December 26, 2023


228th Date: Don't Take Things Personal

Hosted by

Yusuf In The Building C.L. Butler Nique Crews
228th Date: Don't Take Things Personal
Relationship Status Podcast
228th Date: Don't Take Things Personal

Dec 26 2023 | 01:14:32


Show Notes

Hosts: C.L. Nique, & Yusuf 

In this episode of the Relationship Status Podcast, Nique, C.L., and Yusuf are joined by recurring guest, Brother Fatiyn. They get into the complexities of breakups and the profound impact they have on personal growth. They start with candid reflections on their own experiences, and they explore the various emotional stages following a breakup, from denial to self-discovery. The team also discusses the importance of recognizing toxic relationships and the challenges of walking away.

The conversation takes an unexpected turn as Yusuf shares his struggle with alcoholism following a particularly painful separation. The team discusses the role of accountability, the importance of acknowledging personal flaws, and the growth that comes from self-reflection. Through raw and honest dialogue, they reveal the harsh realities of post-breakup life, from coping mechanisms to the pivotal moment of realizing change is needed.

The team then shifts the focus to the complexities of dating later in life. The team debates the notion of settling versus compromise, and Fatiyn gives his thoughts on the complexities of finding love in a different chapter of life. The episode closes with a heartfelt discussion on the meaning of soulmates and the challenges of moving forward after profound loss. As always, they have the "What Did You Learn Segment." This episode is a rollercoaster of emotions, offering solace, advice, and a sense of camaraderie for anyone navigating the tumultuous waters of post-breakup life.

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Episode Transcript

[00:00:00] Speaker A: Do you have a podcast that you're passionate about? Are you looking for a professional studio to help bring your vision to life? Then look no further than Crux Media Group studios. Located at nine three West Evans street in Florence, South Carolina, Crux Media Group Studios is a full service podcast studio that offers recording, editing, consultation, live streaming, video recording and more. We have state of the art equipment and a team of experienced professionals who can help you create a podcast that is professional, polished and engaging. Whether you're a first time podcaster or a seasoned pro, Crux Media Group Studios can help you take your podcast to the next level. Contact us today at 843-407-1673 to learn more about our services and to schedule a consultation. [00:01:05] Speaker B: Welcome back to relationship status. It's your girl, Nick Cruz, Cl Butler. [00:01:10] Speaker C: And your boy, Yusuf in the building. And remember, you can find us on all podcast platforms. Just search relationship status. You can also find us on Tis the season to be jolly, the most famous reindeer of all. Come on, you feeling it got you. [00:01:30] Speaker B: In a Christmas spirit? [00:01:32] Speaker D: I'm in the spirit, but it's just DMX is not my go to. [00:01:38] Speaker C: And we have a guest with us today, man, for the holiday season. Brother fatine. Welcome back, brother. [00:01:43] Speaker E: Good to be back. Happy holidays to the whole crew here. [00:01:47] Speaker D: Happy holidays to you, brother. [00:01:48] Speaker E: I agree with you, brother. Right off the mean. We didn't agree walking in the door, but I agree off the back. DMX, I will not be waking up with him on Christmas morning. [00:02:02] Speaker D: It's nice. [00:02:04] Speaker E: That ain't going to be the one. I'm waking up. [00:02:06] Speaker C: Hold on, I got you real quick. [00:02:08] Speaker E: Yeah. Please give me something. I don't need that. [00:02:12] Speaker B: Is that the best Christmas mommy kissing. [00:02:16] Speaker C: That's one of my faves. Cool. Action far Motown, Christmas. That whole album. Okay, maybe the whole album. Yeah, the whole album. That's a good. [00:02:26] Speaker B: Yeah, my grandma used to play it every played. [00:02:30] Speaker C: It's on repeat at my house. [00:02:32] Speaker D: Michael wasn't living his raps, was he? [00:02:35] Speaker C: What you mean? [00:02:36] Speaker D: I thought he was Jehovah's Witness. [00:02:37] Speaker E: Yeah, they've been saying that, but they got a lot say Christmas album for. [00:02:42] Speaker D: No, it don't matter. [00:02:43] Speaker C: When you say business. [00:02:45] Speaker B: Paying the bills, it's business. [00:02:48] Speaker D: That's the one. They got him over me. [00:02:51] Speaker C: I can't find it. Curtis, blow. [00:03:05] Speaker E: What's up? [00:03:06] Speaker B: What you got in my mind? Okay, got you. [00:03:09] Speaker D: That's a good one. [00:03:10] Speaker C: Come on, baby. Oh, no, not that one. [00:03:16] Speaker E: Temptation freestyling for the holidays. Yeah. [00:03:19] Speaker C: This is the complete freestyle I did not. Yeah, I didn't come for. [00:03:22] Speaker E: The board is not talking. Last time big boy started talking to you. [00:03:25] Speaker C: Yeah, it was a whole bunch of stuff going on that day. That's right. Best Christmas gift you ever got. While I find a song. [00:03:31] Speaker B: Oh, I was going to say Christmas movie. [00:03:33] Speaker C: Best Christmas movie. Okay. [00:03:34] Speaker E: Oh, God. [00:03:35] Speaker B: What's the best Christmas movie? Mine is diehard. [00:03:38] Speaker E: Die hard. [00:03:39] Speaker D: Yes. A Christmas movie. [00:03:40] Speaker B: It is. [00:03:42] Speaker D: It was during Christmas. [00:03:44] Speaker B: During a Christmas party. [00:03:46] Speaker D: I don't know. [00:03:47] Speaker C: Mine is trading places. [00:03:49] Speaker B: Really? [00:03:50] Speaker D: Christmas movie? [00:03:51] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:03:52] Speaker D: I don't know. I just watch movies. [00:03:54] Speaker C: I don't know. [00:03:55] Speaker D: I thought it would be a themed when you said Christmas movie. So something is about Christmas, not something that happened during Christmas. [00:04:03] Speaker B: Well, I mean, well, with diehard. He was going to his wife. His wife's Christmas party. And during the Christmas party, the mayhem started. So it's always been my favorite. [00:04:16] Speaker C: Okay, cool. [00:04:18] Speaker D: I don't think die hard is that. [00:04:19] Speaker B: Girl doing, but when I was on. [00:04:22] Speaker A: What is this? [00:04:25] Speaker C: I found the album. My bad. There we go. Santa Claus is coming to town. [00:04:31] Speaker E: That's the Jackson fire. [00:04:33] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:04:34] Speaker E: Jackson fire. Okay. [00:04:41] Speaker B: That didn't get the excitement. [00:04:45] Speaker D: Christmas. [00:04:46] Speaker C: This is it right here. [00:04:47] Speaker E: This is cool. This is cool. [00:04:51] Speaker C: What else is a good? [00:04:52] Speaker E: Home alone. [00:04:53] Speaker B: Home alone. Yeah. [00:04:54] Speaker C: Home alone. Yeah. [00:04:56] Speaker E: That's a classic. [00:04:57] Speaker C: I watched Charlie Brown Christmas last night as an adult. I didn't realize how short that movie is. [00:05:05] Speaker B: When you watch it, it looks different. [00:05:09] Speaker C: As a kid, it was, like, super long, and I was like, tied in for however long this was. Right. I watched it last night on Apple tv and I was like, it's like 20 minutes long. Yeah, like 25 minutes long. And it was done. [00:05:19] Speaker D: I was like, did you all rekindle. [00:05:22] Speaker E: You know why it's long when we were younger kids? Because Christmas shows like that came on Christmas Eve night. So we're trying to get. And get to what we need to do to get to Christmas day. [00:05:36] Speaker C: Okay. [00:05:36] Speaker E: So anything was stretched out longer because we're trying to go to bed early and all that. Exactly. But now you look at television, they bring on these kind of things right after Thanksgiving. We got these things the last two weeks of Christmas. You understand? [00:05:51] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:05:52] Speaker B: Get you in the spirit. So you spend your money? [00:05:56] Speaker D: My money. [00:05:57] Speaker E: Not after Halloween. I don't need to see Christmas trees up after Halloween. No, mine have brother. [00:06:03] Speaker D: Patina. [00:06:03] Speaker E: Yes, sir. [00:06:04] Speaker D: You don't have a choice. [00:06:09] Speaker E: I go with it. But bottom line is, it don't bother me. [00:06:13] Speaker D: Okay. [00:06:13] Speaker C: You know what I'm saying? [00:06:15] Speaker E: I ain't getting into Christmas spirit. Till when? It's time to do it. [00:06:19] Speaker B: So what is your favorite Christmas movie? [00:06:23] Speaker E: I like comedies. You know what? I just watched one. I just watched one. It was all know. I don't like the comedy one. And I can't remember the name of it, but it's the one. Oh, God. I can't remember the name, but anyway, I just watched the one with Eddie Murphy on. Is that prime? [00:06:41] Speaker C: Yeah. Is that shingle? What is that? [00:06:44] Speaker E: I have to look that up. [00:06:45] Speaker D: Is it pretty? [00:06:46] Speaker E: Eddie Murphy. Candy Lane. [00:06:49] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:06:50] Speaker A: That was cute. [00:06:50] Speaker E: That was cool. [00:06:51] Speaker D: I watched it. [00:06:52] Speaker E: Yeah, it was okay. [00:06:53] Speaker B: It was really good. It was really good. Yeah. Me and Amy had went down a list of watching. [00:07:06] Speaker C: Genie was a good one. It's on peacock. [00:07:10] Speaker B: I was wondering. [00:07:11] Speaker C: It's fun. [00:07:12] Speaker B: Yeah, it's a movie. [00:07:13] Speaker E: What is the one where all the actors. Those are all black actors. [00:07:18] Speaker B: Little. [00:07:19] Speaker E: No, it was where smooth smooth was in it. What's his name? Jamie Smooth. And he went to the grocery store and ran into this young lady and she wind up being invited to the house almost Christmas. That's one of my favorites there. [00:07:36] Speaker C: Okay. [00:07:36] Speaker E: Even though it's chaotic, it was funny. [00:07:39] Speaker B: My best friend's daughter is in it. [00:07:41] Speaker E: Okay, that's cool. [00:07:42] Speaker C: Best man holiday. [00:07:43] Speaker E: Best man holiday. [00:07:45] Speaker C: I like the best man holiday. [00:07:46] Speaker B: That was not bad. I just recently watched that. [00:07:50] Speaker E: I know you kind of late on. [00:07:52] Speaker B: Things, but. [00:07:54] Speaker E: When I talked to her about the Sopranos, she was like 15. I was eight. I said, okay. I see. [00:07:58] Speaker B: Yeah, I forgot. I was like twelve when it came. [00:08:02] Speaker E: Out and I was into gangster movies by ten. [00:08:06] Speaker C: The new one, dashing through the snow with Ludacris and Rel. [00:08:10] Speaker B: That was really cute. I don't watch that. [00:08:12] Speaker C: Like Ludacris and Rel and Lil Rail. I think his name was it. Lowrell? Lowrel? Ral. [00:08:19] Speaker B: I think it's Railro. [00:08:21] Speaker C: Norel. [00:08:24] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:08:25] Speaker C: Ludacris. [00:08:26] Speaker D: I won't be watching anything. [00:08:27] Speaker B: Ludicrous is good. I've watched it multiple times. [00:08:33] Speaker D: You have a different sensibilities and all. I don't want to watch ludicrous at all. [00:08:42] Speaker B: Oh, my God. [00:08:43] Speaker E: Can I ask you all a quick question, a little off topic? Real quick? Real quick. What's a movie that made you cry? [00:08:50] Speaker D: I've never cried at a movie. [00:08:52] Speaker E: Okay. Right. Okay. [00:08:54] Speaker D: It's a good movie, though, still, right? [00:08:56] Speaker C: Yeah. I cannot admit to anything on air. [00:08:59] Speaker B: The notebook. [00:08:59] Speaker D: I've never cried about. [00:09:01] Speaker C: That's it. The notebook. [00:09:02] Speaker D: I've never cried about a movie. [00:09:04] Speaker C: The notebook. The end of the notebook got me. [00:09:05] Speaker E: It's a couple movies that made me cry. But imitation of life, that's a good movie. That made me cry, boy, really? It made my whole house cry. [00:09:16] Speaker D: People were living in their truths. [00:09:18] Speaker C: What's the Will Smith movie? He's the dad. [00:09:21] Speaker B: Pursuit of happiness. [00:09:22] Speaker C: Pursuit of happiness. That scene in the bathroom took me out. Completely took me out. [00:09:27] Speaker D: Couldn't identify. [00:09:29] Speaker B: Oh, my God. Aren't we bougie today? The thought of being a single parent and trying. And he felt bad about where he was. [00:09:40] Speaker E: Right? [00:09:40] Speaker C: Yeah. That part took me as a dad. That one scene, the whole movie was touching. He wasn't on drugs. [00:09:48] Speaker D: He should have been sad. [00:09:50] Speaker B: He was sad. [00:09:52] Speaker D: What was the reason for him being sat homeless? I saw the movie, but I didn't think it was. [00:09:56] Speaker C: His wife left. [00:09:57] Speaker B: Yes. I was missing income. [00:09:59] Speaker C: And then he tried to sell this machine. He was walking around trying to sell this machine. [00:10:03] Speaker B: No, he wasn't. He was trying to fix the machine for a particular person. And once he fixed it, they were going to be paying him, I think, $500. So that's why he was carrying it around trying to fix. [00:10:16] Speaker C: It's touching that bathroom scene. [00:10:19] Speaker D: Just. [00:10:19] Speaker B: Projector. [00:10:20] Speaker C: I was done. Yeah, the projector. Yeah, that's what it is. Okay. [00:10:26] Speaker E: You're emotionless over there. [00:10:28] Speaker D: No, I don't know. [00:10:30] Speaker B: Men don't cry. [00:10:32] Speaker E: Well. [00:10:34] Speaker D: I'm probably just more realistic. Sometimes I can't buy into the movie. Some movies I can. Some. I can't just buy into the movie. [00:10:42] Speaker B: It could be a good movie. [00:10:43] Speaker D: Yeah. How did this happen? [00:10:44] Speaker B: Yeah. Like the best man, I couldn't cry. [00:10:47] Speaker D: Yeah. [00:10:47] Speaker B: I couldn't cry nowhere. I mean, it was sad. [00:10:51] Speaker D: It was good. It wasn't like the. Do you say best man holiday? [00:10:55] Speaker B: Yeah, best man holiday. [00:10:56] Speaker D: First one was, I think, a little more original. [00:10:59] Speaker E: Yeah, I like the Cooley High. Cooley High. Cooley High. [00:11:04] Speaker D: I haven't seen it. [00:11:05] Speaker C: Cooley High. [00:11:06] Speaker E: You ain't seen cool. [00:11:08] Speaker C: Watch it today. [00:11:10] Speaker E: Yeah, watch it today. [00:11:12] Speaker C: Cooley High is an. [00:11:13] Speaker E: Watch the. You got to watch. I hate to use the word uncut. Just find it where you can see everything in it and it's still applicable, like. Right, exactly. [00:11:24] Speaker C: Yes. [00:11:25] Speaker D: What was made in the early 70s? [00:11:27] Speaker C: Is it early 70s? [00:11:28] Speaker E: Yeah. [00:11:29] Speaker C: Glenn Turman was in it, so. [00:11:30] Speaker E: Yeah. Early seventy s. I know he was a young actor then because the other movie came out. Not the fish cassette perch, but. [00:11:37] Speaker D: Oh, that's a good one, too. Cornbread. [00:11:39] Speaker E: Early me. That's when I met Lawrence Fishburne. When he was that young, he lived across the street from my house. He was staying with his grandmother. [00:11:49] Speaker D: That's when he was Larry. [00:11:50] Speaker E: Yes. Larry Fishburne. He was in that movie as the kid. [00:11:55] Speaker D: Really good movie. [00:11:56] Speaker B: I remember from that movie. I think they attacked a cop car and the black cop got glass in his face. I think I might be talking about. [00:12:08] Speaker E: Earl and me was about. What was his name? Wilkes. Played for the Lakers. And in the movie, he was getting soda pop. And it was during the time of tension between cops and blacks. And he got shot thinking that his soda pop was a gun. He was running because he was running in the rain. He was a basketball star. [00:12:30] Speaker B: And they attacked the cop car because they shot him. [00:12:32] Speaker E: That was Michael car. [00:12:33] Speaker D: I don't think that's the most riveting scene, but no. [00:12:41] Speaker E: Remember, she was eight when it came out. [00:12:43] Speaker B: Oh, my God. I don't know how old. [00:12:44] Speaker D: No, I wasn't even born when it came out. [00:12:47] Speaker E: There you go. [00:12:48] Speaker C: Yeah, that was some good ones. That was some good ones. What's the one with Bill Cosby and Ghost dad? No, we're talking about good. [00:13:02] Speaker E: Uptown Saturday night. Let's do it again. Great soundtrack. [00:13:08] Speaker C: Let's do it again. That's my one. Listen. When Mongo Slade walked in that thing with that outfit, that gun kept falling down his pants. [00:13:21] Speaker E: With them glasses. [00:13:23] Speaker B: I have learned that these old movies are so they wouldn't be able to fly today. [00:13:29] Speaker D: What are you talking about? [00:13:31] Speaker E: They got better themes. [00:13:32] Speaker C: Much better themes. [00:13:35] Speaker E: More depth. Yes. [00:13:36] Speaker B: Saturday Night fever. And that was wild. It was a lot. [00:13:41] Speaker E: It was about disco and for me to come up, not only to come up as a teenager there. We went up to 86th street to see that colorful floor, because that's in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn. And we went to see that, but we lived that. We wore those bell bottoms. We wore those marshmallow platform shoes. [00:14:04] Speaker B: The whole storyline was wild. You didn't. [00:14:08] Speaker D: No, I've seen the movie. I didn't wear mushrooms. [00:14:12] Speaker B: Okay. [00:14:13] Speaker D: I just wouldn't do it. [00:14:13] Speaker E: Yeah, I got you. [00:14:14] Speaker C: I just wouldn't do it. [00:14:16] Speaker E: Lee Jeans were like that at times. [00:14:18] Speaker C: Go. [00:14:19] Speaker E: When I playboys. But I'm older than you. [00:14:21] Speaker C: Yeah, just a tad. [00:14:24] Speaker E: There you go. [00:14:25] Speaker C: Nick. [00:14:26] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:14:27] Speaker C: I was perusing the Internet the other day. Facebook land. [00:14:31] Speaker D: You found something? [00:14:32] Speaker C: Yes. Nick had a dear. [00:14:34] Speaker D: Oh. [00:14:34] Speaker C: Somebody asking her for some advice and says, dear Nick, let me start with. I am a giver. I love seeing people. I love smile and feel appreciated. So this year, I decided to plan a quick getaway for my boyfriend. But he told me no. Yes. You read it correctly. He told me he didn't want to go. He didn't know where he was. Going. He just knew he didn't have to pay. It was his birthday gift. I thought he would appreciate. His response was, I don't even know what I want to do yet. So I canceled the reservations and waited to see what he wanted to do. He went out on the town with his friends instead. So I'm trying to plan ahead. I tell him I want to take him out of town for his birthday. He told me he will see we take trips so he's not scared to leave the state. But he just doesn't want me to plan a trip for his birthday. I just don't understand. Why is it a man thing? Is it ego? I need help understanding this. [00:15:36] Speaker D: Thank you. [00:15:37] Speaker C: Yes. [00:15:37] Speaker D: What is the question? [00:15:39] Speaker C: What is her question? [00:15:41] Speaker D: Is it his ego? He didn't want to go? [00:15:43] Speaker C: Yeah. She doesn't understand why he doesn't want her to plan his birthday. [00:15:48] Speaker D: Well, first of all, it's selfish. It's my birthday, so why do you get to plan my birthday? Even if what I want to do is not as luxurious as you plan, maybe I just want to kick it with my real guys and hang out. [00:16:05] Speaker B: Okay, I agree with that. [00:16:07] Speaker D: I don't need you to have every day for me. That's why a woman shouldn't buy you clothes. [00:16:11] Speaker B: Really? [00:16:12] Speaker D: Absolutely. [00:16:13] Speaker B: I don't like buying clothes. [00:16:14] Speaker E: Good. [00:16:18] Speaker B: Wow. I was different from hearing that from a man saying, I don't want to spend it with you. [00:16:24] Speaker C: I don't want you to plan because sometimes I don't want to do what you planned. [00:16:29] Speaker A: Okay. [00:16:30] Speaker C: But I'm doing it because you planned it and I care about you and I don't want to hurt your feelings. [00:16:34] Speaker D: That's the wrong reason for doing something which is true. [00:16:37] Speaker C: You tell me all the time. Yeah, but for my birthday or whatever is a special occasion to me. How about ask me what I would like to. [00:16:48] Speaker B: Heard? Like, oh, I'm going to take him to Hawai because I know that's where he wants to go. [00:16:53] Speaker C: No, how about ask me what? I would like to have a conversation. [00:16:57] Speaker B: Okay. [00:16:58] Speaker D: Because the reason she's disappointed is because she already set an expectation without talking to the person who is receiving it. [00:17:06] Speaker E: The reason why I'm quiet because when you threw that out just now, that's the first time I heard that. So I had to sit back and think about that. I can't not say and totally disagree with you on that. I just can't. I hate to use the word selfish in there. I think that's a little bit much. I think it comes down to each individual because if my significant other was planning something and I enjoy spending time with her, then I wouldn't mind that. But it seems my opinion, and that's why I said, I can't deviate too far from what you were saying, is that, to me, either he had premeditated ideas, somebody had some ideas, what he wanted to do, or he just did not want to do it with her. And that's what I said when I saw that comment, that he just did not want to spend that birthday with her and he just want to keep his options open because it might be something else that come up that he may want to do and he didn't want to lock himself into committing and then feel like I could have done this on my special day, which I have to come back to. What you say, that's my day. [00:18:16] Speaker D: My day. One day. [00:18:17] Speaker E: That's my day. So it's interesting that I've planned surprises for my late wife, but it's not like she had something else to do, but she would come back and say, well, it's not that I don't want to do it, but I have my own plans or what I want to do. You understand what I'm saying? So I think he's a little bit cold with this, with her, if she went out the way and planned, but at the end of the day, it is his day. [00:18:44] Speaker C: I disagree with it being cold, because as each one of us on this panel has said, it is my day. So, no, I don't know what you have planned. I don't want to do it. [00:18:58] Speaker E: Wait. Okay, but you don't know what it is. [00:19:02] Speaker B: How about she's paying? [00:19:03] Speaker D: Well, hold on. It's not what I want to, but. [00:19:05] Speaker C: It'S not what I want to do. [00:19:06] Speaker E: But do you know what did you. [00:19:07] Speaker D: It don't matter what it is. Why can't we do it the next day? [00:19:10] Speaker E: I mean, you can. [00:19:11] Speaker C: We could do it for something. [00:19:14] Speaker E: If she said, this is what I wanted to do, and then he comes back and say, I don't want to do that. But he doesn't know what she has planned. But he comes right off the bat. I don't want to do. [00:19:26] Speaker C: But you do know what he does know? What he does know is that he don't plan it. No, he knows that he didn't plan it. [00:19:32] Speaker E: Right. [00:19:34] Speaker C: And he was not consulted, apparently. [00:19:37] Speaker E: Why do you have to be consulted on a surprise? No. If I'm going to surprise Nick on a surprise, if we was in a relationship and I'm going to surprise her, I don't need to consult. I would just say, do you have. [00:19:49] Speaker B: To already know exactly what they like? [00:19:51] Speaker D: Hold on a second. What if he knows his person and her surprises is only good to her, not good to him? [00:19:59] Speaker B: Well, then he need to tell her that. [00:20:01] Speaker D: I'm not saying he can't tell her. [00:20:03] Speaker C: That, but he did. [00:20:04] Speaker D: Not in the letter, but the same accord. She could have discussed it with him. You're right. He doesn't need to know what he's doing. But you can at least say, well, on your birthday, I like to do this. And then they can converse and have a conversation. But her, I think, is just a little. [00:20:21] Speaker E: Was there something in this letter? Unless I'm confusing two letters, is there something that he did something else with his boys prior to that, or. [00:20:29] Speaker C: No, it was prior to that. [00:20:31] Speaker E: Yeah, that's where I'm going with this. See? That's where I'm going with. Look, we men again, we all might have traveled different roads, but I'm going to just be real. I know hanging with the boys and how the boys do things. And I know hanging with the wife and how the wife do things. You understand? And sometimes you might want to do what's with the boys, but you don't want to hurt her feelings. But bottom line is, I'm not going to lock into that because I just feel that he already knew that his boys got something there because that's put in that letter. And for some reason, just me, he does not want to do whatever she has planned because he don't want to. [00:21:08] Speaker C: Do it with her. Well, we could do that another day. [00:21:12] Speaker B: Well, why not say that? [00:21:14] Speaker E: Yeah, he shuts it down. [00:21:19] Speaker D: He didn't say never. He just said, no, not today. [00:21:22] Speaker B: Yeah. I don't even know what I want to do yet. [00:21:27] Speaker E: Okay, this is about a birthday. It's not about doing it the other day. It's about his birthday. This is not like the last time we had this conversation about going to a company party and then celebrating our anniversary, which you could have done the other day. This was either or. He's basically saying, this is my birthday. I don't want to do this on my birthday with you. It's not about another day here. [00:21:49] Speaker B: Well, that's how women are receiving it. Like you're telling me you just don't want to do it with me. [00:21:53] Speaker E: That's it. And that's how I'm receiving. [00:21:54] Speaker D: Because you're making it personal. [00:21:56] Speaker E: No. Hell no. Yes, it is personal. [00:21:58] Speaker B: Very personal. [00:21:58] Speaker E: It is very personal. [00:22:03] Speaker B: Explain to me how it can't explain to me how I shouldn't take it personally. [00:22:09] Speaker E: Exactly. [00:22:09] Speaker D: We should never take things personally because first of all, you added language to something he didn't say. You said, I'm going to take it as you don't want to do it with me. [00:22:18] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:22:19] Speaker C: He did not say. [00:22:19] Speaker D: He didn't say that. So that's how you personalizing it, you making it about you when it's really about that person, his expectations of what he wants to do. And it can never be personal. I give you 364 days out of the year, this one day. Not that we can't do what you want to do a day later today. I don't want that. You don't even have to be hanging with your boys. [00:22:42] Speaker C: It could be, I just want to be home. [00:22:43] Speaker D: I just want to sit down. [00:22:44] Speaker B: It doesn't even have to be go. [00:22:46] Speaker C: Back to on this day. I just want to go down. I don't want to do nothing. [00:22:51] Speaker B: To me. It doesn't have to be about me because you don't want to do it about me. It's about me. [00:22:56] Speaker C: But you ask. [00:22:56] Speaker B: No, let me explain. But if I'm going out of my way and I'm planning something for you because I want you to feel special on your day and it comes off as, yeah, you don't want to do it with me, but that I can't make you feel special. [00:23:14] Speaker D: But that's the problem once you add you to the equation, because that's where. [00:23:18] Speaker C: You'Re making it personal. [00:23:18] Speaker D: That's where you're making it personal. Okay, but do you understand what but means on a sentence? But what but when you say but, no, go ahead. But means neglect everything I said before this, everything. Cancel all of that. Respectfully. And this is what I want to tell you. [00:23:34] Speaker C: Yeah, respectfully. [00:23:34] Speaker D: That's what it means in the context of a sentence. [00:23:37] Speaker B: I just wasn't planning thing anymore. [00:23:39] Speaker D: Well, see, now you take, now you're taking to the extreme and you're going to cause a riff in your relationship. [00:23:45] Speaker B: Because you're making every time I do it. [00:23:49] Speaker C: Who said every time? [00:23:50] Speaker D: It's this one time. [00:23:51] Speaker C: See, it's no, she said they didn't mention other times. She didn't mention any other times. [00:23:56] Speaker D: Okay, but you're right. [00:23:59] Speaker E: Most women. [00:24:00] Speaker B: Yeah, this is the second time. [00:24:02] Speaker D: He did it two times. Wow. Oh, my God. Two times. Wow. Relationship is in danger. Yeah, get the lawyers. [00:24:11] Speaker B: Wow. I wouldn't plan anything anymore, like if I did it the first time and you tell me, hey, I don't know what I want to do yet. So I'm like, okay, cool. Okay, let's follow with your boy. [00:24:21] Speaker C: Let's follow that. [00:24:22] Speaker B: That's what you wanted to do. And then I try to plan ahead again, what she says. So I'm trying to plan ahead again, and I tell him I want to take him out of town for his birthday. He told me he will see. [00:24:32] Speaker D: Okay, but hold on a second. Let's take back to what you said. You said then I wouldn't plan anything else again. [00:24:38] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:24:38] Speaker C: Okay. [00:24:39] Speaker D: First, if this is a two part relationship, you think you're helping, this is the only question, though. Are you helping by taking that position or hurting the relationship? [00:24:50] Speaker B: I don't think I'm doing anything because apparently it's not something he's interested in. [00:24:53] Speaker D: Hold on. No, I'm asking about what you said, not what happened in the letter. You said then I wouldn't do it again. [00:25:00] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:25:00] Speaker D: Do you think that helps or hurts the relationship? [00:25:03] Speaker B: I don't think it does anything. [00:25:05] Speaker D: That is untrue. [00:25:07] Speaker B: Why would it hurt? [00:25:08] Speaker D: Okay. I asked you a question, which I still. You give her applause because she literally still didn't answer the question. [00:25:14] Speaker E: Well, I'm with her. I'll answer it because I'm with Nikon on this, because this is the second time I've done this. So you know what? I'm not going to put myself out there again. So it's not about helping or hurting, because I may not be hurting. I'm not setting myself up for hurt. There's going to be a different way of communicating going down the line. But I know one thing I'm not going to do is I'm not going to plan something again like this. And I'm going to let you know this, because you've done it to me twice. [00:25:50] Speaker D: We still haven't got the answer to the question. Do you think it helps the relationship. [00:25:54] Speaker C: Or hurts the question? [00:25:55] Speaker E: That. And I say, I agree with me that she doesn't. She didn't give an answer. She don't think you agree with her. It does from your perspective. I'm going to tell you why it doesn't hurt. I'm going to tell you why it wouldn't hurt me. Because if my significant other. Let me just say, if my significant other planted two things for whatever, and I say I don't want to do, I turn both down. And then my significant other say, well, you know what? I'm not going to plan anything going forward that doesn't make me look at her and say, well, damn, that messes up the relationship. From my perspective, we better communicate better going ahead in how we plan things. But I'm not looking at that. That hurts. I feel that you can answer yourself. You're looking because you make that statement that you're taking. [00:26:49] Speaker B: Yeah, I'm not going to make the statement, but when I say I'm not going to plan it anymore, it's not to be ill. My intentions are not ill behind that. It's just like, okay, maybe that's not what he wants. [00:27:01] Speaker D: Is there a time limit on what you're saying for maybe the next three months or you're talking about forever? Because once you take an element out of your relationship, it discounts and hurts your relationship. [00:27:11] Speaker B: But it's not an element you're taking out. [00:27:13] Speaker D: You are because. [00:27:16] Speaker C: You'Re taking a part of yourself. [00:27:18] Speaker E: I think you could change the approach differently. You're saying taking it out. [00:27:23] Speaker D: No, we're talking about she's not going to do it anymore. [00:27:25] Speaker E: I heard what Nick said. [00:27:26] Speaker B: I'm not going to do a trip again. That's what she said. [00:27:31] Speaker D: No. [00:27:33] Speaker E: Right. [00:27:33] Speaker D: You just added a word. [00:27:35] Speaker B: Okay, what word? [00:27:36] Speaker D: You said, I'm not planning a trip. You said, I'm not planning anything. [00:27:39] Speaker B: No, that's the word you use. [00:27:42] Speaker C: That's what he's going off of. [00:27:44] Speaker D: I'm going off your words. I don't know your intent. I'm going off your words. He was going off, said, I'm not doing. I won't do that again. [00:27:50] Speaker B: Yeah, you did say, I'm not doing that again. That meaning a trip. [00:27:54] Speaker C: No, the word you use was, I'm not going to do anything anymore. [00:27:58] Speaker B: No, I didn't. We can rewind that back. I said I'm not going to do that again. [00:28:03] Speaker D: You definitely didn't specify trip. [00:28:05] Speaker B: But words are important. [00:28:11] Speaker E: But for me, if you did that to me, I'm cool. Because bottom line is you wouldn't know. [00:28:18] Speaker B: What I'm talking about. [00:28:18] Speaker E: Exactly. So that's what. Exactly. So I understand. [00:28:24] Speaker D: But you didn't specify trip either. You said, I agree with neat. [00:28:28] Speaker E: I agree with neat, but. [00:28:29] Speaker D: So you didn't specify trip either. [00:28:31] Speaker E: But it don't matter for trip or planning because. [00:28:36] Speaker D: In my opinion. See, that's completely different. If you can say, I won't plan a trip again, but I'll maybe do something else different, that's completely different, then I'm not doing anything. [00:28:45] Speaker E: Yeah, see, I'm looking at it because. [00:28:49] Speaker C: You'Re saying that that is the trip, right? The. That is not the trip. The that is planning the birthday. [00:28:55] Speaker D: That's right. [00:28:56] Speaker C: That's the subject. [00:28:58] Speaker E: I'm looking at it from planning the. [00:29:00] Speaker C: Preposition to the subject, which is the planning because we're talking about her planning. [00:29:06] Speaker D: And this is why. [00:29:07] Speaker E: Yeah, but see, planning. I'm looking at planning for hell with the trip. The planning is the surprise. She likes to plan surprises. So when she says, I'm not going to do that anymore, meaning that I'm not going to go out my way to plan a surprise for you, but that doesn't bother me. [00:29:26] Speaker D: Hold on. I don't even mean being bothered, but I asked did it add or subtract? Because I'll use myself personally. I'm very hard to offend. My lady can do a lot of things. I don't hold it against her. I just don't have time to walk around being offended. Me and you can argue we walk right in the door and you got a flat tire. Guess what I'm going to do? I don't take it personally. [00:29:53] Speaker E: Right. [00:29:53] Speaker D: So me, it works fine for me. But I know if I told my lady that, that would hurt her. [00:29:59] Speaker E: See, that's what I'm trying to say. It's how we look at it. [00:30:03] Speaker B: But now you look at two different. [00:30:04] Speaker E: People, you just say it wouldn't bother you. For your lady, it would bother you. I'm saying for me it wouldn't bother me. [00:30:10] Speaker D: But I asked, did it add or subtract from the relationship? [00:30:13] Speaker B: Now I know why you asked that question. Because I was talking about. No, you were asking me does it add or subtract? I get that now why you asked me that. [00:30:23] Speaker D: No, you don't know why I asked you that? [00:30:25] Speaker E: Okay, well, I don't look at it. [00:30:26] Speaker B: As subtracting, but you. [00:30:30] Speaker E: Subtract him because he already said it. Anytime you take something out of the relationship, it's subtraction. Yeah, but what if you change the. [00:30:39] Speaker C: Form of how you add anything by the question itself. [00:30:44] Speaker B: Okay. [00:30:45] Speaker C: Add or subtract. If you taking a part of you out of any part of any relationship, subtracts from the relationship. [00:30:54] Speaker E: I don't care what it is, but if you change. I don't form of it. [00:30:57] Speaker C: But what was said was I'm not doing that. [00:31:02] Speaker B: That's why I said, I understand why he asked me that question. Because I said that it wasn't clear that it was a trip. No, he took it as I wasn't doing anything. [00:31:10] Speaker C: Let's put it in the context of the trip. [00:31:13] Speaker E: Right? I know what you said. [00:31:14] Speaker C: What is anything? By definition subtract is to take away it never happened. [00:31:19] Speaker B: If you take away, never happened, but. [00:31:21] Speaker D: You'Re taking an opportunity of it happening again. Because he could say yes next time. This just wasn't. [00:31:27] Speaker C: These first two times are just. [00:31:28] Speaker D: Wasn't the right time. [00:31:29] Speaker C: Just wasn't for him. [00:31:31] Speaker E: And I know what you're saying, and I hear what you're saying, but I'm just saying that the next time I'm not going to take it out. I just know that I will do it differently. Meaning that this is my significant other. Her birthday is coming up. Now, how I approach it, I'm not going to plan, but I'm going to go to her and have a conversation. You understand? So I'm not taking anything out of this. [00:31:55] Speaker C: That's what you're saying, right? [00:31:56] Speaker E: That's what I'm saying. [00:31:57] Speaker C: Yes. Which is different than what Nick said. [00:32:00] Speaker D: Because you said, I agree with Nick. That's how you. [00:32:02] Speaker E: I agree with Nick. [00:32:03] Speaker C: Okay. [00:32:03] Speaker D: Now, you and Nick didn't talk about that prior. [00:32:05] Speaker E: No. [00:32:05] Speaker D: So y'all actually have two different answers. [00:32:08] Speaker C: Okay. Because what you're saying is the next time, my approach is different. That means there's a next time. [00:32:14] Speaker D: That's right. [00:32:15] Speaker C: Nick was saying, there's not a next time. [00:32:17] Speaker D: It's over. It's a rap. I ain't doing this no more. I ain't never planning a trip. And I think that takes away from the relationship. [00:32:24] Speaker E: Yeah, I got it. [00:32:25] Speaker C: That's what I was saying. [00:32:30] Speaker D: That could make a relationship a little harder and relationships already hard. [00:32:34] Speaker B: It might need to be hard because why? We might need to have a conversation. It might not be working. [00:32:39] Speaker D: Well, why don't you start with the conversation and don't make it hard. [00:32:42] Speaker B: Well, I mean, it's going to be hard. [00:32:45] Speaker E: You know what? This is why we. And I said this before, you make great points. And I'm going to say this. This is why I've said before that we need to reevaluate relationships when I've said this before, because when I use the word reevaluate, that don't mean a man and two women. What I mean is that. [00:33:09] Speaker D: Polygamy? Polygamy. [00:33:12] Speaker E: Yeah, that's what I mean. But what I'm saying. [00:33:14] Speaker D: Are you speaking for. [00:33:17] Speaker E: We're not in that conversation. I'm not going there. I ain't got a problem with it, so. I don't have a problem with it, but that's not what the point I'm making. The point I'm saying is I do agree with what you said about how the problems that we have in relationships is something sometimes it's the dynamics of understanding what relationships are one, and then understanding yourself and understanding your partner. You made mention of something that I have to agree with you. You said, I don't take it personal. I mean, that's part of your makeup. But you also say, why didn't we have a discussion first instead of going to defcom ten? So I said, damn, he's right. That's why we get in relationships. And for whatever reasons, we wind up taking each other for granted. I don't know what it is, but for some reason, we don't know how to relate with one another. A lot of people don't. Some do. And a lot of people that have successful relationships, they tend to be able to relate better with one another than some people. [00:34:26] Speaker C: Well, I think it's more so. I think they understand each other better. [00:34:29] Speaker E: They understand and cause relationship better. Relationship. [00:34:33] Speaker C: Because one thing I could say about. [00:34:36] Speaker E: Not all. [00:34:36] Speaker C: No, because your relationship to me is an example of such. I think you do a great job of understanding your woman. [00:34:45] Speaker D: I try. [00:34:46] Speaker C: You try to understand her and you try to meet her where she is and you don't take anything she says, as you said personally, and I've seen you, she said, that ain't about me. That don't bother me. [00:35:00] Speaker D: Because most times we're dealing with our own trauma. That's what causes us to react to another person. [00:35:04] Speaker E: Well, when you say it doesn't bother you, if she critiques you on something, are you able to look yourself and say, you know what? She is right. [00:35:11] Speaker D: I would prefer her to do that. [00:35:12] Speaker E: Okay, cool. [00:35:13] Speaker C: That's what I'm saying. [00:35:15] Speaker E: That's communication. [00:35:17] Speaker C: But that's healthy relationship. [00:35:18] Speaker E: Exactly. [00:35:19] Speaker D: It doesn't mean she's right in all cases. No, but in relating to her, she would prefer me to be this way. [00:35:26] Speaker E: Right. [00:35:26] Speaker D: That don't mean I got to hug you self. Every time I see you, see where. [00:35:33] Speaker E: I'm getting at, I'm going to be on. Because I keep asking these questions and you just broke it down. In another light is why do we have so many problems within relationships? And the reason why is because we really get together for some very superficial reasons and the essence isn't there. [00:35:55] Speaker C: But people don't want to admit that. [00:35:58] Speaker B: Of course. [00:35:58] Speaker C: Not that they get together for super. It starts, they don't want to admit. [00:36:01] Speaker E: It, but it's the truth. [00:36:05] Speaker C: That's the reason why I approached you is because you look good. I would not approach you if you. [00:36:09] Speaker D: Didn'T look good or attractive or attractive. [00:36:13] Speaker C: Because at the end of the day. Anybody who says otherwise, a liar. It's a lie. You find this person attractive. So you started this. So it begins superficial. And through this, I was on a phone with someone, and she was like, I hate when people say, I want to get to know you as a friend of mine, I hate when people say, I want to get to know you. What the hell? What else are they supposed to say? That they're getting to know you as a person. They don't know you from anything. They know that they found you attractive, and they want to see if there's depth or anything there that would cause them to be more attracted to you rather than just surface level. I mean, the problem is most people don't go through that. [00:36:55] Speaker E: And I'll say, that's a little bit more today. I don't want to go too far back, but I've been with women that I wasn't attracted to, and I've known people who've been with. I've been with women that I wasn't attracted to. It just was about hitting it when I was younger, just to hit it, to keep it moving. What I'm saying is a lot of people have done that. They still do it, but I've seen this done. The reason why I use back in the days, because when somebody got pregnant, they felt like, oh, I'm obligated to do the right thing. You got to stand up and be the man and do the right thing. You got to marry her. You got to make that blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You understand? And you get together and you know, this is not what you want to do, but you been brought up to be a responsible person, and that's what also causes those problems. You don't have those things today. You see, people get together for whatever those superficial reasons are, then a baby comes out of it. But a lot of guys are like, that don't mean I got to marry you today. Back then, it was more pressure on the man to do that. [00:38:02] Speaker D: That's more of a cultural thing. [00:38:03] Speaker C: Yeah, that's a cultural thing, too. To be there when he had a couple of comments here, and I don't agree with a bunch of them. [00:38:12] Speaker D: These are unique's comments or someone else's. [00:38:14] Speaker C: No, these are other people's comments, and. [00:38:17] Speaker E: I commented on it, too. [00:38:18] Speaker C: Okay, brother Fatin, we've got his comment. Amy from the dj blaze radio show. [00:38:23] Speaker D: What did Amy have to say? [00:38:24] Speaker C: Shouts out to Amy, that man don't want her. [00:38:26] Speaker E: Next. [00:38:27] Speaker D: Amy, stop it, Amy. [00:38:30] Speaker C: Who is saying he don't want her? [00:38:31] Speaker D: Don't say that. [00:38:32] Speaker B: I tell you, that's how it comes off to women. [00:38:36] Speaker D: I don't even want you now just because I didn't want to do one thing. [00:38:39] Speaker C: Dawn said he doesn't like you. Pick up your feelings and go to your mama house. [00:38:45] Speaker D: No. [00:38:46] Speaker C: What is wrong? Why is these ladies like this? He is with you. [00:38:50] Speaker D: Can you comment, y'all? No, that doesn't mean that. [00:38:56] Speaker C: Baby, take somebody else and talk about it when y'all get back. Heather, he doesn't want to spend his birthday with her. That could be possible. Yeah, that's a possible. This one here, he might be a power bottom. He chose his boys over her. Let him go. [00:39:14] Speaker D: That's not fair. [00:39:16] Speaker C: That's not fair. [00:39:17] Speaker D: That's not. [00:39:19] Speaker B: I will say, I don't like when. [00:39:22] Speaker C: Nick did address it and she said, log off. [00:39:26] Speaker B: I don't like when women attack men with the whole gay thing. When it comes to how a woman feels, like when a woman's feeling, because. [00:39:37] Speaker D: She'S making it personal. [00:39:38] Speaker B: Yeah, it's kind of an attack. Like, oh, he must be gay. He must like men. If he, first of all, for me, aren't you just not like you. [00:39:46] Speaker E: But see, that's the problem. You know what? See, I guess I hear what you said about attacking. I hate to say I don't like the absolute about he is gay, but there's a possibility, and this happened in real life to my friend. And unfortunately, and I'll give it to you, the real. Her boyfriend went out of the country. She surprised him on his birthday to go over there. When she got there, he was like, well, I didn't know you was coming. I'm going out with the boys. He was about to say nothing wrong with it. She told my wife, my wife was like, maybe he was playing blah blah blah. Come to find out this guy was a doctor, because this guy lied. He was a down low brother, gave her a's and she died. Personal friend. So what I'm saying is, don't say that. [00:40:45] Speaker C: That can't be true. I'm not saying can't be true, but I don't think that's. I don't think that that's where we should go instantly. And it's only of recent social media culture that people are jumping to those. Listen to what I said, okay? I am not saying it's the possibility. [00:41:09] Speaker E: What you said. [00:41:10] Speaker C: What I'm saying is people jumping to that conclusion, maybe in the last couple of years, is when people start going, oh, he must be gay. He must be down low. That was not what was being said prior to. [00:41:22] Speaker E: But I go back to when Oprah had the guy on, which I've had him and his wife on. They're the brother that talked about the down low situation. This is the 90s. [00:41:32] Speaker C: But what I'm saying is, I'm not saying that the possibility of there being download brothers or guys, that's always been a possibility. When a woman doesn't get, he don't want her, he want a guy. What a minute. [00:41:44] Speaker D: Somebody making something personal. [00:41:46] Speaker E: So what's the difference? Wait a minute. So what's the difference? Just tell me and I'll respect what you say. Tell me what's the difference? If somebody comes up with their opinion, it may be a guy or he don't want to be with her. It's just their opinion. He don't want to be with you on his birthday or he want to be with his boys and he may be down low. What's the difference? [00:42:07] Speaker D: Okay. I don't know between those two, but I can tell you a lot of this is just herd mentality. Dog piling, jump. [00:42:15] Speaker E: Oh, of course. [00:42:18] Speaker D: Because I don't think either of those women necessarily mean that 100%. [00:42:23] Speaker C: Absolutely. [00:42:23] Speaker D: I think it's just a comment. [00:42:25] Speaker E: It's a comment. [00:42:25] Speaker D: But sometimes those comments gain legs. [00:42:28] Speaker E: Exactly. [00:42:29] Speaker D: Now, going back to just the scenario you gave about your friend or this gentleman, him going out with his boys or him going out of the country didn't make him gay. He was gay before. [00:42:43] Speaker E: Exactly. [00:42:43] Speaker D: Long time before. He could have been born that way or chose to be that way. But he was already gay. You just found out and that'll make. [00:42:52] Speaker E: All your boys doesn't. [00:42:55] Speaker C: One comment. I did like Ranisha Jasmine to be honest. Vernisha Jasmine to be honest, we're all from the outside looking in, just speculating. Cis could be withholding information. Like do they get extremely confrontational while on trips? Because if so, I wouldn't want to spend time on my birthday arguing or fighting with my significant other either. Also, are you arguing on vacation? That's some very toxic behavior that needs to be dropped immediately. I just don't have enough info to give any advice. So I'm just going to play devil's advocate and say I can see this going both ways. If I know my mate and I know that we are prone to have disagreements. No, today I don't want this. [00:43:47] Speaker B: If your significant other is the type of individual that always asks for the manager. No, I do not want to go anywhere with you. [00:43:54] Speaker D: You don't? [00:43:55] Speaker B: Okay, I don't. Because it's going to be like anywhere we go, it's going to be, oh my God, this is not right. [00:44:03] Speaker A: Why? [00:44:04] Speaker B: This is like that? Why is this? I don't like these sheets. These sheets are dirty. [00:44:10] Speaker D: Are you saying that may be the woman? Because if the man's doing that, you might have a download brother. [00:44:15] Speaker B: Yeah, but most women are like, okay. [00:44:18] Speaker D: Yeah, that's her man's fault. [00:44:21] Speaker E: The bottom line is he doesn't want to spend that birthday with her and it's okay and that's it. But for me, and like you said, now I guess when I say taking it personal, I'm looking at from how I would do it is that I've had my boys and let's just say you my boys and I've known you for a little while. Unless we had a special trip that we going so and so. But I enjoy being with my significant other. So when it came up to those special moments, birthdays and stuff, I enjoyed that time with her. And you know who would get the next day would be my boys. My boys would get the next day, not her getting the next day. [00:44:59] Speaker D: Absolutely. [00:45:00] Speaker B: Well, I don't think she feels like he's doing it. [00:45:04] Speaker D: That's the right way to do it. [00:45:05] Speaker E: There you go. That's it. That's how I'm looking at it for me, just for teen, how I would move if she had this thing planned and I didn't have no plans. There got to be a reason why I don't want to do it with her. And I'm just feeling that there's got to be something that he doesn't want to be with her that day. [00:45:25] Speaker B: Well, I mean, in a letter she doesn't say, is he cheating on me? She says, is it a man thing? Is it his ego? She's asking because she doesn't understand it. So she's seeking understanding. [00:45:39] Speaker D: It's not an ego, it's not a man thing. [00:45:42] Speaker B: Okay, well, apparently as a woman, I don't understand. [00:45:45] Speaker D: Now there's two parts to this. What should the man have done better, in my opinion, is what you said. He should have checked with her to make sure she didn't have plans for them. Anniversary, Christmas, any holiday, just check. Always refer to her. You have something planned. Secondly, if you plan a surprise for me, let it be for me, not let it surprise me. And most of those surprises with women, you spend just as much money as they spend. Because if she plans and she bought. [00:46:24] Speaker B: Tickets, she said she was paying for everything. [00:46:27] Speaker D: There's no woman in the history of women who would pay for everything. [00:46:30] Speaker B: I do. [00:46:32] Speaker D: That's every meal, the ride there, the hotel. No, I never experienced. [00:46:37] Speaker C: Yeah. I want to find her. Wherever she is. Find me, please. [00:46:42] Speaker B: I've done it. I pay for the gas. [00:46:43] Speaker D: The right man ain't even going to let you pay for everything. [00:46:46] Speaker B: Throughout the weekend, he tried not to. [00:46:49] Speaker D: But every time you pull in a joke, your car, you crying, I'll pay for it. Don't worry. [00:46:54] Speaker B: I never cried. But like you were about to, he felt some type of way, like when we were at dinner, when they put the check down and they put it beside him and I went to grab it, he was like, don't do that. [00:47:08] Speaker D: Yeah, women don't have that in them. You got it. That's my man. [00:47:14] Speaker B: He was like, I'm going to pay for it. And I just cashed out the money. [00:47:17] Speaker C: Okay, we got another one here, and it's a short one. Okay. All right, dear. Neat. I'm struggling. Day eleven of no contact after six years, and it's hitting me hard today. I don't want to talk to him, but I do. I miss him, but trying to remember the bad times and why I ended things, it's just hard. Help. What are some things that you've done to get through the slump until you're okay? [00:47:48] Speaker B: Find a hobby. [00:47:50] Speaker D: Find a hobby. [00:47:51] Speaker B: Find a hobby. Something that you could do whenever they become a thought, when you want to reach out, find a hobby that keeps you active. That is completely like. You have no choice but to do just that. You can't pick up your phone. You can't go fishing. Go do a puzzle. Talk to a friend. Go somewhere with a friend. Take a day trip. Do something that's going to get your mind off of wanting to even think about them. [00:48:25] Speaker C: Okay. [00:48:26] Speaker D: She could forgive. [00:48:29] Speaker E: You. [00:48:29] Speaker C: Think that's what it is? She hasn't forgiven? [00:48:31] Speaker D: I don't know. [00:48:33] Speaker C: She's just asking for ways. [00:48:34] Speaker D: The most scenario is probably cheating, right? Is that the easiest one to go with? [00:48:38] Speaker C: That's the easiest one to go to. [00:48:42] Speaker D: Are you the staller or the stallee? Which one are you? Because I'm the staller and you cheated on me. After six years, I'm biting a bullet. I'm not calling you. I'll just take the pain. [00:48:57] Speaker B: Sometimes you do get weak, and you can get weak. [00:49:01] Speaker D: If I break up with you, I'm going to miss you. But I will miss you in my own peace. I'm not calling. You won't know. [00:49:09] Speaker C: I miss you, brother teen sitting with us here, but I'm going to read his comment, hey, sis. For me, I gave in initially and reached out. How I finally got over that hump was when I became totally fed up with her bs and presented myself with the following question. Would I rather be miserable with her or miserable without her? Once I answered that question and said, I would rather be miserable without her because I can control that situation, I totally broke it off with no contact, no kids were involved. Yes, I would go through withdrawal of missing the good times. But as time went by, I enjoyed the peace over enjoying the chaos. [00:49:45] Speaker B: And I always say, don't delete the messages just so you can go back and read them to let you know why you had to leave in the first place. [00:49:55] Speaker D: But you're still thinking about that person. [00:49:57] Speaker B: And sometimes you got to go back. [00:49:59] Speaker D: When you see them. Good messages in them. [00:50:01] Speaker B: No, you got to go to the bad messages. [00:50:04] Speaker E: But that's what I'm saying. I went through this chaos. This is through my first marriage, and I went through a lot of hell. And then when I finally asked that question, I said, damn, this makes so much sense. This is chaotic with her. I know the pain every time I try to break it off and go back because I'm missing. But I was like, this is crazy. I'd rather go through that withdrawal. And I mentioned this on another show. I put her picture up every time I got up to go to the bathroom. I had to walk by the dresser and had a picture of me and her. And I'm thinking the worst. The worst scenario is she's with so and so and she's blah blah blah. Because the bottom line is, this is not a healthy relationship, and I have to go through this. And even though I would go to work, come home because I mentioned Macy's, I took a second job. That is the reason. Still not the same reason, but that was my reason of taking a second job, to deal with my idle time. Because I would come home and just get into bed. My boys would see this and see I was kind of getting in a funk. And when I took that second job, I started to find myself, and it became more therapeutic at the end of the day. So that's what I'm saying. She asks, how do you get over the hump? If you know it's toxic or you know it's no good, then you got to leave it alone. But it's not easy. It's easy for us to be Monday morning quarterback. It's the emotion that is there, and it takes a little bit of time. But if you know it's not good. You have to find other things to do to deal with that idle time. [00:51:33] Speaker C: Well, I think me, because I was in a situation one time, once in my life, and I dealt with it the completely wrong way. [00:51:44] Speaker E: Okay. [00:51:45] Speaker C: Completely wrong way. I found I literally, and I do drink, but this was something different because I was literally every day drinking just to not have to deal with it. And I went through that for a couple of months. I went through it for probably about, maybe about a month, month and a half. And every single day, drunk, drunk. I could not deal with it. The hurt from it, from her leaving. [00:52:16] Speaker D: Okay, I have a question for everybody. Does the offense matter? [00:52:20] Speaker C: No, because I didn't leave her, so I'm a little bit different. [00:52:25] Speaker D: So this is just a breakup? [00:52:26] Speaker C: This is a breakup where I thought everything was, you know, every relationship has its issues, but I never thought she would leave. And one day she came home and was just like, I didn't cheat. There was no cheating was involved. It's just our relationship wasn't working for her. [00:52:44] Speaker D: So that's like not getting along. [00:52:46] Speaker C: Yeah, but that's the thing. We didn't even really argue. [00:52:49] Speaker B: It was just, she didn't want to be there. [00:52:50] Speaker C: She just didn't want to be there anymore. [00:52:52] Speaker B: And sometimes. [00:52:54] Speaker C: No, what I'm saying is because. I'm saying, because of my ways, I'm not saying that I didn't cheat or anything like that. [00:53:03] Speaker B: You were just who you are. [00:53:04] Speaker C: I was just who I am, and that's not what she wanted. And no matter how much she communicated that to me, what she wanted, I did not make the necessary changes. [00:53:14] Speaker B: I am who I am. [00:53:15] Speaker C: To give her. I am who I. [00:53:17] Speaker E: She did what she had to do. [00:53:18] Speaker C: She did what she had to do. She left and left. [00:53:21] Speaker D: You said you thought everything was fine. Now you're saying that she told you something. [00:53:26] Speaker C: Yeah, she did, but in my head, and we've had this discussion, yeah. [00:53:30] Speaker B: He didn't want to change because it wasn't hurting anything. [00:53:34] Speaker C: But your relationship to me, what she was saying wasn't. [00:53:37] Speaker B: She wasn't leaving. [00:53:38] Speaker C: Her issue wasn't valid to me because I was like, I'm not doing anything. I'm not out there cheating. I come home every night, I'm taking care of this family. I'm doing stuff when you can't financially, with no help, basically telling her, you. [00:53:52] Speaker B: Should be appreciating me. I'm the prize. [00:53:55] Speaker C: That might have been it. That might have been it. That would have sound like what she required of me. I didn't think was an issue until she left. And then when she left, it completely crushed me. [00:54:08] Speaker D: So are you going off what you thought a relationship was versus being in a relationship? Because I know sometimes, good point. We could. [00:54:16] Speaker E: That's a good point. [00:54:17] Speaker D: Operate like we doing a good job in a relationship. And I use my father, for instance, my dad grew up without his dad, so he always longed for someone to provide, buy and do things. So as he started by having children, he thought as long as he bought, provided that he was being a good father. So me as an adult going to therapy, 20s, like, that's not a good father. He was like, well, my dad didn't do nothing for me. I didn't experience my dad not doing nothing for me. You've always done. So. He was operating from his system of not having versus raising his family the way he raised his family. So sometimes in relationships we go off what we think is right versus listening to the other person saying, this is what it's going to take to be in a relationship with me because it's different. [00:55:13] Speaker C: And I agree now. I didn't agree then. It was just. And that's why I say I dealt with it the wrong way because I did blame myself for a good bit of that time, which is what I should have done because I was the person who didn't listen. But now it was for the best. I see that it was for the best for the both of us because, yes, she's way happier than, she's way happier now. [00:55:41] Speaker D: But couldn't she been happier if you had made certain change or was no. Happy. We're going to be no happiness. [00:55:46] Speaker C: No, because I couldn't make those adjustments. [00:55:48] Speaker B: Why? [00:55:49] Speaker D: So you had to lose something to. [00:55:52] Speaker C: I had to lose something to learn. But didn't you make the adjustments after the fact? [00:55:56] Speaker D: But you said I couldn't make the adjustments. [00:55:58] Speaker C: No, because at the time, I didn't see the value. I didn't see that I needed to make the adjustment. [00:56:05] Speaker E: That's what growth is. [00:56:05] Speaker B: So she wasn't worth making those changes for? [00:56:08] Speaker E: No, he didn't say that. [00:56:10] Speaker C: I'm not saying that. [00:56:11] Speaker E: He just wasn't in that place. [00:56:16] Speaker C: But he wasn't. That's how she feels now. [00:56:18] Speaker E: Yeah, but you wasn't that to me. Yeah, but at that particular time, you wasn't in that mental space to do that as yourself. You're looking at yourself. And I realized that by dealing, I have a small amount of serious relationships, but a lot of relationships with women. And I just realized that sometimes you can make those adjustments and sometimes they just lose the interest. But you kind of played this right out into our hands. Basically, she told you what she needed at that particular time. You didn't make those adjustments for your reasons, and she left. And she told you that. So you had to suck that up. But you know that. [00:57:01] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:57:01] Speaker C: Because, I mean, you learned from that. Oh, definitively. I carry myself differently in that aspect of what she needed, change for what she needed. So she jokes at him every now and then, goes, we probably still be together. If you've been doing this, then. [00:57:18] Speaker B: So you all still talk. [00:57:19] Speaker D: Relax. [00:57:20] Speaker E: Yeah. [00:57:20] Speaker D: Don't let Nissi get under. [00:57:22] Speaker B: Relax. [00:57:24] Speaker C: You know her? What are you talking about? [00:57:25] Speaker B: I do. [00:57:26] Speaker D: You don't have to respond. [00:57:29] Speaker C: She's been a guest on our show. You know her? [00:57:31] Speaker D: Oh, Lord. [00:57:36] Speaker C: Me and her even did an episode about our breakup on our feed. You can go back and listen to it. It's on the feed. You can go back and check it out. Give us another listen on an episode. [00:57:46] Speaker B: Okay. [00:57:46] Speaker E: Yeah. [00:57:47] Speaker C: You know who it is. [00:57:53] Speaker D: So you were drinking because you missed her or because you disappointed yourself? [00:57:57] Speaker C: Both. [00:57:59] Speaker B: The black notebook. [00:58:00] Speaker C: Yeah, both. [00:58:02] Speaker D: I never blamed me. I don't take no accountability. I'm like, it was you, but I. [00:58:07] Speaker C: Had to take the get. For me to be better, I had to take the accountability. [00:58:13] Speaker E: How do you grow for me? [00:58:16] Speaker D: You can take accountability without punishing yourself. [00:58:18] Speaker E: No, you don't have to punish yourself. But if the truth is there, I. [00:58:23] Speaker D: Can tell the truth. [00:58:24] Speaker E: No, but if you need to make improvements and you're not willing to accept and deal with that accountability, then you're comfortable where you at and you deal with whatever comes that way. You know what I'm saying? [00:58:38] Speaker D: So that's how there was no relationship leader then. [00:58:42] Speaker C: What do you mean? [00:58:43] Speaker D: Somebody has to be the leading in a relationship. [00:58:45] Speaker C: I think she took the lead. It was me. And then when she definitely did the. [00:58:51] Speaker D: Accounting. [00:58:55] Speaker C: She went ahead and. [00:58:56] Speaker E: No. [00:58:59] Speaker C: But also my naivety was also played a part in it, too, because she showed me signs of being out before she left always. And I did not acknowledge that at all throughout this time. So when she left, I was like, where are you going? Because it was how everything kind of happened was just. And so it may put me in a place where it was really bad for me. And I just went to the bottle every single day and didn't have my kids. So my life changed drastically. Drastically in that moment. And so when you go from a house full of people, you have a significant other, but it's also the kids and that particular family. It's a family environment, and then the next day, it's not there, and there's no coming back, and you realize that a part of it is you. Like, it's you. Yeah. That put me in a bad mental state. [01:00:03] Speaker D: Was she right or wrong? [01:00:04] Speaker B: She was obviously right. [01:00:06] Speaker E: She was right, obviously, because he said that. [01:00:13] Speaker C: I don't know if she was 100% right, but she was right for her. [01:00:17] Speaker E: Got it. [01:00:19] Speaker C: She was right for her. Now, I learned some things about myself through that, because my relationships have gone off of what was emulated to me by my parents and my grandmother. So the value of everything was always on. The hustle, the grind, the work. I love you because you have a roof over your head. You know, I love you because you got food. You don't have to ask these questions. Never heard my grandmother say the words ever, and she's passed on. I never heard her say, I love you, Yusuf. Never. My dad still hasn't said it. No, he said it the other day. He was drunk. [01:00:55] Speaker E: Drinking problem? [01:00:56] Speaker C: No, my dad likes them. No, my dad likes his wine. My dad likes his wine. My dad likes his wine. He doesn't get to that point. All I seen and growing up was work. Work. We spent a lot of time at home alone. It was always work. So, for me, if they're functioning within their relationships, not really paying attention that my mom and dad are not together. Not really paying attention to. My mom has not had a successful relationship ever. Not paying attention to. No, I'm just saying not paying attention to. My dad, finally, with one woman at 70, has never been with just one woman for as long as I could remember. So I don't know if it's, hey, it's time that I settle down now with this one woman. [01:01:50] Speaker D: Yes. [01:01:51] Speaker C: But he's been married three times. This is third one. Yeah. [01:01:53] Speaker E: He hit so many things going. Yeah. [01:01:55] Speaker C: So, for me, I'm emulating that throughout everything. And it took for this one event to happen to me to let me see things from a different perspective. And even, like, cl had to talk me through some of that stuff, and it's just a matter of. And then I had another friend who helped me get through that stuff. Just talking through and some counseling. It's just a matter of. So I understand to a certain degree that people deal with breakups and stuff differently. Differently. And for some of us, the wrong way, because I think that I was a borderline alcoholic. I was, like, on the edge of, like that. And through my friendship with Cl, friendship with a couple of other friendships, I was able to pull myself out of that. And I don't even know if Cl knows that. But no, honestly, he helped me through that, and it's just regular conversations without him even knowing. [01:02:52] Speaker D: Two drinks, I think. Crazy. [01:02:56] Speaker E: Yeah. [01:02:56] Speaker C: But I was buying a bottle and killing a bottle every single day. [01:03:00] Speaker D: Jesus. [01:03:01] Speaker B: Lord have mercy. [01:03:02] Speaker C: Every single day. It was not a day that I was not either about to be drunk or drunk because I couldn't deal with that. And I think that there are more people out there that deal with things in a negative way than those that find the positivist and find a way to deal with it in a positive way. [01:03:18] Speaker E: It's hard. [01:03:18] Speaker C: It's hard sometimes, especially if you don't have the support around you. [01:03:21] Speaker B: Yeah. [01:03:22] Speaker C: Because, I'm going to be honest. Had it not, like I said, never said it to him publicly or even personally, had it not been my friendship with him, doc, Malcolm, Hannah, a couple of other people. I'm probably in somebody rehab somewhere. [01:03:38] Speaker B: Wow. [01:03:39] Speaker C: And even the next step was me getting my son coming back to live with me. That was another part that helped me become a better you, a better me, because now I can't hustle and grind because I can't really be so caught up in that because I got to have him. Like, I got to deal with him, I got to take him to school. And then the other one came, and so it made me, I think, a better father to them because I was not putting. Like, I recently stepped down from basketball to have more time with my kids. I would have never done that if I was still with her because she was at home with the kids. So there was somebody there. I didn't have to find a babysitter. I didn't have to bring them on the road with me. She would come to the games, take them home, but now it's my responsibility. And the way I saw it affect my kids last year, I was like, I got to put more time in them, and I have to find a way to make the same money doing less. Once again, Cl gave me an idea. He said, hey, if it's not a position that they're giving you, create one so that you give yourself more time. And it's been one of the best decisions I've ever made because I'm doing a lot more stuff and having the time with my kids. [01:04:57] Speaker B: You need to talk to my cousin. [01:04:59] Speaker D: Who? Your cousin that did the show. [01:05:03] Speaker C: It's interesting. [01:05:03] Speaker E: We were talking about. [01:05:06] Speaker B: I'm dead serious. I think she's still dealing with a breakup from ten years ago, and it's to a point. Yeah. Where every single day she goes through a bottle. It started with wine, and now it's at liquor, and it's where I can make her something. And I think it's strong. And I could drink you under the table, but I think it's strong. And she was like, I don't taste nothing. [01:05:42] Speaker C: Oh, now you get to that point where then you get to the point where you're numb. [01:05:45] Speaker B: Yeah. And I told her, you have a problem. She was like, I even told her to go get her liver check. No, really? Because her face is starting to break out here, and that's a part of your liver. And she was like, I don't drink that much. Drink every day. [01:06:02] Speaker E: Oh, gosh, there's somebody down here. Yeah, because I ran into somebody, but that's another story. I ain't going there. But one of the things, as I'm listening to you, just all of us in Cl and all of this here about relationships and soul mates, there's a difference when you get in a relationship with somebody. Let's just say you're relating with them, but there's a difference when I use the word soulmate for other people. It may be different for me when you get in a relationship and you feel that you met your soulmate, and I don't believe there's one soul mate for you, but there's somebody that just fits more like hand in glove. And the reason why I bring this up, because of dating and whatever and then meeting my late wife and then being together for 32 years and working like this, I've never worked like that with any other woman. I've met some dynamic women, and I would never put some of these dynamic women, and a lot of them, if you look at their credentials, the degrees, the jobs and the looks and this, that and other, but it was something that they didn't have that she had, you understand? But the trade in was the sickle cell that she had, the sickle cell disease, you understand? And it was something else there. But I was still able to not only deal with that, but I still had this. And when you have that and you go for such a long period of time, like when you was just talking about your story, I'm saying, if I was younger, like, where I'm at now, it's a little scary out here for me now because my measuring or my ruler is her, but it's not fair to the next woman to measure up to her. But I knew what made me happy. So I don't know where I'm going right now. So that's why I know you never want to pass up where you feel it might be right. But I know for me it's going to be, of course it's going to be something that I'm attracted to, but it's also going to be something with substance. And it's not where it's a list of things. It's just who you are that I feel comfortable with. I kind of feel people's energy. And when I felt hers, I just got off the phone with my boy. I called him right away and said she was the one and I've been with her. You know what I'm saying? So for me, where I'm at in my stage, I just don't know. Because to me, when I broke about my first marriage, I'm 24, no kids. So my life is ahead of me. It's a different stage now for me. I'm not starting over with no, I got two grown kids. You understand what I'm saying? I'm in that last quarter of life, 25, 35, 40, whatever that quarter is. I'm still in that last quarter of my life. So where do I go? How do I relate with people? What is the word? Compromise. I hate to use that word, but. [01:09:16] Speaker C: You don't like that word. [01:09:17] Speaker E: I know you don't like that word. What I'm saying. Take out compromise. I would settle. Do I settle? [01:09:26] Speaker C: Because you see, and that's the one right there. [01:09:28] Speaker E: That's it. Do I settle? That's worse, isn't it? Right? But where I'm at in my life, what I may need as I get old, when I was 24, I didn't have high blood pressure, I didn't have diabetes. Number two, you understand what I'm saying? I'm older, I ache a little bit more. Now I live by myself. Before, I didn't give a damn about that. Even though you can die when you're young, but the chances now you get older, come on, we know we're going to leave here. So I had a person who cooked for me. I mean, I can cook, but I don't cook every day. You understand? So where I'm going, I don't want to work the rest of my life. You understand what I'm saying? For my outlook is just different. And I still have this kind of, I'm not a kid, but I still have this youthful energy. So I attract younger women, 20 to 25, 30 years younger than me. And I really don't want to. [01:10:25] Speaker C: What you going to do, playboy? [01:10:29] Speaker E: And I'll be honest with you, I was telling one young lady, I was like, it's not fair. I showed a picture of my late wife obituary, and I was like, inside his pictures. And I said, you see how we grew together? This is what you deserve. You deserve somebody that you can grow together with. So I look at myself, I'm not going to personally offer myself to somebody who's 20 years younger than me because it feels like I've been where you. [01:10:54] Speaker C: Got to go, where you got to go. [01:10:56] Speaker E: And I don't want to do that. That's how I feel. There are some women that I've met that are younger, and they seem a little bit more settled in life, but it's just hard. I'm just telling you, for me, it's just hard after losing someone that you've been together for such a long period of time. [01:11:15] Speaker D: Well, brother, you can drop your information. I'm pretty sure women in your age range, they can get you on social media. [01:11:28] Speaker C: They can put it out there. [01:11:29] Speaker B: Are you willing to get married again? [01:11:31] Speaker E: I mean, I would love to. [01:11:33] Speaker D: Well, maybe it's more for companionship. I think we all date for the same reasons, but the order in which. [01:11:40] Speaker C: We date exactly changes. [01:11:41] Speaker D: But you still want to look good. [01:11:43] Speaker E: Exactly. [01:11:44] Speaker C: All right, well, so what did we learn today? [01:11:48] Speaker B: You was an alcoholic. [01:11:52] Speaker D: All right. [01:11:53] Speaker E: And what's alcoholic is always an alcoholic. Remember that. You're always fighting that early. [01:12:00] Speaker C: All right, Theo, what about you? What did you learn today? [01:12:02] Speaker D: Nothing. I learned everything. I did learn a lot. Always good to have good conversation. No, I'm not good over music, so I'm going to slide out. [01:12:12] Speaker C: No, we'll cut it. [01:12:14] Speaker E: Go ahead. [01:12:15] Speaker D: I don't know, but I learned a lot today. Have to listen on the playback. [01:12:19] Speaker C: Okay. What about you? [01:12:21] Speaker E: What I learned today is something that brother Cl said is sometimes you can't just look at the surface, just in general. But since we was talking about relationships, sometimes we have to look at it from the perspective of what we can do to not complicate it more. When you gave the example of why do we have to go to the negative part? Why couldn't we have that conversation first? Is because at times, we let our emotion get the best of us from their letter. Sometimes they're emotional. Like when Nick said, well, I'm not going to do that plan that we let that emotion gets the best of us, and we all are emotional creatures. But if you take time, that's why sometimes you have to take a moment and don't say things that you may regret. And it's hard to take back things that you say. Sometimes you just have to take that moment. But what I learned that is think before you speak. Think logical over emotion. [01:13:27] Speaker C: Yeah. And don't take things personal. That's mine. Just don't take things personal. Yeah. [01:13:32] Speaker B: Don't take things personal. [01:13:34] Speaker C: All right. Well, brother Fatin, tell the people how. [01:13:36] Speaker E: They can find you on Facebook. Just B-R-O. No, dot fatin fatiyn on. Not Twitter, but Instagram is fatin F-A-T-I-Y-N again in the number 25. [01:13:54] Speaker C: You can find all of us on our social media R-E-L-S-T-A-T. Podcast on all social media platforms. Until the next time, y'all. Y'all have a very merry Christmas from happy holidays. And we're going to be back before the new year. Yeah, we'll be back before the new year. So happy holidays. Cl. [01:14:13] Speaker D: We good? [01:14:13] Speaker C: We good. All right. [01:14:14] Speaker B: And we're out. [01:14:15] Speaker C: We're out. [01:14:17] Speaker B: There's all five pills. Rain making spirits bright. What fun it is to ride close.

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