233RD Date: The Grass Ain Always Greener

[00:00:00] Speaker A: You do you have a podcast that you're passionate about? Are you looking for a professional studio to help bring your vision to life? Then look no further than Crux Media Group Studios. Located at nine three west Evans street in Florence, South Carolina, Crux Media Group Studios is a full service podcast studio that offers recording, editing, consultation, live streaming, video recording and more. We have state of the art equipment and a team of experienced professionals who can help you create a podcast that is professional, polished and engaging. Whether you're a first time podcaster or a seasoned pro, Crux Media Group Studios can help you take your podcast to the next level. Contact us today at 843-407-1673 to learn more about our services and to schedule a consultation. [00:01:01] Speaker B: And welcome back to relationship status. It's your boy Yusuf in the building. And remember, you can find us on all podcast platforms. Remember to like share, follow and five star rate. And if you want to join the conversation, email us, relstat podcast, or join us in the relationship status advice group. It's a private group. You can go in there, you can do whatever you'd like. We also have the relationship status chat board on Facebook. If you haven't had a chance to go ahead and get on there, great conversations are happening between our listeners, big fans of the show. Everything is there. And then lastly, make sure that you follow us on relationship status on Facebook. So I have some guests in the building today, the lovely ladies of the very necessary. Don't say nothing because I got to get you all claps together. Let me make sure I get over to the claps before you all say anything. And I feel slow, so bear with me here. All right, ladies of the very necessary podcast, how are you doing, ladies? [00:02:00] Speaker C: Hello, how are you? [00:02:02] Speaker B: I am fine. [00:02:07] Speaker D: I wouldn't consider us guests. [00:02:09] Speaker B: You wouldn't consider you guests anymore? [00:02:10] Speaker C: We are family. I was a little offended, but I was going to talk to him after the show because I didn't want to blast him on air, but I'm glad you brought that up. [00:02:22] Speaker D: Oh, I was going to say, how dare you. [00:02:26] Speaker C: Okay, send us like this. [00:02:28] Speaker B: How about recurring host? [00:02:30] Speaker D: No, we're family. [00:02:31] Speaker B: Okay. My family. Yes, family in arms. Family podcasting family. My sisters of going on three years. [00:02:41] Speaker D: Isn't that amazing? [00:02:42] Speaker B: Yes, they have their anniversary. [00:02:44] Speaker C: This is crazy. [00:02:47] Speaker B: So live show. We're going to do another one for the anniversary right here at the crux media studios. Is that we're going to do. [00:02:53] Speaker C: We can. It'd be nice. [00:02:56] Speaker D: We got to make sure it's just been crazy as you can see, we're short now. Like, our schedules have been just absolutely bananas. But we'll make it work. We'll make it work. [00:03:10] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:03:13] Speaker B: Was it March 29? [00:03:15] Speaker C: March 29? [00:03:16] Speaker B: March 29. Okay, so you got some time. We got some time to get you. [00:03:20] Speaker C: Yeah, but we have time. But we really don't have time. Well, to plan, because this year is almost over. I know, right? [00:03:28] Speaker D: The way things are going this year is almost over. [00:03:30] Speaker C: Like my. [00:03:31] Speaker B: Well, you figure you want to get stuff out, maybe a month out in advance, maybe a little bit over a month. That means you got to plan it a couple of weeks before that. So if you all sit down and talk about it, maybe this week you can start the process. [00:03:44] Speaker C: We really do need to figure out what we're going to do. And having it here at the studio would be very nice because we haven't graced the lenses. [00:03:56] Speaker D: No, we have. [00:03:57] Speaker B: No, not yet. [00:03:58] Speaker C: On the big stage. [00:04:00] Speaker D: No. Yeah, on that big stage. [00:04:02] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:04:02] Speaker D: I see. [00:04:03] Speaker C: Once we get on the big stage, then that, mama, we made it. [00:04:07] Speaker B: Well, you can always. Anytime you would like to come on the big stage, you're more than welcome to. [00:04:11] Speaker C: Okay. [00:04:13] Speaker B: I think if you had your live show, that would be something amazing to, you know. [00:04:18] Speaker C: Maybe I'll get my pasta salad and some other goodies. No, let me tell you, I've been looking for pasta salad for three. You know I'm not going to say that. Yoshi promised. Yoshi man, to be exact. [00:04:37] Speaker B: I did promise and still have it. Always come through on my promises, though. [00:04:42] Speaker C: He got me eating his lunch to go stark his tuna. [00:04:46] Speaker D: Somebody is hungry. [00:04:48] Speaker B: You did not say. Hey, I'm going to be at the studio. Can you please bring me that pasta? [00:04:54] Speaker C: Okay. The next time I'm here and you are here because you're just as busy as us. You are. Yes, but don't make me drive up here for some pasta now because I do that, too. [00:05:06] Speaker B: That's fine by me. [00:05:07] Speaker D: Okay. [00:05:07] Speaker B: That's fine by me. If you drive up for some pasta, but I wouldn't want you to do. [00:05:11] Speaker C: Oh, okay. Well, don't mail it to me. Don't ship it to. [00:05:15] Speaker B: Next time. Next time I'm in Columbia or whichever one comes first. Next time I'm in Colombia or y'all are here, you will have your pasta salad. [00:05:23] Speaker D: That's wonderful. [00:05:24] Speaker C: And I want some wings, too. [00:05:28] Speaker B: See the wings? I can't do the can't. The reason why I can't do the wings. And here's why I can. But I have to cook them here or I'd have to bring my stuff to your place and cook them in Columbia. Because I do believe. [00:05:43] Speaker D: Cooking demonstration at Vaughn's house. [00:05:45] Speaker B: Yeah, it could be. What I think is especially with wings as food. [00:05:50] Speaker D: Right. [00:05:52] Speaker B: I like to treat people how I want to be treated. [00:05:56] Speaker D: Fresh. [00:05:56] Speaker B: Yes. I want mine shaken and then on my plate. [00:06:00] Speaker D: Understand that. [00:06:01] Speaker B: Difficult for me to take wings to go. [00:06:04] Speaker C: Not for me. I eat cold chicken. [00:06:06] Speaker B: No, see, that's you. [00:06:08] Speaker C: If it's good fried chicken or good chicken, I eat that thing cold. [00:06:12] Speaker B: Sorry. A psychopath. [00:06:14] Speaker D: Yeah, I want it fresh. I get it. [00:06:17] Speaker B: Yoshi, the crispy juice, like all of that one goal. I just didn't heat it up. It ain't the same. It don't have that same or cold. It just don't have that same everything when it's fresh is can't. I can't get them to. [00:06:32] Speaker D: I understand what you're saying. [00:06:33] Speaker B: Like, even when I even go to one of the best wing places in the state of South Carolina, nothing but it gotta be. [00:06:39] Speaker C: Gotta be. [00:06:41] Speaker B: Ask Kim. I eat in the store. [00:06:43] Speaker C: Oh, before you leave. [00:06:44] Speaker B: Before I leave, if I got to leave, I'm going to get a burger. I'm going to get a Philly. I'm going to get. [00:06:49] Speaker D: Something is busting. [00:06:52] Speaker C: I've never had it. I need to try it. I'm scared of eating bread. [00:06:56] Speaker D: I just cut mine up in fours. [00:06:58] Speaker C: Okay. [00:06:59] Speaker B: And I'll take that to go. A salad. The shrimp salad or the chicken salad? I'll take that to go. [00:07:06] Speaker D: The chicken salad. [00:07:07] Speaker C: I had their side salad, like their little house small salad. That is good. [00:07:11] Speaker D: Now I've had the house salad. [00:07:14] Speaker B: You get grilled chicken or fried chicken. [00:07:15] Speaker D: I did not. [00:07:16] Speaker B: And they put it on top of. Or the chicken and shrimp salad. [00:07:19] Speaker D: Man, I got to stop by there. I haven't been there this year. [00:07:23] Speaker B: Yeah, I got to go this week. I think I'm going to go this week. But I just can't have it like that. Right? The wings, I got to eat them there. [00:07:34] Speaker C: Okay. [00:07:34] Speaker B: So that's just my thing. [00:07:36] Speaker C: Okay, well, I respect your thing. So I will wait to one day for the wings. [00:07:40] Speaker B: The pasta salad you can get. [00:07:41] Speaker C: Because maybe on the anniversary he can cook some chicken for. [00:07:45] Speaker B: Well, maybe on the know, Coach's kitchen will cater. [00:07:50] Speaker C: Oh, I like his kitchen. I didn't know that. [00:07:55] Speaker B: Yeah, that's my catering business name. [00:07:58] Speaker D: Now we know. And see, he's a caterer. See, Vaughn, now you gotta react. [00:08:03] Speaker C: I gotta do another one. Coach's kitchen? [00:08:06] Speaker D: Yes. [00:08:07] Speaker C: Ain't nothing like a man that'll feed you. [00:08:09] Speaker B: Yeah, see, we try. [00:08:11] Speaker D: Did you hear that slogan? [00:08:12] Speaker B: That is a good slogan. [00:08:13] Speaker D: Did you hear that? [00:08:15] Speaker B: I can't pay you for it. But it's definitely going up there. [00:08:19] Speaker D: You heard it here first. [00:08:20] Speaker B: It's definitely going up there. [00:08:22] Speaker C: Oh, goodness. [00:08:23] Speaker B: But thank you, ladies, for joining me. [00:08:25] Speaker C: You're welcome. You're welcome. [00:08:26] Speaker B: Nikki Seal are out. We had some communication issues. Mostly my fault. [00:08:31] Speaker D: Shout out to them. [00:08:32] Speaker C: You know, it's always Yoshi fault. Listen, I podcast with him on another show and it's always his fault. We blame him for everything. Yeah, we do. [00:08:43] Speaker D: Yeah. [00:08:44] Speaker C: He gets hit with everything I do. [00:08:46] Speaker B: But it's my bad on the community. [00:08:48] Speaker C: Even when I fall asleep and I don't make it to the show, it's his fault. [00:08:52] Speaker B: I don't know how it don't happen once. [00:08:55] Speaker D: Yeah, we do. They do now. I don't blame you for everything, Yoshi, man. I promise you, I have your back like ten toes down, Vaughn. You can even attest to that. [00:09:04] Speaker C: Yes, she does. [00:09:05] Speaker D: I have your back. But it is your fault when stuff go wrong. [00:09:10] Speaker B: And I'm not okay with it because I know I'm going to get a phone. I already went through some phone calls. [00:09:15] Speaker C: And some text messages and you better be glad. Glaudine, aka Yosh with the most. [00:09:20] Speaker B: Yeah, listen, she's a whole nother. She need a show by herself. [00:09:26] Speaker D: Just. Yes, absolutely. [00:09:29] Speaker B: Yosh with the most. Doing the most. That should be her podcast name. Yes, that might be it. [00:09:34] Speaker D: Yosh doing the most. You're absolutely correct. [00:09:37] Speaker B: But we get people to send us these social media videos all the time. So I kind of sat down sitting there with two lovely ladies who are seasoned in the dating verse and marriage verse, and I wanted to get their opinions on a couple of them. First video. Here we go. [00:09:58] Speaker E: I hear a lot that a good woman is going to always be ready sexually for her man. This always felt really subservient, like energetic slavery. My wife Candace is 34. That 34 year old version is not always present. It may not be conducive to try to engage them in a sexual way and come across like sexual abuse in ways they're not even aware of, even if they consent. And me and my wife just did a Houston vibe night. We was extremely tired. We wake up, it's like 630. And my wife is doing something I've never seen her do. Cuddled up under the covers watching. Hey, Arnold. I've never seen my wife put on cartoons. Was peculiar to me. I knew it was something in her needed to feel like a child, like really cuddled up like it's Saturday morning cartoon time. Just kind of rubbing on her. I'm not trying to get it popping. He's just showing love. If I was attempting to take it to a sexual level while she was in that space, I may have felt pressure because this is my husband had a beautiful day. We exhausted a lot of energy. Sex will be great right now. But Candace was not 34 years old. Later on in the day, we talked about, I'm like, why was you watching a cartoon? She was like, I don't know. How old did you feel like you was in that moment? She was like, I was probably about eight. There's been many moments where her inner child will come to surface in ways where I know it's not time for me to treat her like a 34 year old wife. It's time for me to nurture that eight year old when it shows up. And a lot of men don't have the energetic intelligence to understand times. You're not dealing with an adult wife, you're dealing with an eight year old little girl. For an eight year old little girl, sex is not what's on the agenda. You got to find another way to connect. [00:11:28] Speaker C: Different perspectives. Honestly, and even as a woman, I've never connected that or the time frame of being a seasoned woman. And I went back in time in a period where I just wanted some solitude in my life, and I felt like I was a ten year old girl or eight year old girl. And the way that he identified that he pays attention to his spouse, I. [00:12:05] Speaker B: Think that's the biggest point I took out of his. Now it was revealing to me because I never thought about it. Like you said, vaughn, I never really made the connection between the two and said, okay, in this moment she needs this. Right in that moment, she may need that. [00:12:21] Speaker C: And she probably didn't even know in that moment that was really going on. She probably just laid down and just watched some know. I feel like watching some. Hey, Arnold. [00:12:29] Speaker D: Right now, I'm just very impressed with his emotional intelligence to where he knows how to connect with his wife. And being a therapist, that was very impressive for him to translate her watching cartoons. Meaning at this time, she needs to be nurtured, not necessarily as a child, but just as somebody that needs to be held, needs to be cuddled, that needs to be loved, not in a sexual way, but just. I guess I can't think of the word I wanted to use, but in a way to where she feels safe and secure. [00:13:12] Speaker C: The way that he said she cuddled? [00:13:15] Speaker D: Yes. [00:13:15] Speaker C: And watched cartoon. He saw her differently. He said, I've never seen that before. [00:13:22] Speaker D: For him to even. I love the way he just put it together. That was just because at first, I was like, where is this going? But then as I listened, I said, wow. The emotional intellect for him to be that observant, now, that is a love language to understand her. [00:13:41] Speaker B: But which one would that fall under, though? Which love language does that fall under? [00:13:45] Speaker D: I say physical touch. [00:13:47] Speaker B: Does that fall under physical touch? [00:13:48] Speaker D: And quality time. I would say physical touch, quality time. Okay. [00:13:53] Speaker C: What would you think? I said? Quality time. [00:13:54] Speaker B: Yeah. I thought quality time as well. And this made me reflect on myself. When I saw it, it was like, I'm really not that emotionally intelligent. Like, I'd be like, what's you watching cartoons for? [00:14:05] Speaker D: Can we watch? [00:14:05] Speaker C: A lot of people are like that. So it's not a right or wrong to the situation. It's just how you pay attention to the need. You wouldn't have known. [00:14:16] Speaker B: See, but the thing that makes this, and I think choosing this was that was nonverbal communication that she didn't even know she was given. And last week, we talked about last episode, last Monday's episode, we discussed communication, and we talked about the fact that sometimes you're dealing with a person and you know they're going through something, and you go in and you say, hey, what's wrong? And they tell you, nothing. And then your reaction is, well, no, I know something is wrong. What's wrong? And they continue to say, nothing's wrong. But, you know, you're feeling this thing. And so at that moment, I was going, last episode, I was going, no, tell me. Communicate with me. Even if you don't want to talk to me, communicate with me. This. And I think Nick said that, I don't have time. I'm feeling something. So I don't have time to sit here and tell you exactly what it is. She was like, I'm not asking you to figure it out. I just don't have time to tell. Said our back and forth was more or less like, at least let me know you want me to talk, that you want to talk later. And I think in this video, in this post, what we're seeing is a man who is that tentative to his woman that he understood in the moment that even if he didn't understand why. [00:15:29] Speaker D: Right. [00:15:30] Speaker B: He knew that what he wanted was not that. And I like the part he said. He was like, I wanted sex. I knew that if I said anything. [00:15:47] Speaker D: She would do it right. [00:15:49] Speaker B: Because as her womanly, wifely duties, she would do it and pressured to do it and be fine with it. But he was like, I don't want to put her under that pressure because that doesn't look like what she needs right now. And I just thought that was extremely observant of him. [00:16:06] Speaker C: Not only that, let's take it back. He said we had an event or we went somewhere and we were both exhausted. So he even played back the moments that probably led to her wanting to just. Her body just needed to relax or just to feel some type of intimacy. Not sexual, but he could have cuddled behind her and just watched her, laid with her, watching cartoons, or he could let her have her moment to herself, whatever it was. But yeah, see, that's why I thought. [00:16:40] Speaker D: Didn'T he say he cuddled with her? Okay. And that's why I said maybe that was a form of a physical touch. And you're right, that's what I was about to say, too. Vaughn, it's all about intimacy. That is what intimacy is. [00:16:52] Speaker B: Yes, but I think a lot of people mistake intimacy with sex. [00:16:55] Speaker D: Absolutely. And that's the point. [00:16:57] Speaker B: No intimacy, right? You can have intimacy with no sex. [00:17:00] Speaker D: But that's the thing. So guess what? She's going to remember that and she's probably going to give that man the best sex the next time they have it. Am I lying? [00:17:08] Speaker C: No, you're right. [00:17:09] Speaker D: You work it up until the time you have sex. You just can't say, oh, come on, give it to me. Oblay is why. No, that's the thing that count. Well, let me put my book. That's the things that count. The way you talk, the way you treat me, how you make me feel. We just talked about this on the podcast. How you make me feel is how I'm going to respond to you. So to have a man of that. [00:17:33] Speaker C: Caliber in your life, he took leadership. [00:17:37] Speaker D: He did. And Vaughn, it's another thing that we talked about as well. You got to know your person. [00:17:42] Speaker B: But I think a lot of people. [00:17:43] Speaker D: Know and learn your people. [00:17:45] Speaker B: And I'm a culprit, too. I am at times don't take enough time to learn the many different facets, asides of their person or the person that they're with. Because sometimes the person you with ain't your person. [00:17:58] Speaker C: Right? [00:17:58] Speaker D: So check this out. So, Yoshi, man, real quick, you haven't asked us in a while, ask me my relationship. [00:18:04] Speaker B: Wait, hold on. I missed it because they ain't been on the show in a minute. What's your relationship status? [00:18:11] Speaker C: I am in a relationship. Yes. We called it before she listen, Yoshi, I said, tucson playing that's your man. No, we haven't made it official yet. [00:18:23] Speaker D: And this is what I want to say because it goes back to this. I didn't understand what he was doing at first. This man courted me. Honestly, this man courted me. We are still getting to know each other and that's why I didn't say we was in a relationship like this has been ongoing for over a year now. And I appreciate everything that he's been doing up until now because I could truly say we are learning one another. We learn our quirks. I learn his. He is just really good. So I can even identify with that young man and what he is saying because I think he does the same thing with me. Because sometimes maybe I would shut down and he'll just give me that time and then he'll say, ready to talk about it now. And then I'm ready. And then we can go on. No pressure, nothing. [00:19:22] Speaker B: But there are some of us who can't. Some of us, me included, a good portion of the time. We don't see it in the moment, right. And all I would have seen just thinking about me, all I would have seen is, why is he watching it? If you want to watch cartoons, I'm probably going to go in the other room because I'm not doing this and not really thinking that because he said he was observing to the point that he was like, she never watches cartoons. What is this? And then in the conversation, because some people would have approached that conversation like this, why are you watching cartoons? And his approach to that was his way of communicating with her, was asking her the right questions to even have her realize, because the question I would have never thought to ask her, well, how old did you feel in that moment? I'd have never thought to. [00:20:20] Speaker C: Right. [00:20:20] Speaker B: I would have never thought to ask that question. And so the fact that he asked her, well, how old did it make you feel like, how old were you? [00:20:27] Speaker C: I'm learning something. Yeah, I'm learning something from this really. [00:20:31] Speaker D: Made me think. [00:20:34] Speaker B: Somebody sent it. Like I said, they sent it to the page. But I think that's probably one of the most insightful videos. [00:20:40] Speaker C: Yes. [00:20:43] Speaker B: And I'm not saying I don't watch a lot of insightful stuff, but a lot of the stuff on social media is trash. It just doesn't make sense. [00:20:50] Speaker C: That is a great example to show in relationships, like people that are in relationships, to hear this, to understand, because there is a disconnect in communication. [00:21:03] Speaker B: Yes. [00:21:04] Speaker C: It is verbal and nonverbal. There's a big disconnect. And I'm not saying that even if he took the other approach, how you would have taken it, would he have been wrong? [00:21:15] Speaker B: And that was my next question to Yuvon. Do you think that if a person deals with this in a different manner, as long as it's not starting an argument type of deal? Because I don't think in this moment anybody would have started an argument. I don't think it was that. But do you think that there was a right or wrong way to deal with that situation? [00:21:40] Speaker C: Do you think the only wrong way to have dealt with that situation, if you would have gotten an attitude and not understand in the moment why she felt the way she felt in that moment, if that was me and my significant other would have gotten an attitude? Because he wants it. He is ready to go, and I'm not there. I'm not there to meet his needs in that moment. And if he would have gotten attitude because I was watching cartoons but not understanding, I'm not there yet, that would have been the wrong approach. Right. Because to me, that would have been a selfish. It would have been selfish for him to get an attitude without asking questions. [00:22:28] Speaker D: Right. And that's why I was thinking, like, what if he would have spewed out negative words like, your child is, what is a 34 year old woman sitting here watching, hey, honor. And I'm a full grown man sitting here waiting for you to give me some that could have just turned all the way left. But he was so observant to where. And like I said, the emotional intelligence and the way he could think out everything, it was just a beautiful thing to hear from a man. [00:22:59] Speaker B: Okay. Yeah, I got that. So to all my brothers out there, we got to make sure that we are paying attention. [00:23:05] Speaker C: And women. Women. But women need the patches to men. [00:23:09] Speaker B: Because I don't think she knew. I think she just did what she wanted to in that moment. [00:23:15] Speaker C: Right. [00:23:16] Speaker B: And it was probably an epiphany for her as well. [00:23:19] Speaker D: Right. [00:23:20] Speaker C: So going forward, I'm going to use that approach. I'm not going to look into a situation with just my lenses, but I want to take a full 360 view of everything and say, how are you feeling in this moment? [00:23:37] Speaker B: But that's a question. I think sometimes men can take that to a certain degree as being facetious. So how do you feel in this moment? What do you mean? [00:23:48] Speaker C: Ways to say it. [00:23:49] Speaker B: And I just think that if you are observant to your mate or your person, I think you're able to have those conversations and ask those probing questions, because you got to ask probing questions to get to the point. Because it might not. Because I remember when we were saying it on the episode last week, I was saying, well, if I ask you what's wrong, you got to tell me. How about if I ask probing questions instead of you directly telling me what's wrong? How are you feeling right now? Obviously, she's not feeling fine or he's not feeling fine, but getting to that might be able to maneuver the conversation in a positive manner rather than the end result, which sometimes can lead to an argument or a person. Well, I'm going to just leave you alone right now, which is my approach all the time. If you tell me, hey, look, I don't know what to do. You got it. But very insightful, very insightful, young man. Video will be posted in our group, so please make sure you go and tap in and make your own assumptions on it. And that kind of leads me into my next question. And I want you to think about it while you're listening to this video. The question I have is, and I'm going to ask each one of you this after. I'm asking each one of you this afterwards. How do you know when you love someone? Me. [00:25:02] Speaker C: And you've been in a relationship for some time now, and I just got to ask, how do you know you love me? [00:25:09] Speaker F: You don't want the answer to that. [00:25:11] Speaker C: Yes, I do. [00:25:12] Speaker F: But you really don't. And you know, I'm the type of person, I'm always going to tell you the truth no matter what. [00:25:16] Speaker D: Right. [00:25:17] Speaker F: And you don't want the answer to that. [00:25:19] Speaker C: I want the honest, truthful answer to that. [00:25:21] Speaker F: Promise you. Like if I tell you the answer, we might break up. [00:25:25] Speaker C: I want the answer. [00:25:29] Speaker F: You sure? Are you sure I'm really giving you the chance to back out of this? Are you sure? 100% positive this is what you want? [00:25:35] Speaker C: I am 100% sure I want the answer. [00:25:37] Speaker F: Pussy is trash. And I didn't care. That's how I knew I really was in love with you. [00:25:45] Speaker C: Wow. [00:25:50] Speaker F: I told you didn't want to hear that. But I love you. I love you for everything else. You feel me? I'm just not here for sex. You feel me, Jane? And love. But that's how I knew I really loved you. [00:26:07] Speaker C: Wow. [00:26:12] Speaker B: Before we get to your answer to my question. Sue. Initial response. [00:26:18] Speaker C: I do apologize for all the cough. [00:26:20] Speaker D: You're good. [00:26:21] Speaker B: I know you're hungry. That's your body's response. [00:26:26] Speaker D: Okay. The approach was different. The approach was very rip the band aid off the scar. [00:26:36] Speaker B: I don't think that. [00:26:37] Speaker D: But listen, no, this is what I'm about to say. But he was honest. And here's another example of emotional intelligence, because he asked, and he asked again, and he said, I don't think you're ready for this answer. But he was brutally honest, so that's how he can tell. Then when he told her, look, your sex is not the best that I've ever had. And I'm just rephrasing this. [00:27:03] Speaker C: It was trash. [00:27:04] Speaker D: However, I love you for everything else, so that is not the reason why I'm with you. I'm not here for the sex. I love you for everything else. [00:27:14] Speaker C: That's mighty. [00:27:16] Speaker D: Like the list that we just talked about, that was on his low totem pole with this relationship that he's in now. [00:27:23] Speaker C: But you know what? It's crazy because that was low on our totem pole. Out of the eleven, we had to. [00:27:29] Speaker D: Have the good deed. Yeah, it has to be good. That baby was trash. Okay, Reese. [00:27:39] Speaker C: She was so worried about him answering the question versus hearing him say what I tell my really want to know. [00:27:51] Speaker D: When you have a talk with somebody, please always prepare yourself for the response because you could be on the high. [00:28:01] Speaker B: But then you can get shot down deep. [00:28:05] Speaker D: Pits of hell. [00:28:06] Speaker B: To your point. He said, you don't want to know. He don't want to know. [00:28:10] Speaker D: Three times, if I'm not mistaken. [00:28:12] Speaker B: Are you sure you want. Are you sure? He's like, now I'm giving you an out. Because he sure did. You know, I don't lie to you. [00:28:18] Speaker D: Absolutely. [00:28:18] Speaker B: So I'm giving you an out right now. Right now. I'm telling you, we could end this conversation right here and we're good. [00:28:24] Speaker D: He said, that is why I love you, because sex was trash. Sex is trash. And then I'm assuming he said, and I haven't even stepped out on you. [00:28:37] Speaker B: Exactly. Because that's pretty much what he's saying. I love you for everything else. [00:28:41] Speaker D: That's it. He said. So I knew then if I didn't step out on you and go down there and talk to Rika, then. [00:28:50] Speaker C: So she could be the one in the wheelchair that we was talking about. [00:28:53] Speaker D: Last show with Sally and Josephine or. [00:28:56] Speaker C: The one that ended up getting in the wheelchair and couldn't do nothing. [00:29:00] Speaker D: Couldn't do nothing. [00:29:00] Speaker C: And she could because it was trash anyway. [00:29:04] Speaker D: It was trash. [00:29:06] Speaker C: Yeah, but anyway, what's your response? Okay, so this is what him, if I was him and she asked that question, I would say first, do you know that I love you? Because I need for her to answer that question first. Before I respond to her question, I would ask her, do you know that I love you, or do you think that I love you because there's a reason why she asked, okay, so I need to know. Knowing and thinking is two different things. And then how she respond if she said, well, I think you love me, I don't think I would have had. It would have been very hard for me to tell her. The real reason being that blunt. That's a cringing moment right there. For me, honesty is always the best way just to put it out there. It's always the best thing. But I don't think she prepared herself for that. [00:30:10] Speaker B: But most people ask questions and can't deal with the answer. [00:30:14] Speaker D: Right. [00:30:15] Speaker C: That is very true. [00:30:16] Speaker D: That's why you have to prepare yourself. [00:30:17] Speaker C: That's very true. [00:30:18] Speaker D: You have to prepare yourself. [00:30:19] Speaker C: And then I would have said this to her if it's something that I said, okay, he did prepare her. You may not like what I'm going to say. Are you sure this is your moment to back out? Because what I'm going to say will probably offend you. I think he said that. [00:30:40] Speaker B: Yeah. No, he said, we're probably going to break up. [00:30:43] Speaker C: Yeah, we're probably going to break up. [00:30:44] Speaker B: If you're not ready for this, we're probably going to break up. [00:30:47] Speaker C: So he gave her all the disclaimers. [00:30:52] Speaker D: He really did. [00:30:53] Speaker C: He gave her all disclaimers. [00:30:54] Speaker D: Another good example of emotional intelligence. [00:30:58] Speaker C: The ball is in her court now. If I was her, I will respect that, man. Especially if it's a good relationship. If I feel like the relationship was good. I don't have any issues with you, but you're being honest to me. I think I will hold on tighter to you. [00:31:18] Speaker D: Right. [00:31:18] Speaker C: Because of that. [00:31:19] Speaker D: And so that could be a segue, too. If they can get through that hump. Okay, so how can we make this better? [00:31:28] Speaker B: If she's reflective. [00:31:29] Speaker D: That's what I'm saying. If they can get over that hump, and then she can say, well, how can I make the sex better? [00:31:36] Speaker C: And she probably can't. I mean, trash, he went low. He went low. No, I mean, he could have chose some other words other than trash. [00:31:47] Speaker B: Watching the video. He can't be. [00:31:49] Speaker C: No, he should say, you're not the best. You're not the best that I've ever been with. Right. Or I would have said, you're in the bottom ten or whatever. The bottom just five. I ain't trying to put my number out there. [00:32:07] Speaker B: He comes off as a person who is. He has no tact. [00:32:15] Speaker C: Yeah, he did not have any. [00:32:17] Speaker B: And I think that if their relationship is where it seems in his actions and in the way he spoke to her, because he was very respectful. She should have known him enough to know that if he's saying, hey, you don't want this, I might need to back up. [00:32:37] Speaker C: No, I'm saying she's not aware I have a problem. Because if he's been with her that long and has never told her about their sexual relationship. [00:32:50] Speaker B: No, but we got to remember, like, even you all said that sex was low on your list. On the list of things that come into a relationship. [00:32:55] Speaker C: But you have conversations about it. [00:32:57] Speaker B: Yeah, but other people, everybody for everyone. And I've remember one time I dated this lady and she said to me, and this kind of was the start of the out, but she said to me, I don't care if we never have sex. Wait a minute. She was like, I can go for the rest of my life without it. Wait a minute. For some people, though, it's about every other aspect of the relationship besides the physical. Right. Not rather, but the intimacy is what they're into and not necessarily the physical act of sex. So it could be that situation where for him, he may have been through, and we're not making up stuff here, it's just us speculating. [00:33:41] Speaker D: Right. [00:33:41] Speaker B: He may have been through some bad relationships where the sex was good and the person wasn't as good as she is, wasn't as good a woman as she is. I hate to say I applaud people, but it's kind of cliche. But I applaud the young man for not bailing because of sex, because I have done that in the past. Sex bad, I'm out because I can't do this, or lack thereof. I can't do it. I just can't do it. I don't need to have a conversation with a grown person. I'm out. But for him, he's mature enough to say, you know what? She checks every other single box. Now, like I said, when you actually see the video because you're not watching the video. He's younger. I think he's maybe 22, 23, 24, possibly. So he hasn't really, I don't think, and I'm not for all men, but most men I know myself, I didn't learn how to truly communicate until maybe about five years ago, stuff like that. Because I always would be like, I'm going to keep it to myself. I don't want to hurt nobody feelings, whatever. And then I could just be out. [00:34:47] Speaker C: See, I would be like, I can understand because I feel the same way about you. [00:34:52] Speaker B: And that could, if you want to throw that shot, you could. But it would be a reaction. It wouldn't be an action. It would be a reaction because you didn't know because she kept going, wow. [00:35:03] Speaker C: Yeah. I wouldn't have said wow. [00:35:05] Speaker B: No, because let's get to another point. Some people think they sex is it. [00:35:11] Speaker D: And it ain't that why she get humble? [00:35:14] Speaker B: She got humble. [00:35:16] Speaker D: Yeah. [00:35:16] Speaker B: She wasn't expecting that. [00:35:17] Speaker C: And I was like, gosh, finally it's out. Because I understand. [00:35:24] Speaker B: I mean, that's fine. [00:35:26] Speaker D: I feel the same way. [00:35:28] Speaker C: I feel the same way. [00:35:29] Speaker B: And if I was on a different show, I would say a response to that. [00:35:32] Speaker C: All right, but I'm mad that that came out then and not before. [00:35:39] Speaker B: Yeah, but I think as he gets older, he'll learn to communicate his issue if he's having something with sex, because. [00:35:45] Speaker D: He'S already good with honesty. He's already good with, like I said, I think his emotional intelligence is. [00:35:51] Speaker B: And if she breaks up with him, I think he'll learn, oh, well, maybe. [00:35:53] Speaker C: I, she better not break up with him because somebody else going to lie to her. And sometimes people, hey, the grass ain't always greener on the other side. [00:36:04] Speaker D: Well, no, some people don't like to hear the truth. They like to be comforted with a lie. [00:36:08] Speaker C: Yes. [00:36:08] Speaker B: That lie is a blanket, right. So, I mean, you can't, girl, you. [00:36:12] Speaker C: Better stay with that man and get. [00:36:15] Speaker D: Better break up with him. [00:36:18] Speaker B: How do you know when you love someone? That video prompted a larger question for me, which was, how do you know? Because when it said it, I sat there and thought, well, how do I know? How do you know? When you in love with somebody. [00:36:34] Speaker D: When you are able to, when you are able to look past some mistakes, when somebody is remorseful, but then you have to know that person is really remorseful. When you're willing to try, when they may not check all the boxes that you really want in a person, but you love spending time with them anyway, when they respect you, when they value you. And it's a consistency in showing that you smile. When you think about them, you wonder what they're doing throughout the day, along with everything I just said, of course. So I think it's different with everybody. When you love that person, you love them. You love them. You think about them, you wonder, what would they think if I did this or how are they going to be included in your future plan. Have a strong likeness for them. So I just think that when all the checks aren't in the boxes, but you like what they bring into your life and they add value to your life, that's how I feel. [00:37:59] Speaker B: Okay. How about you? When do you know? [00:38:02] Speaker C: Okay, so there was a monique, the comedian. She was on a podcast, and she was talking about her and her husband, and me and Yoshi actually had this conversation. The last time we had our podcast, sue, you was out that time. And on our ride back home, we were just talking about relationships. And when a man can teach me something that I've never been taught before, he has opened me up to different elements of myself. When he has made me come out of my comfort zone to show me different things and me standing in my own way, and that's nothing but love. Because when a man can pour into you what you have already had in yourself and make you see your worth more than what you thought you had, like, I always saw my worth, but it opened up different levels. [00:39:08] Speaker D: Right. [00:39:09] Speaker C: That means that person took the time out to help me understand me a little bit more or to help me grow in areas where I felt a little weak. I think that on top of chemistry, you ain't going to like each other every day. It is not all hunky dory, but when you can get past, as you said, sue, get past those things that don't check off the boxes, and you can look beyond some of the flaws, and you can say, damn, I really love this dude. Because the patience. I don't like to use the word sacrifice, because I feel like when you use the word sacrifice, that means one person is giving up something for another person. I like the word compromise. So whenever there's a compromise to say, well, meet me in the middle. Meet me where I'm at. Don't force me to be anything other than what I am. Grow with. Help me grow, right? Help me understand how to love you. And then when you take the time out to do those things, because we all busy and we all don't want to be a teacher because we feel like we at a certain age in life where you shouldn't have to be taught, everything should have already been learned, and we are supposed to know how to treat people based on our season in life, but that's not always true. Everybody is different. So when you take the time out to teach me something at my age, it makes me say, dang, I love you even more. This is why I love you, right? Yeah. What about you, Yoshima. [00:41:05] Speaker B: When you could make it through. When I put my phone on do not disturb and you still come through. Your phone calls and text still come through. That's how I know. [00:41:14] Speaker C: You know what? [00:41:17] Speaker D: Right? [00:41:18] Speaker B: When you make it to that list. No, that's a joke. But. [00:41:26] Speaker D: You'Re right. That's all I'm going to say. [00:41:29] Speaker B: That is a part of it. Listen, when the person stops being, and I think that's an analogy, that's a joke. But I think it's a good analogy. [00:41:40] Speaker C: For they still are reaching for you, right? [00:41:42] Speaker B: Not that, but the fact that your call can get through, the fact that your text can get through with a notification. And I'm thinking more or less like when that person is no longer a part of the real world, it's no longer a part of the regular world. [00:41:58] Speaker D: Right. [00:41:59] Speaker B: When they become your world. And for me, that's how I know when I'm in love with somebody is when they become my world. And not saying where I'm idolizing them or everything else stops, but they become a priority. They've made it up the list. There's God, family, my kids, and they're right in there. God, my kids and then them when they make it up that list, and it could be in a week or it could take two years. I think that loving someone kind of happens on its own time, and then your realization of it happens on its own time because we both may have the same feeling, but we both didn't get there at the same time. [00:42:48] Speaker D: Absolutely. [00:42:50] Speaker B: Cl always says there's two anniversary dates. There's the date that your girlfriend became your girl, that she says she became your girl, and the date that you acknowledge that she's your girl. [00:43:02] Speaker D: That's so true. Oh, my God, that is true. [00:43:05] Speaker B: So I think that's the best way I could put it, because I've been in those situations. I've only been in love a couple of times. I've only truly loved somebody maybe twice. And I think that you could have really strong feelings. That's commas themselves. But to come to the realization that this person, like you said, sue, you think about them and you smile, or you don't mind them. As a man, you don't mind learning something from a woman, to Vaughn's point of teaching something, I don't mind learning something new. If you're teaching me, you're probably going to be the best teacher because I want to be in your presence. And you teaching me something is being around you or being with you. And so to that point. That's what I would say when they go from being a part of the regular world to a part of being your world. [00:43:58] Speaker D: I like that. [00:44:00] Speaker B: Yeah, that's mine. I think we got time for one more. Let me check the clock. I can't see it from here. So we just going to go with it? This last video, I kind of just put it because I want to get. It's really just a response and it does build a bigger conversation. [00:44:18] Speaker C: You ever been the cause of the. [00:44:19] Speaker D: Demise of a relationship? [00:44:21] Speaker G: What do you mean, the cause? I've never left a woman. [00:44:22] Speaker B: Ever? [00:44:23] Speaker D: No, never. [00:44:23] Speaker C: So they've always left you? [00:44:24] Speaker G: Yeah, they've always come back and I've never taken them. [00:44:27] Speaker C: Why did they leave? [00:44:29] Speaker G: Let me tell you why a woman leaves. A woman leaves because she wants to. She might not say she wants to do it right, but unless she's saying she wants to go and join a nunnery. Yeah, she's saying at some point I'm going to sleep with somebody else. And the reason why I say like that, and I say it so crudely, is because I want men to understand something. The moment your missus does not want to be with you, she's going to sleep with someone else. And it might not be today, it might not be tomorrow. Don't believe it's going to be months down the line, because it won't. It's going to happen. [00:44:55] Speaker B: Right. Thoughts? I start with you, Vaughn, because the look on your face. [00:45:02] Speaker C: Well, just because a woman wants to leave doesn't mean that she want to leave for someone else. It could be the attention wasn't there and so therefore she's tired of trying to get your attention. And you ever heard that saying, once a woman has fallen out of love with you, it's over, it's pretty much done. When she stopped thinking about you, when the spark is gone, the relationship is dead. It's dead. So therefore she's moved on. Now, if she moves into her new realm, and this just so happened to be a man that's there, then it just happens. But I don't think a woman would leave a man for another man. [00:45:51] Speaker B: Okay. [00:45:54] Speaker C: It happens. But what's the pretenses behind it? What's the premise behind them? Is it because they were just gold diggers in the current relationship or you were just my stand in until I got to where I wanted to be? There's different levels to all of. [00:46:15] Speaker B: Sue, your response? [00:46:18] Speaker D: I somewhat agree with Vaughn to the point where women, they just don't leave. Just like that. Something has to disconnect and it's usually the emotional disconnect when the intimacy is no longer there. I think that's when a woman says, okay, I've had enough. I've given chance after chance after chance with a man. Because sometimes now this new wave of women, they somewhat think like men and they're like, okay, well, they just want. [00:46:52] Speaker B: To do it and keep going. [00:46:54] Speaker D: But I think men always think that, okay, well, it has to be somebody else she want to be with and want to have sex with them. And I don't think that way. I think with her, I think it was something that they were lacking, that they just could not be with that person anymore. They just couldn't be with them. [00:47:16] Speaker B: My grandma said she was like, if a woman's going to leave, she was always going to leave. It's just your duty to make sure that she doesn't leave because of you. So if you approach it with, I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure that it's not me. I'm going to treat her like somebody, I'm going to respect her, I'm going to communicate. And it's very difficult for anybody to be perfect in a relationship. It's very difficult because I don't think anybody's ever been perfect. You may not step out and you may not go see Jane down the street, but there's other areas in which you may come up short. And if you're not in a situation where you're communicating, well, then it can go left. People that are bad with money, that's big for a woman. How can you take care of this household if you're bad with money? But I do agree with him in a sense of if I am doing everything right and you decide to leave, I've communicated with you. I've tried to be the best version of myself I can be. Then, yes, I do believe that she's going to leave, because if she leaves, it's for something else that I have not provided. Unless she goes to the other side of the fence, she's going to leave to find that in some other man. [00:48:41] Speaker D: Right. [00:48:42] Speaker B: And I think that's the point he's making more than anything else, is that she's going to leave. If she leaves, she's leaving because maybe I'm inadequate in whatever sense or whatever's high up on her list. So, like from my earlier video, sex wasn't high on his list, so he wouldn't leave that situation for somebody else where sex is high on their list, they may leave. So for him, what he's saying, I think it has some credence. I don't like the way he said it, but to a certain degree, I think it does have some merit to it, because if you're left, there is something that you did not do that they're trying to find in somebody else. [00:49:19] Speaker D: Right. It's a disconnect somewhere, but it necessarily doesn't have to be sex. [00:49:25] Speaker B: No, I'm not saying the sexual, but I think that's just the way he, I hate to put it, so vulgar, because he did say that. He said, I hated to say it's so crash, but they're leaving for someone else. [00:49:37] Speaker C: But I would love to hear women that actually left relationships that were good and they can admit he was good. [00:49:48] Speaker D: I wasn't ready, and I have, too. [00:49:50] Speaker C: I've heard that. I have heard that, but I haven't had any women that I'm aware of that can honestly say I left the relationship because they wasn't ready for the. [00:50:03] Speaker D: Level of commitment that that man was. They just couldn't be committed to that one person. I have heard that before. I have heard that. Or they just couldn't be there because they felt their lifestyle was too boring or they were too boring or something like that. So they left a perfectly good man and they just went on with their lives. Do they regret it? Some will admit it, some won't. [00:50:33] Speaker B: Most won't. [00:50:35] Speaker C: I agree. I don't think most people will. [00:50:38] Speaker D: No. And probably in years on, years later, they'll say, well, I had somebody like that, but I had to walk away and it was my fault. [00:50:49] Speaker C: And that's why we get that term. The one that got away. [00:50:51] Speaker B: The one that got away. [00:50:52] Speaker D: Got away. [00:50:54] Speaker B: Well, ladies, really appreciate you all. [00:50:57] Speaker D: This was very good, very insightful. [00:51:00] Speaker B: Yes, well, we do what we could do over here. So tell the people where. When can they find your podcast? We know it's on all podcast platforms. Yes, but when can they find it? [00:51:12] Speaker C: On Wednesdays we air. Yeah, whenever we know we don't make the engineer mad. But you can't. [00:51:21] Speaker B: Hey, listen, didn't make me mad. I just answered the question when it came through. I said, let me check, and I checked and it wasn't there. [00:51:36] Speaker C: You could catch us on Wednesday on all podcast platforms. And we do have a website in case some don't stream. It is the very, and it is the very vary. Necessarypodcast.com. [00:51:52] Speaker B: Okay, and how could they find you. [00:51:54] Speaker D: Sue on social media, Facebook, my government name. And if you don't know it, then you don't know each other that well, but you can find me on Instagram. [00:52:05] Speaker B: It's superb. [00:52:06] Speaker D: Superb one. [00:52:08] Speaker C: All right, how about find. And you can also find our podcast on the very necessary podcast on Instagram. And my personal is at one Boncella. [00:52:19] Speaker B: Okay. And you can find us on all podcast platforms. Just search relationshipstatus podcast. Also our website, relationshipstatuspodcast.com. You can find us on all social media platforms. Relstat podcast. And of course, if you want to join the conversation, email us relstat [email protected] one last thing. February 14 is around the corner. It is Valentine's Day, and it's the day of love, but it's also the very day that relationship status was born. Five years ago. Really? So, yes. Our anniversary. [00:52:56] Speaker D: Was up here talking and not courting somebody. [00:52:59] Speaker B: Yeah. We was up here talking and not courting. Yeah. First episode dropped. February 19. February 14, 2019. [00:53:07] Speaker C: Okay. [00:53:08] Speaker B: The very first episode of relationship status, me, Cl, and Nik, five years later, we're still here, headed into year six. [00:53:15] Speaker C: What a perfect day to drop a relationship podcast. [00:53:18] Speaker D: Yes. [00:53:19] Speaker B: Thanks, Cl, for that rare Cl. [00:53:22] Speaker C: I wonder what. He was going through it. [00:53:23] Speaker B: I know. And Cl is still with the same woman he was. [00:53:28] Speaker D: Yeah. That's wonderful. That's wonderful. [00:53:30] Speaker C: Ball and chain. [00:53:31] Speaker D: Okay. That's wonderful. [00:53:36] Speaker C: I'll say it offline. [00:53:37] Speaker B: Okay. [00:53:38] Speaker D: Good job, River, Cl. [00:53:39] Speaker B: But we're working on a Valentine's Day giveaway, so you'll see a link link in the description to fill out a questionnaire, and that instantly you fill out that questionnaire instantly puts you in the drop, puts you in the running for the Valentine's Day giveaway. [00:53:55] Speaker C: Oh, nice. [00:53:56] Speaker B: Until the next time, y'all. See you later. Peace. [00:53:59] Speaker D: Peace. Bye.