154th Lunch Date: My Husband Says I’m Not His Type… Should I Be Worried?

[00:00:03] Speaker A: You ain't got nothing to do. [00:00:04] Speaker B: I got to go home and cook [00:00:05] Speaker A: out, pick up my son and all [00:00:06] Speaker B: kind of we having the end of, the end of this, end of the year cookout for the kids and the parents. So it's just gonna be. [00:00:15] Speaker A: Y' all gonna talk after I get done. [00:00:16] Speaker B: Come on, I got you. [00:00:18] Speaker C: My bad. [00:00:20] Speaker B: All right. [00:00:22] Speaker C: I'm gonna be hungry. [00:00:24] Speaker B: So this is the what we. This is the episode that's gonna start coming. We're gonna start doing Wednesday episodes. So the advice letters are going to start coming out on Wednesdays. So this is going to be Wednesday. It's something we used to do before, so. And it's back, huh? Welcome back to relationship status. It's your boy Yusuf in the building where we are changing relationships one conversation at a time. And you know, it's hump day. We are back on Wednesdays. We gonna be back to bringing you that Wednesday, those lunch dates, that quick 15 to 30 minute joint to help you get over the work week. Ladies, it's a big Wednesday and we're going to try to help some people get through this work week, especially on Monday. We talked about married men and we asked for the. We asked for people to turn in if you had. If you wanted to be a part of the conversation. And hey, somebody sent us a advice letter. So here we go. I've been married for nine years, and I recently realized something that has me questioned in my entire marriage. My husband has. Has a type. And I'm. And I'm not. And I'm not it. I'm low key, family oriented, and private. But the women I've noticed him following complimenting and messaging are the complete opposite. Sexy, outgoing, confident, and very public. I recently found messages where he told one of them, you're exactly my type. When I confronted him, he said he wasn't cheating. He was just talking. I asked him the question I could get. I couldn't get out of my head. If she's your type, why did you marry me? His answer? Because you're a good woman. That hurt me more than I expected. So now I'm wondering, did he marry me because I'm the only woman he wanted to build a life with while secretly desiring women completely different from me? And do I need to change and become the type of woman he's chasing? Or is this simply a man who wants the security of a wife while still chasing his fantasy? Am I being insecure or am I finally seeing my husband for who he really is? Signed, am I his type or just his wife. So let's, let's, let's, I guess, let's break this thing down, unpack this. What, what line you think stood out the most to you when she said, [00:02:53] Speaker C: does she need to change what she does? [00:02:56] Speaker B: Because I don't think we discussed that. I don't think we talked about that on Monday's episode. Like, should the woman, like, do you think the. If a woman comes in contact with this, like she has. Do you think she should change? [00:03:10] Speaker C: I don't think so. [00:03:12] Speaker A: And that's a hurtful feeling when you, when you feel. Feel that betrayed by someone, that you feel like something is wrong with you, that you gotta upgrade or you gotta do something to yourself to make them find you appealing. [00:03:25] Speaker C: Because what if you do change and then two or three years later, now his appetite is something different? [00:03:30] Speaker A: Right. [00:03:30] Speaker C: And so now you feel like you gotta change. [00:03:32] Speaker A: No, now you gotta change again. [00:03:34] Speaker C: Now you gotta change again. Yeah. So it's not. No, it's not anything with you. I would say it's something within him. [00:03:41] Speaker A: Right. [00:03:46] Speaker B: But is that so you basically, you saying there's something wrong with him? Not her first. [00:03:52] Speaker A: That's the first thing she needs to understand is the awareness that it's not her problem, that what he chooses to do is something that he chooses to do, that it has nothing to do with her. [00:04:03] Speaker C: Right. [00:04:03] Speaker B: So do you find him finding other women attractive is the problem? [00:04:07] Speaker A: It's not necessarily a problem, but it has nothing to do with her. [00:04:11] Speaker C: Yeah. Like, if you find someone else attractive, that's fine. But don't make me feel like you don't find me attractive because you find I should never know that you find someone else attract. If you're my husband. I don't. Me and you and I get ready to sit down and have a conversation about other women you find attractive. [00:04:34] Speaker A: But it's deeper than that. He said this. You're my type. [00:04:37] Speaker C: Like, you know, so. [00:04:38] Speaker B: So she's found out that she's not his type. [00:04:40] Speaker C: Yeah, she's not his type. So I would have questions like, well, why would you marry me if I'm not your type? Just she ask that. That's why I'm saying just like she asked. [00:04:50] Speaker B: I think that's the line. That's another line I wanted to. To ask about, is you're a good woman. If you hear that, you. Why did you marry me? He says you're a good woman. It sounds like a compliment, but is. [00:05:03] Speaker A: But it sounds like a business deal to me. Yeah, absolutely. I was security for you. I was good for Your need. But I wasn't something that you desired. I wasn't something that you wanted to love. I wasn't something you wanted to cherish. I just was a good fit for your career movement or for your business or whatever. That's what. It sounds like, a business deal to me. When you say I'm a good woman, [00:05:23] Speaker B: but does that mean you're the woman I want? [00:05:25] Speaker A: No. [00:05:25] Speaker C: Right. Just. That's what I was gonna say. Just because you are a good woman, it doesn't mean, like, I just. And I also make it feel like you're good for me in the moment of what I got going on. But what if I'm no longer. No, I just feel like I need, like, all the things. Like, I wanna be your type. I wanna be a good woman. I wanna be, like, all of these things to my husband so he doesn't have to seek other things. And if that's not what you want, then don't get married. [00:05:59] Speaker B: Okay. So quick either or. Quick either. Or would you rather be seen as the good woman or the woman he desires? [00:06:07] Speaker A: The woman he desires. [00:06:08] Speaker C: The woman he desires. [00:06:12] Speaker B: That's interesting. [00:06:14] Speaker A: Can I tell you why? [00:06:15] Speaker B: Go ahead. I mean, I would love for you to tell me. That's why we have a conversation. [00:06:17] Speaker A: I feel like that when you desire me, you. You desire a good woman. You desire a woman. You know, all those things are wrapped up in one. You desire me. [00:06:24] Speaker C: Absolutely. [00:06:25] Speaker A: But when you say you want a good woman, I look at it. I pick it apart. I can be a good employee and not be a good person. That just means I provide well. I do my job well. Everything that my. What's the word I'm looking for. When you're in your job. The things that I do on my job are. Well, my qualities are well. But my heart might not be good. [00:06:53] Speaker B: Okay. [00:06:53] Speaker A: I might not be a good person, but what I add to your life, as far as those tangible things are good. But I want you to desire everything about me. I heard this saying before. I don't want you to just love me because I can love you. I can love my brother all day, and I like his ass. [00:07:08] Speaker C: Mm. [00:07:09] Speaker A: I want you to like me every day. [00:07:11] Speaker C: Right? [00:07:11] Speaker A: I want you to want to be around me. I want you to enjoy my company. I want you to light up when I walk in the room. You know what I'm saying? You desire that person. Don't just love me. [00:07:19] Speaker C: I want to be desired as well. Because like she said, if you desire me, I feel like you're going to put in Extra effort. I feel like you're not just going to feel like I'm just there just to feel maybe one void. Like, if you desire me, you desire my heart, you desire my physical, you desire my mind, you desire the way I cook. You desire, like, you desire everything about me, not just because I'm a good woman. [00:07:53] Speaker B: Okay. Okay. I was looking for. I was trying to find this clip. It was on Power. [00:08:00] Speaker C: The. [00:08:00] Speaker B: The last episode of Raising Canaan that just came out. [00:08:03] Speaker C: And I don't watch that. I guess I should. I don't watch that. I guess I should. [00:08:09] Speaker B: Oh, no, it's good. Really good show. The last episode was kind of underwhelming a little bit, but there was a part where there's this guy named Lump. These two people, Snaps and Pops. A husband and wife. Snaps and Pops. And every since they hit the show, I think they went on for the last three seasons, they were always together. And they were like. They ran some drug trade in Queens, and they were always together. They always match. Like, they matched clothes every day. Like, every day. They were matching every single day. [00:08:44] Speaker C: That's a thing. [00:08:45] Speaker B: Even the day. The day they got cooked, they didn't show them in pajamas. [00:08:49] Speaker A: But every time, they match their pajamas, too. [00:08:53] Speaker C: But I should have wore my sneakers like that today to make you feel like. [00:08:56] Speaker B: Nope. Lump said. Lump said something about it. He said. He was talking about. He said Snaps and Pops wanted each other. They didn't need each other. They wanted each other. And he was like. He said, there's needs and wants. And he was like, I don't want anybody to need me, to feel like they have to be attached to me or be there with me because they need me. [00:09:21] Speaker C: I said, this last few episodes. [00:09:25] Speaker B: Let me finish. Let me finish. [00:09:26] Speaker A: And he said, no, you actually said you wanted to be wanted. [00:09:28] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:09:29] Speaker A: No, you said you wanted to be me. [00:09:30] Speaker C: No. No. [00:09:30] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I said no. She said. She said I wanted to be wanted. [00:09:34] Speaker C: No, I said I wanted to be wanted. [00:09:36] Speaker B: I'm saying this to make a point. So. And he was like. And luck was like, they wanted each other. They didn't need each other. They wanted each other. They woke up every day and chose each other. They chose to want to be with each other. And that made me go back and reflect on the conversation we had on the show a couple episodes ago. And it made me say, oh, that made me change. Just the way Lump explained it. And he went way deeper. That's why I was looking for the clip. And if I get. I'm gonna find the Clip, and I'm gonna post it on our social media. But the way he put it, I do want somebody who wants me. I do want somebody who's gonna wake up and choose me every single day. And in this sense, the man isn't choosing her. She's choosing him, though, because she knows that he's out here. She knows that he's out here messaging women. He's talking about, I ain't cheating. I'm just talking. No, negro, you cheating, right? No, you're. You're cheating. You're actively. Because if one of these women say, oh, what's up? You gonna find out what's up. [00:10:41] Speaker C: It's a wrap. [00:10:42] Speaker B: You know what I'm saying? And I'm not an advocate for divorce at this tender age. I do think that you. There are some things that should be worked through if this man has not physically gone out and done anything outside of this talking. I think you are at the beginning stages of him possibly doing something. I think you do need to go to counseling. I do. I think that you. That. Because y' all need to figure out at this point if y' all still need to stay married, you need to find out at this point if this man still wants to stay married to you. How about have a conversation? And I think. I think sometimes y' all women and y' all discernment and everything else to tell y', all, this man is doing something because something told her he was doing something. Let me check these messages. Let me look at his actions. Let me check. Whatever. Let me check all this stuff. But rather than have a conversation and go, hey, babe, I found this. I'm hurt. I'm pissed, you know, maybe even cuss him out a little bit. And you come back to the table and go, how do we fix this? Well, first off, have you been physical with anybody? Have you been out on any dates? Have you. Whatever get him to. Because there's a way to get a man to open up about whatever he's doing. If you come to him in a particular manner that's not with malice, that's not met with. That's not met with. Yeah, you're hurt. And you make. The initial reaction is the initial reaction. And he can't expect nothing else if that's the case. But I do think that there's a way to come back to the table and figure out a way, hey, how do we fix this? Is this fixable? What can I do? Here's some things that you. Because there may be some things that you, as women, been holding on to that have caused you, because we talked about it on the main episode. It could have been some stuff that he ain't been doing. Maybe he ain't took out the trash 100 times. And since he ain't took out the trash, you know, he. Since he took out the trash, he's not desirable to you. Or maybe he's not handy. Like your daddy could come and change your oil and change your tires, but he can't do that. He could pay somebody else to do it. You know what I'm saying? [00:12:39] Speaker C: I don't care, as long as it get done. [00:12:40] Speaker B: No, I'm just saying. I'm just saying, like, he can't do that. That stuff you got to do. So to you, he doesn't seem as attractive. So you don't feel like you need to hold up your end of anything because he's not the man you thought he was when you married him. There's a lot of different things to it, a lot of different aspects to it. He may feel insecure and need the validation of somebody else. Does that make it right? It does. Not at all. Because all he should have to do is communicate. But I also think too, instead of women, instead of holding onto this, or as you put building a case, instead of building a case at the first sign, at the first sign of your, of your mind, body and soul telling you something is going on to the point that you have to go through these messages, sit down and have a conversation. [00:13:23] Speaker A: That's not always so easy. Because a lot of times we, as women, when we have felt like we had to get to that point of going through the phone or whatever. Men tend to be defensive about the fact that why you went through my phone, why you did this, why you did that. So it's hard because we're already hurt because of what we found. We were hurt before we even went through the phone because our intuition, our discernment has already told us something is wrong. Now we're hurt by what we found. We. We're hurt and we gotta come to you. Now we're hurt because now you're defending [00:13:49] Speaker C: the fact that now you jumping on me. And then, you know, you be the [00:13:53] Speaker A: ones to take the initial to come back to the table and have to face more of the defensive. [00:13:59] Speaker C: That's how people get cut. [00:14:01] Speaker A: But a lot of times we do as women want to come back to the table, but not if you're going to come, not willing to work on it, but just defend your actions. [00:14:09] Speaker B: But that's why I say this to me, this will be the proper course of action to me. If. How I would like my wife to treat me if this. If this is something I did right, how would I. Or she started to feel like something's off. Not necessarily that I did anything. She starts to feel like something's off. Hey, I felt like this and I went through your phone. Now, you said, initially, he's going to get defensive. Right? Initially he's going to get defensive. Well, you're going. You should go into the conversation knowing that this is going to happen. You know he's going to be pissed off that you went through the phone because that's his defense mechanism. You went through my phone, you invaded my privacy. You did something that was untrustworthy. Now, mind you, I'm being untrustworthy myself. But just saying, you're going into this knowing that there's going to be a confrontation because you're on a hunted because of what you just saw. And he's gonna be on a hundred because you went through his phone. So understand, you gotta come into that thing understanding that you're ambushing him. Like, whereas you had all day to think about what you was gonna say. You're asking for him to respond in five seconds to what you've been thinking about. Yes, it is. To what you've been thinking about all day. Like you've had this in your head. Should I do it? Should I talk to him? I don't found out. You probably found out five days ago. And you're trying to figure out what [00:15:36] Speaker A: should I should not where I found out a month ago. [00:15:40] Speaker B: But that's what I'm saying. [00:15:41] Speaker A: Like you've been thinking, see, how many times you gonna text before I tell you? [00:15:44] Speaker B: But you've been thinking about this over time. And you've done, you done, you done calculated in your mind how you're gonna deal with it, what you're gonna say, how you're gonna say it. And you're expecting him to give you an answer that's outside of being defensive within five seconds. It's impossible. That's impossible to think that that's gonna go any way other than the left. So knowing that, you make the initial contact, you go through that initial back and forth, and then you give it some time, you leave. One of you leave the house or whatever, and then y' all come back together. One of you has to reach out to the other. And I think this is just me. I think it should be whoever brought the problem to the table should reach out to the other side of the aisle, and she'll go, hey, we need to talk. [00:16:25] Speaker A: That's because you're a man. But us, as women, we feel like this. You brought the problem to the table. You text the hoe. [00:16:30] Speaker B: No, that's not the case, though. [00:16:31] Speaker A: Yeah, it was. [00:16:31] Speaker B: No, I. Well, let me. Let me say that's not the case. What I'm saying is brought the problem [00:16:35] Speaker A: to the table because she. You invited her into our life. When you picked up your phone, decided to text her, I would have never found her. [00:16:41] Speaker B: I get it. I would be apostle your phone. [00:16:44] Speaker A: I didn't find anything. I'm telling for invading your personal space. No, but now we got f. And be defensive. [00:16:50] Speaker B: No, now we got another problem. [00:16:52] Speaker A: Right. [00:16:53] Speaker B: Like I said, you. You. You thought this through before talking to me. Whatever you get is a knee jerk reaction to being attacked. [00:17:01] Speaker C: Okay, so I have a question. So you said how you will want your wife. Whatever, to be. [00:17:07] Speaker B: Yes. [00:17:08] Speaker C: So say she did find something when she go. So you want me to say honey. [00:17:14] Speaker B: Nope. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. [00:17:18] Speaker C: Wait a minute. [00:17:18] Speaker B: That is not what I said. [00:17:22] Speaker C: To have a conversation. [00:17:24] Speaker B: No. Then y' all didn't listen. Once again. Once again, as a woman, y. [00:17:30] Speaker C: Okay, so tell me what you said. [00:17:31] Speaker B: What I said was, I understand that the first conversation is going to be volatile. I understand that you're coming in on 100 on me, and I in seconds have to either defend myself or explain. And since I can't come up with an explanation in that moment, I'm only thing I can think to do. And this is just anybody. The only thing you could think to do at the moment you're attacked. And this is physical or mental or debate. Defend yourself. And the only way you can defend yourself is bring up whatever thing they did that offended you in this moment. [00:18:02] Speaker C: Okay, but you said. [00:18:04] Speaker B: Hold on. [00:18:04] Speaker A: Let me say how you finish what [00:18:06] Speaker C: you wanted your person to do. [00:18:07] Speaker B: But let me finish. Let me. Let me. Let me finish. [00:18:11] Speaker C: Okay, so when. [00:18:13] Speaker B: So when I understand that that's going to be the initial conversation. I understand it's going to be volatile. What I would like for my woman to do, my wife to do is go. She cool off. I cool off. And then she initiate a conversation with me because I don't know the reason I say her is because I don't know when she's ready to talk to me. [00:18:37] Speaker A: Why can't you initiate with an apology [00:18:39] Speaker B: that I just did not. What did I just say? [00:18:42] Speaker A: You want her to come to you, [00:18:44] Speaker B: but you missed why I said that. I said because I Don't know if she's ready to talk to me. You have to be. She's the one, that girl. [00:18:52] Speaker A: Why you can't text her and see if she. [00:18:54] Speaker B: Cause you were the one that was hurt. You don't want to have to deal with however you want to deal with whatever it is. You're the person that has to decide whether you still want to be in this relationship or not. If I text you, call you, whatever, what are my chances of us having an actual conversation? When you're ready to talk, give me a call. So that's all I'm saying. Give me a call. Let's sit down and have us and have the talk. Have a conversation about this. Because if you don't want to be here. That's the reason why I'm saying she. If what I did was so egregious to the point that she doesn't want to be with me, then she. Then she could tell me it's done. But at the end of the day, we're not going to have. We're not going to have any kind of positive conversation if she's not ready to talk. [00:19:34] Speaker A: Right? [00:19:34] Speaker C: Okay, so answer this question. [00:19:35] Speaker B: That's why I'm saying I think that. I think that in that sense, she should be the one. Or if it's the. If it's the other way around. If the man went through your phone and found out you was texting dudes, then it's up to him. At this point, hey, you were wrong in your actions, right? And there is no nothing. Whenever you at the table, I'm gonna apologize. I probably will apologize prior to. And just say, hey, when you're ready to talk, give me a call. That's probably what all I'm gonna say. But I'm saying I think that, that, that the conversation, because at that point, I'm just talking at you. We're not gonna have a conversation because you're not gonna respond. You're not gonna respond. And anything you respond is gonna be a bunch of profane choice words for me and my actions. And so I'm not put. I might do is reach out via text. Hey, I ain't even going to use no Huns or nothing. Hey, I apologize for my actions in that. Just to let you know, I didn't do anything. As far as physical is concerned. I didn't go on any dates. I didn't do this, this. And third, it's pro. It's a conversation that probably went too far that I shouldn't have initiated. When you're ready to talk. Hit me up. That's all I would say. And then now it's up to her at that point to come talk to me. I want to deal with somebody who could talk us through problems, not be ready to run at the sight of them. And that's what I'm saying. Women, women. Strictly women. Because it's not men. Strictly women. If you don't want to talk to somebody who hurt you or did something to you, you're not talking to them. And if you open your mouth, it's not anything good. It's not going to be productive. And it's probably going to set an actual conversation back by weeks, months, years, definitely days. And that's what I'm saying. I want to deal with somebody who can see the problem. Yes, in the moment. I understand in your initial emotional state, right. Of being hurt, I have to take whatever it is you give. [00:21:37] Speaker C: That's what I was just getting ready to ask. [00:21:39] Speaker B: No, but that's the initial. I'm not asking you to come to me sweet and nice initially. [00:21:44] Speaker C: Okay. [00:21:44] Speaker A: That's what it started off as. [00:21:45] Speaker B: No, no, like you were saying, I [00:21:48] Speaker A: want you to be all meek and mild. [00:21:49] Speaker B: No, I'm not. I don't want you to be meek and mild. [00:21:52] Speaker A: So we're ready to talk to me [00:21:54] Speaker B: that I, I, as an adult, I have to understand that you are hurt. And however you deal with being hurt, I just have to deal with in the moment. Now, I will say this. The way you deal with your hurt does determine whether I want to. Whether I want to pursue being with you or not. Pass this case. [00:22:14] Speaker A: You said if I slap out. [00:22:16] Speaker B: Oh, it's over. It's over. I'll tell you like that it's over. Like there ain't no. The second. [00:22:25] Speaker C: What if I just. What if I just bust the windows out your car? Is that same. [00:22:30] Speaker B: Listen, you are not. I am responsible for my bust the [00:22:33] Speaker C: windows out your car. [00:22:33] Speaker A: At the same time, technically, a face mush slab is. [00:22:36] Speaker B: I am responsible for my actions. And that is 100% correct. I am responsible for my actions. But you are responsible for your react. You are responsible for your reaction to my actions. If you want to be angry and you. Yes, if you want to be angry and you want to. [00:22:50] Speaker A: And you want to come face is okay. Okay. [00:22:52] Speaker B: No, none of that's okay. If you want to fit physically doing anything is not okay. [00:22:56] Speaker C: That's why I say, is it okay if I bust the windows out your car physically? [00:22:59] Speaker B: That's you physically doing something that fits under the Physical aspect, physically doing something is not okay. It's never okay to me. So physically destroying my property, putting your hands, putting your hands on me, my property or my children does, is not okay with me. That, that's just never going to be okay. I agree in no aspect. So if you want to cuss, if you want to carry on, if you want to yell, let me get all [00:23:22] Speaker A: that out and you ain't gotta worry about. [00:23:24] Speaker B: I can't. No, I can't. [00:23:25] Speaker A: I'm joking. Because I don't want nobody to hit [00:23:28] Speaker B: me if I'm wrong and I defend myself in that moment, I defend myself. And you continue going, me personally, any argument, I'm gonna shut down. Any disagreement, if it's any disagreement, once you start yelling and cussing, shut down. I'm not going back and forth with you. That is my non negotiable in an argument. Do not disres, do not talk to me disrespectfully. Do not cuss at me, cuz instantly, [00:23:53] Speaker C: don't cuss at me instantly I shut down. [00:23:55] Speaker B: Because if you cannot, if you say [00:23:59] Speaker A: you love me, right, that's key. [00:24:01] Speaker B: Even in an argument, you should, even in an argument, even if you got to raise your voice, it should still be in a respectful manner because. And not in a sense of respect from woman to man. Expect respect for our relationship and the fact that after this, after this, there's a chance that we have to move forward. There's a chance that this relationship has to go because we're just having a disagreement in this moment. Now if it's something totally egregious and this, this is over, you can say whatever you want. But understand, whatever you say, whatever you do right, I am going to hold you to whatever that is. Because now I think people show their true selves when they're angry. [00:24:45] Speaker A: That's true. [00:24:46] Speaker C: Oh absolutely. [00:24:47] Speaker B: When they're angry, they show their true selves. And if you're going to be disrespectful to me, my kids, on my property, that means you, that's just who you are somewhere in there. And I don't know what you're gonna do the next time that we come across this. If we come across this. So if in fact that she does that she confronted him, I do think that the way she confronted him was good. Like, I do think she did it in a mild way. She was like, hey, look, what, what's this here? You know, you, you texted people you're doing this. What she said when I confronted him, he said he wasn't cheating, you know, just talking. I asked him the question. Like, she tried to get clarity. I asked him the question, why did you stay with me? Why did you marry me? You know, if I'm not your type? Because you're a good woman. And of course, she took that as hurt because I do think that that sucks as. As something to say because I think that you don't marry somebody because they're a good woman. I think that you marry somebody. [00:25:42] Speaker A: What could have been been a compliment from someone else was a low blow from him. [00:25:46] Speaker B: Yes, of course. Like, who wants to hear, well, you're a good person. Why? Why are you with me? You're a good person. [00:25:52] Speaker C: That's when people ask somebody, like, oh, well, like, do you think she's pretty? Like, well, she got a good personality. What? [00:26:00] Speaker A: But I'm saying, coming from somebody who doesn't know you, that's a compliment. You're coming from your maid. You like, what? [00:26:05] Speaker C: No. Even though, like, if I ask you how I'm, like, how you think this person look? Let me, like, well, they might have a good personality. Then you be like, what does that mean? You don't think they attractive. That's what it means. Like, whether you know them or not, it'll be like, oh, well, you know, they might have a good personality. You never know. But that is not a compliment at all. [00:26:32] Speaker B: So she asks if she needs to change. We don't think he needs to change. I do believe she asked. These are the questions. Let's answer these questions for her. Did he marry her because she asked? This is what she asks. Did he marry me because I'm the woman he wanted to build a life with while secretly dating, while secretly desiring women completely different from me? I don't think that's necessarily true. [00:27:01] Speaker A: We don't have enough information to answer that. [00:27:03] Speaker B: Well, I don't think that's what I'm saying. I don't think that's necessarily true. [00:27:05] Speaker C: I don't think he married you to see seek out any married you for [00:27:10] Speaker B: the security while wanting to still be out there. [00:27:12] Speaker C: Yeah, I don't think that because I [00:27:13] Speaker B: think if that's the case, I don't think he's texting anybody. I think you find more proof. I think you end up with other [00:27:18] Speaker A: people be outright cheating if that was the right. [00:27:20] Speaker C: If that was the case. [00:27:21] Speaker B: Cheating if that was the case. She says, do I need to change to become the type of woman he's chasing? [00:27:27] Speaker A: No. [00:27:28] Speaker C: And I said, no, absolutely not. [00:27:30] Speaker A: No. Because even from what she said, I don't think it's so much that he's chasing someone. It sounds like he saw someone that was attractive through social media, whatever it was. [00:27:39] Speaker C: And there's a fantasy. [00:27:40] Speaker A: He basically just gave a compliment like, hey, you, you are exactly my type. And like, he said it wasn't. He didn't cheat. He didn't go any further in it. I don't even think it was too much more conversation than just that. So I don't think he tried to do any harm. It was just paying a compliment and just let him know, like, you are exactly my type. Okay, it don't sound like he was trying to do too much harm. He just stated how he felt. [00:28:05] Speaker C: But I feel like that's insulting to your wife. [00:28:08] Speaker A: I don't think it's intended for her to know. No, of course. [00:28:11] Speaker C: But whether she knew or not, like, I feel like that's an insult for you to inbox another woman and say, oh, you're exactly my type. And then I feel. That makes me feel like, well, what am I? [00:28:20] Speaker B: No, true. [00:28:21] Speaker A: Yeah. But not to defend him, but I mean, let's be for real. We're not perfect. We all have done something that we didn't think through in the moment. [00:28:28] Speaker C: Right? Absolutely. [00:28:28] Speaker A: And I really don't feel like from just what she said alone, that it was done maliciously. It was just him saying how he felt about someone that he admired or whatever. And I'm not saying it was right. Cause by all account, if it was me, I would be taking his head off like, well, what the hell is your type? You know, that's what you do. But, you know, I would feel exactly how she feels. But I don't think it's a deal breaker. He didn't go any further than that. I think, you know, it's salvageable and. But it's the part that she needs to be more concerned about is the fact that he's saying that you're a good woman. And he doesn't see any more what changed in what caused him to marry her or want him to marry her versus what he see in her now. Not changing to be more his type. But whatever it was that made her desirable to him that caused him to get married, what happened to that woman? [00:29:16] Speaker B: Okay, okay, all right. Last question she asked was, am I being insecure or am I finally seeing my husband for who he really is? I think that's a bad. That's a bad. I don't think it's either. [00:29:29] Speaker C: Yeah, I don't think she being insecure. Cause you had a Question you found out your husband messaged somebody and say you're my type. It will make me wonder, like, well, dang, like, what does, what does my husband think about me? Like, that's it. But that's the point. [00:29:46] Speaker B: That's the point where I think when [00:29:47] Speaker C: she, yeah, I don't think she's insecure. [00:29:49] Speaker B: When she went to him initially, I don't think. And this is for you, this is what I think you should ask your husband. I think you should go back to the table. I think you should. And when I mean table, I mean literal table. I think that you, y' all have a meal, sit down. You know, if you have kids, get the kids out the house and the twee house is down. Have a conversation. And you have to express to him how his actions made you feel. I do think that you have to let him know that his actions made you feel insecure. And then you need to ask him, not necessarily. Do you need to change? I do think that you all do have to have an honest conversation about what is more needed in the relationship from the both of you. Because I'm sure, and it's not enough from the letter, but I'm sure that there's something that he's not providing you. And if he's providing everything, then you just say, hey, babe, you're doing 100%. You're doing all you can. I'm locked in. I want to be 100% of what you need. What do you need? [00:30:49] Speaker A: Right? [00:30:49] Speaker B: And I think that that is a valid conversation for a wife to ask her husband who feels like her husband is stepping out. Like, what do you need? We're here. Like, let's fix whatever this is. And if it's something that you feel like you can handle changing or being more like or doing more of, by all means, do it. If it's something that's a non negotiable for you, then don't. You know where you stand, you know where you are and y' all know y' all need to move your separate ways. But you cannot do that unless you are actually having a conversation with him. A civil conversation, because I know the initial one isn't going to be but a civil conversation. Excuse me, Excuse me. I was trying to hold it. A civil conversation with him about the betterment and the longevity of your relationship. How can we get to forever, right? Because that's what every marriage. That's the question. Every marriage is how do we get to forever, right? And that's my piece. Chanel, Tell them where they can find [00:31:53] Speaker A: you at Instagram at Nelly Pooh underscore speaks on king me Pod on Instagram, Spotify, Facebook and YouTube. [00:32:04] Speaker B: You know you up next. [00:32:05] Speaker C: I know you can find me on Facebook at Chrissy Solomon. Chrissy is C R I S S Y and also on Instagram at a Chrissy22 and you can find me at [00:32:16] Speaker B: the 9th Wonder on Instagram at I am coachy underscore on Twitter aka X&Yoshi English on Facebook. Don't forget to join the relationship status advice group. It is a closed group. You can drop your advice, your advice letters, your comments and everything into the group and you'll get some nice responses from the group themselves. And of course Patreon. 17 cents a day, $5 a month free T shirt, free candle just this month patreon.com relationship status. It's your boy Yousef in the building. Thanks for joining us again. Thank you to Angel. Thank you to Chanel. Till the next time y', all, we are out. Peace. Oh, that is.