248th Date: Love Doesn't Chase, It Leans In

[00:00:00] Speaker A: I think we give good advice. [00:00:01] Speaker B: I mean, we did pretty good. [00:00:02] Speaker A: I think we did pretty good. [00:00:03] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:00:03] Speaker A: You know what I'm saying? Maybe don't write it that long, but. [00:00:05] Speaker B: I felt your heart, man. I felt your heart. I was like, I want to give him a hug. You just said, I want to give him a pass. [00:00:12] Speaker A: I, I am not. I give him some depth. I give him some. [00:00:15] Speaker B: I don't know if I would have given you a hug, cuz it sound like your wife is. Has a lot going on, but I would have wanted to give you a hug. Okay. [00:00:23] Speaker A: All right. Huh? [00:00:35] Speaker B: Try it. [00:00:36] Speaker A: Try what? [00:00:37] Speaker B: In a delicate flower? [00:00:38] Speaker A: I am. I, I, I, I'm a man. I'm not about to be a delicate flower. [00:00:41] Speaker B: Sometimes you have to be a delicate flower as a man. Aren't there times in basketball where you have to be delicate? [00:00:47] Speaker A: No. [00:00:48] Speaker B: Yes, there are. When you trying to do that layup, if you do it too forcefully, I'm trying to shoot your shot. [00:00:55] Speaker A: But I just think, I think you're using the word. The word. I think the word delicate is issue. [00:01:00] Speaker B: I'm having the flower. You don't want a flower? [00:01:03] Speaker A: I don't know. I don't want to be a flower. I definitely do not. Are you recording? Yes. According. I don't want to be a flower. I'm telling you, I do not want to be a flower. [00:01:13] Speaker B: So why don't you want to be a flower? What's wrong with a flower? Flowers produce. [00:01:17] Speaker A: Why would I want to be a. Who wants to be a flower? [00:01:21] Speaker B: I don't think I've ever thought about it. But I mean, I don't. I actually don't want to be anything besides a human being. But if. [00:01:28] Speaker A: Okay, exactly. [00:01:29] Speaker B: So that's like point one. But also. [00:01:32] Speaker A: That's point one. [00:01:33] Speaker B: I. [00:01:34] Speaker A: What's one point one? [00:01:35] Speaker B: Yeah, well, one point one would be that I don't have anything against being a flower. [00:01:39] Speaker A: Okay. All right. I mean, that's the thing. I, I got you. I ain't against it either. I mean, obviously you are, but, you. [00:01:47] Speaker B: Know, can't even be a delicate little flower. [00:01:50] Speaker A: No. [00:01:50] Speaker B: Was it, Was it, Was it question your manhood or something Is. [00:01:54] Speaker A: Oh, there's no question in my manhood now. [00:01:56] Speaker B: Okay. [00:01:57] Speaker A: It's no question in my. [00:01:59] Speaker B: Start this podcast. [00:02:00] Speaker A: There's no question in my man before. [00:02:02] Speaker B: We just go down a rabbit hole. That's not necessary. [00:02:06] Speaker A: All right, y'all, welcome back to relationship status. It's your boy Yousef in the building. [00:02:12] Speaker B: He did it, y'all. He did it with emphasis today. [00:02:14] Speaker A: And I got my partner, crime, here. [00:02:17] Speaker B: I am Ferranda. [00:02:18] Speaker A: And we're back again. We're in the studio. [00:02:21] Speaker B: We are in the studio. [00:02:22] Speaker A: Yeah, we're back. [00:02:23] Speaker B: We're back. [00:02:24] Speaker A: We got. Appreciate all those that tapped in on our restaurant review. Had a good time. It was some good eats. Shouts out to Ari. [00:02:31] Speaker B: Yeah, Ari. [00:02:32] Speaker A: Hey, boo, Belated birthday. So if you ain't hit up on her Instagram, ari.dot. i think. [00:02:40] Speaker B: I don't know, then just go from there. That's all I can tell you. You could also just find about her. [00:02:48] Speaker A: Yeah, you could always just. Yeah, you could also do that. How was your week? [00:02:54] Speaker B: The week has been hectic, and we're actually recording on a Sunday, so it's like we're exiting one hectic week to go into another one. But. But grateful things are moving and, you know, I'm. I'm back in my hometown for Mother's Day week, so I'll be spending the week with my mom. And so I'm excited about that. [00:03:18] Speaker A: Okay. [00:03:19] Speaker B: How about you? [00:03:20] Speaker A: I had a horrible week. [00:03:21] Speaker B: Okay. And a horrible week here to elaborate for us, for the people. [00:03:26] Speaker A: Yes, I'm elaborate. I'm elaborate here. So a couple years ago, I was really into my fitness journey, was making it happen. Two to three workouts a day. Now, you know, you got. [00:03:38] Speaker B: How do you even. [00:03:39] Speaker A: Two workouts and then you go walking and running. I'm. I'm on point. I get sick. Doctor takes me out. One of the worst things you can do in fitness is take time off because it's difficult to get back, whatever that is, back into it. Right. So once. Once you're in, you're in. You go ahead and you just gotta. You gotta ride with it. Right. So I was. I was in one size when this started. And gradually over the last year, I've. [00:04:11] Speaker B: Realized you back in that size. [00:04:13] Speaker A: I'm in a difference. I'm moving up, moving on up. Because I moved down. Because I'd moved down, I had moved down. And so I. I notice it in the mirror a little bit, but I'm supposed to have these two. I'm supposed to have two knee. Certain two knee procedures to help with that. And then I had to. [00:04:31] Speaker B: And that's notorious for making you gain weight when you have surgeries and stuff, because all you can do is sit down. [00:04:34] Speaker A: Yeah. So I'm waiting to do that. And then I had to have two shoulder procedures, which I had this week. So I haven't been able to kind of work to go work out. So last week, I kind of felt I, like, passed myself in the mirror. Like, usually I wear a robe in the crib. I had passed myself. [00:04:51] Speaker B: So you passed yourself? [00:04:52] Speaker A: Yeah, I passed myself in the mirror. [00:04:54] Speaker B: How you pass yourself. [00:04:56] Speaker A: And it was like a side profile, just walking past. And I just had my towel on, and I was like. And I, like, stopped and like, you know, you had to do the reverse little thing. And I reversed back and looked and I was like, no, this is just horrible now. This is just. [00:05:14] Speaker B: That made you have a terrible week. [00:05:15] Speaker A: No, wait, I'm getting to the terrible week. [00:05:18] Speaker B: This is bad business more. [00:05:20] Speaker A: So I said, yo, I'm gonna force myself to work out. Like, forget the pain in my knees, the pain in my shoulders. I'm going to work out. [00:05:27] Speaker B: Did the doctor. [00:05:28] Speaker A: No, I didn't. I did not consult anybody. [00:05:30] Speaker B: Oh, my Lord. [00:05:32] Speaker A: So the two. So week before I go to the gym, two days, knock it out. Boom. I feel great now. [00:05:41] Speaker B: I know your shoulders is probably screaming at you. [00:05:43] Speaker A: Oh, couldn't sleep. My knees couldn't sleep. Because one day was upper body day, other day was lower body. And then in both days, I walked about two miles. Cause, you know, you got to build back up to where you were first off. [00:05:55] Speaker B: You're not building, you're destroying. [00:05:57] Speaker A: You're right. [00:05:58] Speaker B: Like, that's not our building up. [00:06:01] Speaker A: Wait, so this week. So I said, man, I'ma just chill. So I go, it was one of these. I think it was like Wednesday or Thursday. I had my shoulder procedure. They take a needle like that long, stick it in there. There's a piece in my shoulder on both sides that are irritated from when I played football. I separated both shoulders, and it never quite did what it was supposed to do, healing wise. So they go in and do the thing. We good. But before they do this procedure, what's the first thing they do when you get to the doctor's office? They weigh you. [00:06:38] Speaker B: Oh, yeah? Yeah. [00:06:38] Speaker A: Come over here. Let's see your weight. So now my scale at home tells me one thing. It lies to me. So even though I saw this foolishness, I let the scale lie to me. I was like, well, it ain't that bad yet. [00:06:53] Speaker B: Well. Well, wait. So were you taking. When you are at home? No. You probably weigh yourself with no clothes on and stuff. [00:06:59] Speaker A: Yeah, I weigh myself. [00:06:59] Speaker B: No clothes in the morning, but so that. [00:07:02] Speaker A: And this was afternoon. I really hadn't eaten. [00:07:05] Speaker B: But you at the doctor's office, you got clothes on. [00:07:08] Speaker A: Not that much damn clothes. [00:07:11] Speaker B: So I'm trying to help. I'm just trying to help. [00:07:15] Speaker A: So I look at the thing. And I look at the lady, and she's like, yeah, you okay? I said, no. I said, no, I am not okay. [00:07:24] Speaker B: Wait, why did she ask if you were okay? Did you have no. [00:07:26] Speaker A: Cuz the look. Yeah, the look on my face. I looked at her. She like, the hell? What are you doing, Sir? What are you doing? [00:07:38] Speaker B: No. [00:07:38] Speaker A: So needless to say, I had a procedure. They told me I can't do anything for 48 to 72 hours. So I had the procedure Thursday. So Friday, Saturday, I was busy with basketball, so I was like, all right, I'm gonna give it another day. So tomorrow, by the time y'all. As y'all are listening to this, I am in the. Or watching this. I am literally in the gym. I am going to do two workouts tomorrow and walk. [00:08:06] Speaker B: Why don't you. What about, like, changing up your diet and stuff? [00:08:09] Speaker A: No, I'm. That too. Oh, we all did, like, all that. All that one. Like. [00:08:13] Speaker B: Yeah, I did, like, a raw food diet situation a couple weeks ago. [00:08:18] Speaker A: Excuse me. [00:08:20] Speaker B: I. It. It definitely caused me to lose weight, which wasn't as. That wasn't the intent because it was during Lent season. So I was, you know, kind of doing it as part of all of that. But it was. It was really tough. And when I say raw food, I mean. I mean like, no cooked food at all. Like, it was only. Only vegetables. [00:08:40] Speaker A: Yeah. Only fruits. Only vegetables. [00:08:41] Speaker B: Yeah. And it was. It was pretty tough. It lets you know how much we eat. Just stuff that we don't have no business. [00:08:52] Speaker A: I'm gonna do a lot of grilled stuff now. [00:08:54] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:08:55] Speaker A: Rather than. [00:08:55] Speaker B: Maybe you should do it as a cleanse, though. Like, maybe do for, like, three days, do a raw food diet to kind of just reset your. [00:09:00] Speaker A: To jump start. I might. I think that's a good idea. Some salads. [00:09:04] Speaker B: Yeah. You know, no dressing. [00:09:06] Speaker A: No oil and vinegar. [00:09:08] Speaker B: No dressing? [00:09:09] Speaker A: No, just. [00:09:11] Speaker B: I did. Well, I did do some seasoning. So I will put a little bit of seasoning on it. And avocado. [00:09:15] Speaker A: You ever seen the video? I'm actually gonna. You ever seen the video? I know. [00:09:21] Speaker B: I don't know what you're talking about. [00:09:22] Speaker A: It's a little kid, and the mother is Jamaican kid. Mother puts the cl. I know. Cl's cracking up. Cause he showed it to me. He puts the broccoli on. Puts the broccoli on his plate. She said, go on to eat your broccoli. You said, no, me not good. Me not good. [00:09:41] Speaker B: You'll be a goat this week, buddy, because you. You'll be A goat and a rabbit, man. [00:09:46] Speaker A: I'm about to be a goat, rabbit. Everything else until I get this weight. [00:09:49] Speaker B: Off me, man, you got to eat all the things, man, I had to. [00:09:52] Speaker A: Look at that thing. I don't even go to church. And I said, the devil is. [00:09:55] Speaker B: Listen. But yeah, it. I mean, I did it for seven days, but if you're doing it for the purposes of what you're doing it for, they say like, three days will kind of clean you out and get all of the toxic stuff out so that whenever you start back eating whatever you're gonna eat, you're doing it all clean. [00:10:14] Speaker A: Man. Listen, let me tell you something. I. [00:10:17] Speaker B: Because a lot of it is probably water weight. [00:10:19] Speaker A: I'm drinking enough. I need to stop drinking water. [00:10:21] Speaker B: No, I'm not saying stop drinking water. I'm just saying, like, we retain fluids and we don't do things diet wise to actually let go of the amount of fluids that we're supposed to. So it just. Just stays on our bodies. [00:10:36] Speaker A: It's. It's. It's a. Yeah, it's a lot. It's a lot. So my week was. I mean, it got great this weekend. You know, Coach. This weekend. Team went four. No. Had a good weekend. [00:10:48] Speaker B: Oh, well, that's good. [00:10:49] Speaker A: So that's. And I. I ended the week like I'm going into next week on a positive note. [00:10:54] Speaker B: But the. The first part was a little rocky. [00:10:56] Speaker A: Yeah, first. Yeah, that. First right there. About Wednesday. Thursday. Got a little shaky on me. Got a little shaky on me. [00:11:05] Speaker B: Well, we are looking forward to by June. You. [00:11:08] Speaker A: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, just keep watching the show and let's see the transformation. [00:11:11] Speaker B: I will see. [00:11:12] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah. The elevation of Yosh Youssef in the building, the new one. [00:11:20] Speaker B: We're gonna have a. Have a segment called the Elevation of Yosh. [00:11:23] Speaker A: Yep. Yep. Hey, man, you know what I'm gonna do? I'll. I'll post my not me working out. Because I'll see. Y'all finds that so weird. So I won't post me working out. [00:11:32] Speaker B: Oh, so we can be your accountability people. [00:11:34] Speaker A: Yeah, I'm gonna post the actual, like, the workout I do for the day. I'll post it on our relationship status page. [00:11:39] Speaker B: Okay. [00:11:40] Speaker A: And then. [00:11:40] Speaker B: But we're gonna need some. We're gonna need to see transformation pictures, too. [00:11:43] Speaker A: Yeah, I know. I'll do that. I'll do that. [00:11:45] Speaker B: I'll do that. Stand in the mirror, do all the different profiles. [00:11:47] Speaker A: Different profile pictures. [00:11:48] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:11:49] Speaker A: Oh, we. Oh, no, I don't like taking pictures of myself. [00:11:52] Speaker B: We Ain't got nothing to do with it. [00:11:54] Speaker A: I don't like taking pictures of myself. [00:11:55] Speaker B: Well, we want to see the transformation. Live and living color. [00:11:58] Speaker A: That's the thing. Selfies are weird. [00:12:00] Speaker B: I will. [00:12:01] Speaker A: But, you know, every now and then we get a. A listener to write in and we were. We had a letter that came through the email and Go ahead, take it away from. [00:12:13] Speaker B: Okay, It's a little lengthy, so we. [00:12:17] Speaker A: Like a good long. [00:12:18] Speaker B: But you're going to get all the deets, so that's going to be a good thing. So the subject is am I losing myself or just waking up? It says, Dear Relationship Status Podcast. First off, thank you for creating space where real stories can be heard. I've gone back and forth about whether I should write in, but after listening to a few episodes where you all spoke about emotional abuse and men not being heard, I felt like maybe now is the time. I'm a 43 year old man and I've been with my wife for five years. She's 35 and together we have three kids. From the outside, we probably look like a stable, happy family. But inside these walls is a different story. I'm reaching out because I don't know if I'm losing myself or if I'm finally waking up to something I've ignored for too long. My wife is verbally abusive. It's not just the yelling or the insults, though those happen often. It's the way she tears me down piece by piece. She belittles me constantly, questions my worth, mocks my efforts as a provider and a father, and always finds a way to turn every argument into something that's my fault. I can come in the house with peace in my heart and still end up in a storm by the end of the night. Whenever I try to speak up or express how I feel, she says I'm being dramatic or playing the victim. She calls me soft, says I can't take criticism, or accuses me of trying to make her look like the bad guy. It's classic gaslighting, but in the moment, it's hard to even recognize it. Sometimes I genuinely wonder if I am the problem. What keeps me holding on is our kids. They're my everything. I don't want to break up our home. I try to tough it out for them, thinking if I can just hold things together, they won't be affected. But I see it in their eyes. They hear the tone, they feel the tension. And I'm starting to realize that staying for the kids might actually be hurting them too. I'm Tired, I feel alone. And honestly, I'm embarrassed. As a man, I never thought I found myself. Find myself in this kind of situation, being emotionally and verbally abused in my own home. I've always believed that I look, that love should build, not break. But here I am, broken. So I guess my question is, where do I go from here? How do I protect my peace and my kids without losing them or myself in the process? And how do I stop questioning my reality when someone I love keeps rewriting it? Thank you for reading this. Thank you for the work you do. Even if this never makes it to the air, it felt good just to write it sincerely. A. A husband trying to be heard mouthful. [00:14:39] Speaker A: But I felt the. I felt the passion in his voice. [00:14:42] Speaker B: I did. I want to give him a hug. Like, are you okay? [00:14:46] Speaker A: I don't. I want to ask him if he's okay. [00:14:48] Speaker B: You don't want to give him a hug? [00:14:50] Speaker A: No, I do. I do not want to give another grown man a hug. I do not. I give him some. Encourage some encouraging. [00:14:55] Speaker B: Dad, you can give him a hug. [00:14:56] Speaker A: I'll give him encouraging power. No problem. [00:14:59] Speaker B: Part of the. Part of the reason right now, part of the problem. You part of the problem. [00:15:02] Speaker A: How am I part of the problem? I. I use my. A lot of times, I use my personal experiences on the show as we should. And I was once married to someone who was verbally abusive. And she told me something one time, and she said. She said, I was never like this. You made me like this. I've only been like this with you. And recently, we've kind of patched some stuff up and we're able to talk to each other. And in one of the conversations we had, we discussed that comment, and she said that she. She talked to me like that because she didn't respect me as a man. And she was like. Because you weren't doing. Handling your responsibilities as a man. So over time, it just. For her, she lost the respect. So. Only thing I didn't see in the letters is, you know, whether she's lost her respect or was this ongoing. Like, has this been since day one? Because I don't think you marry someone if this is from day one. They're treating you like this from day one. And even for me, in my situation, it wasn't day one. [00:16:19] Speaker B: It was overtime. [00:16:21] Speaker A: Yeah, we dated for. Off and on for about a year and a half, and we were married for three years. And it was in the last year of the marriage that this, you know, started to happen. So I think it was Just a continuous thing. So I'm not gonna. But I'm not gonna put anything on him because his wife calls him the victim as it is. [00:16:37] Speaker B: Right, right, right. [00:16:38] Speaker A: You know, but I do think that he does have to protect his peace and he does have to protect his children from that, because I think one of the things that I saw your kids watch everything that's happening in the house, and I don't know if it's boys or girls, how many boys, how many girls, or if it's single gender or both, but if it's little boys, they're learning how relationship. From what you're going through. So. So they're learning how to be treated by a woman and how you should treat a woman as a young lady. The young girls are finding out how they should treat their husband, how they should respect their husband, how they, you know, how they should talk. And I just think that I won't get into the. What the end result is, what I. What I think he should do in this moment, but, like. Because I think we got to save that for a little bit more towards the end of it. But, you know, I think he really needs to think about how it's affecting the kids first, because nobody wants. First off, I think the divorce rate is too high right now. People are walking away from stuff for menial reasons. But that's what makes it so difficult to say, do you walk away from this? If it's the verbal abuse, the lack of respect, do you. Do you really want to walk away from it? Or do you want to try counseling? Do you want. Do you want to try some other avenues? What do you think? [00:18:21] Speaker B: Well, as I was reading, as you were talking, the. The thing. The first thing that came to mind was hurt people. Hurt people. Right. And that is no excuse for anybody to do anything. Yes. [00:18:35] Speaker A: No, it's not. [00:18:36] Speaker B: Yeah, not at all. And also, it can. It can sometimes be the thing that helps to explain. And of course, it will be a little tough to diagnose this situation exactly, because this is his perspective. We don't have hers. [00:18:50] Speaker A: We don't have her side. [00:18:51] Speaker B: So don't have all the ins and the outs of, you know, to your point, what led up to this, because five years is. Is a fairly short amount of time to be married. To be married and going through this and going and going through this. But I also know that the first few years of marriage. I don't know from experience, but from what I hear, that the first few years of marriage is hard because you are trying to take two Individual people and make them one. And so I'm wondering what, what to your, to the point is you, like, what was the thing that switched. Like, what, what is the, the, the, the thing that made them go from a loving relationship where you wanted to. Because you had to ask, she had to say, yes, y'all had to agree to have children. Like, what's the thing that happened that made this relationship start to become toxic? And one thing I will say about us generally as women is that a lot of times we do things to protect ourselves. And as a defense, when we don't know how to say or if we feel like we've said all the words that we can say and nothing is changing. And so, like, to your point about your ex wife, and you know, she probably felt like, she said, I need for you to pull your weight. And she probably said that for some time before it got to whatever the emotional was, 100%. And so now I'm trying to get a reaction and I'm trying to get your attention. And so stuff escalates as I'm trying to get a reaction and trying to get your attention. And that's when you can sometimes creep into that territory of unhealthy or toxic. And it sounds like that that might be where it is that they are at this moment. [00:20:50] Speaker A: See, but I also think that the consistent. I've never been where he is because even though I went through the verbal abuse, I never, I, I never internalized it, as, you know, I believe what she's saying. Like, I was like, you, you crazy. [00:21:09] Speaker B: You know, I am not bad. [00:21:11] Speaker A: Yeah, I'm not, we are not even doing this. But I, I think that you do have to pay attention to how, and I hate to double back on a point, a previous point, but you got to pay attention to your kids because I think me and my ex wife was going at it one day, and my daughter, I was Bray. Bray might have been three. Bray was three. And Bray looked up and she said, and she, like, walked in. We going out in the living room. She walked out of the room. Mommy, can you please be nice to Daddy? Daddy, can you please be nice to Mommy? And then just walked off. And I, I, I literally found that to be, like, so telling. Like, it touched me. Like, it got to me in that moment, and it also let me know that it was time. This. This can't be. [00:22:03] Speaker B: Yeah. I mean, we're their first teachers. Like, even before God, you know, if we're, if we have a spiritual household, even before God becomes an active part of teaching and developing its parents, because we're all that they know until they're introduced to, you know, any other beings or people or whatever the case is. And so it is so important. And if they are so to the point that you made earlier about like the divorce rate and all this other kind of stuff. And of course, I guess we'll weigh in on what it is that we think that he might want to do later on. Yeah, but, but marriage is hard, and marriage is meant to be hard, and everybody's hard in marriage is different. But I think that there has to be a standard. And whenever I have my standard, you can't cross that line and I can't cross yours. Whatever those boundaries are, whatever the, the, the situation is. And it sounds like there needs to be a conversation where that's reestablished on both sides, because both sides sounds like they are not getting something and it's causing the reaction from her and then causing the reaction from him. [00:23:22] Speaker A: See, and this is. Where does he go from next? And then I started to say therapy, but like, can a relationship like this be salvaged through therapy? For real? [00:23:32] Speaker B: I do think so, because I think that they're. What they are missing are the tools to communicate and then when. And also, are you following through on your word? So if I communicate with you and I say I need this, this, this, and this, and there is reasonable. Let me put that out within, within reason. [00:23:50] Speaker A: Everything within reason. [00:23:51] Speaker B: Because sometimes we'll be asking for stuff and it's like, okay, now you're doing a lot, but, you know, and what I'm asking for is reasonable and you're still not, you know, stepping up or you're still not doing what it is that you need to do, then that's a different conversation. But I would be, I would be hesitant to say it's not salvageable because I, I don't think that there's. There's a lot out here that's just not salvageable. Are, are there things. Yes. Now, you know, it starts getting physical or it start, you know. [00:24:26] Speaker A: Yeah, I think that, I think that's. [00:24:27] Speaker B: Like, that's when we, you know, start encroaching on different types of territory. But I honestly think that they just. They need a third party to help them to really uncover and discover what's underneath it all. [00:24:41] Speaker A: Okay. Now I do think that if counseling is the thing, I think they need to do individual counseling because he needs to rebuild himself. [00:24:53] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:24:55] Speaker A: And he needs to rebuild himself, his self esteem. [00:24:59] Speaker B: And she needs to. [00:25:00] Speaker A: And she needs to. [00:25:01] Speaker B: Yeah, she Needs it for herself too. [00:25:02] Speaker A: She needs it for herself too. Because whatever this defense mechanism is that she's doing, whatever she's doing is coming from somewhere. So she needs to make sure that she is, you know, getting her help. Because if for nothing else, she should at least want to fix it for the kids. Whether you choose, whether you choose divorce or whatever, we still have to be amicable. We still have to be able to respect one another, to be able to co parent. [00:25:33] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:25:34] Speaker A: And you got three kids. I don't know that. We don't know the ages and none of that. But I think that, you know, she's. [00:25:41] Speaker B: She'S going without something in this relationship. [00:25:43] Speaker A: She's missing something. [00:25:44] Speaker B: Yeah. And, and whether it's something that he's able to fulfill or she's going to have to fulfill for herself, either way it goes, there's some sort of emotional turmoil that's happening within her too. And I don't know if she's able to identify it. And maybe, heck, maybe she's being triggered by. [00:26:04] Speaker A: But here's what I'm just thinking something. Here's what I'm thinking. He's 43, she's 35. They've been married five years. They've been different. They were to get. They married five years. They've been dating before that. So she was in her 20s, meeting him. Is it that she feels trapped? [00:26:21] Speaker B: That's a thing. [00:26:23] Speaker A: Because now it's like, yo, my friends out here living 35, that's, that's, that's prime. That's, that's prime. Boots on the ground. [00:26:31] Speaker B: Y. And he was in his 30s, and so maybe what he had the energy for in his 30s, he's lost the energy. Yeah, it's not, it's not the same now that, you know, I'm in this family unit. I have these children, I have, I have these responsibilities. It's not. [00:26:44] Speaker A: So he's treating it as responsibility time. And she may be, you know, and it's not in the letter because it doesn't say she goes out with her friends. But the fact that it doesn't say that kind of lends a little bit to me of, hey, she might be feeling trapped and it might be a situation where you might have to create for her pockets of time for her to go with her friends. And you know, and I think we're just, it's a little bit of speculation, but the fact that it wasn't brought up in the letter that she leaves the house all the time and she goes out with her friends Every woman has friends. [00:27:18] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:27:19] Speaker A: You know, female friends, everybody, whether it's from the church, you know, or even aunties and cousins, you know, you got. [00:27:25] Speaker B: Your people, you have your tribe, you. [00:27:26] Speaker A: Got your tribe of people. And I'm certain that at 20 something, when y'all met and started dating, she was doing her thing, and then she got married, was happy, was the apple, everybody's eye. But now her life has become. She's gone from, you know, girlfriend, friend to mother to mother and wife. [00:27:46] Speaker B: And something very interesting happens for a woman going from your 20s into your 30s, because that is such a pivotal point of. In your 20s, you're defined by everything else, like your friends, your. Your parents, your schooling, your church, your whatever all these external things might be. But as you get into your 30s, you start figuring out, this is what I like, this is who I am. I. And maybe she's starting to have that. And maybe what happened is, yeah, there might be some sort of a. [00:28:23] Speaker A: She's no longer who he married. [00:28:24] Speaker B: Yeah. Yeah. I mean, which totally makes sense because like I said, whenever you went mid-30s, I. And I think I've said this before, maybe not on this podcast, but on some of them, other ones that I've been on, I did not truly start discovering me and becoming comfortable with me until I got to, like, 33 on. I tell folks all the time, if I would have gotten married in my 20s, I probably would have been divorced. [00:28:55] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:28:56] Speaker B: Because I. So much of who I was was not defined by anything that was deeply rooted in myself. [00:29:06] Speaker A: My ex wife, I think I was 30. I was 32. She was 27. I think she was 27. Yeah, 28. Something like that. And you can tell, like, I think that, you know, even in that sense, I wasn't the same person I am today. [00:29:22] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:29:23] Speaker A: Because, you know, you go through stuff throughout the years, but, you know, she definitely is a different person today than the person I divorced, is not the person that I'm cool with today. [00:29:34] Speaker B: Yeah, that's. [00:29:35] Speaker A: We joke about that all the time. Know, like. [00:29:38] Speaker B: But that's a good thing. [00:29:39] Speaker A: Yeah. This here, I don't know you. Like, I don't know you were you. [00:29:44] Speaker B: We might have still been together. You were you back then. [00:29:47] Speaker A: You know what I'm saying? I don't know you. This you is cool. The other one, I don't know. But yeah, all I can tell you is on this first question was, you know, what. What does it go from here? I think that you first, you have a conversation with your wife about how you feel and suggest Some therapy. So just go into couples therapy. [00:30:07] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:30:07] Speaker A: To deal with it. Because you don't want to jump right to divorce. Somebody would tell, hey, I'm gonna go. We're gonna, I'm gonna leave. Go right to leaving. Says, how do I protect my peace and my kids without losing them and myself in the process? Like I said, you start right there. [00:30:23] Speaker B: And I think there's something to even I don't know how old the, the children are, but depending on what their age is, sweeping it under the rug is not the way. [00:30:31] Speaker A: It's not the way. [00:30:33] Speaker B: And so there might need to be like some sort of sit down conversation. And just as well as they are seeing the fallout, they're going to also need to be able to kind of witness some of the coming, the coming back together. [00:30:46] Speaker A: And, and also another point is. And I lost it that quick. What Was that? [00:30:53] Speaker B: That 40 something year old brain over there. [00:30:54] Speaker A: Don't do that. [00:30:57] Speaker B: Give you a second. [00:30:58] Speaker A: Jeez. What was it? [00:30:59] Speaker B: It was probably gonna be so good. [00:31:01] Speaker A: Oh, it was good. [00:31:02] Speaker B: Gym worthy. [00:31:03] Speaker A: Oh my God. [00:31:04] Speaker B: Diamond status. [00:31:05] Speaker A: It was ready on point. I'll remember it when we get to the next session. Get to the next segment anymore. You don't know. But no, just keep. I say it is killing me too. [00:31:28] Speaker B: Okay, well, I will talk and see if to you. But yeah, so you know, just like what I was saying about the, the children, I definitely think that there, you know, there does need to be a conversation and I think that there might even need to be some apologies that's given to 100 the children because they are being put in a situation that's not fair to them. That's actually robbing them of parts of their childhood, a big part. And you know, and that's not something you can give back, but it is something that you can recognize, acknowledge because that's also teaching something to your children and then, you know, allow the space for everybody to get better because you know, mistakes are going to happen in any relationship. But what do we do in response to those is. Is the key. And I think, you know, this is a pivotal learning moment for, for the kids, for the young people at this moment. [00:32:26] Speaker A: Yeah. So go ahead. You got to start with a conversation where like, oh, that's what it was. I was as a coach, I always tell my kids, it's a saying I heard from a college coach, begin with the end in mind. So when you go into this conversation, just it's a simple question. Do you still want to be married? Because we can go through therapy and all of this stuff, we can go through all of this, all of this, and then turn around and it be nothing. Because you don't really. You don't even want to be here. So you're not going to put in the effort that's needed to change the behavior. My ex wife, we was getting counseled by somebody in her congregation. Her uncle, matter of fact, Uncle James. Rest in peace, Uncle James. [00:33:14] Speaker B: No rip a good. [00:33:17] Speaker A: A good bottle of Black Label. Uncle James do anything for you, my Lord. But he was an elder in her. In her congregation. And I've been married 50 something years. And so the congregation, she asked me because I said, yo, we need some help. And I was like, let's go to a therapist. She's like, no, I don't want to do no outside thing. I want to do it with, you know, somebody from the congregation. So they got her. Her uncle decided to do it. And Uncle James was like, you gotta talk to him with respect. You gotta this, you gotta that. And we on our couch talking, listening to him. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. She's talking, he's talking to her. He's talking to me. All right, all right, all right. Uncle James leaves. Two seconds later, cusses me slam out. I said, did you not. [00:34:02] Speaker B: Did you. [00:34:03] Speaker A: Did. Uncle James ain't even in the car yet. [00:34:06] Speaker B: She was like, did not penetrate your brain at all. [00:34:08] Speaker A: And she said, well, he don't run this house, so why are we doing any of this? You know, so. And it's fun. It's. It's. It's fun. It's comical now. Yeah, it wasn't. Definitely, definitely was not good. [00:34:22] Speaker B: But I will also say yes to that question. And because. [00:34:29] Speaker A: Because now we have to. The work. [00:34:30] Speaker B: Yeah, the work. And also, I could be feeling like, no, I don't want this right now because I don't see a clear path forward because we haven't started doing the work yet. [00:34:42] Speaker A: Valid. That's a valid. [00:34:44] Speaker B: And so I, I think it's a good question just to kind of see where everybody's head is. [00:34:50] Speaker A: I think that that's what you gotta do. I think it's got to be because, I mean, I'm not giving you an out in this moment. [00:34:54] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah. So. Because if either party says, nah, I don't want to be married right now, that's still not. [00:34:59] Speaker A: No, because. Because then now we got it. Because I think that gives us a good. Because we're beginning with the end in mind. Now we have. We're starting the conversation where we are to go. And if she goes, yes, but you know, this is what I need. Right? Right. Right now we can start the needs and. And wants conversations to figure out what we both need. [00:35:17] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:35:18] Speaker A: And it may not be something, and it may not be a conversation that. It may not be a question that me and you ask. I ain't gonna pull up to the kitchen table and be like, hey, you want to be married? [00:35:27] Speaker B: It's not, it might, it might need to be pull up to the kitchen table every now and then, be like, let me check. You want to be married? [00:35:36] Speaker A: Are you good? You sure? [00:35:39] Speaker B: I think that's a good check, check in question. [00:35:41] Speaker A: Good check in. [00:35:41] Speaker B: Yeah. I might actually steal the question for whenever I get married. [00:35:45] Speaker A: So. Yeah. So first off, find out, you know, what, what your end goal is as a couple. Ex. Express yourself. Express to her that you, you know, you think y'all need some help. And then I think that's just go from there. And most importantly, keep it, do your best to keep it from around your kids. That's how you protect the piece of your kids. You, you, you can take, you can. You. You don't been married five years, you could tell the temperature. Right, right, right when you walk in the door. [00:36:15] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:36:16] Speaker A: So maybe, so maybe sometimes you got to take the kids for some ice cream. You know what I'm saying? Sometimes you gotta take them over to grandma house for a little bit, you know, so that they, they kind of get pulled out from that situation. Because I have friends who, who have said they've never seen their parents argue ever. [00:36:36] Speaker B: Well. And I don't know if that's healthy. [00:36:37] Speaker A: No, no, I'm not saying it's healthy. I'm just saying there's always been a respect, no argument, not disagreement. I think there's two different things. [00:36:46] Speaker B: You know, it might pop off every now and then. I don't know. Like, I think that, I think that you learn how to argue well by seeing other people do it at 5. [00:36:59] Speaker A: Calling somebody a sorry M.F. yeah, Mama calling Daddy a sorry M.F. [00:37:03] Speaker B: That ain't it. That's not. Well, that's not doing it well. That's not doing it well. I don't know if that's it, but yeah, so I, I, I don't know. I think that I, I definitely think that the starting with the end in mind and having some place to go, and it could be two different avenues. And you could say this up front, like, we are going to either make this work so that we can have a marriage and a relationship that is feeding the both of us, or we're going to work towards amicable, amicably separating so that we can be the best people in versions of ourselves necessary so that we can co parent and continue to operate healthily in each other's lives for the sake of our children. Like those are, those are the two avenues. Those are the two, you know, directions that you could potentially go in. But laying that out on the table I think is important. And then, you know, charting that clear path forward and making sure that getting to wherever it is, but no matter what, becoming healthy individuals that are able to communicate whether you stay together or not is going to be necessary for either path you take. So yeah, I think like you just start there and, and see where it goes. [00:38:11] Speaker A: But man, thanks for writing in. And if you wanna, if you wanna write in and I think we give good advice. [00:38:16] Speaker B: I mean, we did pretty good. [00:38:17] Speaker A: I think we did pretty good. [00:38:18] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:38:18] Speaker A: You know what I'm saying? Maybe don't write it that long, but. [00:38:21] Speaker B: I felt your heart, man. I felt your heart. I was like, I want to give him. You still said, I want to give him a pass. [00:38:28] Speaker A: I am not. I give him some D. I give him some. [00:38:31] Speaker B: I don't know if I would have given you a hug cuz it sound like your wife is. Has a lot going on, but I would have wanted to give you. Okay. [00:38:38] Speaker A: All right. But yeah, definitely write in R E L S T A T podcast gmail.com or hit us up in the advice the relationship status page. You could post anonymous. Anonymously in the advice chat. All right. [00:38:55] Speaker B: I'm so glad you don't want to have say all the words. [00:38:57] Speaker A: Yes, I've been saying them for five years. [00:39:00] Speaker B: All right, I appreciate that because I would not have remembered half of it. [00:39:04] Speaker A: All right, so let's get into today's clip. Yes. [00:39:07] Speaker C: For the clip, no man who's been in love with a woman said, I hope she makes me chase her once. We're now so invested, we don't want this to be difficult. We're hoping she reciprocates, not makes it more challenging. What you'll notice is easier for man to chase lust than it is to chase love. Because when you love someone and they're not receptive to you, it hurts. When you're just lusting after the woman, all you're focused on is what you want to get from her. Which is why you'll see some women have men who were never serious about you but will chase you for years on end because they're just locked into I want this. That's where the men are hunters kicks in. But once he's emotionally into you, he doesn't want all this resistance. Yeah, that hurts too much. Most men are so happy to have a woman show him that she wants him, she has interest. He's going to be receptive to that if he has interest as well. [00:39:57] Speaker A: 100% agree. 100%. [00:40:01] Speaker B: There's no part of it that you disagree with. [00:40:03] Speaker A: Flex bomb drop now. Boom. Like, drop the flex bomb now. I'm put about three of them on here. That is the truth. [00:40:13] Speaker B: That's so funny because Yousef, there's very rarely a time where you agree with everything that somebody said. [00:40:18] Speaker A: 100%. Listen this. When a man wants a woman to play hard, we don't. If we have feelings for you and we really care about you and we see you as somebody that we could possibly see a Begin a future with, we. I'm not saying we're not trying to work that hard because I think that we should court. [00:40:35] Speaker B: Right, right, right. [00:40:35] Speaker A: 100%. But we not. If you not interested in the love that I have to give, I'm out. Like, I don't. I don't want to be. I don't. I don't want to be hurt. [00:40:49] Speaker B: Right. [00:40:51] Speaker A: So I'm giving you. I'm giving you everything I have. I'm giving you the best of me each day. And you're steady pulling because somebody has told you somewhere in this earth that women should play hard to get. [00:41:04] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:41:05] Speaker A: And go ahead. [00:41:06] Speaker B: I was just gonna say, like, I think that. I think we are doing and have done a grave disservice in raising boys and girls. And the reason why is because whenever we are raising young people and we are raising males or men, we are. They are taught, you're supposed to be respectful of the girl. You know, keep your hands to yourself. But you are the one that is supposed to pursue, pursue, initiate all the things for women or for girls. We are taught, keep your legs closed, don't be fast, don't be loose, don't be out here, you know, putting it all out there. Will they buy the cow if you give them the milk for free? Like all of these. All of these different sayings that's completely antithetical to what it means to be in a healthy and whole relationship. [00:42:15] Speaker A: I'm gonna have to put a definition to that at the bottom. [00:42:16] Speaker B: Antithetical. We're. Go ahead and do that. Antithetical. Because I'm not about to define it. So what it is that we are. What it is that we are supposed to be or how it is that we need to behave in order to be in a healthy and whole relationship as a woman or as, you know, as a couple. It. I was watching a podcast with Kevin Stage and Melissa one time, and she was talking about she came into the relationship as a virgin. He. He did not. But, you know, now that they were married, because everything had, up until that point had been taught, you don't do anything. You, you know, you, you're supposed to stay pure. You're supposed to stay all of these things. She didn't realize that she had developed a negative mindset about sex. [00:43:08] Speaker A: Okay, I can see that. [00:43:09] Speaker B: And so it was. It was uncomfortable for them for a period of time because she was just so locked up and clammed up around what it meant to be in a sexual relationship even within the confines of a healthy and whole marriage, which is what it is that we say that we're supposed to pursue. And so. But the messaging that even we get as men and women when it comes to sex growing up is different for the man. It's, oh, go out there, you know, sow your wild oats. Make sure you do all the things it is that you need to do so that when it's time to settle down, you're ready to settle down as a woman. It's because if you, if you get the whole label, he ain't gonna want you. [00:43:49] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:43:49] Speaker B: You know, like, you can't have all of these miles on the car. And so it's, it's. I don't know, like, and, and hear me, like, I'm not for, like, whatever your, your beliefs are and all that kind of stuff. Like, I, I don't know if we know this, but I am a Christian. So, you know, with all the beliefs that come along with that, I have them. Jesus is my homeboy. He's. He's the one. Okay. I have all of those beliefs. And also, I don't think that we do a good job of teaching. We do all of the don'ts, but we don't do the dues. And so we don't prepare people for being in healthy, happy, and whole relationships. Because God created sex for a reason. [00:44:32] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:44:32] Speaker B: And it's not for. Just for procreation. [00:44:37] Speaker A: And I think that, that, that thing. The two separate ends of. But to your point about the. The two separate ends of how sex is viewed, how it's taught to each one of us in our younger days, you're. You're completely 100. Correct. But I think that's changed over the years. To today. Now, you know, our entire society is overly sexualized. Overly overly sexualized. I think the teen pregn is completely up and through the roof. And these are people that are chasing lust, as it say. But I think we're talking more about the older us as, as older as an people who are more experienced in life. [00:45:22] Speaker B: Right. [00:45:25] Speaker A: Who. Whatever your view is on sex, a man is more likely to continue his interest in you if you show interest in him. And that's even when once you get in a relationship, once you get into a marriage once, like all of these things. Because I, I. There's no excuse for cheating. I'm not saying there is, but I do believe, and this is on both ends. I do believe that, and I make this for both, both genders, that the second that one person loses interest or doesn't show the interest and appreciation for the other, it allows the door to open for someone else to show that interest. Because if you got a per. Who wants to be with a person that nobody else wants, like nobody wants to be with somebody who's unattractive to somebody else. [00:46:16] Speaker B: Right. [00:46:17] Speaker A: So you're opening the door for someone else and. Yep. Your purse. Your person should not walk through that door. That is a fact. And, and I agree with that. But if you're not showing interest, like who wants to be with a person who does not want to be with them, who they feel or does not make me feel. You do not make me feel wanted. Why am I with you? [00:46:38] Speaker B: Yeah. Well, my question to that also is because I think that showing somebody interest looks different for everybody. [00:46:50] Speaker A: Okay. Yeah. Yeah. [00:46:51] Speaker B: And so once it has been, and I guess this is like, once it's been communicated and once it's been established, how do you then know. How does a woman know from a man what it looks like to show interest in you as my, my person? [00:47:08] Speaker A: It's difficult to do that nowadays as a man because y'all got so many things that are red flags. We don't know what to do. If I text you good morning every day, you don't want that? [00:47:18] Speaker B: Well, well, not, not. I'm just not you at not you showing us interest. But how do we know how to show you all interest as men? Because I don't feel like y'all communicate that as well. [00:47:30] Speaker A: How about when we have conversations, pay attention to what I'm saying because I think, like, if I tell you I'm, I'm not a phone person, I'm a texter. You can show me interest by sending me texts, thinking about you, whatever, throughout the day, short conversations, we might talk on the phone later on. That's showing interest in me planning something, you know what I mean? [00:47:53] Speaker B: With your busy schedule. [00:47:54] Speaker A: With my busy schedule. [00:47:55] Speaker B: This last time we talked about this. [00:47:57] Speaker A: Yeah, even, even. [00:47:59] Speaker B: He hasn't even cracked the code on yet. [00:48:02] Speaker A: Even with my busy schedule, you know, you know, plant like, find a way to plan something. Let me know that you're interested in me. Bring me some lunch. How about that? And I'm not saying I'm trying to turn the tables on anybody, right? And I'm not saying that you got to do this every day. I'm just saying that if we're constantly pouring into you, I think the bare minimum, which is not anything anybody should give, but the bare minimum that we should get back is the level of you knowing that I'm appreciated. Me knowing that I'm appreciated. Are you showing me that? Yo, I appreciate you, babe. And then going an extra step to say, yo, I want you in my life. And it doesn't have to be with your words and calling me, you know, pet names, because I really ain't into pet names, you know, I, I say them, I call everybody hun. So that's just a thing. But like, I don't really like being called a pet name, but I tolerate it. If I'm with, I wouldn't say tolerated, but it's their term of endearment towards me. So who am I to say to them, I don't like that? You know what I'm saying? [00:49:11] Speaker B: Like, oh, Yoshi bear. [00:49:14] Speaker A: No. [00:49:16] Speaker B: Whoever he know me that needed me to fit that Yoshi bear. Boo boo boo boo Yoshi bear. [00:49:23] Speaker A: Absolutely not. But I think that as you learn, as you learn the man that you're dating or in a relationship with, you should just find out the things about him that he likes. So that you can go ahead and say, here you go, here's this, you know, shoot. You know, show up, you know, buy me a pot, a knife. [00:49:52] Speaker B: No, you do like to cook. [00:49:53] Speaker A: I love to cook. You know what I'm saying? You know, you ain't got to buy me a whole grill. But you know, if you want to, if. No, if you want to, you're not. [00:50:02] Speaker B: Going to turn it away. [00:50:02] Speaker A: Oh, it will be accepted graciously and I will use it that day, you know, in those ways in which. So whoever it is that you're with, find a way. And it, and it doesn't mean you, they, you know, you don't have to go support them in anything, but it's just finding Little ways to let them know that, yes, I understand you're courting me. Understand you're chasing me. But I'm. I'm right here with you. I enjoy this because lust. Because that's the reason why. And like you said, the hunt kicks in once I get it. I was only lusting after you, so once I get it. All right. Okay. Next. [00:50:44] Speaker B: Right, Right. [00:50:44] Speaker A: What's the next challenge that I'm gonna chase? But it's gonna be. It's different. And I think the difficult part in what he said is women don't know what to do because they don't know what version they getting. Cause y'all have no clue what. [00:50:57] Speaker B: Which interest it is. [00:50:59] Speaker A: Which interest. Is it lust or is it love? And. And how do I, how do I navigate that? [00:51:07] Speaker B: I would argue that we do. [00:51:11] Speaker A: They love bomb you when they just lost. [00:51:14] Speaker B: Yeah, that might be. That might be a telltale sign. And. And I. I don't know exactly what the, what the trigger is to let a woman know when a man is lusting versus, you know, long term interest. Well, and I'll say that I do. I can, I can tell. [00:51:35] Speaker A: You can discern. [00:51:36] Speaker B: Yeah. When. When it's one or the other. And a lot of times it's based off of the questions that you ask. So, for example, gonna put a little piece of my business out there. I've been testing the waters on this whole dating site thing. I'm still iffy. The jury's still out on whether or not. [00:51:55] Speaker A: Is it working? [00:51:57] Speaker B: I hadn't been on a date yet, if that's any indication. But. So there was a guy that I, I matched with, and the first thing out of his mouth. Well, not his mouth, out of his text message mouth was omfg, you are so effing beautiful. [00:52:20] Speaker A: And these are spelled out words. [00:52:21] Speaker B: No, no, no, it was, it was. [00:52:23] Speaker A: It was acronyms. [00:52:24] Speaker B: Yeah, well. And he spelled out the effing beautiful. [00:52:27] Speaker A: That's what I'm saying. No, I'm saying he spoke. [00:52:28] Speaker B: Yeah, he spelled out. He spelled out all of that. And I said, oh, you don't want me. You. You saw. You saw the picture. I mean, which is. It's a dating site, so you are going to be attracted to what it is that you see first. [00:52:40] Speaker A: But you didn't read the profile. [00:52:41] Speaker B: Yeah, and not even. Because I don't even have a whole bunch of words up there because I'm taking it seriously. For real. But yeah. Like, you didn't. It's not going beyond that. Whereas if somebody says, hi, beautiful, how are You. How was your day? That is something completely different than you going immediately to my, my looks or objectifying or whatever it is that you're doing. So I think that a woman can tell the difference if you are open to telling the difference and open to discerning the difference. Because the way that you approach. The way you approach a woman that you're interested in long term versus the way you approach one that you're listening after is very different. Different. It is very different. And you know it is. That's why you laughing, because, you know it is very, very different. [00:53:29] Speaker A: Well, I, I'm not sure if, for some guys, I'm not sure if they know what they want in that moment, in the moment early on. Well, in, in, in the meat phase, like, I just met you. I don't know if they know what they want. Some do. I'm not gonna say all. I'm just saying there's, I think there's a, I think there's a pocket of men who, like, for me, I don't know, like, starting out, like. And it's just through conversation, I go. [00:54:01] Speaker B: Okay, yeah, that's what I was about to say. [00:54:03] Speaker A: This is, this is all this gonna be. I, I. Yeah, you know. You know, once I see the grin, I'm in like, I know what this is. I know what this is. This. I know what this is. Right? So, yeah, I think that that's it. I think that most of us, we, we're not really sure about what it is that. Because I think we cut off the emotion and go to the, the only thing I would say, we cut off that emotional side and go to the lust side. Once we have conversation and we realize, we figure out what category you fit in, because from the first couple conversations, a man will know, okay, this is, this is somebody I want to be with or this is somebody I just want to smash. Like, it's, it's, you know. Yeah, it don't, it don't take long for that because you go, like, can I really, like, do I really want to talk to her all, like, about nothing? I don't want to talk to her about nothing. This ain't no person I could have in my life. [00:54:58] Speaker B: But either way it goes, a woman would still be able to tell. [00:55:02] Speaker A: She could probably tell. [00:55:03] Speaker B: Yeah. How. What's your intentions? What your intentions are? Because I immediately thought, I'm not taking him seriously because he's not taking this seriously. Because if you were taking this seriously, this. You wouldn't have approached me. [00:55:15] Speaker A: Well, first off, I don't I don't know if you open up the f. The F bomb in the first. In the first, because you. [00:55:21] Speaker B: Baby, you don't. You really don't know me. [00:55:23] Speaker A: You. [00:55:24] Speaker B: I mean, of course you don't know me, but you don't know I got. [00:55:26] Speaker A: A Bible in my hip pocket. You know what I'm saying? [00:55:29] Speaker B: Hush. But you. If you. It doesn't take much to know that that's not how you. Because you don't know. So you don't know if that's offensive. You, like, that's the. [00:55:40] Speaker A: And what I sometimes say is. That's what I sometimes say. It's worked on somebody because he's doing. [00:55:47] Speaker B: It a thousand percent. It has. [00:55:49] Speaker A: It's worked on somebody because he's doing. [00:55:51] Speaker B: It, and he just got left on red with me because, baby, I'm not responding to you. I might need an unmatched. You know what? Matter of fact, let me do that right now. I will do it live and in living color. We gonna unmatch with sir, because that was not it. That's not the wave. [00:56:09] Speaker A: See, I think that, you know, there was something I saw. I don't know. It says love doesn't. I wrote it down here. It says, love doesn't chase. It leans in. [00:56:24] Speaker B: That's good. Who said that? It wasn't you. So why are you giving yourself props? [00:56:29] Speaker A: Because I was, like, the person that found it. I'm. It's like research. [00:56:33] Speaker B: It's like. You didn't say it, though. [00:56:35] Speaker A: Yeah, no, but it's the second part to what you get. You gave me props before I got into the second part. [00:56:38] Speaker B: Oh, gosh. Is the second part going to negate everything? [00:56:41] Speaker A: No, no, no. Love. Love doesn't chase. It leans in, but it wants to feel safe. See what I'm saying? [00:56:50] Speaker B: All right. [00:56:52] Speaker A: And I think that a lot of times, because men are supposed to be hard and we're supposed to be, you know, go out and get it, and we supposed to not have emotion and we supposed to not cry and all these things that we supposed to not do. We. We know what gets to us. And nothing gets to us more than our lady. So if I open up my heart and I break down all these walls I have around me to lean into you with my love, I'm. And I get hurt. That's the. That's what the protection is. I want to lean into you. I want to lean into this whole thing, but I. I want to. I need to be in that with somebody who makes me feel safe. [00:57:37] Speaker B: Right? Yeah. [00:57:38] Speaker A: Who makes me feel safe. And a lot of women don't make you feel safe because they are so scarred and torn up and, and beat up from. And coming with so much trauma from their own other situations that they got their walls up. And it's two people with walls up. Especially when you get into your 40s, there's two people with walls up, both who trying not to be hurt, but you can't. Like it says, you know, love leans in. I don't feel safe with you because you're not treating me like right. [00:58:14] Speaker B: And the leaning in is vulnerability. Yeah. On both sides. And, and being open enough. And here's the thing. Like, folks are folks always talking about. They want folks to be vulnerable with them, but if you're not. I was watching a podcast, if y'all don't know. I watch a lot of podcasts and just, Just random stuff. But anyway, I was watching a podcast and was two best friends. They were male best friends. And I actually have never seen two males have this type of conversation. Heterosexual males have the, the type of conversation that they were having. It was. It was so clear that it was a very intimate relationship. But no. [00:58:57] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah. [00:58:58] Speaker B: Like, yes. Yeah, it was. They were both heterosexual men, but they were talking about how they got to the level of friendship that they've gotten to. And one of the things that they said is somebody always has to go first. And whenever you go first, that gives the other person permission to then be, you know, vulnerable along with you. But if I go first and what I am met with can determine how. [00:59:27] Speaker A: I react later on. Like, I, I. The wall goes right back up. [00:59:30] Speaker B: Right. Well, we'll determine whether or not I can. Because when I lean in and I offer myself to you, I offer a piece of myself to you that I'm not offering to most people in the world, how it is that you hold on to that or how it is that you react or respond to that is then going to determine how it is that I am going to interact with you or position you in my life from here on out. But I think the thing is, oftentimes men aren't necessarily the ones to go first. I think women are. [01:00:04] Speaker A: Well, that's because we don't want to get the matzo ball. Like, we don't want to be. We don't want to put it out there. [01:00:08] Speaker B: But I think also that women, sometimes we don't leave enough space. [01:00:14] Speaker A: Yeah. Okay. [01:00:14] Speaker B: Because when we go first, that's valid. It's. I would just want to. I want to talk about me. Like, I want to, you know, not saying all women. And I said we. But sometimes there just needs to be room for them to. To do it, to open up, to. To say whatever the thing, like, once you've gone first, then leave space. Don't just expect for them to react to how it is that you. What. Whatever it is that you have going on without you then reciprocating. And it doesn't have to be like, okay, so now what's on your mind? Yeah, like, yeah, yeah, yeah. It doesn't necessarily have to be that, but it's, you know, whenever you're ready, you know, I'm here, or. Because I. And I'm. I'm one of those people where I can tell. I pay attention to what you say and how you say it, whether it be through text message or verbally. And so if you're one of those people, that's notorious when. If I say, how are you doing? And you're notorious being like, oh, my gosh, I'm so great, you know, as a man. And I mean, you might not say it like that. Please don't say it like that, because that's weird. But, you know, you might be like, everything that you say is always great, great, great. And then you say, yeah, I'm okay. I'm picking up on that immediately. Well, what's going on? Why are you just okay? What's happening? And that's a very, you know, just genuine way for me to just delve deeper. But what you've realized and figuring out is I'm paying attention. [01:01:34] Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah. [01:01:35] Speaker B: And so once you see that I'm paying attention and that I actually care, and I'm not just asking this question as just a, you know, exercise, you know, then you are able. That gives room for you to then lean in. But that also tells me if you don't tell me what's going on, either you don't feel safe yet or you're never going to feel safe. And I have to make the determination at that point of depending on how long it is that we've been talking, whether it's worth it to keep going. Because I. I also don't have time for no emotions. [01:02:05] Speaker A: Yeah, I ain't got time. [01:02:06] Speaker B: Yeah, I ain't got time for no emotionally blocked me. And so figure it out quick. [01:02:10] Speaker A: All right, well, we're gonna go ahead and cap it here. We are going to pose a question to the audience, which is, have you ever pushed away someone that's loved you? Have you ever pushed away someone that's leaned in because I know, I have. Have you pushed away somebody who's leaned into you? You've. They've showed you. They're all. They've been vulnerable with you. Have you pushed them away? All right, that'll be our question of the week. So make sure you tap in. We'll cover it. And to open up the next episode. What'd you learn today? [01:02:39] Speaker B: Oh, my goodness. Today was such a good episode. Let's see. Why are you laughing? What is wrong with you? Why you get on my nerves over here? I didn't even do anything. You just laughing at me for no reason. [01:02:54] Speaker A: Today was such a good episode. Oh, my gosh. [01:02:57] Speaker B: Oh, my goodness. [01:02:58] Speaker A: Don't toot your own horn. [01:02:59] Speaker B: I. I mean, it was a. It was a co created situation. [01:03:02] Speaker A: Yeah. You know, we didn't let the fans. [01:03:05] Speaker B: Decide, like, you know, I mean, but that's the thing. Like, I. Some. I get something out of it as well. Whenever you're. You're doing it. So whether y'all like it or not. [01:03:12] Speaker A: I mean, it's therapeutic for me. [01:03:13] Speaker B: Yeah. I mean, I. We want y'all to like it, but I can also say that I got something out of it, too. So what did I learn today? I. I think that that word vulnerability came up quite a bit. We didn't actually say the word vulnerability when we were talking about the letter. Yeah. But I think, like, that was all a part of it and, you know, just making sure that we're. We're aware and that we're doing the work necessary so that we don't bleed on other people and. Yeah. So I think, like, that it's not necessarily something I learned, but it's something that's kind of top of mind for me right now as we are leaving this episode. [01:03:54] Speaker A: Okay. For me, I think I learned that I do a really good job researching some stuff he did. [01:04:04] Speaker B: One quote, y'all on it. One quote. [01:04:11] Speaker A: Thank you all for tapping in with the show again. Make sure to, like, share. Follow five star rate you on YouTube. Hey, you see us on YouTube now each and every week. Go ahead, like, comment. Push the bell to subscribe. Till the next time y'all, we're out. Peace. [01:04:25] Speaker B: Bye.