151st Lunch Date: My Boyfriend is Hiding a Secret That Could Ruin Everything!

[00:00:00] Speaker A: Whatever you want to deal with. But for me personally, how can my man be secretly bi? Because if I know that you're taking penis from another man, we ain't even in no relationship. But that's just my take on it. How can you be secretly bi? And you. You're entertaining that as that's your man. Then you. Then you sprinkle in. He's. He want. He wants to propose. He wants to propose. And you know that he secretly. By girlfriend, sound like you need some therapy. But to each his own. [00:00:32] Speaker B: To each their own. [00:00:33] Speaker A: To each their own. [00:00:34] Speaker B: You know, that's. That's the welcome back to relationship status. It's your boy Yousef in the building. And once again, you know, we are here and we have a wonderful guest. She is the great Ashley Martin. How you doing? Again, welcome back. [00:00:59] Speaker A: Thank you, thank you. I am doing great. Thank you for having me again, man. [00:01:02] Speaker B: Listen, thank you for driving back up. We appreciate that. Yeah, we know gas is not free. [00:01:07] Speaker A: Oh, listen, a lot of things ain't free, but it's a pleasure to be here. Thank you. [00:01:12] Speaker B: No problems. How's. How's everything going? [00:01:14] Speaker A: Everything is going great. The platform is growing. Becoming her is becoming her. [00:01:20] Speaker B: Becoming her. [00:01:20] Speaker A: Becoming her is becoming her. Okay. In real time, I was like, I was telling myself the other day, like, girl, this is happening in real time. Like, just how things are happening so quickly and opportunities and so I'm just looking forward to all of the amazing things that I know are sure to come. [00:01:36] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah, that's cool. Really. Enjoy your podcast. Listen, I'm an avid listener, and then a lot of times I'm here for the recording anyway. But I do watch it as a fan, though. Like when the show comes out, I listen to it sometimes on my way to work. Because you drop on Fridays. [00:01:53] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah. [00:01:54] Speaker B: So I listen to it on my way to work or then I'll listen to it. I'll watch it on my TV because I love to watch YouTube on my television. I like to watch podcasts. Yeah, I love to. I love to do that. But so we. So I really enjoy your show. Big fan of your show. So keep doing what you're doing. [00:02:09] Speaker A: And I am so grateful for you. I swear, like you said, sometimes I'm here for the recording. You're here for the recording all the time. And so just having someone who is who and has your skill set, you know, the support. I remember the first show and oh, my God, if they saw the behind the scenes, it was a hot mess. Getting up, shaking like I was trying to get something off, but it was just the nerves behind it. But you definitely assured me, he said, it's going to get better. It's going to get better. [00:02:35] Speaker B: And it's got. You have gotten so much. You've gotten so much better than total enjoyment of the show. So we have a letter today for you guys. We're going to go ahead and get into it. Says, hey, relationship status. Yusuf and V. I need Yalls opinion on this one. I've been my boyfriend, 33 years old. He's 33 years old for four years. My best friend is 23. She's staying with me, and she's close with my younger brother, who's 21. Recently, my brother told her something serious involving my boyfriend, something that could even go to court. Now, my best friend won't tell me what it is because she promised my brother she wouldn't. And my brother says he'll tell me when he's ready, but I can tell he's hiding something big and he's scared of how I might react. My gut says it might be something sexual because possibly something between my boyfriend and my brother, seeing as how my brother is gay and my boyfriend is secretly bi. Meanwhile, my boyfriend's talking about proposing. I'm losing my mind pretending everything's normal while I feel sick inside. So what would you do? Wait for the truth to confront my man. Wait for the truth or confront my man now and risk everything? Risk blowing everything up? [00:03:58] Speaker A: That is a whole reality show. That is. Oh, my goodness. That is like. Hold on now. Okay, this part. This part that is chaos, in my opinion. Like, that is chaos. And chaos in the sense of first of all, like, please tell me, what is your take on that? [00:04:19] Speaker B: I like to save mine for last. [00:04:21] Speaker A: Okay. [00:04:21] Speaker B: Because. No, no, but what I will say is this. Let's. Let's. Let's go through the letter a little. [00:04:26] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah, you're right. We gotta dissect it. That's why I was like, that's a lot. [00:04:30] Speaker B: He's 33. And your best friend is 23. [00:04:33] Speaker A: So he's older. So dealing with an older partner. [00:04:36] Speaker B: So she is definitively young. [00:04:38] Speaker A: Younger than him. [00:04:39] Speaker B: If your best friend is 23, you assume that they're about the same age. [00:04:42] Speaker A: Yeah. Huh. [00:04:43] Speaker B: Okay, so that's the first thing. [00:04:45] Speaker A: Huh? [00:04:46] Speaker B: Next, your brother is also. Your brother is younger than you and your best friend. [00:04:56] Speaker A: Yeah, but illegal. [00:04:58] Speaker B: But legal. Yeah, but it was something that happened before. So how long have you and your. How long have you and your boyfriend been together? No. You've been together for four years. So if something happened between your brother and your. And your boyfriend four years ago, he was 29 and your brother was 17. So was it. If it was something that happened before or was it something that happened during. Either way, so many questions and so many questions that you have to answer that you almost have to go and talk to them. [00:05:30] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:05:31] Speaker B: Hey, look, such and such told me that my brother then told me, you know, saying Sean. Sean done told Lisa, at least in the. Kane told me that, but she won't tell me what Sean said. What. What did you tell me? [00:05:45] Speaker A: You need. Yes, but I'm. [00:05:47] Speaker B: See, but me, I. I'm petty. Oh, you know, so I'm petty. Petty. [00:05:53] Speaker A: What's the level of petty pettiness? You know, like. Oh, medium or like, nuclear hot. [00:06:00] Speaker B: Mine. A little medium. You know, it's a little med. Would go. This is what I would do. [00:06:04] Speaker A: Okay. [00:06:08] Speaker B: Cuz let's say my best friend was me. And my best friend, my homeboy. [00:06:12] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:06:13] Speaker B: He got to stay with me and my girl. And then all that. Let's say it's reversed, Rose. Reversed. [00:06:18] Speaker A: Okay. [00:06:19] Speaker B: Hey, y', all, I'm about. Cuz I love to cook and I love to have people over. Hey, y', all, man, I'm about to cook, man. Y' all need to come over. We gonna have dinner. [00:06:26] Speaker A: Oh, boy. [00:06:29] Speaker B: Everybody get their plate. We ready. So. [00:06:36] Speaker A: Break the ice. [00:06:38] Speaker B: What did you tell. What did you tell Sean about my girl? [00:06:45] Speaker A: Head on. [00:06:46] Speaker B: Like, right there. [00:06:47] Speaker A: Head on. [00:06:47] Speaker B: What did you tell. I told her. Hey, look, I just need to know. Is there something I need to know? Ma'? Am? Excuse me, ma', am, Is there something I need to know? [00:06:56] Speaker A: Yeah, because. [00:06:57] Speaker B: Yeah, because we not going. You. You harassing me by getting married when you got something floating out here that possibly could go to court? [00:07:06] Speaker A: Now, that's the part like, that's. Yeah. [00:07:09] Speaker B: That means the only thing that could. [00:07:10] Speaker A: Possibly go to court age. [00:07:12] Speaker B: Was you dealing with my underage. [00:07:14] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:07:15] Speaker B: Brother or sister. [00:07:16] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:07:19] Speaker B: Now I gotta beat your ass. [00:07:20] Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah. Because how you didn't know that. [00:07:23] Speaker B: Well, I can't because Fish is a woman, but I can't beat ass. But now we got to break up. No, because if it's something. The only thing that could possibly go to court is that. [00:07:31] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:07:31] Speaker B: If you're talking about it being sexual. [00:07:33] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:07:34] Speaker B: So. Yeah. No, we'd have to. [00:07:35] Speaker A: Statutory. [00:07:36] Speaker B: Oh, oh. Oh, yeah. Oh, oh, yeah, we. Now we got it. Yeah. No, we all gonna sit down here and mind you be. You know who else I invited to dinner? [00:07:46] Speaker A: Who else? [00:07:49] Speaker B: Detective Jericho. [00:07:50] Speaker A: Oh, oh, as soon as it lay out. Yeah, Put your hands. [00:07:57] Speaker B: Yeah, put your hands behind your back. Let's get. Let's get you on the pot of here. [00:08:00] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:08:01] Speaker B: Yeah. So, yeah, I think that it has to be met head on, especially if you're talking about trying to get married and things of that nature. [00:08:08] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:08:09] Speaker B: The. The. I think one of the biggest issues we talked about divorce rate on the last episode. And I think one of the things that. That attribute to the divorce rate is the fact that people are not coming in with all of the cards on the table. Whether it's some financial things that you got missing, whether it's some cheating that you've done prior to the marriage, you're coming in that you can't come into something that they say is open. [00:08:33] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:08:34] Speaker B: With secrets. With closed. With closed doors. [00:08:37] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:08:37] Speaker B: You know, you got things behind you. Got this in the closet. You got that. You know, he's. He's known for keeping secrets because he's secretly gay. [00:08:44] Speaker A: Yeah. How is that, though? I know we're in a different time period and of course, like with that, that age range, you know, 20 and all that things are different and how, you know, how they look and to each his own with whatever you want to deal with. But for me personally, how can my man be secretly by. By. Because if I know that you're taking penis from another man, we ain't even in no relationship. But that's just my take on it. How can you be secretly by. And you're entertaining that as that's your man. Then you sprinkle in. He wants to propose. He wants to propose. And you know that he's secretly by girlfriend. Sound like you need some therapy. But to each his own. [00:09:28] Speaker B: To each their own. [00:09:29] Speaker A: To each their own. [00:09:30] Speaker B: You know, that's the thing. The best friend won't tell me because she promised my brother. See, now you got to get out my house. [00:09:37] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah. [00:09:39] Speaker B: Oh, you can't tell me. [00:09:40] Speaker A: Oh, we ain't even best friends. [00:09:41] Speaker B: That's fine. [00:09:41] Speaker A: Because there's some things that is like. [00:09:44] Speaker B: Especially if it's something that's dealing with under something that could possibly go to court. [00:09:49] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:09:50] Speaker B: It's under extra under age. Yeah, yeah, you got it. You gotta let me know. You gotta let me know. Absolutely. So what's your take? [00:09:59] Speaker A: Same thing. Same. Same thing as you expressed just now for one. Okay, let's just go ahead and get this out and open and I'm not. I don't want to have it blow up. Yeah, it's going to blow up because I am going to be the one to not blow it up. But what is the deal with this? You know, coming head on like let's deal with this. This was said I'm not going to be in the dark about anything. So what is the secret? You know, with the. With the. With the best friend. Listen here girl. I know that you're friends with my little brother, but you're supposed to be my best friend. What did he tell you? [00:10:37] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:10:38] Speaker A: Cause unless you don't want us to be at odds with each other and. [00:10:42] Speaker B: If we at odds means you don't got no house. [00:10:43] Speaker A: Exactly. You ain't got no place to go. So I understand that you feel like okay you done took this oath to protect and serve, whatever, but what is the deal? Because it's now I'm wondering I'm not going to be in the dark about something that you mentioned Court, you know, and then it's like this, you know, this guy's talking about proposing to me. So what's the deal? [00:11:08] Speaker B: What are we really doing? [00:11:09] Speaker A: Yeah yeah. [00:11:10] Speaker B: Let's get into some comments. Tyrus said always trust your gut. Blow up the spot. If you're wrong at least you can get the truth out. Start stating he's about to propose then there shouldn't. There shouldn't be any secrets your boyfriend secretly by so you know he's possibly he's sleeping with men then you can't do basic math. One plus one always equals to Katie shouts out to Katie Kate she says when you build a house it doesn't matter how beautiful your paint is or that Beyonce herself came to hang your curtains. If you don't have a. If you don't. If you don't have or build a strong foundation your house will eventually fall and it's only a matter of when. Effective communication is a part of the foundation and it takes to a secret today, no matter how large or small is a secret tomorrow and will turn into a lie and should have, could have when you're. When you're too deep in I rather ask it now versus finding out the ugly truth later. Pat from all the way from Atlanta said blow the whole Blow the whole shit out the water. Is she the only one that doesn't know what's going on to everyone to kiss ass and leave because this taking his side and leaving her in the dark dark because they take his side and leave her in the dark. Zakia, she replied to Kate's comment. She says this is so true. In my new relationship we place the most high first respect one Another, and the rest has to just be falling into place. You become best friends when you communicate well and trust is established. Also, you should not place yourself in a situation when you know it's going to affect your partner in a bad way. [00:12:51] Speaker A: Yeah. Oh, that. That's some good. That's good dialogue. Yeah. [00:12:55] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:12:56] Speaker A: Those are really good comments. [00:12:57] Speaker B: Yeah. Tiffany said, whoo, this one is heavy. If it were me, I'd protect my peace first. Secrets like this grow tension and eat you alive. She needs to sit her brother down privately and let him know she already knows what's up and she wants honesty and answers. As for the boyfriend, I wouldn't confront him until you've heard the truth from your brother. Once you open that door, there is no closing it. At the end of the day, if multiple people around you are acting weird, there's definitely something going on. Sharonda, I'm. I'm. I'm a kind of deal with it now rather than later type of person. Time waits for no one, and my time is valuable. If later was an option, then your friend should have kept it to herself until later. Don't bring me anything you're not ready to fully discuss. It's mentally draining to bring it up something halfway. Then say, I can tell you, but never mind. Speak on it now and it. And it will save you the headache later and help you with your. Your decisions since proposal was mentioned. Is your friend's loyalty more valuable to you or your brother? That's. That is. That's. That's a good one. [00:14:11] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:14:13] Speaker B: And. And Sharonda is like, I'm one of those people too. Like, don't tell me, hey, I gotta talk to you. And then. But later. Yeah, no, don't do it now. Yeah, yeah, like. Or, hey, I can only tell you this because I promise such and such that. No, they don't say. Don't say nothing to me. [00:14:29] Speaker A: Yeah, just don't say nothing. [00:14:32] Speaker B: I'm good if you say nothing. Like, there's no strip. There's no. There's no nothing off my bag. There's no nothing. Yeah, just. Just go do you over there. [00:14:40] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:14:41] Speaker B: And leave me alone. [00:14:42] Speaker A: But like, one of you know, the other one father said it's mentally draining. You know, you're providing this information. But then it's so me so much of the, you know, other information that really provides just someone understanding the full picture. Yeah, it's so much of that missing. So it's like. No, that's mentally draining. It is, yeah. [00:15:08] Speaker B: Sonny, this is the last one we're going to read. We got a bunch of them in here. That's why you got to join the relationship status chat group. Just go search for relationship status chat group. Group chat. Sorry. You'll find it. [00:15:17] Speaker A: Oh, juicy. [00:15:18] Speaker B: Oh, it's juicy in there. Sunny says, hey, y'. All, thank you for sending this in because. Woo. This is a situation first. Your intuition is already telling you something. You don't need every detail to know that there's a secret being held about your relationship that directly affects your life, your emotional safety and your future. And right now, everybody has information but you, which is unfair and honestly disrespectful. I personally wouldn't sit and wait. I would have a calm, direct conversation with my boyfriend. Something like this. There is something serious, quote unquote. There is something seriously concerned serious concerning you. And both my brother and best friend are aware of. And I do not feel comfortable being the only person left in the dark. I need to know the truth now before we move forward with anything. No accusations, no yelling. Just straight truth and boundaries. Because if he freezes, deflects, gets angry or refuses to talk, that's your answer. And if your brother was trying to protect you, he might feel safer opening up after the truth is on the table. But sitting and pretending everything is normal while your stomach is in knots. That's how people lose themselves. So, yes, confront your man. Not with assumptions, just clarity. Your peace is greater. Is way more. I'm sorry. Your piece because she had the greater sign. Your peace over everybody else's privacy. [00:16:40] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah. Beautifully stated. [00:16:43] Speaker B: Oh, shoot. We got two more. I'm sorry. All right. Roof shouts out we call her Naomi. Ah. See you at homecoming. Well, I don't know. I might be at homecoming. Not sure. How do you know it? Quote unquote. Could even go to court. If no one has told you exactly what the something serious is, why wouldn't your brother come to you? Maybe the brother is waiting for confirmation, that's why he hasn't told you. If something sexual between your boyfriend and your brother, wouldn't your brother have already told you in the past four years? That's a valid question. You didn't have to tell us about your boyfriend's sexuality. Because I'm sleeping with your brother? Wouldn't be. Wouldn't be a court case. Was it to sway our judgment for of him? That's a good. That's insightful, Nate. Oh, that's insightful. Your brother and best friend should have zipped their lips if they weren't going to give you all the information. Unless you were going to sit them all down and ask why they're all keeping secrets. Then leave it alone. Unless you're willing to do that, just leave it alone. But that is a good point. Like I've always said, when people, when people write these letters in, we're getting their perspective or their point of view. She didn't have to put in there that the boyfriend was bi or guess or did she, for context, that her brother is gay and she's trying to make assumptions. I guess. [00:18:00] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:18:00] Speaker B: But was it to sully our, like, his reputation with us, like to paint him in a bad light so we would kind of give her tainted. [00:18:09] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:18:10] Speaker B: Advice. [00:18:11] Speaker A: You know what we don't know what people. Motives. [00:18:14] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:18:14] Speaker A: So that story, you know, at the very beginning, I was like, oh, chaos. Like, it's just so many different parts of the story. And then there's so much. There's so many parts, but then there's so much that's missing. [00:18:27] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:18:27] Speaker A: You know, like. And so for me, it's like I don't even have enough information to go to golf. Yeah, yeah. [00:18:34] Speaker B: It's a lot. It's a lot. [00:18:35] Speaker A: Yeah. But I think that you. In the very beginning, like, listen, everybody get together, all right? And like, just dealing with it head on. Because there's no, you know, we talked about marriage in the last show, and I think that if you, Even if you are thinking about. Because let's be honest, there are some just like there. There are men who date and marry women who have, you know, been gay or bisexual. So people, you know, just because a man might be bi, that's not like, to some. Some women that may not be. I'm not marrying him. Like, okay, he can may, you know, maybe that he experienced it and maybe, you know, he's selling his significant. I mean, his girlfriend. I'm just letting you know that I did try it, but you don't have to ever worry about that again. They're. They're conversations like that. So perhaps like, the use she. That could have been thrown in there to kind of sway our idea of him, you know, like you said, that was insightful. But it all boils down to deal with it head on. So if you are listening and you wrote this letter, deal with it head on. I think that that is the only way to have peace, to not, you know, be concerned about is this person, you know, betraying you or anything. Just say, hey, like something happened. This person know. That person know. I'm the only one that don't know. [00:20:02] Speaker B: I'm the Only person that don't know. [00:20:03] Speaker A: What is the deal. Because I'm not going to be moving forward making any decisions and I'm in the dark. I want to make informed decisions about my life and essential especially the decision of, you know, marrying someone so, you know, it could not even be rooted in something that's like sexual even a thing. [00:20:20] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:20:21] Speaker A: You know, it doesn't have to be sexual. Yeah, it could have been. He was a drug dealer. It could have been. He could have robbed rights, anything. So it's not enough information to really give her solid advice other than deal with it head on, find out what happen and you move forward in your life. [00:20:40] Speaker B: Okay. Yeah, that was great. Yeah, Insightful. We really appreciate you. And if you want to us to tackle your letter, make sure you write it in at R e L S T podcast. Or you could jump in the relationship Status advice group and drop it in there. And we'll be sure to do what we can to help you out as much as possible. Tell the people how to find you. Again, welcome. Oh, first off, thank you again. Thank you again. Thank you again. Definitely appreciate you. [00:21:11] Speaker A: Thank you for having me on the Relationship Status podcast. So was such an honor to be a part of this. So thank you to be in her absence and I thank you for the invitation to come join you and have these conversations. You're welcome. But you can find me at Becoming her with Ashley Martin. I am on Facebook at Becoming her with Ashley Martin. Same thing with Instagram and TikTok. Just leave off the Martin is just becoming her with Ashley and and the podcast Becoming her with Ashley Martin. We love your support and thank you guys for having me. [00:21:49] Speaker B: All right, thank y' all for tapping in once again to Relationship Status. Shabboy Yousef in the building. And we are out. Peace Sample SA.