October 11, 2023


140th Lunch Date: My Man, My Man, My Man

Hosted by

Yusuf In The Building C.L. Butler Nique Crews
140th Lunch Date: My Man, My Man, My Man
Relationship Status Podcast
140th Lunch Date: My Man, My Man, My Man

Oct 11 2023 | 01:07:29


Show Notes

Hosts: Nique Crews, C.L. Butler, & Yusuf 


On Today's episode, Yusuf is joined by Fraronda and Auriel. The crew discusses the significance of homecoming, particularly at historically black schools like Wilson High. They reflect on the strong bonds formed through generations and how school spirit is an essential part of their community. The episode also introduces Ariel and Vaughn's upcoming podcast, "Loyalty over Clout," focusing on real-life issues with an emphasis on loyalty.

They continue the discussion by delving into the topic of cheating in the getting-to-know-you stage, prompted by a scenario from the hit Netflix show "Love is Blind." They discuss whether past infidelity should be a deal-breaker in a current relationship and debate the motivations behind cheating. The hosts highlight the generational differences in how relationships are managed today compared to the past, emphasizing the importance of communication, trust, and the willingness to work through issues in modern relationships.

The Crew also gets into an advice letter from a listener who is concerned about her fiancé's habit of watching sexually provocative TikTok videos on Instagram. They ponder whether it signifies a lack of attraction to her and emphasize the importance of open communication in relationships. They also mention the challenges of adjusting to parenthood and how it can affect intimacy. The team recommends seeking counseling to address the issue and the need for honest conversations, highlighting that avoiding difficult discussions can lead to more significant problems in the long run.

Yusuf, Fraronda, and Auriel close out the show by emphasizing the importance of communication in relationships, especially when dealing with insecurities and conflicts. They suggest that the couple needs to sit down and have an honest conversation, seeking the help of a neutral friend if necessary. They also highlight the distinction between giving advice and telling someone what to do in difficult situations. The speakers stress the significance of personal growth and healing to maintain healthy relationships.


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Episode Transcript

[00:00:04] Speaker A: What was CEO down here for? [00:00:07] Speaker B: To record. Coming to record. And then we had to finish we had to finish setting up the studio finish set up the studio at Wilson. Like, put the stage down and finish up the soundproofing. But when y'all said because we we both going up to Spartanburg for camp tomorrow. But we was leaving today, and he said there's some stuff he could be doing up there. So when y'all were like 06:00, he was like, yeah, no, I'm gonna go ahead and head up the all right, y'all ready? [00:00:39] Speaker C: Yep. [00:00:39] Speaker B: No music. We're just gonna go right into it and then I'm gonna introduce y'all just like normal. But it's just no music. I have to put it on later. Let me get my okay. Let me get my little trusty notes up because all right. What is she doing? [00:00:58] Speaker C: I don't know. You SIS in the seat and her earrings and the lollipop. She is at house. [00:01:11] Speaker A: I don't think I'm used to this whole recording thing because usually this would. [00:01:14] Speaker C: Not I'm glad we. [00:01:17] Speaker B: There you go. You go right there. [00:01:22] Speaker C: No, that is not what she said. [00:01:24] Speaker B: So you're going to crawl in? [00:01:25] Speaker C: Don't want something to crawl. [00:01:27] Speaker B: Oh, yeah. We ain't got no problems. They stay outside no matter. [00:01:33] Speaker A: Don't think they had no problems until they had no problems. [00:01:36] Speaker B: They stay outside. All right, let's go. [00:01:39] Speaker C: Okay. That girl meditating. You better get it again. [00:01:44] Speaker A: Try to get my mind right. [00:01:47] Speaker C: I hate embarrassing. [00:01:50] Speaker A: Just won't be able to use it. [00:01:52] Speaker B: It'll be used. All right. These outtakes going to be used too. [00:01:56] Speaker C: All right. [00:02:00] Speaker B: Ready? Three, two and welcome back to Relationship Status. It's your boy Yusuf in the building. And remember, you can catch us on all podcast platforms. Remember to like, share, follow, and five star rate. And if you want to join the conversation, email us. Relstat [email protected]. That's r e because she heard the same thing. T-A-T [email protected]. And as you notice from the video, this is not Nick or CL. It's not Ariel and Ferranda from the Perfect People podcast. We have a big announcement, too, coming from whoop? And we was hoping to have a big announcement from Won't. She won't she won't sign the contract. Ferranda won't sign the contract. [00:02:50] Speaker A: I have to be able to move in and out flow. [00:02:53] Speaker B: But we say we're working with you. [00:02:56] Speaker A: Why I got to sign a contract? [00:02:57] Speaker B: Because the contract ties you in. For how long? It's indefinite. [00:03:04] Speaker C: Because that's a scam. [00:03:08] Speaker A: Not indefinitely. [00:03:09] Speaker B: Yeah, just a little bit. [00:03:11] Speaker A: Not a commitment fold. But I need to have an end date. [00:03:14] Speaker B: Oh, yeah. No, she prayed a commitment. [00:03:17] Speaker C: So let's going to change that. [00:03:22] Speaker A: Let you have it. [00:03:23] Speaker B: You let me have it. [00:03:24] Speaker A: On today on today shout out to Wilson High School. [00:03:30] Speaker B: Oh, yeah. Today is it is homecoming this week. It was homecoming this weekend. Oh, man. That means this episode got to come out Monday. All right. So it was homecoming. So me as an outsider, I stayed out of the fray. I had to go to work. I had to work the football game. I did that. [00:03:50] Speaker A: We enjoyed the football game. [00:03:51] Speaker C: Keep score. [00:03:52] Speaker B: No, the kids that have the podcast at the school. [00:03:56] Speaker A: Oh, yeah, you did say that. [00:03:57] Speaker B: Yeah. They mic up the players during the game and video record them. They take pictures, and then we're in charge of the social media posting. So the kids take the pictures, they bring them upstairs. Another kid puts them on the computer and then creates the graphic and then posts it to all of the Wilson social medias. [00:04:17] Speaker A: So when they're Micked up, when do you hear that? [00:04:20] Speaker B: That comes out, like, the following Monday. So there's some on. If you go to their YouTube channel, tiger Town podcast on YouTube, you can see a couple of them Micked up. Coach Q was Micked up one week. One of the volleyball players was Micked up. Jiren waiters, he was Micked up. A. So that's what I did. And then the score was what? It was at halftime at the friend of the first quarter, and I was going to hang around. And then they fumbled and they returned it for a touchdown. And I was like, yeah. And then one of the kids that came, he was like, yeah, Coach, I'm not doing this anymore. I was like, I don't blame you. He said, I'm going to go enjoy homecoming. I said go ahead. Do what you got to do. We got enough pictures. I said, Just text me the scores as they happen because I'm leaving, too. So I was walking to the car, and all I did was walk all the way out. Touchdown south Florence. I was like, but they just got the ball. [00:05:13] Speaker A: Okay, so we can move on from that conversation. [00:05:15] Speaker C: He was going to keep going. [00:05:17] Speaker B: I'm still going to keep going. [00:05:17] Speaker C: We don't need a play by play. [00:05:20] Speaker A: You understand? [00:05:21] Speaker B: That's not their strong suit. [00:05:22] Speaker A: Well, we still hold down homecoming no matter what. [00:05:25] Speaker C: No matter what. [00:05:25] Speaker B: Which is OD to me. [00:05:27] Speaker A: No matter so OD, you are guaranteed a good time. [00:05:31] Speaker C: How is it OD and why? [00:05:33] Speaker B: Well, to me, are we supposed to. [00:05:35] Speaker A: Lose our school spirit because we lost a football game? [00:05:38] Speaker B: No, I just don't understand. I don't understand the hype behind this is just any school, any school's homecoming. [00:05:46] Speaker A: I think it's more historic. [00:05:48] Speaker B: Yeah. I don't get it. [00:05:50] Speaker A: It's more historic than it is in anything else. [00:05:54] Speaker B: I get bullied into going to my. [00:05:55] Speaker A: College one for any other homecoming. I'm not for real showing up like that. [00:06:02] Speaker B: But what is it about the Wilson homecoming that really because everybody has school spirit. Like, people at South Florence have school spirit. West Florence. I mean, they all have school. Everybody that's graduated. [00:06:16] Speaker A: I just said it's historic. And it's a historically black thing. It's kind of like the same pride that you have in going to an HBCU, because Wilson High School, all of them, Williams, Norfista, those were historically black schools here in our city. And so that pride is birthed from generations like you taught Ariel generations back have been going to Wilson High School. You talked to me. Generations back have been going to Wilson High School. You can almost trace your lineage through this high school as a black person growing up in so, you know, it's more pride in your people, pride in where it is that we've come from and pride in where we are now. [00:07:00] Speaker C: She said that very well. [00:07:03] Speaker B: She was very eloquent. [00:07:04] Speaker C: I would have said the same thing. All those words, I would have said. [00:07:10] Speaker B: It just like I mean, because I know there's other people who have homecomings, and I've been a part of, like, when I was teaching at Denmark Ola High School, they have a huge homecoming. All those people come back. And so it's not to this degree because their population isn't as big, right? But it means something, and I just didn't even understand it there. I don't know if it's because and CL was talking to me earlier today. He said, you don't have to understand it. What do you need to understand? [00:07:39] Speaker C: Mean, it's like a fraternity or level. [00:07:41] Speaker B: Of awe for, like, I for this. I graduated from my high school, and I think I've gone back once since graduation and just said, hey, how are you doing? And I've been home multiple times. It's just high school. I went, I graduated. [00:08:00] Speaker A: But this is the bonding thing. So, like, whether you go to college, whether you go get your associate's degree, whether you go straight out of the workforce, join the military, whatever it is, the thing that bonds you in this particular thing, especially in a city where there's not a whole lot like you're comparing apples to oranges when you're comparing it to yourself because you grew up in, what, New York? So a plethora of things to do, that's not the case here. Our family is usually the people that we go to school with. Our family's family is usually the people that we're going to school with. So it's more like a family reunion in a lot of ways. Coming home, coming back. [00:08:41] Speaker B: I didn't look at it like that. [00:08:43] Speaker A: Yeah, coming back to where it is that you started your roots. And we have people from all walks of life doing all different types of things at this particular point in time, but this is the one thing, like, we bleed purple and gold. That's going to be the bonding factor no matter what. [00:08:59] Speaker B: Well, my son went to a pep rally. Both of them went to a pep rally. Now, mind you, the both of them wanted to be Red Foxes for as long as left. We left the pep rally, and they were like, I want that. Amir was like, I want to go to wilson. Okay. [00:09:17] Speaker C: I want that. [00:09:17] Speaker B: I said that's the plan if I'm still working, but because you're going wherever I'm working. But let's get into a part of why we're here today. [00:09:25] Speaker C: Yes. [00:09:26] Speaker B: Ariel, you have something coming out, a podcast coming out. Tell us a little bit about it. [00:09:31] Speaker C: Yes. So me and Vaughn. [00:09:33] Speaker B: Who's Vaughn? [00:09:34] Speaker C: My husband. Oh, yeah. [00:09:36] Speaker A: For people who mommy. [00:09:36] Speaker C: Mommy. [00:09:37] Speaker A: Mommy. [00:09:37] Speaker C: Mommy, mommy. And mommy, mommy. But yes, we are starting a podcast called, I was about to say, the first few Podcasts. [00:09:53] Speaker B: I was waiting on that to come. [00:09:56] Speaker C: Loyalty over clout podcast. And that's a brand that we've been working on for a couple of years, and it's basically loyalty. I mean, it says it in its name, loyalty over Clout. Loyalty is something big in our relationship, and Clout is out there. It's everywhere. So we're deciding to put loyalty over Clout. Loyalty over everything, really. So we just real people. Talking about real ish okay. In this not so real world, we talk about everything. We were talking about relationships, we'll be talking about parenting, we'll be talking about friendships, all this other kind of stuff. So it's just a real podcast. And you know me, I try my best to dim it down a little bit, but sometimes I can't help myself. [00:10:47] Speaker B: You want to turn up? [00:10:48] Speaker C: Yeah. Sometimes I can't help myself. So I try my best to be who I know how to be, and that's me. Yes. So it's going to be a lot of conversations going, some wheels turning and all that kind of stuff. [00:11:02] Speaker B: Okay. What brought you out to wanting to do the podcast? [00:11:07] Speaker C: Well, I missed the perfect people podcast. I know, but unfortunately, sometimes things happen, and sometimes people grow in different directions. So therefore, we had to kind of put a stop to it until all of us get on the same page. Until then, we'll just continue to grow. So we missed that. I actually love podcasting. It's a form of therapy, in a sense. And I just like to talk. And Vaughn, when he did an episode with the perfume pockets, he was like, oh, this is kind of dope. Like, I really like this. And for him to say that, I was like, wow, because he's so was that episode that yous have lost? Yes, it was. [00:12:00] Speaker B: I think. Did I lose it? [00:12:01] Speaker A: Yeah, you did, and it was a brilliant episode. [00:12:04] Speaker C: And then we tried to redo it, and it wasn't as good, but from that moment, he was like, I really like this. I see why you all like doing this. So when it stopped, he was a little piece of sad, too. A little piece of sad. Yeah. We're going to leave it at it. [00:12:21] Speaker B: Okay, plans for it. What are the type of things you guys are going to talk about? [00:12:28] Speaker C: Well, as I stated. [00:12:32] Speaker B: No, I mean more into. [00:12:34] Speaker C: What more would you like for me to say besides relationships? You want to want me say, what were you going to be talking about? [00:12:40] Speaker B: What about relate? Because I mean, there's a lot of different marriage, a lot of different aspects of relationships. Like, you have marriage, you have friendships, you have work, relationships, all of that, those things. [00:12:51] Speaker A: What are you considering in relationships whenever you're thinking about loyalty over clout? Like, what does loyalty look like for you in all different types of relationships, all different types of arenas? And how do you balance it? Because at the end of the day, we all out here are go getters. We all out here trying to do whatever it is that we're trying to do. And so in a sense, we're all chasing that clout, but it can't trump loyalty. [00:13:20] Speaker C: People do it all the time. To us, it goes with every part of life, like when it goes to even your careers, your goals, all that kind of stuff. Okay. If there's something that you're good at, okay, let's even say podcasting. I want to stay true to that. I want to stay loyal to that. Even if the fame, when the fame comes, even if I'm still loyal to that, I'm not going to let the fame I'm not going to let the clout change the purpose of why I'm doing what I'm doing in any aspect. [00:13:51] Speaker A: Okay. And that's on period poo. [00:13:53] Speaker C: Period poo. [00:13:55] Speaker B: You on a hunted. [00:13:58] Speaker A: I'm just being my friends. [00:14:01] Speaker C: Yes. [00:14:02] Speaker B: This much energy. [00:14:04] Speaker C: I got energy. [00:14:05] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:14:06] Speaker A: I feel like I'm not. [00:14:09] Speaker B: You got it today. [00:14:12] Speaker C: That's our baby, though, y'all. We really been working on this life for we didn't realize how hard it was going to be as far as just even the name. We felt so passionate about the name that we didn't just want to throw it out there. We wanted to really think about it, put stuff together, actually do it the right way as far as legalities and stuff like that. And you even have clothes that are coming out with it as well because it's a lifestyle. Loyalty is a lifestyle. You choose to be loyal just like you choose to be everything else. So we just kind of wanted to make it a big thing. And so far everything is going good. Everything is working out okay. [00:14:57] Speaker B: That sounds interesting. So when is the plan for the drop? [00:15:02] Speaker C: Our plan for the drop is what it is. [00:15:07] Speaker B: Okay. [00:15:08] Speaker C: Don't lock us down. [00:15:11] Speaker A: Don't lock us down. [00:15:13] Speaker B: It's been a long time coming. We've been having this discussion for a while. [00:15:15] Speaker C: I know, but this time feels so different because everything was so smooth. It kept being stuff in the way before, and that's another reason why I know. I think I was trying to do stuff. That's my problem, though. I do stuff prematurely because once I get that vision in my head yes, 100,000, I'm ready. It need to happen immediately. So I think that was my issue and so I had to learn those lessons from before and like, okay, back it up a little bit. Take your time, you'll get there eventually. And so that's what I did. And then when I did it this last time, everything was going smooth. It was like we was able to get what we need to get, was able know, do what we needed to do. So I was like, okay, this is the time. [00:15:53] Speaker B: Okay. [00:15:54] Speaker C: So I've been working on know. [00:15:55] Speaker B: Well, congratulations on we will be awaiting the first will, of course. Speaking of marriage, have any of you seen the show Love is Blind on Netflix? [00:16:08] Speaker A: Yes. I gotta watch my last couple episodes. [00:16:11] Speaker B: The new ones just came out. [00:16:12] Speaker A: Yeah, it's like, what, two more and then one out? [00:16:14] Speaker B: Okay. Uh, yes, that's right, because in the. [00:16:17] Speaker A: Reunion yeah, that's the one that's come out next week. [00:16:18] Speaker B: That's the one that comes out next week, I think is the reunion. I haven't seen the new ones yet, so I got a ride to Spartanburg. So I think I'm gonna watch those on the way. [00:16:24] Speaker A: That'll be a good know. I appreciate the fact that, number one, I don't appreciate the fact they don't let all the episodes be out at one time now. [00:16:32] Speaker B: I do appreciate it. I do appreciate it. [00:16:34] Speaker A: Well, I'm going to get your take on why in a second. But I do appreciate that they're really hefty episodes. Like they are an hour or more. [00:16:42] Speaker B: It's not like, oh, yeah, some of the mother shows, 30 minutes, 45 minutes. [00:16:48] Speaker A: This is whack. [00:16:49] Speaker B: Yeah, but no, I said I like it like that because I can binge and still have something to watch next week because I'm a binger and I get upset when I binge and then there's nothing. So then I'm like, now I got to wait a whole nother they don't. [00:17:04] Speaker A: Have to stretch it out for as long. I could see two weeks. Like they stretching this thing out to three weeks at this point. Well, maybe four. [00:17:10] Speaker B: It's going to be four weeks because they dropped three episodes at a time. And then the reunion is last. I did think they came out with this season really soon after last season. Yeah, it was really quick. But it brought me to a question because I was watching it and I take little things from it. First question, do you think that you could be on that show? [00:17:40] Speaker C: I ain't seen the show. Okay, well, the premise of for those. [00:17:45] Speaker A: Who don't know before marriage. [00:17:46] Speaker B: Yeah, before marriage. But what's the show the premise of the show is they get what you've. [00:17:51] Speaker A: Seen it I think you've seen a. [00:17:52] Speaker B: Season of it like ten guys and ten girls, and they put them in separate houses connected by a wall. And then they go on these dates where they go into a room and they cannot see the person. They just go on these dates, getting to know the person, and then they narrow down their field of people that they're interested in possibly marrying, I think I have seen until they fall in love, and then when they fall in. [00:18:14] Speaker C: Love and they ask who do they want to marry? [00:18:17] Speaker B: And then the first time they see each other is when they've already accepted the proposal and they're going to go on this journey together. Do you sometimes run to get the feeling like people race to say it so that they can be on the. [00:18:30] Speaker A: Show, oh, 1000% and not even the. [00:18:33] Speaker C: People that race to do it? [00:18:34] Speaker A: I more so think about the people that do it at the end, or the people that have turned down a proposal or somebody has turned them down, but then they are all of a sudden in love with somebody else and they don't accept somebody else proposal. [00:18:48] Speaker B: That happened on this episode. [00:18:49] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:18:50] Speaker A: So that's when I start questioning things like, you all doing a lot, you all just want to be on the show for clout. [00:18:55] Speaker B: For clout, yeah. Because what's the girl with Uche now? [00:18:59] Speaker A: You know, I don't know nobody's name the girl. [00:19:01] Speaker B: Okay, her. So when she came on, I like to go and search, look at their social medias or whatever, and I went and looked at her social media. Now on the show, underneath her name, it says RN nurse. Right. But if you look up on Instagram, it says singer songwriter. So that's how I know. And then all her pictures are like model pit photos and stuff. [00:19:23] Speaker A: She probably changed that since she's been on the show. [00:19:25] Speaker B: Yeah. So it's kind of like you could tell that she's kind of on the show to be on a show. But it brought me to a question. Uche was talking to her and people are getting to know each other and he asked her if she'd ever cheated and she said yes, she had with her last relationship, she cheated and she said the reason why, I can't remember, but she did. Is that what she said? [00:19:50] Speaker C: She wasn't getting fulfilled sexually specifically. [00:19:53] Speaker B: Yeah. And so he lost it and had an attitude and cut her off, judged her to pieces. And I had to ask the question and I put it on our social media and it was if somebody's cheated in the past, is that a reason to not deal with them? I'll throw that one to you, Ariel. [00:20:16] Speaker C: If someone cheated in the past, is. [00:20:18] Speaker A: That a ariel, you need to automatically know the answer to this question. [00:20:22] Speaker C: What you mean? [00:20:24] Speaker B: Well, is it a deal breaker? [00:20:26] Speaker C: I don't think it's a deal breaker. I mean, if you think about me and Vaughn before we got married, that's what I think you should automatically I. [00:20:34] Speaker A: Wouldn'T even necessarily do. [00:20:37] Speaker C: Mean but that doesn't mean that I'll cheat now because I cheated then. [00:20:46] Speaker B: Yes. So you could look past that in a person. You could look past I mean, how. [00:20:51] Speaker C: Many times we talking now? Are we talking about. You're a habitual cheater. [00:20:55] Speaker B: Does it matter? [00:20:56] Speaker A: Yes, it matters. [00:20:57] Speaker C: Okay, now come on now. Somebody cheated. [00:21:00] Speaker B: So what if the person lies? Because people can lie. They can say, yeah, it was only once, but they did it to every girlfriend. [00:21:06] Speaker C: Well, I feel like with time, it'll tell he can only keep up with it for so long. [00:21:10] Speaker A: True. [00:21:11] Speaker C: And usually habitual cheaters. I just don't know. Now, that one I can't look past. If you've cheated on every ex girlfriend that you've had now come on now, that means you're definitely going to do it to me. I'm going to be numbered. Whatever. [00:21:27] Speaker B: Unless the person has grown and they're in another place. [00:21:33] Speaker C: I mean, it's possible. It's possible. But somebody who has cheated on every girlfriend and I'm expecting them not to cheat on me, that's like expecting somebody who steal a lot not to go in the store and steal. No, I might can't look past that. But then, like you said, what if they lying? And what if they say it's only one? [00:21:53] Speaker B: Yeah, I just don't feel like you really know how many times it is that they've done it. I think the fact should go into it because even in that particular situation, I thought it was kind of she didn't have to tell them that. What about you ferrand a deal breaker or definitely. [00:22:13] Speaker A: And first off, even if it was a deal breaker for me, I would not have taken it as far as he did because he was downright mean to her, as if she had done it to him, which would have triggered for me a red flag of, oh, you got some insecurity. [00:22:27] Speaker C: Right. And now you're going to be accusing. [00:22:29] Speaker A: Right. And so whether it had been done to him in the past or he's done it to other people or whatever, that was more of a reflection on him for me than it was on her dealing with her past because no, I think we all do something in a relationship for the relationship to no longer be. We put a whole lot of emphasis on cheating for whatever reason, but there's a reason why you have exes, period. So if you're going to judge that and you need to judge if they lied and that's why the person broke up with them, like, okay, judge that too. If they, I don't know, robbed a. [00:23:06] Speaker B: Bank or a serial breakup. [00:23:08] Speaker A: A serial breakup or a serial relationship. Person just likes the freshness of relationships or just jumps from one relationship to the so there's always a reason. [00:23:20] Speaker C: She was not fulfilled sexually. She had to get it from somewhere. [00:23:25] Speaker A: And she showed remorse. [00:23:26] Speaker B: Yeah, she was very honest. She said she was remorseful. She said she was wrong. She said that. I think she said she didn't apologize to the guy. [00:23:34] Speaker A: Yeah, I don't think she said he didn't know. [00:23:36] Speaker B: Yeah, she said he didn't know. [00:23:39] Speaker A: So she eventually broke up with him. Because of it. His whole thing was, why didn't you break up with him before? Why you even put yourself in a situation very judgy. [00:23:49] Speaker B: And what's funny is what came out about him later, the episode. But we had just a couple of comments here. Annie Lee, I can never pronounce her name, right? She said, depends on the details in the context. Does it matter why they cheated? Let's say they're not a serial cheater. [00:24:10] Speaker A: Oh, okay. [00:24:11] Speaker B: Let's say they're not a serial cheater. She said it depends on the details in the context. Does it matter why he cheated? Or she to me or whatever it. [00:24:19] Speaker C: Is, you like, yeah, right. To me, got to be inclusive. Yeah. It matters because I would want to know what made you cheat? What was it? Because sometimes, yeah, it could be the person, but it could also be me. What did I do? Was I not fulfilling you sexually, or was I not listening? Or was I not whatever you were trying to find while you were cheating? What was it? I would like to know. [00:24:53] Speaker B: How about you? [00:24:54] Speaker A: It's interesting because we often hear that for men, cheating is very different than for women cheating. And I think as women, we are always searching for the why, because we know that if we cheat, there's a deeper meaning behind it. Like most women are not just out here cheating just because I said most. I didn't say all. But I believe that there is a world for men to just cheat and it not have anything to do with their partner and everything to do with who they are. Yeah. I think a part of conquester or whatever else, I think a part of. [00:25:28] Speaker B: Cheating for the majority I'm not going to say all, but for the majority, I think a part of cheating is just you. Just you. [00:25:40] Speaker C: It's a selfish act. [00:25:41] Speaker B: It's a selfish act. You had time to think about it. You didn't think, well, yeah, you didn't think that all the way through. Because I feel like when you do it, you're hurting somebody else. And it's completely, like you said, Ferranda, just a selfish act that is difficult to come back from, because whether I cheat or she cheats, I'm out because I'm done. Because if she cheats, I can't deal with not trusting her. And then if I cheat, I can't deal with her not trusting me. So I just think we all need to be separated and just do that before you cheat. [00:26:24] Speaker C: Then. [00:26:27] Speaker B: I think for some it's difficult because, you know, to a certain degree, that what you're getting into, you're not going to leave your relationship for. Why do it? [00:26:42] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:26:44] Speaker B: I had a conversation. I somehow ended up in the middle of a conversation the other day with these young ins. They're about 25 years old, and I call them young ins. And one of the girls was like, she said it was something about cheating and that she couldn't take a guy if he cheated, she would take him back because she would cheat back on him. And I'm just going, it's too much. And I'm just like, what? Why is that even a thing? Why not just break up and move on? If he cheated on you, just break up with him and move on. And then just to show the immaturity of the group, well, what if he got money? And I was like, what does that matter? [00:27:38] Speaker C: Why are you not making your own money? [00:27:41] Speaker B: And that was my response. And the retort was, I want his money, too. I was just like, but it's just funny. [00:27:52] Speaker A: This new generation just does relationshiping. That's not a word, but I'm saying it relationshiping differently than they don't pass. [00:28:02] Speaker B: That's the thing. They don't. [00:28:03] Speaker A: Well, I think that they do because at least before it was a cover up or on the face, I got to seem as though it's a respectful type situation. Like, I'm not out here trying to embarrass you, but this whole get back thing, while, yes, I do agree that people have been doing that for ages, a very long time, but actually coming in with that being the thinking, I feel like that's just so different. And relationships are a whole lot it's a whole lot easier for us to let relationships go now than I think in the past. So anything goes because I know that I always have a way out. [00:28:52] Speaker B: Well, I think that's more so because of the dynamic of the generation right before in that divorce is so easy to get to. Like I said, my next marriage, I'm not divorcing. I don't care what happened. We going to figure it out. [00:29:08] Speaker A: You just said if they cheat, then you out. [00:29:10] Speaker B: No, the caveat is marriage. I'm talking about, like a relationship marriage. We can go to counseling. We could do because I think if you're going to put yourself in that position, then you got to figure out what the issue is. Something has to be going on somewhere, because marriage is just a whole nother level one. I think that that's why it's taken me so long to get into another one, because it's just so serious to. [00:29:34] Speaker C: Me, the part that you said, and I'll be married nine years come January, but let me change. I am not going to stay in no marriage. No, like what you said, that'll be your I mean, that's you yeah, you great, but me? [00:29:51] Speaker B: What if it was a mistake? [00:29:52] Speaker C: What if it's no, but listen, you're saying that you will stay in the marriage no matter what. You go to counseling. If this person continues to continue to behave what? Then you going to get out of that marriage? [00:30:04] Speaker B: If they continue to behave in a yes. [00:30:05] Speaker C: Okay, because there is no you being a look, I agree with you. [00:30:11] Speaker B: No, I just feel like it's only. [00:30:15] Speaker C: So much you can so much. You can outside of repeating yeah. [00:30:18] Speaker B: Repeat repeated behavior. [00:30:19] Speaker C: Anything that can bring the marriage to a demise. [00:30:26] Speaker B: I guess money issues would be a problem. [00:30:28] Speaker C: Yes. And then what if it's continuous? And what if it's something you're dealing with over and over and over and drugs. Drugs. Look at there. See that's over. [00:30:36] Speaker B: Oh, yeah. [00:30:37] Speaker C: There's a lot of things. [00:30:42] Speaker A: Ariela helped you to have a revelation. [00:30:45] Speaker C: Don't know what he just said. Not right. [00:30:49] Speaker B: Because I didn't think about the and that's what thing. [00:30:53] Speaker C: When people get married, they don't think about those things. Me getting married at whatever age that was, whatever, nine years ago, and I'm 31, I wasn't thinking about those things. And I hear a lot of people say, oh, I'm not ready for marriage. We're not ready for marriage. I wasn't ready for real, neither. I mean, I say yes, but I wasn't ready. And sometimes I wake up today and be like, dang, am I ready now? Am I ready today? I don't know if I'm ready yet. Still. I won't all of that be miserable. I will not. [00:31:31] Speaker B: Got another one. Doc said not a deal breaker. Unless it's a crazy character type thing, like cheated with a sibling or something like that. [00:31:41] Speaker C: Oh, my. [00:31:44] Speaker B: Sibling, my homeboy. Profound. No, we all make mistakes in that situation on the show. It was years ago. He made a big deal out of it, but he got shady tendencies. Yeah, we found out the real him. [00:32:00] Speaker C: I feel like that's why he made a big deal out of it, because he know. I don't even know what happened with him. [00:32:04] Speaker B: Well, his ex girlfriend was in the house and they didn't tell nobody. And apparently they still had feelings for each other. And I ain't even got to the new episode yet when all of that stuff goes to a head because she start acting up. And then the girl who he was dating was actually confiding in her. Oh, it was all was actually she was actually confiding in her when she would come back from the dates and complain about Uche and what he would say or what he would do, and she would console her and talk bad about him and try to get her to not want to deal with him. I don't know. She ended up leaving with somebody else. So that's why I'm kind of anxious to see what the rest is. And then last one, kevin said, People can change because I sure as hell did. So that's big. [00:32:57] Speaker A: Well, I'm confused. So were they answering the question from this standpoint of being in a relationship. [00:33:03] Speaker B: And getting in a relationship? No, it was as a deal breaker. When you're in the courting stage and the person tells, they relate to you or when you talk and you ask these questions, certain things I don't want to know. So I don't ask. I don't ask your body count. I don't ask if you cheated. You're here. I don't really care about that stuff. That stuff is your past. Whatever character you are will eventually reveal itself. May discuss money, habits and stuff like that, but as far as past relationships, I'm really not too interested. [00:33:39] Speaker C: So if it reveal itself later on, what if you all have been in a relationship for a while, not reveal itself, but if you would have asked the question at the beginning and got the answer, you wouldn't have wasted your time. [00:33:47] Speaker B: But my thing is, does a person body count? Is it going to matter to me? No. [00:33:52] Speaker C: Well, what some of those things that you say you don't want to know, but what if it comes to be a problem, you don't want to know the cheating part. [00:34:02] Speaker B: Like if she cheated and if it's in a relationship, yeah, I'm done. So, I mean, it's over at that point. They could have lied. We could have a conversation and they could lie about that. A person doesn't have to tell you the truth when you're getting to know them. That's usually when they lie the most. Usually unfortunate, I say usually you meet the representative. [00:34:28] Speaker C: Guess. I mean, yeah, I can say I did maybe didn't lick my fingers as good when I was eating my chicken with Vaughn at the first time, but I still was myself. Like, I still. [00:34:40] Speaker B: Busted chicken diet. [00:34:42] Speaker C: You know how we be like, I'm going to eat with a fart. That was not me. I'm still going to pull my chicken off the bone. People be like, oh, I don't pass gas. Day two, if I have to pass gas. I'm not going to be uncomfortable to please you because of the fact that if we supposed to make this if we supposed to be cool or whatever, I'm not going to say I didn't talk nice or maybe I wasn't. I probably did, but for the most part I was me. [00:35:17] Speaker A: Relationships, yeah, too complicated for me. [00:35:22] Speaker B: We have a complicated letter from somebody. Yeah, put your listening ears on. So my fiance and father of one year old son has been watching lots of provocative TikTok videos on instagram of women with large breasts, literally many of them bouncing up and down this surface. When I saw his search was covered in them. It's incredibly hurtful to know he told me he loved me every day while also admitting he fantasized about being with many of these young girls in their 20s. We're in our mid to late thirty s. Is it overreacting to feel like he's been betraying me with this activity or is this something that should rise a big red flag? He says he truly loves me, is very sorry he hurt me, only did it for sexual entertainment, knows it was wrong and won't do it again. But it hurts so much to know my body doesn't turn him on anywhere near as much. If he's been filling the gap with all of these clips of other women and getting turned on by them. Please help. It's been over a week since I found out, and I can't figure out how to get past this. Our son is involved, and I want to do what's best for our family. I just don't know how concerning this should be in this new digital social media change world. What should I do? [00:36:48] Speaker A: That's a lot. [00:36:49] Speaker C: Our fiance is watching TD bouncing videos. That's what it was. [00:36:56] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:36:56] Speaker C: Okay. I want to make sure I had that. [00:36:58] Speaker B: He's watching sexually provocative videos on social media. [00:37:04] Speaker C: The part that kind of had me. And I'm just asking a question because my wheels are still turning. It's taking them a little longer today. I bet. So him watching those videos means that he is not attracted to her. That's how she's taking it? Yes, but that's not necessarily always what it means. I'm asking because I'm trying to figure this out. [00:37:31] Speaker B: No, I don't think it's necessarily what it means. We're in an age where if you scroll, like if you're on Twitter and. [00:37:38] Speaker A: You scroll, there's a difference, though, between you scrolling. That's what you happen upon, and you. [00:37:43] Speaker C: Actually on your search. Right. [00:37:45] Speaker A: You seeking that out. And so that becomes the algorithm anytime. [00:37:51] Speaker C: He'S doing it a lot. Yeah. It's not one bows and two bowels. [00:37:56] Speaker A: Because I think all of us have scrolled on social media and at some point saw something that what the heck is happening right now? Like sexy red, that is. And if she show up on my thing because, you know, talking about it. [00:38:09] Speaker C: And you know it's going to show. [00:38:10] Speaker A: Up because that's why you're going to. [00:38:13] Speaker C: Be scrolling and it's a, you know. [00:38:15] Speaker B: Sexy red sex tape out. [00:38:18] Speaker A: But I mean, I just I wonder because I do think it's a dangerous line to start getting sexual pleasure from watching whatever provocative things it is and can lead you to not being as attracted to your wife or having to she said he has to fantasize about other people in order to be with her. [00:38:46] Speaker B: He admitted to it. [00:38:47] Speaker A: Yeah. To me, that sounds like there might be a problem somewhere and it's not even about her. But maybe there's some sort of fetishizing or romanticizing this fake world in a way that is taking him away from his because the honest to goodness truth is he's doing day to day life with this woman. So this isn't a fantasy. Like, this is reality. And then he's going into wherever he's going and then going into this fantasy world and getting whatever it is that maybe he's not getting anymore from his reality. And it sounds like they're new parents, so I think a lot of things. [00:39:30] Speaker C: Could be they need to talk. Right. I feel like my feelings would be hurt as well. My feelings would be hurt and I would just want to dig a little deeper. Okay. So what is it about these things making you. I'm not going to say I'm not changing my body, but what is attracting you to? Is it the titties? Is it because they're extra bouncy? I would try to get down to the bottom of it because like Farana said, nine times out of ten, it's something in him. And then being a new parent is tough. It's a one year old. You're still trying to figure life out. You're still trying to make things work balance. And it seems like they don't have a lot of balance depending on how. [00:40:13] Speaker A: Their relationship was before the kids, that might be a huge adjustment, having to consider somebody else. Now we can't just get up and go. Or if we had this spontaneous life where we went on random trips or did all this other stuff now that it sounds like there's a reconciling of things that's happening and a transition between the old life and the new life, and I don't think there's anything wrong with mourning that. I think the dangerous thing is mourning that and trying to replace it with something that isn't your family. [00:40:42] Speaker C: Right? [00:40:43] Speaker B: Well, I wouldn't say similar case because it's not similar in the sense of watching the stuff. But my ex, when she was pregnant, when she had the kid, her sex drive went from went in the basement, like, totally did not want to do nothing. And it was completely and utterly difficult for me. And as understanding as you try to be, if you go from three, four times a week to once every three, four months, that'll put you in a place where it's like you start to question seeking things outside of your home. And I was married at the time, so I didn't want to go out and cheat, you know what I mean? Because that just wasn't in me. So I had to figure out and at that point, sex wasn't on the it wasn't as accessible on social media because social media was it didn't have all that nonsense on it, and it's difficult. So if that's what happened after the child, was it postpartum? It's a real thing, and it could last some time. And maybe it's a conversation that he needs to open up with her about. [00:42:07] Speaker C: She opened up with him, and it doesn't take a long for your search to be full of what you look at. You can search something a couple of times, you don't know if it's something that's older, something newer, more that he's doing. So I feel like that's why I try to basically have an open line of communication so that when there is a point where something just isn't right, we're able to talk about it and figure it out and be like, okay, what's going on here? Let's get back on the right page. Let's get back on the same page. So they definitely need to converse about it and figure out where to go from there, because it could definitely get worse and then he can act out on instead of watching. He might be touching. [00:42:52] Speaker B: Yeah, and that's my thing. I'm not sure because don't say so in the letter if he's been out of the home, but according to her, it doesn't seem like he has. And I think that that's something that you can build on. I think that they just need to have a conversation. And I know it's a hot button word to say, but seek counseling. That might be something that they need to do because she's saying she doesn't want to. You got a one year old, you're really not trying to walk right and this is your fiance. I don't think he's trying to walk away and I don't think you're trying to walk away. [00:43:25] Speaker A: Yeah, just that simply I think they're both one of the I think the dangerous things about not communicating and something that I've learned over the course of years is that and I think I said this on a couple of podcasts ago, we'll make up stories in our head. So whether it's true or it's not, our human nature is going to always be to fill in the blanks. So for what I don't understand or what I don't know, I'm going to put something in there whether it's factual or not. And it sounds like a lot of stories may have been being built in this situation that do warrant an honest conversation between the two of them. Because if he wasn't doing this before, then maybe something for him has changed in the relationship and he just doesn't feel comfortable enough to address it because I look insensitive or I'm trying to give her time. So his self soothing or his thing that he probably his middle ground to do so that he wouldn't cheat has maybe been to go here. So I think maybe getting a third party to ask those tough conversations and then to be a mediator for whatever the tough responses are is absolutely something that they should definitely consider because I don't get the sense that I think this is way deeper than him just scrolling on social media. [00:44:56] Speaker B: Because it could be that just like you said, and I agree with you there because that's what I was going to say was it could be that he feels like he doesn't feel comfortable enough to talk to you and tell you, hey, you used to swing from the ceiling fan and you're not doing it no more. [00:45:11] Speaker C: He may be not. Okay, so since we don't know, let's fill in some more blanks because I can just think of my personal situation is the way you came at me when you said something. So therefore where I would and I'm really not. So it's like shut all the way down at this point. So maybe that third party, the counselor or therapist or whatever can talk about how you say it because maybe the topic has come up because one year old. I'm sure the topic is, well I ain't getting on it, or whatever. [00:45:55] Speaker B: He might have hinted. [00:45:56] Speaker C: Instead of saying well it's been three. [00:45:59] Speaker B: Weeks, it's been about a month. [00:46:01] Speaker C: Yeah, I come up with compromises. I had to do that with a one year old. I came up with a compromise. Okay listen, you pick a day, pick two, but it ain't going to be seven. We just had to come to a compromise of what maybe I'll trade this for this or I'll do this for that or something to kind of get the wheels back going because of that change that addition to their family. It's a lot of other things. [00:46:31] Speaker A: The woman's body goes through a literal trauma in order to bring life into the world. So there's no way that you don't change on the other side of that in some way, shape or form. And the unfortunate thing is from the man's point of view is that you don't necessarily experience that to that extent. By and large your life doesn't change. [00:46:54] Speaker B: Our body doesn't change. [00:46:55] Speaker A: Yeah, your body doesn't change. And how it is that you are orienting to your body doesn't really shift in that way. And just imagine because a one year old or early stages I'll probably say what, till four or five? They're the neediest that they will ever be in life. And most times that source of need is coming directly from the mom. And so I'm being pulled over here and then I'm being pulled in this direction. You're saying that you want this? And I'm feeling like if she has a job that's a whole other thing. So I think in the quest to not sound or seem insensitive and insecure he maybe has put in a little placeholder and I think that is very dangerous. So I think there does need to be a conversation. Let me just have this caveat. I'm not married. I don't have any children. But from witnessing those closest to me go through similar things, what I noticed is that the problem is not trying to or the solution is not trying to avoid hurting my feelings in a relationship. Your feelings are going to get hurt. If you're in a relationship with anybody, your feelings at some point in time they're going to get hurt because we all have ego and that's what is steeped in a lot of the times. But if you can hurt my feelings and we can come to some sort of conclusion and I can still hear you and we can get to the other side of it, then it's all worth it. But bottling it up and avoiding the conversation and being conflict avoidant is going to have way more serious consequences and repercussions than just saying the thing. I might cry. That might be something that you have to just be ready for. I might cuss that might be my first reaction. I might not hear you all the way, but at the end of the day, the words have come out and now it's the responsibility of the other party to take in what it is that you said because you've said it, but just avoiding it altogether, that's a recipe of disaster. [00:49:03] Speaker C: We forget about that because Vaughn isn't really a talker. So sometimes when we have issues that we come upon, we have to text it out so that way that he can hear me, because he won't hear me if we're talking. And then if it's something that I'm trying to understand, then for me it's talking, so he has to talk it out. So we have to compromise a lot when it comes to communication. So other forms maybe write a letter, hey, this is what I'm feeling, or what if you want to put a sticky note or anything, there's a lot of forms of communication to still get what you need to say across. Hey, I really want to have a serious talk with you. I want our minds to be open and clear. Meet me downstairs bathroom at 03:00. I'm just saying a place when the baby is not their baby, go to the porch or something like that, to where you're still comfortable, but outside of your comfort, where you can still get your point across, no distractions. [00:50:08] Speaker B: A thing I think I saw here too, reading between the lines, it has to do with the child. This is their first child because we have one one year old and you can see with your first kid, it's difficult to learn how to navigate life and your child. And I just think, like you said earlier, Ari, they haven't found the balance of us and our relationship and us as parents, our romantic relationship and then our relationship as parents. And I just think it's a slippery slope without the communication. Like you said, ferrando, when you don't know how to communicate and from what it seems like is it doesn't seem like they've ever really, truly had a good communication. Well, he's probably never felt comfortable saying things to her because I've dealt with somebody once where I didn't feel comfortable just because I was afraid of her reaction and I was terrified of hurting her feelings because I knew where that would send her because of her own insecurities. So that's a difficult thing to navigate and you try to be as honest as you possibly can, but it's difficult because you care about the person and you don't want to hurt their feelings, but you're hurting their feelings more by not addressing your issue. Because. [00:51:27] Speaker C: I know it sounds really good, but it's like difficult. [00:51:33] Speaker B: When you don't want to hurt somebody's feelings, like you. [00:51:35] Speaker C: Hurt them even more, but you're trying. [00:51:38] Speaker A: And I can get it because I'm conflict avoidant too, and not even necessarily because I am trying to avoid hurting your feelings. It's all about my energy. It's selfish, it's about my energy levels and do I really have the energy that is going to require for us to really have this conversation or really to have this conflict? Because that's going to take energy from both parties and before you get to the other side, there's probably going to be a string of things that happen in between. We're mad at each other, there's a silent treatment, there's a couple of other spats or we being passive aggressive and arguing about somebody not putting the dishes in the sink or something like that. But we really mad about this thing that we talked about. I don't know, but I think that's the reason why it's so important whether you're in a relationship or not, for everybody to be on their healing journey. Because all of it at the end of the day stems from our own hurt and our own trauma. How it is that we react or what it is that we react to that has less to do with the individual and more to do with ourselves. And so how is it that we are number one, fighting fair? Because I think that is definitely important. But even more than that, how is it that we are growing ourselves and being and doing better within ourselves in order to be able to be in relationship, healthy relationship with other people? Because at the end of the day, the toxicity starts coming in out of our own individual myth. [00:53:16] Speaker B: So final words, final advice, what would. [00:53:19] Speaker C: You I feel like they just really need to sit down and converse and have true conversation. I don't know their style of communication, but I would do something different to grab attention and be like this is serious, this is something that we really need to handle. Let's try this a different way so you can go at it from fresh eyes, fresh ears, fresh heart and then really see what's going on. Because like we've stated, this is the start of something that could be really bad for their family. So that's what I suggest. They really need to talk about it. They need to be mindful of what they're saying, how they're saying, or if they choose to say write text or whatever the case is. But it's something that needs to be said and something that she needs to hear. Because even though we are going through different things after a baby, we still have to figure out how to melody work through those things. We can't use that as an excuse, quote unquote. So if we know there is a hormonal imbalance or if we know there is depression or if we know there is something going on, then we need to be working on that as well. So we can't say, oh, it's from both sides. I feel like they both have a part to do and if they do that, then they'll get past this and he won't be looking at bounce. Nobody did his bird. [00:54:46] Speaker B: What about you? [00:54:46] Speaker A: For on the final words, everything that Ariel said, I 1000% agree. And it sounds like she has more questions than she has answers at this point. [00:54:56] Speaker B: But they're more about herself, though. It seems like they're more questions about her than about him. Yeah, I think she has an insecurity. [00:55:03] Speaker A: And I think the questions maybe were laying dormant. But now that this has happened, they're creeping up. And so I don't know if these are old insecurities that she thought maybe because we all have that. We think, oh, I'm past that. I'm good on that. And then something happens and we like, okay, I'm not good on that. Need to keep on working a little bit more in that particular area. So one thing I was thinking about was them both just listing out a set of questions, like, what questions do you have in this moment, both for your partner and for yourself, and maybe putting them in a text form and just sending them to each other. And maybe you tackle a question a day. And it has to be a judgment free zone. It has to be like, even if I cry, even if I display some sort of emotion, get mad, get angry, or whatever the case is, I still have to come back. But I need to communicate that I'm feeling this type of way right now. I'm telling you this, I might need to step away. Maybe we need to come back to this conversation tomorrow because I've kind of reached peak. That's okay. That's okay to do. But I think the bottom line is, number one, come back and number two, begin the conversation. [00:56:15] Speaker B: Okay. And my final advice is just tell. [00:56:20] Speaker A: Him to oh, God, he about to. [00:56:22] Speaker C: Say something real foolish. I feel the foolishness. [00:56:27] Speaker B: If he was to have written the show, I would have told him to just go out to the stove, go ahead and put a pole up and lingerie on the bed when she come back and say, shake a tail feather. Shake a tail feather. No. Just as the two lovely ladies have already expressed, I don't think I could add anything else to it. Communication is and I hate using I hate using cliches, but communication is key. I think that just talk to them. And like Ariel said earlier, how you approach me with a conversation has something to do with the reaction you're going to get. So if you're honest and you're respectful with your approach, then his reaction is no longer none of your business. You're getting out what your feelings are and what you're talking, because I had to learn that too. How somebody reacts to what I say is none of my business. I'm doing my part by addressing the situation, by addressing the problem that I'm having in the most respectful manner that I possibly can. So I'm not responsible for how you react, and I can't worry about how you're going to react. Although I've been terrified in the past, I'm learning to do that now as of recent. I'm learning to do that now, but in the past I've been terrified. So don't worry about his reaction, just go ahead and tell him how you're feeling. And it may even be because men it's difficult to get a man as a man. It's difficult to get most men to go to couples counseling to get them to go to talk to a third party, just tell them what's essential for your relationship. And I think that whatever situation you guys need to talk out, you can get through. [00:58:07] Speaker A: And it doesn't have to be a. [00:58:08] Speaker C: Therapist before he no any type of third party. [00:58:13] Speaker A: If you all have a mutual friend that you are both comfortable with, that have your best interest, not these raggedy people out here that claim one thing, but it's not the case, but somebody that you trust with each. Other and trust with your relationship because I know that going to strangers and letting your stuff out, that can be hard. And it takes time to build up that trust. And it sounds like this is something that you all need to start tackling rather immediately. [00:58:45] Speaker B: As soon as you can. [00:58:46] Speaker C: Right. [00:58:46] Speaker A: So if it gets to the place where you all can't really gel with just the two of you all, I don't think there's anything wrong with bringing know a mutual friend, somebody ideally, probably that has gone through this in the past. [00:59:02] Speaker B: I remember talking to a friend of mine, Malcolm, and I called him one time for advice, for marital advice because him and his wife had been married for longer than me, right. And I was on the edge of getting of wanting a divorce and I said, hey, man, I want to give you some he said, I'm going to give you the best advice that my parents gave me and that's to give you no advice. I said, what do you mean? He said, your marriage is not my marriage and my marriage wasn't my parents marriage. We are two different sets of people. We are a whole bunch and it's two different sets of personalities. He was like so I would suggest finding somebody who is not in that same situation but has gone through that situation. [00:59:48] Speaker C: We thank you for your advice. [00:59:51] Speaker B: No, I do, I actually have adopted that. [00:59:56] Speaker C: Well, good. Okay. [00:59:59] Speaker B: I may not be married because I think a lot of times oh, you're. [01:00:02] Speaker A: Saying getting somebody who's been in it. [01:00:04] Speaker B: Been in the situation, but not necessarily. [01:00:06] Speaker C: Okay. We supposed to be, I guess, closing my okay, so think about me and Ferranda, right? Ferranda isn't married, as she stated, but I have gone to Feronda on multiple times about something that I was going through with me and Vaughn. First of all, I don't have nobody else to go to, so I can't go to another married person. So my thing is I feel. Like it's more of going to somebody who isn't biased, who has your good intention, the best intentions at heart, and who's going to tell you the truth. Because some of those times that I had to go to Ferranda, the problem was know, and she was seeing it from just the overall know she's not married. So I'm asking her to help me through this or tell doing what is it? And she's like, well, first of all, you're doing too much. So it didn't have anything to do with the marriage itself. It was me causing the problem in the marriage at that point. So that's what I needed to hear. I needed to know, okay, you are doing the most he's not exaggerating. Calm down, take a second and revisit it. So when I hear people say that it's all fine and dandy, but that doesn't work for everyone because everyone does not have a married person that they could go to. That's not what you said. [01:01:34] Speaker B: He said he doesn't give marriage advice because his marriage is not like he said he doesn't give marital advice because his marriage is not like my marriage. He wasn't going to give me advice because of the fact that his marriage was different. [01:01:49] Speaker C: And no, we're not saying the same. I'm saying it doesn't matter if you're married or if you're not married or if you have the same marriage. Nobody's going to have same marriage. I said that's not an excuse to not give advice, because for what I was saying was that what was going on didn't have anything to do with our marriage. So she gave me advice on me because it wasn't for them, it was because it was me. So whether he went, but I was. [01:02:14] Speaker B: Asking, do I need to get a divorce? And I think that that's where he invoked that well. [01:02:23] Speaker A: And I don't think that there's a difference between advice and telling you what to do. That's number one, because me giving you advice is all right. So you're thinking about a divorce. Why not me? Now, the other side of it is of me telling you what to do is all right, you get in a divorce. Yeah, I don't like her anyway, so go ahead and do it. So I think there's a world where we get those things mixed up, because me giving you advice is not me telling you what to do. Most times, it's probably not even me telling you what I would do in the situation. It's asking the questions. It's being that neutral party, the person that's looking at it from the outside, as Ario was talking about earlier, and maybe being Able to see it from a vantage point that you can't see it in because you're in. It and allowing you to really think about all the things that you need to think about in order for you to make the best decision for yourself. [01:03:19] Speaker C: Right. [01:03:21] Speaker A: I think that's advice and that's what. [01:03:25] Speaker C: They do with therapy. [01:03:26] Speaker A: Nobody should be out here telling folks what to do, because at the end of the day, I don't want that to fall on me. [01:03:34] Speaker B: A lot of people do tell you. [01:03:35] Speaker C: What to do, and that's the problem. That's the problem. But I feel like for Malcolm to say he doesn't want to give you and maybe it's how you worded it. Maybe it was like, Do I want a divorce? Or I don't know, maybe it was something like but I feel like him not I don't know. It's for me. [01:03:57] Speaker B: I respected it and I thought about it and I was like, well, it does have validity. [01:04:02] Speaker C: You had to fend for yourself. That wasn't good advice. [01:04:10] Speaker A: Most times when we're about to make a tough decision about anything, we seek other people in order to validate whatever it is that we are trying to make that decision around. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I think that's how we are built. We're built to be relational people. If I could operate in this world by myself, then trust me, I probably 1000% would, but I can't. And so I think we do a disservice when we say, oh, I'm not going to do this or I'm not going to do that. At the end of the day, you learn through your experiences and you learn through other people whether you're learning what not to do or what to do. It's not from yourself. So, like I said, I think we get it mixed up whenever we're saying or we conflate telling you what to do with giving you advice. I don't think that's the same thing. I can give you advice without telling you what to do. [01:05:12] Speaker B: Okay, well, we like giving other people advice. So please continue to write your Letterism to relstat [email protected]. Ari. Let the people know how they can find you. [01:05:24] Speaker C: Okay. You can find me on social media. [01:05:29] Speaker B: This hasn't changed. This has not changed. [01:05:31] Speaker C: Wherever you can find me, give me 1 second. [01:05:37] Speaker B: This has not changed. [01:05:38] Speaker C: Not one bit. All right. You can find me on Instagram at Au underscore R-I-I-E-E. [01:05:49] Speaker B: I'm going to tell you what's funny. It hasn't changed. [01:05:55] Speaker C: Also on Facebook at Ariel Washington. [01:05:57] Speaker B: Okay. And also look out for the show. [01:05:59] Speaker C: Oh, yes. Loyalty. overcloud podcast. [01:06:01] Speaker B: Coming soon, coming soon, coming soon to theaters here Ferranda. Are you allowing people to find you this week? [01:06:08] Speaker A: If you could figure out how to spell my name, then sure. [01:06:11] Speaker B: Okay. All right. [01:06:14] Speaker A: Don't do the most all right. [01:06:17] Speaker B: You can find me on social media, on Instagram and Snapchat at the 9th Wonder on Facebook. Yoshi english on TikTok. Relstat podcast on X, aka Twitter. [01:06:34] Speaker C: Oh, how about say, what is X? [01:06:35] Speaker B: I am Coachy Underscore. [01:06:38] Speaker A: That's what they call it now. [01:06:39] Speaker B: It's called it's called X. Twitter has changed to X and on threads at the 9th Wonder. Until the next time, y'all, we're out. [01:06:47] Speaker C: All right. Bye. [01:06:52] Speaker A: Oh, Enlightening.

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