270th Date: I Stayed Married 19 Years… But I Hated Him

[00:00:00] Speaker A: See, that's what gives me hope. I want to be married again, okay? And that's what gives me hope going forward and wanting to get married. I got asked the other day, do you want to be with somebody just to be in a relationship or just because you're ready to get married? I'm like, no, because the next time I get married, it's forever, right? We're not divorced, right? [00:00:22] Speaker B: Like, that's it. [00:00:23] Speaker A: I don't give a shit what you do. Right. [00:00:25] Speaker B: You may go downstairs and take a nap. You go get like, I'm good. Go sleep in your car if you want to. [00:00:30] Speaker A: Like, hey, dog, go take a nap. [00:00:33] Speaker B: You tired of me? Absolutely. Go take a nap. [00:00:35] Speaker A: Hey, you got the woman, the she she. Oh, you need the bathroom and I need to go to the man cake. I don't care. Neither one of us is leaving. Welcome back to relationship status. It's your boy Yousef in the building. And as always, you know, we are brought to you by Eat my Biscuits, East Point, Atlanta. You know, go down there. As V says, it has all types of biscuits. And I'm not going to say what she says, but there's cocktails and everything else that they have there. Some of the best food in Atlanta. Eat My Biscuits in East Point, Atlanta. The address should be right about here. Okay. As you can see. Oh, one more shout out. Shouts out to our other sponsor, Crux Media Group. If you want to get your podcast done professionally greatest with this. Make sure that you check out the people at Crux Media Group. Hit them up. Crux media group llc.com. that's cruxmedia group llc.com now. You know, sometimes my girl V be all over the world. I, I, I can't disclose what place she's in right now, but I was lucky enough to have a co host to come through and blessed the airwaves. And that is Homegirl. Angel. How you doing, Angel? [00:02:00] Speaker B: I'm doing good. How are you? [00:02:01] Speaker A: I am fine. Welcome to relationship status. [00:02:04] Speaker B: Thank you. [00:02:05] Speaker A: How's, how's the week been? [00:02:08] Speaker B: It's been okay. It's raining. It's. [00:02:11] Speaker A: Is it making you gloom? [00:02:12] Speaker B: Yeah, it makes me feel like I just want to go to sleep. [00:02:15] Speaker A: Yeah. I mean, but you gotta move it [00:02:17] Speaker B: because I'm lazy sometimes. But it's okay. [00:02:20] Speaker A: It's okay. [00:02:20] Speaker B: Like, it's just, like you just want to cuddle when it's raining. Like it's cuddle weather. [00:02:24] Speaker A: So grab a pillow and you curl up with a movie. [00:02:26] Speaker B: Yeah. Because that's all I have right now is a Pillow. [00:02:28] Speaker A: That's all you have right now. That goes into the first question we ask our guests all the time is, what's your relationship status? [00:02:35] Speaker B: I am single. [00:02:37] Speaker A: Single, ready to mingle. [00:02:38] Speaker B: I am single and ready to mingle. I think what you mean scary out there. [00:02:43] Speaker A: What do you mean, you think? It's either. It's either. You're ready to mingle. [00:02:48] Speaker B: Yeah, someday, like, on Tuesdays, I'm like, I'm ready on Thursdays. Yeah. No. [00:02:53] Speaker A: Okay. What. What changes? [00:02:54] Speaker B: But on the weekends, like, I'm ready to be outside, so I don't really know. [00:02:58] Speaker A: Okay. So you go out and you. You enjoy the night life. [00:03:00] Speaker B: Go out, Enjoy. Yeah. [00:03:02] Speaker A: Okay. Get free drinks and all of that. [00:03:04] Speaker B: Yeah. You know, see what's going on in the city a little, you know. [00:03:07] Speaker A: Uhhuh. Y. Ogs. [00:03:10] Speaker B: Definitely ogs. But unfortunately, no. Unfortunately, they seem to. No, thank you. [00:03:20] Speaker A: The Y. N's are the ones that are coming. The OGs. [00:03:22] Speaker B: Yeah. I'm like, no, I don't. No, I don't want to give you my number. I don't want to. You can't come over. [00:03:29] Speaker A: Is that usually, like, the first question? [00:03:31] Speaker B: Yeah, like, oh, I like older women. I'm like, you know what? I got something in common. I like older men. [00:03:37] Speaker A: Well, that works too. So that answers that question. So we're going to go into a quick debate. Men versus women perspective. You know, everybody knows my perspectives on this, so let's get yours. Who gets attached faster, women or men? [00:03:51] Speaker B: Oh, I want to say women. [00:03:56] Speaker A: I totally agree. [00:03:57] Speaker B: I want to say women. [00:03:59] Speaker A: Yeah, I mean, that's easy. [00:04:01] Speaker B: Yeah. I mean, but it depends on the woman. But I would say women as a whole. Women as a whole. [00:04:08] Speaker A: Okay. [00:04:09] Speaker B: Get attached. [00:04:10] Speaker A: All right. Who lies more in dating, men or women? [00:04:13] Speaker B: You know, me, I'm gonna say men. [00:04:16] Speaker A: Women lie. Women lie. [00:04:18] Speaker B: Everybody does. [00:04:19] Speaker A: Women lie more than men. [00:04:20] Speaker B: I feel like it's men that do most of the lying. [00:04:25] Speaker A: Like, y' all lie without saying anything. [00:04:28] Speaker B: I wouldn't say that, but men are just like. Just be honest. [00:04:33] Speaker A: Like, I feel like people do not want honesty. [00:04:37] Speaker B: True. People say they want honesty, but they do not. [00:04:40] Speaker A: All right. If I'm honest with you, right. And I say I'm dating multiple people, I would like to date you too. [00:04:49] Speaker B: Cool. [00:04:51] Speaker A: Most women are not going to go for that upon meeting. Yeah, most women are not gonna go because they don't want the truth. The truth. The truth doesn't get me what I want. [00:05:01] Speaker B: Right. So that's why men lie. [00:05:02] Speaker A: I'm not saying that it's a lie. I'm just saying that in the initial meeting, if I'm. If I am single and. But I am dating a multiplicity of people, I'm not in a relationship. [00:05:13] Speaker B: Right. [00:05:14] Speaker A: Well, that's a good question. Let's. Let's. That's the better question. Should people be allowed to date multiple people? [00:05:21] Speaker B: Absolutely. You are. When you're single, you can go on dates you enjoy. It's okay to enjoy more than one person's company. Like, you talk to more than one person at work, I'm pretty sure, like, yeah. I mean, you have, like, multiple friends. Like, I know I have, like, different friend groups or I talk to, like, even though, like, I have different friends, but we talk about different things. [00:05:49] Speaker A: But that's. I. I think it's a little different because it depends. Are you dating with or without intention? [00:05:59] Speaker B: And that's the thing. Like, it's like when. So when someone asks me out on a date, like, hey, like, you want to go grab something to eat? Like, you want to go to a bar? I'm like, okay, cool. Because to me, it's just. We just hanging out. Like, it's nothing. Like, after that, like, we going to the house, and now, like, next week we're going to the courthouse. Like, you just. We just went to eat. Like, that's it. [00:06:23] Speaker A: But what if you're have. But to get to eat, you got to have conversation. [00:06:26] Speaker B: Yeah, you gotta have conversations while you're there. [00:06:28] Speaker A: So y'. All. Because you gotta see if there's a connection first. [00:06:31] Speaker B: Right? [00:06:31] Speaker A: And then through the connection, you figure out, okay, well, this is a person I would like to. [00:06:36] Speaker B: Right. Like, okay, like, it was cool. Like, maybe we could, you know, like, you know, meet up again and talk again. Like, it's cool. [00:06:44] Speaker A: Okay, but. But here's. Here's the issue I have. I would say I have with dating multiple people is like you said, it depends on the person. It does. If a person is just casually dating and they're not looking for. And they're not interested in the relationship. [00:07:02] Speaker B: Right. [00:07:03] Speaker A: And I think this is where people can't deal with the honesty comes in. Okay, let's double back for a second. Who deals with honesty better, men or women? [00:07:14] Speaker B: I think women deal with honesty better because we have to. It's like, it's not. [00:07:20] Speaker A: You have to know just who deals with it. I can't be. The reason I say men do it. Deal with it better is because we're a lot more logical than emotional. And so if you tell me something, I'm less likely to be emotional over the truth. Whereas women are more likely to be emotional over the truth. [00:07:43] Speaker B: Okay, well, I can see that. Like, but that's when emotions come through. But if you're emotionless like me, and that's probably not a good thing. [00:07:52] Speaker A: So you don't have any emotion at all. [00:07:55] Speaker B: Stuff don't bother you, like, when it come. Like, relationship? No, not anymore. It used to. But I think I've gotten to the place where it's just like, whatever. And it just. So, you know, it's probably not a good thing. [00:08:08] Speaker A: So you're not interested really in anything serious past at the current moment? [00:08:13] Speaker B: I'm not. And because of previous relationships have gotten me to this point to where I'm just like, whatever. Like, if somebody like, hey, you want to go somewhere this weekend? All right, cool. Let's go next weekend. Like, I'm not like. But on Thursday I'm going out to eat with somebody else. Like, because I'm not. [00:08:35] Speaker A: And you're upfront and honest. [00:08:36] Speaker B: Yeah, Like, I tell them, like, hey, [00:08:39] Speaker A: listen, you're not the only person. [00:08:42] Speaker B: You're not the only. [00:08:44] Speaker A: So is there. So. So do. So some would say that that's entertaining Multiple people is entertaining people would say that is entertaining multiple people and dating multiple people the same thing. [00:08:55] Speaker B: It's not. Because if it's. I feel like dating somebody, like, you constantly see them. Like, it's. But if you just went on. If I went on a date with you in February and I don't go on another date with you until May, I'm not like, it's literally just a date, but entertaining people, like, more than one person. I'm like, okay, so. So I'm talking. I text this person at 8:00 and I text this person at 9, and I text this person at 12. And then, like, I see somebody on Tuesday and someone on Wednesday and someone. Like, when it's like in a rotation with the same people, then you're entertaining multiple people. But if you just see people sporadically. No, I don't think that's like, you're entertaining them. You see them when you see them, and that's it. It's nothing. It's nothing more and nothing less. [00:09:46] Speaker A: Okay, so what happens when I go, we've been on a couple of dates. I'm really feeling you. I would like to maybe not be in a relationship, but date you exclusively. [00:10:02] Speaker B: See, here's the thing. When feelings come in, I don't like those. [00:10:06] Speaker A: How is it? I'm just saying. How is it? That's not a feeling. It's Just like, if. If I'm. If. If we are being around each other, right, and I'm enjoying spending time with you and I want to have more of your time. Or. Or you. Or. Or have you in my presence as well. Or you enjoy being around me more and more and more. Isn't it fair to even have the conversation about dating, sex? [00:10:34] Speaker B: Most definitely a conversation. It's gotta be had. [00:10:37] Speaker A: But you're like, but where you are right now, you're like, nah, I'm not about to. [00:10:42] Speaker B: I'm not doing this, like, right now. [00:10:44] Speaker A: So you would cut that off? [00:10:45] Speaker B: Yeah, Like, I feel like now if I feel it happening, I86 it. Like, I just. Which is, again, probably not a good thing. But if I feel. I'm like, no, I just feel like when you start. Like when feelings start coming into play and then you start putting titles on stuff, that's when stuff goes left. Because now, now I gotta check in. Like, two weeks ago we wasn't. So now I have to check in with you. So now I gotta be like, okay. It's just like now I feel like I gotta do more. Like, I gotta put more energy into it. And now I gotta. And I just don't have that. I don't have it. [00:11:23] Speaker A: You don't have the energy? [00:11:24] Speaker B: I don't have it. I don't have. [00:11:26] Speaker A: So then. So then how do you deal in these quote unquote dating streets? How are you dealing with that? Like you said early on, it's rainy. I want to cuddle. Do you just call? You know, you got. You got them in the section in your phone. Hey, I want to cuddle. Call the cuddle dude. [00:11:44] Speaker B: I don't on speed down. [00:11:46] Speaker A: And now we got the cuddles. [00:11:48] Speaker B: Now even though I want to, but the urge goes away. Like, I literally find something on TV to watch and I'll cut off in my bed and I'm good. Get me a good glass of wine, watch something on tv, scroll a bit on Instagram or Facebook, see who lying, and then I'm good. Like, and I may, like, talk on the phone, you know, a little bit or, you know, if somebody calls me or something. But then I feel like, all right, like, I cuddled with this person. And then like, did I really want that? Or was that just what I want it in the moment? Or is it something that I want all the time? Because I don't want to send anybody mixed emotions. [00:12:29] Speaker A: Okay. [00:12:29] Speaker B: Because I feel like when you do that. [00:12:33] Speaker A: But that just comes through commit. So that would be the transparency, right? So it's transparency and honesty. [00:12:38] Speaker B: The same thing. Because I feel like, like I don't want to be cuddling with multiple people. So that's like. [00:12:46] Speaker A: But you do want to cuddle. So, like. [00:12:48] Speaker B: So. [00:12:48] Speaker A: So what. But here's so what happens in that. What I'm. I'm trying to figure out if this is. If these are certain things. There are certain things you want, right? Correct. [00:12:58] Speaker B: But I don't want them constantly. That's the thing. I. I don't want it like seven days a week. [00:13:06] Speaker A: Like, it's just have to be seven days. I mean, like, let's say, you know, like, it's. But I don't want that. Let's say we go long distance relationship. Let's say something long distance, not a relationship, but you're dating somebody, they long distance. [00:13:21] Speaker B: Okay. [00:13:21] Speaker A: And they have a particular schedule that does not allow them to see you all the time. [00:13:29] Speaker B: Okay. [00:13:30] Speaker A: So when they come, they may come up for the weekend. You're kind of like, they got to get a hotel room. [00:13:36] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:13:36] Speaker A: Because when you want your space away. [00:13:38] Speaker B: Yeah. Like, I'll come see you, like, at your room. Like, I don't. I don't know. It's. I think I've gotten used to now just having my own space from. [00:13:47] Speaker A: How long have you been single? [00:13:49] Speaker B: I have been single for. I've been divorced and divorced, so about three and a half years now. [00:13:58] Speaker A: You've been divorced for three and a half years? [00:13:59] Speaker B: Yes, I have. [00:14:00] Speaker A: How was that? [00:14:02] Speaker B: How was the divorce? [00:14:03] Speaker A: Like, how was. Like, how did you. How did. Like, there was a point. I got divorced 15 years ago. [00:14:12] Speaker B: Okay. [00:14:13] Speaker A: I got divorced 15 years ago. [00:14:14] Speaker B: Y. [00:14:15] Speaker A: And up until about three years ago, I hated her and she hated me. [00:14:19] Speaker B: Okay? [00:14:21] Speaker A: Now we cool. We cool. Cool. Like, we joke about the marriage, we clown about the divorce. My kids hate it. [00:14:29] Speaker B: Right. [00:14:29] Speaker A: My son snapped one day. It was like, y' all joking and y' all ruined my life. [00:14:34] Speaker B: I was like. [00:14:36] Speaker A: So me and her just stopped and was like, okay, we won't have any more jokes, you know, so. But. And our divorce was not amicable. And our divorce was not amicable. It was really. It was really difficult. But what came from that? And I've said this on the show. We're almost on episode four or 500. And I've. I've said it before, multiplicity of times was we just weren't supposed to be married. And we figured that out after the fact. Yo, you know, we weren't supposed to be married. [00:15:17] Speaker B: Right. [00:15:18] Speaker A: And so. So what brought y'. [00:15:20] Speaker B: All. [00:15:21] Speaker A: And I know we're pivoting a little bit, but I want to kind of dig into that a little bit because what. How did y' all start and then how did it. If you don't mind. [00:15:30] Speaker B: No, I don't mind at all. [00:15:31] Speaker A: Okay. [00:15:31] Speaker B: I got married really young. [00:15:33] Speaker A: How old were you? [00:15:34] Speaker B: I was 23 when I got married. Really young. Right. And I felt that I was ready for it because like, at 18, like I was from the time I was 18, from the time I was 21, like I had lived a life, like I. I had lived a life just doing, you know, probably doing some dangerous stuff that I probably living life on. [00:16:10] Speaker A: We'll talk about it off air. Yeah. [00:16:12] Speaker B: Like just a little, you know, choosing different careers that probably, you know, people frown upon. But it's okay. It helped you get through college, so. And at that time I was like, okay, like what's next? Like, I gotta get out of this. And then also dating someone that was a street pharmacist and he ended up getting locked up. And I was like, I've gotta get out of this because I feel like I'm gonna end up the same thing. Because I mean, I was wilding out of control. Like it was, you know, going places raises under my tongue. Just, you know, I mean, like wilding out, hanging out with dope boy. I mean it was. [00:17:04] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:17:05] Speaker B: Working at a strip club. I mean it was, it was the life. Like the money was fast. [00:17:10] Speaker A: It was a lot of it. [00:17:12] Speaker B: It's a lot like, you know, making that amount of money and then also being dealing with somebody that made a lot of money. Like it was like I'm literally throwing away money like it's water. Like going to restaurant, leaving $200 bills on the tape for the waitress. Like, cuz it's nothing. Cuz tomorrow I'mma get it right back. Yeah. So at the time I was like, I've got to. I gotta settle down. So I came back to the south because I was in Jersey. [00:17:41] Speaker A: So what part of Jersey was you in? [00:17:43] Speaker B: I'm from Plainfield, New Jersey. [00:17:46] Speaker A: Okay. Well, I grew up in Brooklyn, but went to high school. [00:17:49] Speaker B: Okay. [00:17:50] Speaker A: In. Even though I still lived in Brooklyn, I went to high school in Jersey. [00:17:53] Speaker B: Right. [00:17:53] Speaker A: In Orange. My mom lives in East Orange. [00:17:55] Speaker B: Okay, cool. [00:17:56] Speaker A: So I just came back from EO a couple. Couple weeks ago. [00:18:00] Speaker B: Awesome. [00:18:00] Speaker A: So I. I might know some of the places you were working at. [00:18:03] Speaker B: I don't know. It was a very long time ago. The place does not exist anymore. [00:18:09] Speaker A: So was it in Irvington? [00:18:11] Speaker B: So anyway, I'm like, so anyway, we're gonna leave that. No, like, seriously. So I was like, okay. So let me. I felt like my life was spiraling down in the wrong. So I moved back here. I was going to church, met my ex husband. [00:18:31] Speaker A: You met him in church? [00:18:32] Speaker B: I met him in church. [00:18:34] Speaker A: Okay. [00:18:35] Speaker B: We went on a date. We went on a couple of dates, and it's like, okay. And then we just started talking to each other all the time. And then he asked me to move in with him, so I moved in. And then after a year, we got married. [00:18:51] Speaker A: After a year? [00:18:52] Speaker B: After a year. So I'm like, 22 at the time. And then I. [00:18:57] Speaker A: How old was he? [00:18:58] Speaker B: He was 25. [00:19:00] Speaker A: Oh, so y' all were close? [00:19:01] Speaker B: Yeah, we were close to him. [00:19:02] Speaker A: Close to age. [00:19:03] Speaker B: Okay. And so, like, I end up getting pregnant. [00:19:09] Speaker A: Mm. Okay. [00:19:11] Speaker B: And before, like, we were kind of, like, in the middle of, like, we knew we were gonna get married. Kind of, like in the first stages of planning our wedding, I found out I was pregnant. And I'm like, dang, it's no turning back now. I mean, you could've. I mean, I could have. [00:19:28] Speaker A: Did you get the cold? Were you having cold feet? [00:19:30] Speaker B: Were you having second guests every once in a while? I was like, but. [00:19:35] Speaker A: Did you get to the point where you questioned whether you should be getting married? [00:19:39] Speaker B: I did. [00:19:39] Speaker A: And you. But the. But getting pregnant and pushed you over that. [00:19:44] Speaker B: It did. I was like, okay, I'm having a child. Which was so scary to me. Like, I've never. [00:19:52] Speaker A: Of course. Yeah. [00:19:53] Speaker B: Like, oh, my God. [00:19:54] Speaker A: 23. [00:19:54] Speaker B: Yeah. Like, it's only, like, I'm having a baby. Like, that's young, you know? And so I'm like, okay, all right, well, we're here now. Let's do it. So we got married, and everything was fine. Like, it. Then a year and a half later, we had another baby. So at this point, I'm 25 with a husband and two kids. [00:20:18] Speaker A: But life. But was married life good? [00:20:22] Speaker B: For the first couple of the years, yes. It was good until it wasn't. [00:20:27] Speaker A: Okay. [00:20:29] Speaker B: We moved away. We moved to another state, and he just woke up one morning, decided that he didn't want to be married anymore, like, out of the blue. [00:20:38] Speaker A: And how long were y' all married for? [00:20:40] Speaker B: Five and a half years. Yep. And out of the blue, he just woke up and was like, I don't want to be married to you anymore. I'm like, what? I was so devastated. Like, oh, my God. Like, I'm 28 now at this point, and I'm like, you moved me to this other State. I got these two small kids. What do you mean? You know, like, I moved here because. Because you wanted to be here. Yeah. [00:21:09] Speaker A: You let us here. [00:21:10] Speaker B: Yeah. And I. So now I'm like, now what? It was like, I cried for like three straight days. Like, I didn't eat. Like, I didn't. Like, it was. Because I'm like, what? What now? End up moving to Florida with my oldest sister. Yeah. Took my kids. I moved. I was there for maybe like a month or two randomly. He calls me one day and he's like, well, before then, he's like, I'm sending the divorce papers or whatever. And I'm like, cool. At this point, Cool. Whatever. Do what you do. So he calls me one day and he's like, what are you doing? And I said, I'm getting dressed. And he was like, oh, where are you going? I'm going on a date. Awkward silence. He didn't say anything. So he was like, what did you say? I said, I'm going on a date. And he was like, you're going on date? I said, yes, I am going on a date. And so I hand the phone to my son. I think it was like five at the time. You know, he talked to his dad and he was like, put. You know, I heard him say, put your mom back on the phone. And I was like, hey, Like, I gotta go. Like, he almost said. So I hang up the phone. He calls me a couple of times, like, because I already told you I'm going to date. [00:22:24] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:22:25] Speaker B: So now you call him? Yeah. So now you calling me. So two days later, he shows up at my sister's front door wanting you back. And it's like, I thought about it and I want my family back. Those are his exact same words. [00:22:39] Speaker A: That's. That's. That's the word. [00:22:40] Speaker B: Those are his exact same words. [00:22:42] Speaker A: I want my family back. [00:22:43] Speaker B: I want my family back. Now. At this point, I'm living with my sister. I don't have a place of my own. And I'm like, I have two young boys by him. By him. [00:22:53] Speaker A: So you decide. [00:22:55] Speaker B: So I'm like. I felt like I didn't have a choice. So I went back and it was just rocky and it was like on and off. And it was just. We got separated again, but we were still living together. So then it was just. It was just bad. Like, it was just going to worse and worse. And then we just was like, hey, if we could get to the point where we get the kids out of high school, we just gonna. We're Just gonna call it quits. [00:23:28] Speaker A: So once. So basically, once you get them out of high school, then you'll be good. [00:23:31] Speaker B: Yeah. And my oldest one had already made it to college. My youngest one was 16. And then that's when we started going through the divorce process, which was horrible. [00:23:43] Speaker A: Okay, so y' all ended up totally married, legally, for 16 years. [00:23:49] Speaker B: Yeah, well, I was married for 19 years, so. [00:23:52] Speaker A: Oh, married. [00:23:53] Speaker B: Maybe, like. Yeah. So maybe, like, 13 years later, we still try to make it work. Yeah, but it was. It was such a facade, I think, because now, like, we're at church. Like, we're in, like. So it's like we were like the couple at church. Like, we were like, at the church. [00:24:16] Speaker A: You a couple, but at the crib. [00:24:18] Speaker B: Like, it was like, I'm gonna kill [00:24:19] Speaker A: him at the crib. Y' all roommates? [00:24:21] Speaker B: Yeah, like, we. Absolutely. We are roommates at home. But when we get in front of people. Yeah, we're like the star. Yeah. It was like, oh, Kai, just such a good couple. Like, you're such a great family. And then in the back of my head, like, I hate this nigga. Like, I hate him. Like, I hate him, but I'm literally. I gotta put on a face. [00:24:40] Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah. [00:24:40] Speaker B: Ye. Now I'm at church, and like, he plays music at church, and he's like, the minister of music at church. [00:24:46] Speaker A: So he's got to keep up the. [00:24:47] Speaker B: Yeah, we got to keep. Yeah, we got to keep that up. So I'm like, like, literally, like, knock down, drag out fights before we get to church. As soon as we walk in the door, it shuts off. It's like. Like somebody's yelling action. Like, we on camera. [00:25:02] Speaker A: What's it? We wear the mask that grins and lies. [00:25:06] Speaker B: Yeah. And I'm like, I was so miserable because I'm like, how long can I keep this up? Like, I was like, I am miserable. And all these people are just like, oh, God, y' all just. I just love yalls relationship. But you love what you see. You love what we're giving, what we're showing. Yeah, we're showing you. [00:25:28] Speaker A: So almost like a social media type of deal, right? [00:25:30] Speaker B: That's why I hate. [00:25:31] Speaker A: So you hate social media when it comes. Are you on it? [00:25:35] Speaker B: I'm on it, but I don't put any. [00:25:39] Speaker A: You don't do your personal life? No, I agree. That's me. [00:25:42] Speaker B: No. [00:25:43] Speaker A: If it's not this podcast. [00:25:45] Speaker B: No. [00:25:45] Speaker A: Or my. I'll post some stuff about my kids. Like, if it's a. A graduation. [00:25:50] Speaker B: Yeah, something like that. That's as far as I'm dancing. [00:25:53] Speaker A: But like, my personal. If. If I'm dating somebody, the world will probably never know because. [00:26:00] Speaker B: Right. [00:26:01] Speaker A: I'm not. I'm not posting nobody. Don't ask me to post nobody. [00:26:07] Speaker B: No, I'm not doing it. [00:26:08] Speaker A: We going. I think that you should. CL Says it best. He says you should court. Court privately. Date exclusively. No, no. Court exclusively. Date privately. You know, like, you should be private. Your dating life and things like that should be private. I think the only thing I'm probably going to post for a woman with a woman is going to be my wedding day photos. And people are going to be like. People gonna be like, [00:26:42] Speaker B: it wasn't for you to know. And I so agree with that. I did say that. I said if I ever. And it's probably not gonna happen. [00:26:48] Speaker A: You don't want to get married. [00:26:49] Speaker B: If I. Oh, God. At one time I was like, yes. Like, I was gung ho. I was like, I can do this again. Last relationship didn't. Or. So I'm like. [00:26:59] Speaker A: But it wasn't a. I will say this. I would like to be married again. I enjoyed my marriage. Year one was horrible. Year two, the best year of my life. I've never had to date. I have not had a year of my life that was so much more enjoyable with a person ever in my life. That is year three, we could have strangled each other. And that's why we ended up getting divorced after three years. [00:27:34] Speaker B: Oh, okay. So. [00:27:35] Speaker A: But what we learned, I think year two, the both of us, like, after year one, it was rocky. We had went through a bunch of stuff. Kids, the. The. The difference in she. Her faith is Jehovah Witness. So we had to mesh the two. [00:27:56] Speaker B: That. Yep. [00:27:57] Speaker A: And that was difficult to do. And so when I got into it, I was like, we're gonna make a conscious effort to make this work. [00:28:09] Speaker B: And that's the thing. [00:28:10] Speaker A: And we both. I'm talking about that second year. If I could just capture that. That in a bottle. And. But after that, I was like, that's the thing. [00:28:22] Speaker B: You gotta. You both have to want the same thing. And you have to want it. Like, if I want it like 50% and you want it 10%, you still want it, but it's still not. And I was like, yeah. Like, I gotta want it 100% and you gotta want it 100%. Then that. Then I feel like that's what's going to make it work because you want it just as much as the other person wanted. So you're going to fight for it. [00:28:50] Speaker A: So do you think that you could ever see. That's what gives me hope. I want to be married again. [00:28:56] Speaker B: Okay? [00:28:56] Speaker A: And that's what gives me hope going forward and wanting to get married. I got to ask the other day, do you want to be with somebody just to be in a relationship or just because you're ready to get married? I'm like, no, cuz the next time I get married, it's forever, right? I'm. We're not divorced, right? [00:29:15] Speaker B: Like, that's it. I don't give a what you do, right? You go downstairs and take a nap. Like, you go get like, I'm good. Go sleep in your car if you want to. [00:29:23] Speaker A: Like, hey, dog, go take a nap. [00:29:25] Speaker B: You trying to be. Absolutely. Go take a nap. [00:29:27] Speaker A: Hey, you got the woman's the shishay. Oh, you need the bedroom and I need to go to the man cake. I don't care. Neither one of us is leaving this house. [00:29:36] Speaker B: That's it. [00:29:37] Speaker A: And we are going to deal with this. And we are not leaving. I think that a lot of people when it comes to marriage, they give up. I think they give up too easy, too easily, and they're not willing to fight. There is no relationship, friendship, job, relationship, professional relationship, business. There is no relationship that is perfect 100 of the time. [00:30:06] Speaker B: Absolutely, I agree. [00:30:07] Speaker A: If it's beneficial to both parties and the both of you find it to be important, you will fight for it to the death. [00:30:15] Speaker B: Absolutely, I agree. [00:30:16] Speaker A: And so that's why I'm. Although I do want to be married again, I am not shorting myself on finding the person who is going to be the person that I marry. Because when I marry them, it's going to be for the rest of our lives. Either you die first or I die. [00:30:31] Speaker B: Right? [00:30:32] Speaker A: We not getting divorced. [00:30:33] Speaker B: Yeah, we like a gang. Like, you gotta die. [00:30:36] Speaker A: Blood in, blood out. What we gonna be? [00:30:38] Speaker B: One of us gotta die. [00:30:39] Speaker A: One of us got to go. But I. But that's because I value that, I think. Because I experienced. I think if I hadn't had experienced that one good year, right? I probably don't have the outlook that [00:30:51] Speaker B: I have on what it looks like. [00:30:52] Speaker A: On what it looks like. But amazing. And so I hold that and I understand. I also look at. I got a friend that's married. He's been married since I think when, when. When O' Brien got married. I think O' Brien got married in 2007. [00:31:10] Speaker B: Okay. [00:31:11] Speaker A: They've been married, him and his wife, going strong. I'm my homeboy. Doc just did his. He just had his first year anniversary. But him and his lady been together for a while and they got married. And he feels as though this is one of the best decisions he's ever made. And then I got a friend of mine who's about to get married, but this dude, funny, I ain't gonna say his name. Every time he bought the ring, like, this dude bought the ring like two years ago. He's been with his woman probably about six years. I love this dude to death. Every time he go to propose to her, she do something or they have some type of quarrel or something, he'd be like, yeah, I don't know, Yikes. [00:32:05] Speaker B: Going for a ring, I don't know. [00:32:08] Speaker A: But he gonna, he's, he's gonna, he said, I talked to him the other day, he was like, man, she put that pressure on me, dog. I gotta, I'mma have to do something. So, yeah, so he's, I think he's about to pop the question. But I, I, and this has nothing to do with my friends, but I understand that there's a particular part of life that you are, we are. I don't think we're meant to walk the earth alone. [00:32:33] Speaker B: I agree with that. [00:32:34] Speaker A: I don't think I, we may not. And the, the, the key is finding the person that you're supposed to walk to earth with. [00:32:42] Speaker B: I agree with that. [00:32:43] Speaker A: And then that person ends up changing your view. Like, if you go out all the time. See, like you, you say, you say, I want my space, I want this, I want that. I want this. [00:32:54] Speaker B: Because I'm used to it. Before, I didn't feel that way, but [00:32:58] Speaker A: I think the right person comes along, that changes because you're going to, you're innately, whether you want to. I was, I was talking to or getting to know a few. A while ago, this woman, she's a nurse and her work schedule was so wacky and crazy that she would say, hey, I'm not, I'm. I know I'm not going to have nobody because nobody wants to deal with my schedule, right? This, that, and the third. And what I told her was, I said, you know, you can't put that. You're putting yourself in a situation. It's not like you're not spending time with this person, right? Because you don't want to spend time with them. You literally working, right? And you're hustling, you're grinding. And the person that's meant for you is going to understand that part of you. [00:33:53] Speaker B: They will understand it. [00:33:54] Speaker A: And you're putting in all these Extra hours because I got a lifestyle I want to keep up. I said, a person's going to come into your life where when they put out that, hey, come in and pick up this shift for 75 an hour, and you're going to go, I'd rather be home right with my husband. [00:34:10] Speaker B: And that comes in when somebody makes her feel safe enough to do that. [00:34:15] Speaker A: And she said she's. She said the same exact. She used. She used the word say. She said, I need to be with somebody who. I cannot be with anybody who does not make me feel safe. [00:34:23] Speaker B: That's what women want. We want safety. Like, I got to feel safe enough with you in order to make that type of move. Like, if I don't feel safe with you, then I'm. And. And it's a feeling like we. Some people call women into it, but we feel safe. Like, I feel like when I can let my guard down, like, we'd always want to be hard. Like, I don't want to be hard. Like, I want to be feminine. What was it? [00:34:52] Speaker A: What was it? A couple. What was it? A couple years ago? I N D E. It was a whole. Y' all had a whole movement. The independent woman had a whole. [00:35:00] Speaker B: They had a. [00:35:01] Speaker A: And now. And now. I don't need a man for this. I don't need a man for that. I could take care of myself. [00:35:06] Speaker B: Listen, I never said that. I just wanted, Like, I never said that. [00:35:09] Speaker A: Listen, who wants to date that? [00:35:11] Speaker B: I'm so you, like, make me your dependent. I'm okay with that. Like, I wanna, like, put me on your text. Like, I'm okay with that. Like, I. I was okay with before. I'm like, oh, like, let me call my husband. Like, I wanted to, like, at that time. Like, I felt like my husband was. I'm like, oh, I don't know what we doing? Let me call my husband. Like, can you. I don't know. Let me call my husband. Like, I was. I was that type of woman. So then when I got to four, I'm like, well, God. And then my kids graduated and they went off to college. So now I'm at home literally by myself. Have never lived by myself ever in life, ever. But at 42 years old, I found myself divorced. Both of my kids were in college, and I came back home and I'm like, what the hell do I do now? [00:35:57] Speaker A: What do I do now? [00:35:58] Speaker B: What in the world am I supposed to do? I don't have to cook for anybody but myself. I don't have to take anybody to school. Go check on anybody at school. Wash anybody's clothes at mine. You know, make sure, you know, my husband's clothes are iron or whatever. Make sure. I'm like, it's literally just me existing. And it's like, what do I do? And sometimes, even though it's been like four years now, I'm like, sometimes, like, I got all this free time. Like, I don't have to. My kids are adults now. Like, what do I do? I don't have a husband. I don't have a boyfriend. I don't have a man. Like, what do I do? [00:36:41] Speaker A: Yeah, but you, from what you said earlier in the episode, you don't want none of that. [00:36:47] Speaker B: Some days. But I did. I said some days on a Tuesday, but then Thursday roll around. [00:36:52] Speaker A: I'm like, nah, I'm ready to go outside. [00:36:54] Speaker B: Like, I'm good. Yeah. [00:36:55] Speaker A: So it's like, so while people are inside, you wish you had somebody be inside with, but when people outside, you want to be outside with the people. [00:37:02] Speaker B: Yeah, so. So it's just. I. I fluctuate, which. [00:37:05] Speaker A: Again, see, but that's what. That's what. [00:37:07] Speaker B: Admitting is not a good thing. [00:37:09] Speaker A: But here's. Here's what I think. I think you'll end up meeting someone who's going to accept you going out on the days you want to go out and accept you calling them when you want to see them. [00:37:22] Speaker B: I go out because I'm, like, hanging out with my single friends. Like, we're single. Like, when I was married, I never hung out. Like, why not? Very. [00:37:32] Speaker A: Why would you. What? But I think that's. But I think that's the thing, too. I think that when you. You can change so much of yourself, you could change so much of yourself that you end up resenting change and feeling away about the change that you made. [00:37:54] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:37:55] Speaker A: And so when you actually get out of that and you revert back, I would say accept people for who they are and what they are and allow them. And allow them to gradually make the change in their life. If the person you met. If I met you at the club, let's say if I met you at the club. And this is what I could never understand about people. Somebody asked me, I was on another podcast. Oh. I was a guest on another podcast. Like, well, could you date a stripper? I was like, yeah, I did dated too. [00:38:27] Speaker B: Right. [00:38:27] Speaker A: And they were like, well, how was that? I said, well, I'm. They told me what they did for a living. They made money. Fine. Was it like, at the end of the day? Well, you didn't you? You weren't jealous of what? At the end of the day, if something happens and we break up, we break up, right? [00:38:46] Speaker B: That's it. [00:38:47] Speaker A: If I met you out at the club, at the bar or whatever, I know you go out, right? You know I go out, right? [00:38:54] Speaker B: That's where I met you. [00:38:55] Speaker A: That's where I met you. So why am I on you, right? [00:38:59] Speaker B: When you already know that? [00:39:00] Speaker A: When you already know that? If I. When I met you, you had. You had your behind hanging out and your cleavage was showing. But every time now you leave the house, I'm on you about, right? Cleavage on, right? And you're behind being out. [00:39:12] Speaker B: Because I think people like, once, they feel like now, like you're mine. Like, you what? So now these are the stipulations that I'm putting on you. Like, I don't want some men think like that. [00:39:23] Speaker A: Like, listen, I'm gonna be honest. I don't want a people me, Yusuf, in the building. I don't want to date no woman that don't nobody want. Who wants to date somebody don't nobody want. [00:39:42] Speaker B: I agree. [00:39:43] Speaker A: Who wants to date somebody who people don't desire, right? So why would I. Why would I care? You not out there. You're not out there doing craziness. I know you coming home at night, and guess what happens over time. Because I'm letting you be you. It's almost like as a kid, your parents told you, you can't do this, you can't do that. What happens? [00:40:01] Speaker B: You rebel and you go do it. [00:40:02] Speaker A: You rebel and go do it, right? [00:40:04] Speaker B: Because it makes you want to do it more. Like when somebody tell you can't do something. Yeah. [00:40:07] Speaker A: Then you want to do it. [00:40:08] Speaker B: You be like, you can't tell me what to do. I'm going to do it. And you're doing it. [00:40:11] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:40:12] Speaker B: Just because a person told you you can't do it. [00:40:15] Speaker A: Man, I'm. I. I am a dude that's gonna stay at home. I'm a cook. I'm probably drinking my house, I'm gonna watch movies. I'm gonna spend time with my boys and my kids. That's me. I'm not really go out all of that. I'm a foodie, like to go to restaurants, but outside of that, I'm not going to no club. You know, if you want to go, that's cool. Let me know when you get in. What innately happens over time is she goes, hey, babe, what you cook? Cook this. And third, I ain't going out right? [00:40:47] Speaker B: And It'll make you want to innately. Yeah. [00:40:50] Speaker A: A person accepting you for who you are. [00:40:52] Speaker B: Absolutely. [00:40:53] Speaker A: Innately makes you want to be a bit. It's not even being a better person. It's just changing the things that you do or the things that you find joy in. So now you find joy in being with the person that you're with. So that's, I think you, I, I, I, I give you about a year or so. [00:41:11] Speaker B: Oh, I don't know. [00:41:12] Speaker A: And I, because you, you seem to have the. Here's the thing. In this little conversation we've had, you've kind of worn down from that hard stance of, yeah, I ain't got no feelings and I ain't, I ain't about to date nobody and I don't want notice. And I, I'm gonna curl up with my pillow and watch my. [00:41:28] Speaker B: That tone doesn't change a little bit. But I'm content with that. I really am. [00:41:33] Speaker A: No, I'm not. I respect the fact that you're happy with you. A lot of people can't sit with themselves, right? [00:41:40] Speaker B: Absolutely. [00:41:41] Speaker A: A lot of people don't like what they see or sitting with. They don't like what they are. They can't stand being alone. They gotta have somebody. They need somebody to validate them. [00:41:51] Speaker B: Right. I love me and I love just, you know, and I also feel like was going to be hard for me to date or find someone. Usually. One thing is the way that I am shaped. [00:42:12] Speaker A: I don't know what that means, [00:42:16] Speaker B: dating men or my past relationship. [00:42:22] Speaker A: Mm. [00:42:23] Speaker B: It's like, do you have to wear that or. And I was like, it's not. I'm like, oh. Or even my ex husband used to say, like, even when we go to the beach, he's like, you gotta wear a wrap around because. Right. And he's. And I'm like, why do I gotta wear a wrap? He was like, your butt is entirely too big or you can't. And I'm like, well, I mean, I didn't go buy it. Like, this is natural. Like, I can't, I can't do anything about it. Like, what do you want me to do in, like, covering it up? [00:42:54] Speaker A: And so, so it's more or less what I hear. And correct me if I'm wrong. You don't like the parameters that people have put on you in the past. [00:43:05] Speaker B: Right. [00:43:06] Speaker A: And you feel like everybody that you may meet or date is going to try to put parameters. [00:43:10] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:43:11] Speaker A: Or that you have. [00:43:12] Speaker B: Right. Because when they get to this, like, when you first meet, like, it's okay. It's cool. But then again, like I said, now I feel like you my person. So now I don't want anybody looking at you but me. Like, I don't want anybody. And I'm like, to me, it doesn't make any sense. But again, I'm a woman, so I can't. I'm not a man, so I don't understand. [00:43:34] Speaker A: Well, I don't understand how. And I'm a man and I don't understand, right. [00:43:37] Speaker B: How some men. [00:43:37] Speaker A: I've never under. Excuse me. I've never understood that mentality of people. When you meet someone and you're enjoying the person's company and who they are, and when you met them, they were just really, really sexy and fine and everything else. Appreciate you, bro. They were just everything that you could ever want right, to look at and [00:44:05] Speaker B: now happened to me. [00:44:07] Speaker A: But what you have to realize is sometimes the female anatomy is a blessing to the world. [00:44:12] Speaker B: Amen. [00:44:13] Speaker A: And it must be seen. [00:44:15] Speaker B: Amen. [00:44:15] Speaker A: By the world, especially when you got a woman that everybody want. [00:44:19] Speaker B: Amen. [00:44:20] Speaker A: I'm okay with that. [00:44:22] Speaker B: Listen, I. [00:44:24] Speaker A: Yes. Glory hallelujah. You know what I'm saying? [00:44:27] Speaker B: Talk to the people in the back, say amen. [00:44:28] Speaker A: Let the church say amen. [00:44:29] Speaker B: Listen, I have been and often, you know, or I make jokes or whatever, like with not my ex husband, but the guy that I was dating after, he would always make a joke. He's like the Lord. He was like, must have been. He was like, you got in the boob and the butt line. Usually it's like women have either or like, they have a big butt but not boobs and they have like. And he was like, yeah, I'll say. I don't know what happened. I was like, I'm one of God's favorites. [00:44:58] Speaker A: Thou art has been blessed. [00:45:00] Speaker B: I'm like, I don't know. And maybe, you know, hey, my name is Angel. That's what happened. Shouts out to my dad for naming me. He saw something. I don't know. But that's what I just feel. So. I feel like I'm going to have a hard time with, you know, even. Even, like some of my, like, guys that want to date me or they'll like, say certain things that like, oh, oh, my God. Like, you're so gorgeous and you're so this. And then, oh, if we was together, I couldn't. You couldn't go nowhere. You couldn't go anywhere without me. Like, I couldn't. So I'm like, what? [00:45:40] Speaker A: So that becomes a turn off at that Point. [00:45:42] Speaker B: Yeah. And I'm like block. [00:45:45] Speaker A: Oh, you block people. [00:45:46] Speaker B: Like with the quickness. I feel like I don't want to. [00:45:52] Speaker A: I can't never block nobody. [00:45:53] Speaker B: Oh, I. I can't really listen. [00:45:56] Speaker A: And I'm. And I'm. And I'm. I'm the. The. I would say I am the king of Petty town. I just can't do that. Like I can never bring myself. Like, I feel like I want you to know that I'm ignoring your phone call on purpose. [00:46:12] Speaker B: Yeah, but if I block you, then you already know that. [00:46:14] Speaker A: No, I want it to ring. [00:46:16] Speaker B: Yeah, Like, I want it to ring. Like I'm like, if I see you in the Walmart mall, like I will walk past you like you never existed. It. I've had somebody come. I'm like, do. I'm sorry, do I know you? [00:46:31] Speaker A: That's. [00:46:32] Speaker B: Lord, I would not way that I know you. But I don't. Like, I don't. You're not even in my. Like, why you talking to me? That sort of type of thing. Like it started kind of like a. Ill. Don't. [00:46:47] Speaker A: So what's one thing that you would say you wish when in dating that you wish some. That upfront people would be honest about that. That you have experienced them, not be honest about. [00:47:00] Speaker B: Tell me what it is and what is not. Tell me. [00:47:04] Speaker A: Well, apparently I can't tell you I want a relationship because you gonna be out. [00:47:09] Speaker B: No, it's not that you gonna be [00:47:11] Speaker A: out from the gate. [00:47:12] Speaker B: Okay. [00:47:12] Speaker A: But I can't even tell you. I don't. I don't want to be in. I gotta tell you. [00:47:15] Speaker B: But you are honest though. Like, if you were honest, that does [00:47:19] Speaker A: not get me to date you. [00:47:20] Speaker B: Right. But I'm like. [00:47:22] Speaker A: And that's why I say. [00:47:23] Speaker B: And I guess I'm just so hesitant now because of that. Like I. I guess I got to get myself back to being open to it. [00:47:30] Speaker A: Well, when was. How long have. How long have you been single? [00:47:34] Speaker B: Okay, so when you say single, listen, do you mean like divorced single or do you mean like no longer in a relationship? [00:47:43] Speaker A: No, not in a relationship. [00:47:45] Speaker B: Because you could, you could like December of last year, so. [00:47:50] Speaker A: So 20. So a year. Oh, December that just passed. [00:47:53] Speaker B: Yeah. So like six months. [00:47:54] Speaker A: Wow. So you. You've. That's why you got that, that's why you got that out? [00:47:58] Speaker B: Yeah, Fresh out. Like I'm fresh out. So. Yeah. So I'm just like. And he's trying everything in his power to get back. Yeah. To resolve and, you know, what's his chances? Yeah. [00:48:14] Speaker A: 20%, 10%, 90%. [00:48:18] Speaker B: I don't know that stuff because now like I'm. Now I'm enjoying like just doing stuff. Like now I don't got to check in with nobody, but now I can. [00:48:33] Speaker A: So you had to check in like we were. [00:48:35] Speaker B: I mean, out of respect, not a head. But I feel like if you in a relationship with somebody, like, hey, you know, hey babe, like I made it home, like, you know, like I'm good, like, like, hey, like. But now I gotta be considerate to nobody. I don't have to. So if you text me at 8 o' clock in the morning, if I want to text you back 8 o' clock that night, I will, you know, I don't. [00:48:59] Speaker A: If you don't want to text, you won't. [00:49:00] Speaker B: And if I don't, I don't. I'm doing it because I want to. I don't wanna, I, I don't want to feel like I'm doing it because [00:49:09] Speaker A: I have to obligated. You know what? [00:49:11] Speaker B: I don't want to. Yeah, I don't want it. Not, not right now. [00:49:14] Speaker A: But I think that that's what relationships do. Relationships put forth people. For some people, relationships makes them feel trapped and absolutely it changes the level of responsibility and obligation you have to someone else. And I think that that's the tough part of things people deal with. But like I said, I, I don't think I've ever. When I care about you. Yeah, I do want to check in with you, right? How was the day? You know, if you don't feel like talking, you don't feel like talking. But I'm gonna check on you every now and then, hey, how was your day? And go forth until you tell me, hey, I don't, I don't want to be with you or I don't want it to be a thing. So I don't know, I just. When people talk about experiences like what you've had, I've never experienced because it's not me, right? I'm not a person who's gonna get all bent out of shape, right, because you was at the club till 2 o' clock in the morning, right? Only thing I get bent out of shape over would be like, I didn't wake up in the morning and I saw a text that said, hey, I [00:50:27] Speaker B: made it in, right? [00:50:28] Speaker A: It ain't a check in. It's just for me to know that you're safe. [00:50:32] Speaker B: And I've gotten in arguments over that. [00:50:35] Speaker A: No, over what? [00:50:37] Speaker B: Like you didn't call me and let [00:50:39] Speaker A: Me know you ain't gotta call me. I mean. [00:50:41] Speaker B: I mean, just text. Just like, oh, you know, well, if [00:50:45] Speaker A: we're not in a relationship, I don't expect. Even if we in a relationship, right? Because I worry. I'm a worrier. [00:50:54] Speaker B: So am I. So if I don't. [00:50:56] Speaker A: So if I don't hear from you, [00:50:58] Speaker B: I automatically think I'm not gonna call [00:51:00] Speaker A: the hospitals, but I am gonna be concerned, right? And so when I actually wake up in the morning, it's not mad. It's like, hey, morning. Did you make it in? [00:51:10] Speaker B: Right? Like, you good? Yeah. [00:51:11] Speaker A: And then once you text me back, I'm good, right? You don't even have to. It doesn't even have to be a thing where you text me when you get home. I just know if I woke up and I look and I write, oh, shoot, let me make sure she good. And then if you say you good. [00:51:25] Speaker B: Okay, so if it. If it happens like, multiple times, like, how would you feel? Like, if it happened maybe, like, one time. But if it. If it turns into like. [00:51:35] Speaker A: Okay, let me say this. Is this your pattern, right? So you got a pattern is different than an instance, right? So if this is just who you are, if you. If you go to the bar and you get drunk as hell and you get home and you pass out on the bed all the time, right? Then, yeah, you're. My first mind ain't that she's with some dude, right? My first mind is, did she make it home okay? And if I text you in the morning, you say, hey, I made it home okay. I was super drunk or I was super tired, right? Boom. My mind doesn't instantly go to the negative, right? [00:52:08] Speaker B: Okay. [00:52:09] Speaker A: My mind might go to hope she didn't get hurt, right? Like, did anything to her. [00:52:13] Speaker B: All right? [00:52:14] Speaker A: I hope I ain't got to kill nobody, right? All those things kind of got you happen before I even think, because I've said this on the show before. My grandmother's always told me that if a person's going to leave, they were always going to leave. Just don't be the reason they leave. [00:52:34] Speaker B: Absolutely, I agree with that. [00:52:36] Speaker A: So for me, if I'm doing everything in my power to treat you like somebody, to make you feel like somebody, and you want to go fuck off with somebody or you want to go do whatever it is you want to do, that ain't on me, right? [00:52:50] Speaker B: That's on you. [00:52:51] Speaker A: That's on you. And so now, yeah, you got to be out. Because if you cheat on me or I'll cheat On you, it's over. [00:52:58] Speaker B: Right. [00:52:58] Speaker A: Because I can never trust you or you can never trust me. And I can't deal in nothing that don't have trust. [00:53:02] Speaker B: Right? [00:53:02] Speaker A: So that's why things like not getting text now, if it's not your pattern, if your pattern has been every time you come in. My ex wife had a pattern. Never cared where her phone was. I don't give a damn when you asked her. Would never know where her phone is. I think it's in the kitchen until it starts ringing, right? I think it's in the bedroom. I think it's here. The last couple months of our marriage, started sleeping with the phone under her pillow, right? [00:53:36] Speaker B: The pattern changed. [00:53:37] Speaker A: Pattern changed. So I'm with the pattern, right? If she always slept with the phone under the pillow, I never think nothing of it. The pattern changed. If you always went out and when you came home, you don't text me till the next morning. That's your pattern. That's what you do. But if you always text me when you get home and then this one time, what is second time? Now we got a new pattern in our patterns. [00:54:03] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:54:03] Speaker A: Now I got a problem. [00:54:04] Speaker B: I think people. I don't want to say. I think people think just because you don't say anything, like, people like, oh, I'm getting away with it. But I'm like, I'm a. Sit on it for a minute. I'm building a case. Yeah, yeah. [00:54:18] Speaker A: I'm the police. Oh, yeah, I'm going to. We're going to. [00:54:20] Speaker B: I'm a. When I actually come with it, I got receipts. I'm sitting like, I'm jotting down stuff like December sudden. So he came like, all right, cool. And I'm like, I. I'm like, all right, next week. [00:54:31] Speaker A: So that when we have a conversation, I'm gonna be like, hey, look, I noticed this, I noticed that. I noticed this, that. And I'm not coming in an accusatory tone, right? I'm coming in a. Yo, what's going on? [00:54:41] Speaker B: Right? You. You want, like. I want you to talk. Yeah, yeah, yeah. [00:54:45] Speaker A: Like, do we need to talk? [00:54:45] Speaker B: We need to talk about something. [00:54:47] Speaker A: Yeah. Like, you used to text me. Used to text me every day at 12, and now you're not texting me, Right? Used to call me every morning on [00:54:55] Speaker B: your way to work, right? Now you don't do it. [00:54:57] Speaker A: Last week. Last week or two, you ain't do it, right? [00:55:00] Speaker B: What's going on? [00:55:01] Speaker A: Yeah, what's happening? What's up? [00:55:02] Speaker B: I'm a big person on that. When it Comes to like, pattern because I'm like, okay, so what happened? [00:55:09] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:55:10] Speaker B: And what I cannot stand this is, this is probably a pet peeve. This is a pet peeve of mine when it's in a relate about relationships and why I feel like I really don't want to be in one cell phones. If you tell me, hey, if I talk to you 8:00 clock in the morning and I don't talk to you anymore until 5, 5:30, it takes not even two minutes to text. It don't even take two minutes to text. It doesn't take that long. So if you say, oh, I was busy. Okay. And if I know every time, like you take your phone in the bathroom with you, I know this, like, this is something I've so you on your phone. I know you're on your phone. Like I know you. And then don't let me see you make a post on Facebook and I text you and ask you a question and six hours went by and you tell me you busy. But I saw, I know you saw it. That's gonna piss me off. [00:56:21] Speaker A: Well, I, I, well, I'm not a culprit of that. So I don't subscribe to that ministry. [00:56:28] Speaker B: That's gonna piss me off. [00:56:29] Speaker A: I'm not a part of that ministry. [00:56:30] Speaker B: Don't do that. Because when I start doing it, see, [00:56:33] Speaker A: but you gonna be up to something when you start doing it. But I can see you got it in you. I can see, I can see it [00:56:39] Speaker B: in you because I'm gonna set my phone on a timer. I'm like, all right, I' ma set my phone to like 7:15, you know, [00:56:46] Speaker A: so, okay, so automatically, last question. Before we close out, we gotta close out. Are you the literal, like a literal person? So like, I once dated this woman who, if we were on the phone or whatever, and I said, hey, I'm gonna call you back in five minutes at minute number six. She's gonna call me. [00:57:13] Speaker B: Okay. [00:57:13] Speaker A: No, you said she was gonna call me back in five minutes. Yeah, no, but you just said you setting a timer. [00:57:17] Speaker B: Yeah, but what I'm saying is I'm setting a time. Like if I, if you text me and like if again, if I see your pattern, like now, if you feel like you don't have to answer me right away. I'm not gonna answer you right away. Like, I'm gonna make you wait. [00:57:32] Speaker A: Well, then that's just you being petty now. [00:57:34] Speaker B: Oh, yeah. I'm the queen of petty. [00:57:36] Speaker A: Yeah. We won't work. [00:57:37] Speaker B: All right. [00:57:39] Speaker A: We wouldn't work. So we both can't be. We both can't be emotional. [00:57:43] Speaker B: You're right. [00:57:44] Speaker A: We both can't. [00:57:45] Speaker B: Because that's like disaster. We're gonna end up in jail. [00:57:48] Speaker A: Yeah. Somewhere. [00:57:49] Speaker B: Yeah. We're gonna end up in jail. That's not okay. [00:57:52] Speaker A: That's not okay. Well, angel, thank you for being here. [00:57:55] Speaker B: Thank you for having me. [00:57:57] Speaker A: Hopefully you enjoyed yourself. [00:57:58] Speaker B: I did. It was so much fun. [00:58:00] Speaker A: Come back and grace the. My. The listeners. [00:58:03] Speaker B: Ear, whatever your name is. Give me a call. [00:58:07] Speaker A: Okay. Yeah, we gotta. We gotta set that up. Make sure you have you come back. How can people follow you on social media or you. [00:58:14] Speaker B: I am on Instagram. A chrissy22 on Instagram and on Facebook. I am Chrissy Solomon on Facebook. [00:58:22] Speaker A: Okay. And as always, you know, you can catch us on relationship status podcast on all podcast platforms. You can follow us at R e L s t podcast gmail.com. we did not get to our advice letter today, but we will get to it on the next episode. So go ahead and send those. Send your next one. And we got a juicy one for the next episode. Pause. Make sure you send it in R E L S T A T podcast gmail.com. make sure you check out the blog I'm writing on relationships, Patreon backslash patreon.com relationship status. And make sure if you want to get early releases of the episodes and bloopers and all of that scenes of me and V and her foolishness, V posted a video. She's got a vlog from when she went to Miami. You definitely need to check that out on The Patreon page. $5 a month. You. You. You spend that in a day. All right, so go ahead, tap in patreon.com backslash relationship status. Once again, thanks to Crux Media for the editing and everything for the show. Oh, lastly, Podcast Summit. I'm in there. I told you about it for the last three weeks. If you haven't gotten your tickets, go ahead and get your tickets. July 2nd and 3rd, podcast summit, Atlanta, Georgia. I'm there. We in there. Until the next time, y'. [00:59:38] Speaker B: All. [00:59:38] Speaker A: This is Yousef in the building and we are out. Peace. Sa.