262nd Date: 14 Years Married—And She Never Stepped Out ✅

[00:00:00] Speaker A: Foreign. Welcome back to Relationship Status. It's your boy Yousef in the building. And remember, you catch us on all podcast platforms. You can also catch us on YouTube at just search Relationship Status podcast. And remember, also you can catch us on Dirty Basement Radio every Monday and Tuesday at 12 noon live. So don't forget to catch us on there. And don't forget to join the Patreon relationship. I'm sorry, patreon.com relationship status. And as you can see from the screen that we have a wonderful guest host. V is getting ready for her brunch in pink down in Atlanta. So that's why she's not on today. It is. I think it'll be Sunday from 11 to 3. She said you bring the boobs, she'll bring the food. So brunch in pink at Eat My Biscuits down in East Point, Atlanta. All right, go ahead. Food's great. Make sure you go ahead. And as always, this episode is brought to you by Eat My Biscuits. So we have a wonderful guest with us today from the Becoming her podcast, the one, the only, Ashley Martin. How you doing, Ashley? [00:01:21] Speaker B: I am doing wonderful. [00:01:23] Speaker A: Are you becoming? [00:01:24] Speaker B: I am constantly becoming. Okay. Constantly evolving. Constantly becoming. And that is what life is like for me. [00:01:33] Speaker A: That's amazing. So a little bit personal real quick. [00:01:38] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:01:39] Speaker A: What's. Wait, no, before we get to that, what was. What has been the. Have you gotten any responses about your podcast so far? [00:01:48] Speaker B: I have gotten so many responses from my podcast. I literally have pinned some of the comments on my Becoming her with Ashley Martin Facebook page. If you guys have not gone and followed me there, please do. [00:02:04] Speaker A: Of course. [00:02:05] Speaker B: But I have one comment, and I don't remember what it said verbatimly, but what it did say was that the, when she listened to the podcast, that she was dealing with some issues with anxiety. And I said something to the way that I open up sometimes when I'm doing the solo episodes. Take. Let's take a deep breath. Let's remember the breath. And she said that. That instantly when she listened to me. That calmed her down. I was talking to someone yesterday and she said that she was dealing with a situation at work. It had her upset, had her so upset to the point where she was crying. She said when she got to her car, the first thing she said to herself was, let me listen to Ashley. And that instantly calm her down. This is a real story. I'm not fabricating it. And so. And then I have several stories. There are some comments under the. The Spotify and all of that. And so of Course it makes me feel like, okay, girl, so you're doing the work. [00:03:08] Speaker A: So you're a star. [00:03:09] Speaker B: You're doing the work. [00:03:10] Speaker A: Basically what you say is you're a star. [00:03:11] Speaker B: Emerging. Emerging. Emerging. Yes. Yes, I'm a star. But they just, you know, it's a distance star. They. They don't see. I'm. I'm coming in. [00:03:20] Speaker A: You coming in? [00:03:20] Speaker B: I'm coming in. [00:03:21] Speaker A: Okay. [00:03:21] Speaker B: Coming in. Like, you're almost coming in like a comet, though. It's just gonna. [00:03:24] Speaker A: And hit you hard. [00:03:25] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it feels amazing though, too know that this work or, you know, what I'm doing is coming from a pure place. And I know what I am intending to do. And so. And what my intentions are is simple. It's. I want to inspire, empower, and all of that. And so for me, knowing that the responses are in alignment with what my intentions are. Yeah, that's like. [00:03:50] Speaker A: That's all. That's all you need. [00:03:51] Speaker B: That's what I. Yeah, that's all I need. [00:03:52] Speaker A: Okay, that makes sense. So a question we ask all of our guests. [00:03:57] Speaker B: Give it to me. [00:03:58] Speaker A: It's the number one question we gotta ask all our guests. [00:04:00] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:04:00] Speaker A: What's your relationship status? [00:04:02] Speaker B: My relationship is. Yes, it is. [00:04:04] Speaker A: It's easy for you. [00:04:05] Speaker B: Happily married. [00:04:07] Speaker A: Happily married. [00:04:08] Speaker B: Happily married. [00:04:09] Speaker A: How many years? [00:04:10] Speaker B: We have been happily married for 10 years. No, I'm sorry. 11 years. [00:04:17] Speaker A: Yeah, I was about to say. [00:04:18] Speaker B: Don't let him know that. [00:04:19] Speaker A: Don't get it wrong. [00:04:20] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Eleven years happily married. And we've been together for 16. Sixteen years, man. Happily married. Yeah. [00:04:27] Speaker A: Take. Is it a. Take it each day at a time or is it a. You know, we're looking towards the future. Like, what is it? What. What do you think? [00:04:36] Speaker B: For. For me. So marriage is not. Yeah, yeah. So for marriage, it looks different for everybody, of course, because just like kids and their learning styles in school, I will compare it to that. That marriage is different. You have different personalities. Personalities. When people come together sometime you have someone who's coming in with a whole, like a comment, like I said earlier, a whole bunch of trauma that would just, you know, explosive, you know, things. And so, you know, people have to navigate those issues. But for me, personally, marriage to me and what it. What it has been is something that I look forward to the future. Like, I look forward to continuing to build with my. My husband and. And also just resting in knowing that every relationship slash, marriage, it has its ups and downs. And so knowing that it's not what you go through, it's just how you come out of it. [00:05:29] Speaker A: Okay. All right. Well, that's. That's a. That's a good look at it. Because I think what marriage today. [00:05:35] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:05:36] Speaker A: Is different than what we saw. I wouldn't. What we saw because I didn't really see. You know, I've said it on the show many times. I didn't really see a positive. A. Example of marriage because my grandmother wasn't married. My grandmother, I never even saw her date anybody, like, for as long as I could remember. [00:05:56] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:05:56] Speaker A: There I. Nobody. Like, I don't remember her ever. [00:06:00] Speaker B: Grandma was like a nun. [00:06:01] Speaker A: Yeah. I was like, how could she last this long? [00:06:05] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:06:05] Speaker A: Like, as an adult. And I go back and look on it. [00:06:09] Speaker B: You know what? She. [00:06:10] Speaker A: She probably was dibbling and dabbling. [00:06:11] Speaker B: That's just like nowadays, you know, we let everything out. Grandma. [00:06:15] Speaker A: Yeah. Grandma knew how to tuck it. My dad and my mom, I don't ever remember them being together, but they were married at some point. My. My grandmother on my mom's side, she was married for a long time to her husband. They actually were married till she died. She passed last year. But, you know, I don't know if it was because they were happily married or because their religion wouldn't allow them to be divorced because they were Jehovah's Witness. So I don't. I think that Jehovah Witnesses. No. You know, I. And I think I could speak a little bit to it from being married to one. [00:06:48] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:06:50] Speaker A: That they're a little bit really more staunch on the family dynamic. So if there's kids, there's a husband and wife. [00:06:57] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:06:57] Speaker A: You know, and. And there's no reason for you to divorce in that culture. Like, there's no reason. There's nothing too big that they cannot overcome. There's nothing too small. You know, the communication part of it. They try to get out in front of everything. And then, of course, you know, I. Being that I wasn't in the faith, it was for me. [00:07:19] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:07:20] Speaker A: Easy for me to be like, hey, look, I'm not happy, so I'm gonna be out. [00:07:23] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:07:24] Speaker A: But you can say that from. You see, from examples. Like, let's say we want to take tv, for instance, that Cliff and Claire. Cliff and Claire Huxtable, you would say. You would say they were the. Probably the epitome of a relationship. [00:07:38] Speaker B: Yes. [00:07:38] Speaker A: Or even. Even Martin and Gina. [00:07:40] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:07:41] Speaker A: You know, a totally different demo type Rock and his wife. [00:07:45] Speaker B: Yes. [00:07:46] Speaker A: What do you think is different from those? Because that's what we saw growing up as examples of. Of Marriage. Because I'm not sure about your upbringing, but I'm not sure. Well, from listening to your show, I do know that you didn't really see mom and dad married, so to speak. [00:08:02] Speaker B: Right. [00:08:02] Speaker A: So why do you think it's been such a shit? Like how have, like why has this shift happened from then to now? [00:08:11] Speaker B: Yeah, that's a great question, Yousef. And I love the examp you gave with the TV shows that we grew up on that we love. And that was the epitome of not only, you know, like what a marriage should look like, but for us being under representative people as black people, just that black love. [00:08:30] Speaker A: Right. [00:08:31] Speaker B: And what you know. But I, again, they viewers don't know that I didn't see that growing up primarily with my mom and dad. I never even met my biological father. And so being happily married for all the years that I've been married, that is like one challenge that I bought into the relationship with having those deep rooted abandonment issues and why wasn't I good enough for my dad and all of that. But fortunately I saw it with my grandparents who I had the privilege of living with because of my mom issues and just living with my grandma. So I live with my grandparents. So I got to, to see that, that marriage and that union growing up. And that was probably one of the things that helped me in my own marriage because my grandfather was such a provider. It wasn't nothing I remember growing up, it wasn't nothing that I didn't think my grandfather could do. Like anything got broken around the house. My grand grandfather fixed it, grandpa fixed it. Yeah. I remember even things like my grandfather farming, you know, having the animals and literally killing the pig. Unaliving the pig. Yeah. Gotta be politically correct these days. And feeding his, you know, feeding his family. So to answer your question, I think what has changed? It really hasn't changed. It's just the heart, the heartbeat is the same with commitment, you know, forgiveness and all of that. I just think that the landscape has changed a little bit. [00:10:03] Speaker A: I'm gonna. I'm disagree with you. [00:10:05] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:10:06] Speaker A: And I'm disagree with you because this is what I'm tell you why I think it's changed. I think the motivation behind being married changed because I think right now people are not marrying for love as much as they were before. They're marrying for partnership and stability. [00:10:18] Speaker B: And stability. [00:10:19] Speaker A: I don't want to be alone. [00:10:20] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:10:20] Speaker A: And I want the security of being with somebody. I want the two family, the two income household. [00:10:25] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:10:25] Speaker A: I need the help. It's more I've heard more women on other podcasts, in conversations that I've had, I've heard more women say, yeah, marriage is a business decision. I need to be married to someone who has this, this, this, this and this. Because they have to be able to not only hold me down, because, you know, this is coming from independent women as well, because I think that's played a part too. [00:10:47] Speaker B: That's definitely have played a part, women. [00:10:49] Speaker A: Having, being more career based. But then again, when you look at it, because Claire had her. She was a lawyer. [00:10:55] Speaker B: Absolutely. [00:10:56] Speaker A: Gina was the head of an ad agency, if I'm not mistaken. [00:10:59] Speaker B: Yeah, well, no, no, she was a. [00:11:00] Speaker A: Partner in an ad agency. [00:11:01] Speaker B: Well, I think she might have been ahead. [00:11:03] Speaker A: Yeah. I don't know if she started it, but I think she's like a partner or something. [00:11:07] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:11:07] Speaker A: In an ad agency. And now, mind you, unpopular opinion. [00:11:11] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:11:11] Speaker A: I didn't like the show, Martin. [00:11:14] Speaker B: What? [00:11:17] Speaker A: I didn't, I didn't. So if I get something wrong, don't. [00:11:22] Speaker B: Don'T let me hold your black. [00:11:24] Speaker A: Don't get in my comments. No, I can't. [00:11:25] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:11:25] Speaker A: Just because I, I disagree. I just, I just, I don't know something about it, I just couldn't get with it. [00:11:30] Speaker B: But classic. [00:11:31] Speaker A: But I, I watch it. Yeah, I have watched it and I do still watch it from D time. But I'm just saying. So they had careers, but I think even in that sense they weren't as like now. I think most women wear independence as a badge of honor. [00:11:48] Speaker B: I, I agree. [00:11:50] Speaker A: Rather than, hey, you know, you don't have to do this. Right. [00:11:54] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah, I, I, I can agree with you with that. So let's go back to the original. [00:11:59] Speaker A: Question was do you think people are still married for love or is it more for stability and business basically and partnership? [00:12:05] Speaker B: Yeah, again, really good question because I think the thing about it is when something's like propaganda, right? If something is constantly being said and you see it on this platform, you see it on this platform, you're having conversations with some people. It is the frequency behind, okay, you hear it there, then it's like wherever you. And I don't want to steer too left. [00:12:26] Speaker A: No, no, you're right. [00:12:27] Speaker B: But it's like wherever you give, your attention grows. So you hear, you hear it here, then it just, it hits something. Then you're like, interesting point. Or yet you've had experience to kind of correlate with whatever it is. Right. And then you hear it here. So for you, it has been those experiences time and time again. [00:12:44] Speaker A: And. [00:12:44] Speaker B: And I can, you know, have a conversation. Like, I can see why you, you know, you feel that way, and I've heard those things. But for me, personally, I don't believe that marriage is something that has changed to. Or. I don't even want to say evolve. Yeah. Will evolve to just being, you know, people, whether it be the woman or the man coming into the partnership saying, I want this love. Maybe I'll grow to love you. You know, But I want this because of the stability. I want this because of how you look. I want the beautiful wife or I want the husband who, you know, has the money, but I don't really love you. That. That is the experience for a lot of people. Fortunately, it has not. It wasn't my experience. Yeah. [00:13:35] Speaker A: And I think that. I think that if you. That if a marriage is based on love, if that's the foundation, I think you can kind of work through everything else. [00:13:43] Speaker B: Absolutely. [00:13:44] Speaker A: But if it's. If it's built on finances, what happens when the finances are no longer there? [00:13:48] Speaker B: There you go. [00:13:49] Speaker A: If it's built on looks, what happens when the looks fade? [00:13:52] Speaker B: They're simple. Like, simple. [00:13:54] Speaker A: So what are you choosing to be sustainable. Sustainable for you in that sense of, yo, this is what I'm going to be. [00:14:01] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:14:02] Speaker A: Attached to. That's right. Do you think that society has made marriage feel optional or even outdated? Because I've even spoken to a demographic of people. I did a show, the Toxicity Podcast with Titus did that, I think this past week. I engineered his show, and it was at Oasis. Good restaurant. Go there and grab you something to. [00:14:26] Speaker B: Eat here in Florence, South Carolina. [00:14:28] Speaker A: Palmetto Street. [00:14:28] Speaker B: Y' all hear that? Oasis, Florence. [00:14:30] Speaker A: Yeah. And he had a full. It wasn't a full packed house, but it was a lot of people in the audience because, you know, they having fun, eating. [00:14:39] Speaker B: That sounds dope. [00:14:39] Speaker A: The conversation was. Oh, no, it was. It was good conversation and a good bit of the women who got up and spoke, because they were talking about 50, 50. And a good women. A good amount of people that spoke like women were talking about, well, I know I'm not getting married. [00:14:55] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:14:55] Speaker A: Because it's just not for me. [00:14:56] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:14:57] Speaker A: But I'm gonna be, you know. Or I'm not gonna get married in the sense of a ceremony, but it's gonna be spiritually, I'm gonna get married or whatever. Like, what has happened to us as a society that you believe, do you think? [00:15:10] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:15:11] Speaker A: That has made it almost seem outdated to be married. [00:15:14] Speaker B: Yeah. Yeah. Again, coming up with some great questions. And so While, I can't speak to why, you know, while. And you ask me what do I think? But of course, this is not like me speaking for everybody, obviously, but I feel like we are in a different era. We're in an era where people are navigating. Social media being the biggest culprit of. Of it all. Social media can have its, you know, pros and its cons. And then you're navigating, or we're navigating women being like in this new age versus back then, I think we're navigating women being more career driven, more career, you know, more financially independent. And you have again, the propaganda or the just people saying, like, I don't need a man. I don't, you know, and to each his own, you know, perhaps, you know, like, grandma, maybe you don't want, you know, because of whatever. And so to each his own. But I do feel like the. The tone of it can be a little discouraging to people who want not so much of a traditional, you know, marriage, but to have find that person, to find the one and create a life together. So I think that it is just the different variables, like social media, women coming into their own financial, you know, just kingdom or queendom, you know, where they feel like, well, I'm making X amount of money. What can a man do for me besides, you know, something sexual? And for me, that is not the right mindset. But again, to each his own, because I do feel like we just like Adam and Eve to people who are, you know, believe in that story. You know, there was Adam and then, you know, he had. He got Eve as a partner. And whether that story is true for some or, you know, or truth or not or not, but I do believe that, you know, life is about partnership. And it's like even with reaching a goal, you know, you are head coach and you're in another profession. It's like, you know, that one person can't do it alone, so you need someone. And so what happens when, you know, life happens and you're all alone? What happens? [00:17:34] Speaker A: Yeah, I've said it on the show a couple times. I feel like, what happens if you're all alone? I always say I feel like I'm destined to be alone at the end of the day. Day. But, you know, that's. That's a whole another show. [00:17:45] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:17:51] Speaker A: I think this next one, I'm trying to figure out the best way to kind of. So for better or for worse, I think that's going out the window in 2025. [00:18:02] Speaker B: I don't believe so. Of course I don't believe your marriage. [00:18:06] Speaker A: Yeah, let me say that the divorce rate. Let me go. Go ahead. [00:18:12] Speaker B: I want to say that. And I love the statistics. So, yeah, definitely. Let's, let's, you know, look at the statistics also. But for me, for better or for worse. So I have two parts of, you know, it's a balance with me because I do feel as if that is what marriage is. Marriage is about, you know, you're going to deal with the obstacles and the storms in. In life. It's about how you stand in the rain together and again, how you come out of that theme. I don't condone or believe that any person, whether it's a man or a woman dealing with any violence or any emotional abuse. I don't feel like you should continue to stay in a marriage or any relationship if it is abusive. I do believe that you need to value yourself and, you know, put your safety first for once. I will say that. But let's take that out of. [00:19:04] Speaker A: I think. I think if you take. If you take out mental, verbal, physical abuse out sexual abuse, take that out. [00:19:11] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:19:11] Speaker A: All right. So that's a throwaway. Because you should leave. [00:19:13] Speaker B: You should leave now. [00:19:15] Speaker A: Mind you, I was listening to. I was. I was listening to the Second Row Conversations podcast with Letitia Plowden. And this is Domestic Violence Month. And so she had on a young lady, Dawn Dawson, who works for. She can't. She couldn't say who she worked for, what agency she worked for. [00:19:31] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:19:31] Speaker A: But she says they tell people, women that are in, that are being abused, not to leave. [00:19:36] Speaker B: Not to leave. [00:19:37] Speaker A: Yeah. They said, come up with, like, don't abruptly just go, okay. She was like, build. You have to build a plan to leave. Because if you don't build up a plan to leave, you'll resort to going. You either resort to going back or you can end up. She said you can end up physically hurt or killed or unalived. [00:19:57] Speaker B: I can see that in that sense. [00:19:59] Speaker A: So. So we, let's say we take that out. You should get divorced from a person if they're treating you in that manner. [00:20:04] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:20:05] Speaker A: Is there anything else? Like, should, if adultery has happened, should you leave? [00:20:10] Speaker B: So for me, that has never happened in my marriage or relationship. From what I know. I don't have any evidence of it. And I think that is to each his own. Like, you know, what you can deal with and, you know, people. It's like that. That is not an all size, you know, one size fits all question. Because people Obviously know what their capacity is. For me personally, my capacity is zero tolerance. Zero tolerance. And I think that goes for my husband and I. He. He doesn't want to deal with that or refuse to deal with it. And so he and I are definitely on the same page. But there are people that I know personally who have dealt with it and who are thriving in their relationship. So again, it's just not that one size fit all. Because people look at it like, oh, I wouldn't deal with a cheating woman, or I did. I wouldn't deal with a cheating man. [00:21:02] Speaker A: When you don't really know what you. [00:21:04] Speaker B: Would do when it comes down to it. Exactly. So y' all listen to that. You don't know. Never say never. Because you don't know what you deal with when it comes to it. But for me personally, zero, nada. Cheat on me. Never. [00:21:18] Speaker A: All right, number of marriages in 2023. And this is from 45 reporting states. [00:21:27] Speaker B: And Washington, D.C. are we dealing with a particular race? [00:21:32] Speaker A: This is just the, the bulk of marriages. Okay, 2041. I'm sorry, 2,041,926 marriages happened in 2023. That's how many marriages happened. 672,502 divorces. [00:22:00] Speaker B: That ratio is so off, you know, I'm thinking, I have children, obviously. So when I think about my children placement and the programs that the classes they in, I think about ratios and, okay, is this one teacher to how many, you know, students? So my mind went to what, 2 million compared to 6. That's literally like that number. [00:22:19] Speaker A: It's cool. [00:22:20] Speaker B: That ratio is almost. [00:22:22] Speaker A: It's almost half. [00:22:23] Speaker B: You almost have. [00:22:24] Speaker A: Yeah, so that means almost almost. I would say what, 40 something percent or maybe, let's say a little bit low. Maybe 40 of the marriages are ending in divorce now. [00:22:34] Speaker B: Yeah, it goes back to the, that the, the question, what is your motive? What is your. And then what is your motive? You know, that plays a dip. That plays a huge part in it. What is your motive when you meet someone? I remember telling my husband this, and it's funny now when I think about it, but I was dead. I was serious. Okay? But I remember saying how, like I, I'm not just dating anymore. I am auditioning life partners. Like, are you guys, are you going to be my husband or not? Because that's. That you are auditioning to be my husband. And I'm looking at the qualities that you have. I'm looking at how you respond when things happen. And so it goes back to the, the question, you know, what are people marrying for? Because we. We're dealing in. We're in an economic climate where, okay, you might have this great job one day, you might lose it all the next week, and then what do you do? And what do you do? [00:23:29] Speaker A: And now you're with this person. Now you're like, hey, man, I need this. [00:23:31] Speaker B: I don't even. I don't even like the way he look, and I don't even like, oh, my God. I like the way that he eat, like, everything. I think that that plays a major part in that divorce rate. And then let's. Let's be. Let's really deal with what we know. We know that you can't drive 10 miles without seeing some type of billboard saying, you know, are you tired now? Like, call, like, divorce lawyer. So it's like, plus, it's like all these options, you know, to you. You need a way out. I can help you. [00:24:03] Speaker A: I can help you get out, you. [00:24:04] Speaker B: Know, so it makes it easy. [00:24:08] Speaker A: So when they say sickness and in health today, do you think that's just relationship talk or do you feel like people are really, like, into it? [00:24:15] Speaker B: Yeah, people are. Again, I love to speak from a place, from my heart, obviously, but not so much catered to around, like, my personal experience. Well, you know, because I believe in, like, just keeping something sacred. But I will share this, that my husband got shot back in December 2023, perfectly healthy, never went to the hospital, never, like, nothing. And dealing with that situation where he was actually sick. He was in the ICU for three weeks, stayed in the hospital for, like, two days shy of, like, one month. He came home, he had some health issues. And I'm dealing with this. This new norm. Like, oh, my God, I'm. I have to help take care of my husband. Fortunately, my husband is much better now and back to, you know, everything is back to normal. But there was that time period where I literally. I was. I was taking care of my husband. [00:25:18] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:25:19] Speaker B: And it reminded me of my vows for sickness and in health. And that is the part that people, you know, if you want to be married, take your vows for me, take them serious, because life is going to happen. Like we said, with the jobs and all of those things or the looks, life, if you have an experience, life happens. Life happens. Yousef said, prior to you, we were having a brief conversation, was like, the struggle is real. And I was like, don't I know my brother? The struggle is real. So you will experience that. For sure. Life will happen. So your attentions has to be solid and if your intentions are, y' all have some agreement where I want you, because, you know, we're in a new society now, so it may be a mutual agreement. I want you because you look good. I can provide for you. That's y' all agreement and that's y' all business. But just don't go in with, you know, having someone think one thing, like, I. I love you and I want to be with you. And as soon as they get. And that's not the case. [00:26:16] Speaker A: Yeah. As soon as they get sick, you're ready to be out. [00:26:18] Speaker B: Absolutely. [00:26:20] Speaker A: I know. There's this woman. I know her. I've known her since 2011. This is 2000. It's been about 14 years now. Her husband is sick to the point where he can't. Can't speak, can't move. He's just like literally existing. And she's. She's. She's a nurse. And she has to do. Between her and his mom, they have to do everything. [00:27:00] Speaker B: Bathe them, feed them, everything. Probably change tubings or whatever. Yeah. [00:27:05] Speaker A: I told her I respect her so much. [00:27:07] Speaker B: Yeah. Yeah. [00:27:09] Speaker A: Hasn't left. Hasn't stepped out on her marriage. [00:27:12] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:27:13] Speaker A: Hasn't physically been with anyone because basically what happened? They got married, went on their honeymoon. When they came back from the honeymoon, he had. He felt something was wrong, went to the hospital, and he has been like that since. So he's been like that. They've been married for longer than the 14 years. This is just how long I've known her. [00:27:35] Speaker B: And she's still taking care of her husband. [00:27:37] Speaker A: She's still. [00:27:37] Speaker B: What I'm to this day has never. [00:27:41] Speaker A: That she's admitted to me. Never stepped out. [00:27:43] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:27:44] Speaker A: You know, because she's never told me. She has. [00:27:45] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:27:46] Speaker A: But she's hasn't stepped out. Hasn't gone out outside of the marriage to find anything with anybody. [00:27:51] Speaker B: Wow. [00:27:52] Speaker A: And I said. I said, you are much stronger than me. [00:27:55] Speaker B: Right. [00:27:57] Speaker A: I hate to say it. [00:27:58] Speaker B: Yeah. But it's your truth. [00:28:00] Speaker A: I said, but how are you doing this? [00:28:03] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:28:05] Speaker A: As an adult. As an adult, we all have urges and, you know, shoot, I. I have urges. At the end of the day, it's like how. [00:28:16] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:28:16] Speaker A: She says she takes as his life changed on that day, and so did mine, and I agreed to marry him for better or worse, sickness and health, forsaken all others, is what she said. And she says, I. I took a vow to vow. She says, now if he passes on, then I'll move on. [00:28:38] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:28:39] Speaker A: She's like, but until that day, I'm Here. [00:28:41] Speaker B: That's. That's my husband. [00:28:43] Speaker A: And I said. And I said, wow. [00:28:45] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:28:46] Speaker A: I said, all right. I. You know, you can't. Very, very commendable. Very, very commendable. So I guess that. That's. That's the thing. When I was towards the end of my marriage and even. And I had a fiance for a couple years, at the end of that relationship, we decided to do counseling in both senses. The second time, I was not a fan of it. The first time, I wanted to go to a professional, but she wanted to have somebody in the congregation do it. And so I was like, all right, whatever you need. [00:29:19] Speaker B: Yeah, let's. [00:29:21] Speaker A: Let's. Let's save what we got. Right? [00:29:22] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:29:24] Speaker A: So her. The issue I had in my marriage was it was a couple of them, but one of the main ones was she's somewhat. Verbally. She let me have it verbally. [00:29:33] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:29:33] Speaker A: And it's actually caused trauma in me today. So, like, you cuss at me. I almost. I'm out. Like, I'm shut down. [00:29:43] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:29:44] Speaker A: I become an. Like, whatever just happened. I don't care if I caused you to do this. I don't care if something I did has hurt you. Oh, no, I'm out. I'm completely out. [00:29:54] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:29:55] Speaker A: You can forget it. Yeah. But it stemmed from. From that. From that experience. And so when we would go to counseling, he would come to the house. Uncle James would come to the house, and he would talk to us about everything. And she would sit there and she like, yes, and yes, and yes. Oh, I get it. Uncle James. Oh, you're right, Uncle James. And I'd be like, yeah, yeah, yeah. We. You know, he would leave out the house as soon as that car leaves the driveway. I said, the man just said that we have to kind of. Yeah, but that's. This. This is the house. He don't run my. And I, you know, we just couldn't get there. But, you know, me and her, cool now. [00:30:39] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:30:40] Speaker A: But in that we'll say. And we say it today, we should have never been married. Like, we just. We got married because we had kids. She had pressure from her family. I had pressure from. I did not want to be a baby daddy again. [00:30:51] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:30:51] Speaker A: I just. I was like, nah, we ain't doing this. I'm not doing this. I put undue pressure on myself, and then I had a friend die. So whatever. Everything kind of. And she was like, hey, let's just get married. I was like, oh, yeah, sure, let's do it. [00:31:03] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:31:05] Speaker A: So in that I bring up the Therapy. Because I think the majority of marriages use therapy as an emergency, not as an essential. And I think if you're going in maybe once a month. Just a wellness check. [00:31:26] Speaker B: Yes. Yeah. [00:31:27] Speaker A: With. With a. With a counselor. Even if you do it virtually, however you choose to do your counseling, I think it should be essential rather than in an emergency. [00:31:35] Speaker B: I agree. I agree. I personally, we. My husband and I, we didn't do premarital counseling, but we did do therapy, doing one of, like, a very difficult time. And our. It was our relationship. We wasn't even quite married yet. Well, we wasn't married yet, but we were trying to navigate some issues, and I wanted to do it. My husband agreed, and it helped. It helped for him to see how I felt. It helped me have that person to mediate, you know, just the communication barrier, because I'm so busy. I was so busy saying, well, I see it like this. And then he's telling me how he feel. And so just having someone mediate, like, are you hearing each other? So therapy really helps. We have not done therapy since then, but I couldn't agree with you more. I do feel like sometimes you need to have that. You know, just be proactive before things, because when things happen, then you'll know how to. Okay, we should talk to each other like this, But I'll share this. Like, although we didn't go seek a professional. And I am all for the professional therapist and all that. Right. My husband and I went to dinner one night, and we knew what we were going to do. I believe it was. It was his idea. And we. And we still have it today. And this might have been a decade ago, but it was some of the things that we knew we were doing to hurt each other. And we vow to stop doing those things. Whether it was, you know, me saying, like, disrespecting him as a man, like, just curse. Cursing at him, you know, when I would get upset. And so I vowed not to do those things. Of course, over the years, you know, you relapse, but then you hold each other accountable. But I'm all for therapy. And I do feel like married couples, people who are thinking about marriage, if you are bringing your own set of traumas and issues into a relationship, therapy is definitely something that you should consider. [00:33:36] Speaker A: Speaking of, like, what y' all did in your marriage, writing this stuff down. In my relationship with my ex, we had a. When we started dating, both of us, our favorite movie. And I've never said this publicly. Yeah, well, actually, I did say I said it. I think it's like. See, the first. I think the first year we recorded this show, relationship Status, she was on as a guest. Me and her were still together at the time. [00:34:06] Speaker B: Huh. [00:34:07] Speaker A: And. And no, we weren't together. We were broken up. But she was on the show, and what we would do is the Notebook was these. I don't know if you ever seen the movie the Notebook, where at the end of the day, he always rereads. When they. To get her memory back, he would read their love story over and over and over again. [00:34:28] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:34:29] Speaker A: Well, we were two corny people who really liked that movie. So we decided to start a notebook. So I would write in it one day and date it, and then I would give it to her. And then. Because we didn't live together at the time when we started. [00:34:43] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:34:44] Speaker A: And then she would write in it. Dated. And then next time we saw each other, she would give it to me, and I would write in it the next. And then it would go on and on and on and on and on. And then we stopped. For some reason, we stopped. And then stuff started getting a little rocky, so we was like, okay, let's go back to that. And then we started the Notebook again because we couldn't find the old one, so we started a new one. [00:35:09] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:35:10] Speaker A: And I still have that book, but you can. You can see. I think that's a. That was kind of our way of therapy. [00:35:19] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:35:19] Speaker A: I think she was able. I think it's more. It's sometimes easier. I dated somebody once where it's easier for them to text me how they feel. Yeah. Than to talk to me about it. [00:35:30] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:35:32] Speaker A: And I think whatever feels comfortable. Now, the problem with that is I don't like texting. [00:35:37] Speaker B: Yeah. Yeah. [00:35:38] Speaker A: So, like, any text outside of five lines, you're probably gonna lose me. Any text. Five, six lines, maybe seven, you're probably gonna lose me. [00:35:48] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:35:49] Speaker A: But I understand why people do it, and I try to be locked in. It's difficult. [00:35:53] Speaker B: Doesn't work for you. [00:35:54] Speaker A: No. But with the Notebook, it was. It was. I was able to see her thoughts in real time because she would write them in real time. [00:36:01] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:36:02] Speaker A: And so it made it real easy to. To do it. So that kind of was our sense of therapy. So I think therapy doesn't. Like you said, it doesn't always have to be with a professional, but I do think that it does need to be a part of your marriage. And, you know, the different love languages. I think that feeds into what should be considered. I think marriages should have a love language. And it should be mutual growth. It's just, how do we grow together? [00:36:28] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:36:28] Speaker A: And continue? Because if, you know, sometimes marriages fail because one person outgrew the other. How are we. How are we navigating this growth of you? How am I supporting your growth and you supporting my growth? How are we going to be able to do that together? But I think that's from. [00:36:44] Speaker B: And that is the key. I believe that that is what marriage should be. The foundation of you understanding that is partnership. But then in 2025 versus back then, you have, you know, our. The people. Yeah, not the people, but our ancestors, our great grandparents or grandparents even, that understood marriage to be, you know, like just the. The ending of a thing. The beginning, but the ending of a thing, like you. You get the husband. It's just that you're going to do it until the wheels fall off. Whereas now in 2025, I personally believe that the thing that has changed is people are more aware of their mental health. People are more aware of the growth opportunities. And so although marriage is unity and partnership and all of those things, it is also balancing it with knowing and recognizing that you are two different individuals. So even though, even though you're coming together to be one, you're still an individual. You still have your individual aspirations and goals and dreams. And so knowing that we're together. But I'm. So this is your vision. Okay, babe, how are we going to make this happen? So being supportive and understanding, because just like you, I mean, and it's not gender based. If you're in a relationship and one person has been fulfilling a role. Let's say, you know, my husband. My husband has been the provider from day one, you know, and so when it come, when the roles reverse, you know, it's like, okay, now it's a new dynamic. [00:38:23] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:38:24] Speaker B: You know, and so, but understanding that this is the plan and regardless of what, what, what, whatever the financial, like, if my finances change to be, you know, surpassing his way, surviving this, we're still in it together. And the goal is to build a life that's. That's sustainable and, and build, you know, provide for our children and, and grandchildren. And so sometimes the man wears all the hats, sometimes the woman comes in and it's enough for the family. [00:38:56] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:38:56] Speaker B: You know, where the man can just like, I'm not doing all of that right now. So. Yeah. [00:39:02] Speaker A: Okay, so gonna take a go take a little. We're not going to be becoming her. [00:39:07] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:39:08] Speaker A: Right now we're going to be becoming us. [00:39:10] Speaker B: Okay. [00:39:10] Speaker A: Okay. [00:39:11] Speaker B: All right. [00:39:12] Speaker A: How can you how can you tie into becoming her principles with becoming your best strength within. With your best self within your marriage? [00:39:27] Speaker B: How can I become. How can I apply? [00:39:30] Speaker A: Apply Becoming her principles to be, you know, maintaining your individuality and continuously to grow as an individual within your marriage. [00:39:40] Speaker B: Got it. Got it. Oh, that's a. That's a. A heavy question. That's a good one. [00:39:45] Speaker A: We got time for. We got. For it all. [00:39:47] Speaker B: We. Okay, so how can I become. How can I apply the Becoming her principles? So the becoming her principles, some of them are knowing that as an individual, I am evolving. And although marriage is, you know, something that is based in commitment and grace and, you know, all of those things that are like the. The forgiveness and, you know, all of those things, I do feel like marriages evolve, you know, it just. You don't just stay the same way. And so I applied those principles in my marriage with understanding that my marriage is not going to look today. It's not going to look like what it is today, how it looked like even five, even three years ago. Because even three years ago, prior to my husband's incident with him getting shot, it looked different. You know, my marriage has evolved even from that. And I understand that that situation was a situation that changed me entirely where I was so comfortable in my lifestyle. And so with applying the. Becoming her principles, Evolving, being number one. Becoming her, Becoming, becoming. As you haven't arrived, you're becoming, Evolving. Right. And so I apply that principle, that particular principle to my marriage. I'm evolving. I'm evolving. But at the same time, my motive is still the same. To be faithful to my husband, to be. To extend grace to, you know, my husband, and to be committed to, you know, my husband, which is, you know, faithful. And so those are the principles that apply. Yeah. [00:41:46] Speaker A: Okay. So how do you. How do you, as yourself, how does Ashley stay grounded while still showing up for your husband? [00:41:53] Speaker B: Yeah. So just knowing that my identity is rooted in all of my experiences, because that's what we are. We are just an embodiment of everything that we've gone through. But knowing how to take the things that I've experienced and allow it to propel me into the future, the future of what I want it to look like. I know that I want to be a person, a person who lives in my own truth. I don't want to experience situations where I'm being, you know, fake or, you know, or just not living in my truth. I am who I am. And so I believe that taking all of my experiences and knowing that this is who I am not being in a situation or not putting myself in a situation where the noise of the world or other people is convincing me otherwise of who I am. Like, just reminding myself of all, like, everything that I embody, all the characteristics. That's what helps me to be grounded. And I think that that is just the, you know, it's not even rocket science, you know. You know that your palette is, let's say, you know, you love, you know, just Caribbean food. You know, that's your background. You have that Caribbean vibe. And let's say someone is trying to give you some bland food and it's like, not even seasoned well. You like? No, thank you. So for me, you know, take that analogy and I apply it to when the world is trying to tell me, girl, you're this or you that or you need to be this. You didn't be with that man for how long? And girl, you ain't never did, like, no, this is who I am, you know, And I think that it's not even hard work. You just remind yourself who you are and you operate out of that as a, you know, daily practice. I know that I am faithful. I don't put myself in situations where. [00:43:46] Speaker A: I can be unfaithful or you can be tested on. [00:43:49] Speaker B: Yeah, well, the tests are going to come regardless. [00:43:51] Speaker A: No, I mean, but I think that if you. Okay, so, like, if, you know, if you want to be a faithful person. [00:43:58] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:43:59] Speaker A: You navigate yourself in a way in which you don't put yourself in situations. Now, of course you're going to be tested. No matter what. The world's going to test you. [00:44:07] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:44:08] Speaker A: Anyway, I'm just saying, like, if you're married and you want to be faithful and whatever, it's probably not a good idea to go to the strip club by yourself. Yeah, it's probably not. [00:44:17] Speaker B: Yeah, it's. You know, that's true. [00:44:19] Speaker A: It's probably not. And it's probably not a good idea to go over your homeboy do dirty, who got a bunch of girls over there who want to get down. That's probably not a good place to go. Like, I mean, if. If you trying to be. [00:44:32] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:44:32] Speaker A: You know, you ain't got nothing to prove to nobody. [00:44:34] Speaker B: Right. [00:44:35] Speaker A: You know, so at the end of the day, you should not put yourself. [00:44:40] Speaker B: In situations that are. [00:44:42] Speaker A: That can compromise you because, you know, I'm not saying anybody is weak. The flesh is weak. But if you don't put yourself in a situation, there's nothing for you to absolutely in fear of happening, so that's true. Yeah, know. So what advice do you give? What advice would you give to a woman who wants to get married but is in fear of losing herself? [00:45:05] Speaker B: Yeah, that is a, a great question. And I, I know that that is something that a lot of women deal with. As far that question. I want to get married, but goodness, I've had all these people tell me that you always lose yourself. And I, you know, I will be transparent. I, I know that I lost myself because prior to my husband and I meeting, prior to us dating, I remember, you know, we were, we would text each other and he said to me, you know, I, you know, I'm attracted to you, but that is not the most important thing. He was like, I am try, I'm attracted to your drive the most. And I was like always just, you know, yeah, I'm gonna do this and do it. And I became so content with the idea of I have this man that is showering with me, with the lifestyle. I don't have to work, honey, I am good, I'm gonna take care of these kids. [00:46:06] Speaker A: I. [00:46:07] Speaker B: And in that I became so content, so content where it was like me literally stripping my own identity and aspirations. And so I do feel that it is important for a woman to understand, again, knowing who you are, if you know that you don't want to be a stay at home mom or if you know that you don't want to have your spouse or significant, you know, your significant other, you know, tell you it's going to be an issue with, oh, you can't go on this girls trip. And you know, I love to go out of town with my girls. Those things needs to be established. You can't just have somebody thinking a certain thing like, you know, you, you get, you start dating, then you neglect your girlfriends and then two years later, y' all already married and you like, oh, yeah, but I'm going on this girls trip. He like, when you started going on girls trip? Well, way before we met. But I just never let, you know, you have to let people know. This is what I enjoy. [00:46:59] Speaker A: It's a part of me. [00:47:00] Speaker B: This is a part of me. So again, that question, to answer your question very simply, it is be, be who you are and then some that changes, you know, as you grow and you know, as time goes on. So it is communication when we first met, you know, and it was a business, business relationship. But it's like, just communicate. [00:47:21] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:47:21] Speaker B: You know, just communicate. And that's in any relationship, communicate in. [00:47:25] Speaker A: Relationships, like in business. I'm good, I'm good. I'm communication only. [00:47:29] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:47:30] Speaker A: In relationships, I suck. I suck at communication. [00:47:33] Speaker B: That is so weird. [00:47:34] Speaker A: God, I suck at communication. [00:47:36] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:47:36] Speaker A: That's why I get in a plethora of arguments. It's always something I suck at. [00:47:40] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:47:41] Speaker A: In a relationship, I'm just bad at it. [00:47:44] Speaker B: But, you know, that's the first thing to change in a thing, you know, because it takes a lot. It takes a lot to say I suck at. [00:47:51] Speaker A: Oh, no, I, I. [00:47:53] Speaker B: So you already acknowledging it. [00:47:54] Speaker A: I am horrible. The problem that what? Being bad and being horrible at something is two different things. [00:48:00] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:48:00] Speaker A: Being bad is. Yo. You acknowledge that you got an issue, you got a problem, and you're doing what you need to do to fix it. [00:48:05] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:48:06] Speaker A: Being horrible at communication. I know I'm bad, and I don't do nothing about it. There's. There's no priorities. Hey, look, hey. Take it as it is, right? Gonna go. Let's go. Some hot take questions. Okay. Separate bank accounts. Healthy or suspicious? [00:48:26] Speaker B: Healthy. [00:48:26] Speaker A: Okay. [00:48:27] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:48:27] Speaker A: Posting your spouse on social media required or overrated? [00:48:31] Speaker B: Overrated. I do it, but it's overrated. [00:48:35] Speaker A: Okay. Marriage counseling before marriage. Smart or unnecessary? [00:48:42] Speaker B: I would say unnecessary. [00:48:44] Speaker A: Unnecessary. Okay. Okay. That was just some. We kind of sneak that in every now and then. Just a lot of things we've been talking about. But take a step back, because I almost forgot it was a point. [00:48:52] Speaker B: Let me, let me make sure that I put, like, a disclaimer on that. It is unnecessary if two people know how to communicate and you're coming in with truth. Okay. This is what, like, you're talking about the finances. Okay. I do have this secret. I want to, like, anything that you feel like, will go into a marriage and drag, like, just suck the life out of a marriage within. [00:49:12] Speaker A: Need to put it in. [00:49:13] Speaker B: You need to communicate, you know, but so if you know how to communicate, then, you know, premarital counseling can be unnecessary. [00:49:21] Speaker A: Okay. If you could rewrite the marriage vows for 20, 25, we're gonna update them. [00:49:30] Speaker B: Okay. [00:49:31] Speaker A: What would they. How would that. What would you add? Or what would you remove and. Or. [00:49:36] Speaker B: That's a good question. That's a really good question. What would I add and what would I remove? [00:49:41] Speaker A: Would you. I mean, you don't have to remove anything. Yeah, but what would you add? If you would add anything or would you. What would you remove? If you would remove anything, I'll pull them up. So how about this? We go through them. [00:49:51] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:49:53] Speaker A: Let'S go through them. [00:49:56] Speaker B: Better. I know that for better, for worse, for sickness, in their health. And I Promise to love you and honor you. Oh, I. Probably. [00:50:07] Speaker A: Okay. [00:50:10] Speaker B: That'S a good one. [00:50:11] Speaker A: Hold on. List the marriage. The 10 marriage vows there. 10. Wow, 10 vows. That's not it. What is the ones out the Bible. [00:50:32] Speaker B: It changes. I mean, it's not even, you know. Of course you have your traditional marriage vows, but people write their vows all the time, so. [00:50:43] Speaker A: Yeah, they do. [00:50:44] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:50:44] Speaker A: But I want the ones out the bot. [00:50:45] Speaker B: The one that they be the traditional. [00:50:47] Speaker A: Traditional. I'm gonna be editing this part. There we go. What are the most traditional wedding vows? Okay. Okay, here. Here are the vows you vow to have. To have this person, to have and to hold from this day forward. That's one. We Keeping that. For better or worse, richer or poorer. For poorer. In sickness and in health. [00:51:24] Speaker B: Keeping all of that. [00:51:25] Speaker A: Keeping that. Okay. To love and to cherish. Keeping that till death do us part, forsaking all others. [00:51:36] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:51:37] Speaker A: Okay, so we keep it. All of those. [00:51:38] Speaker B: I'm keep. Yeah. [00:51:39] Speaker A: Is there any that we need to add? [00:51:42] Speaker B: I think. Yeah. I think that it needs to be clearer with the emotional part, because even though we use words like love and cherish and people can, you know, some people would take that and like, okay, that's. That means to, you know, meet someone's emotional needs. But that will be the biggest thing for me. Adding that to that, you know, I'm adding to it very simple and plain. In layman's terms, you know, I vow to meet your emotional needs because your emotions are connected to the mental. And sometimes how we think and how we feel are, you know, closely related. So just understanding that this is your partner for life. You want to meet their emotional needs. You want to vow to meet their, you know, emotional needs. You know, are you feeling sad talking through it? Are you feeling, you know, neglected or abandoned? Abandoned. Abandoned. Like, how can I help you not feel this way? So that it is peace with us. [00:52:47] Speaker A: Okay. [00:52:47] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:52:48] Speaker A: All right. So. Okay. So we're good. We're good there. Okay. So that's the addition. There's nothing I would really add. I would say. I think that what you said is a good one. No, I gotta add. I vow to com. To not. I thought this could only come from the woman. [00:53:05] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:53:06] Speaker A: I vow to say what I mean and mean what I say as the man. No, the woman. [00:53:11] Speaker B: The one. Oh. [00:53:12] Speaker A: The woman has to say. [00:53:13] Speaker B: Oh, yeah. [00:53:14] Speaker A: The woman has to say this. [00:53:15] Speaker B: Be very clear. [00:53:16] Speaker A: Yes. You need to be clear in communication as to what you want. Do not. If I ask you what you want for dinner, do not. Do not say I don't care. And then I say, hey, let's get Chinese. And you say, no, I don't want Chinese. So I vow to be clear that the woman would only say that. [00:53:37] Speaker B: That's good. You know what I think? I think you speak for all men when you say that one. [00:53:44] Speaker A: I vow to be clear about what I want. That's it. That's the one I want to add. And it's only for women. So men. We could slide on that. We could slide on that one. It would be only for women. All right, so we always. We supposed to start the episode, but I skipped it. Just getting right into the conversation. Yeah, there's a question of the week. So question of the week. If you want to join the conversation, hit us up. R E L S T A t podcast, gmail.com. also, you can join the conversation on the podcast advice group, on Facebook messenger as well as in the private group, Facebook relationship status podcast advice group. You could drop your advice letters and answer all the questions that we dropped. So here's one. What's the question of the week? This week was what's the worst surprise you ever received from a significant. From your husband? Yeah, the worst surprise. [00:54:38] Speaker B: So it wasn't so much like a tangible thing. It was getting shot. Like life. [00:54:45] Speaker A: Oh, yeah, yeah. [00:54:46] Speaker B: You know, life for us was just. It was good. We had just came off of vacation and was celebrating, was looking forward to celebrating that 10 year mark of being married. And we always talked about, okay, when we make it to 10 years. And so that was something that we were looking forward to. But on the night, on the night of December 9, my husband went to see about his brother and got caught up in the middle of all of that and never has been someone who's just, you know, just not. You don't live that type of lifestyle. But unfortunately, he got shot. And that was like the worst surprise. [00:55:25] Speaker A: Yeah. Oh, no, no, that was. That was. [00:55:27] Speaker B: That was heavy. [00:55:28] Speaker A: Yeah, that was. That, that. That sucked. Yeah, mine was twofold. It was the best and the worst surprise. It was the worst and the best surprise all in one. [00:55:39] Speaker B: Oh, so best and the worst. [00:55:41] Speaker A: Best and the worst. Okay, My oldest daughter's mom, okay, she calls me up and. And this is before this. Before. This is before she. My daughter was here. [00:55:53] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:55:53] Speaker A: She calls me up, it's my birthday. Calls me up and says, I got. I got a surprise for you. I was like, all right, cool. [00:56:02] Speaker B: It's my birthday, man. [00:56:04] Speaker A: Listen, all the stuff that was going. [00:56:05] Speaker B: Through my head, right? [00:56:07] Speaker A: I'm like, oh, it's about to be on and popping tonight. And she comes to the house, and I was picking either a big gift or her and something skimpy. It's one of the two. I don't. What? What is it going to be? What's it going to be? And it's just her and her purse. She got on some sweats, T shirt, hoodie. And I'm like, I'm excited. She done came over to the apartment. I'm like, all right, where's my. Where's my surprise? She goes in her purse and pulls out the pregnancy. [00:56:37] Speaker B: The pregnancy test, negro. [00:56:42] Speaker A: I was like, oh, no, no. [00:56:46] Speaker B: On my birthday. On my birthday. On your birthday? [00:56:49] Speaker A: On my birthday, man. [00:56:50] Speaker B: But it turned out to be the best thing. [00:56:52] Speaker A: Oh, no. That day I cried. I was like, oh, no, Lord. [00:56:56] Speaker B: So what were the tears from? Like, just. [00:56:58] Speaker A: No, the tears were from. I don't want to be nobody. Daddy. [00:57:01] Speaker B: You wasn't ready yet. [00:57:02] Speaker A: I'm not. I am not. I think I was a junior in college. [00:57:05] Speaker B: Wow. [00:57:06] Speaker A: I was a junior. No. Yeah, yeah. No. Yeah. I was a junior in college. [00:57:09] Speaker B: Yeah. So life hasn't even really happened for you. [00:57:12] Speaker A: And I was like, oh, my God. [00:57:16] Speaker B: That's a good window. Good story. Good story. [00:57:19] Speaker A: And we have a couple out. The group shouts out to Adelina. She says she was surprised with buying a vehicle that wasn't for the family but was a good deal. He said it was a good deal. I got a good deal, babe. I got a good deal. Let's go. Let's go to the post here. I should be more prepared. [00:57:41] Speaker B: Oh, no, you're good. It's flowing. [00:57:44] Speaker A: Oh, yeah, no, we're good. Okay. Oh, that's for something later. That's for the next episode. All right, edit that out now. So Ashley, want to say thank you for joining, for joining me today. [00:57:58] Speaker B: Welcome. [00:57:59] Speaker A: Thank you for stepping in for V V. We miss you, but definitely thank you. Thank you for stepping in. Go ahead, plug your social media. Plug the show. [00:58:06] Speaker B: Thank you. I am Ashley Martin and I wear mini hats. I am a lifestyle photographer. I'm a licensed esthetician, and I am the voice behind Becoming her with Ashley Martin, a podcast that believes in having real conversations. We do a lot of encouragement and just having overall healing conversations. And so please follow me at Becoming her with Ashley Martin on Facebook. Becoming her with Ashley on TikTok and Instagram. I'd love to have you tap into my community, leave me some comments, and just support the overall goal of just empowering each other. Thank you. [00:58:48] Speaker A: Thank you once again for being on. As y' all already know that you can find us on all podcast platforms. Remember to follow us on all social media platforms at R E L S T A T podcast. Join us on the Patreon patreon.com backslash relationshipstatus book club. Hey, I have read the first seven chapters. For those who have gotten the book, we're going to discuss it on the next episode. We're going to have a short segment where I catch you up on fame, the young lady who is the star of the book that is called Prospects of Fame, written by Grant Michaels. That is our first book in our book club. But we will be discussing the first seven chapters and oh, it was juicy, juicy stuff. Now, it started off there's some crazy stuff happened to start. So we're gonna talk about that on the next episode. And don't forget to join the conversation in the book club that's on patreon.com relationshipstatus it's your boy Yousef in the building. Thanks for joining us. We're out. Peace.