hit up the crew atrelationshipstatuspodcast.com don't forget to join our Patreon. With the crew, it's 199 per month. You can join Patreon and it is patreon.com forward/relationship status. Until next time, y'. [00:36:45] Speaker C: All. [00:36:45] Speaker A: It's your boy. You're the building for Angela Chanel. We're out. Peace.